Dear Amy,
Me and my boyfriend are having problems with Facebook. He's from Dallas. He has a lot of old friends. I don't have a problem with that but now he has females sending friend requests. Still not a problem. But there was one today and I asked him today who was the new friend. First, he was all surprised like he didn't know. Well he doesn't know her but she had some of the same friends on her page that are his friends too so he felt like he should accept her. I have a problem with that. Our profile pictures are the same. We are together in our profile pictures, says in a relationship on both pages. Why would you friend someone you don't know that's clearly taken? Why friend someone if you’re not going to talk to them. I would never do that out of respect for their other half. He has one that was his friend. I sent her a friend request she accepted then a couple days later unfriended me. Her reason was she didn't know me well. Why did she accept at all? She would comment on his pictures like I was not even in the picture. I think a man that lives with another women should not have a bunch of single girls as friends. And its all girls on messenger. Am I an idiot? Dear Frustrated, No, you’re not an idiot. You’re just allowing yourself to be torn apart by the mystery and magic of social media. Facebook is a wonderful tool for “connecting” with other people and for keeping in touch with old friends. The truth is that people often “friend” people they don’t really know. Some people are more reserved. Some people aren’t (and some people friend everyone in sight without really thinking much about it). At the end of the day, your feelings about his Facebook friends are probably rooted in different understandings of “friendship.” Is it reasonable to expect that coupled people not have single friends? Probably a little. He’s not hiding you or your relationship so there shouldn’t really be an issue with him having a whole gaggle of single girl (and guy) friends right? Don’t worry. I’m not dismissing your feelings. My boyfriend has female friends on Facebook too and they comment on his photos sometimes like he’s alone in the picture and yes, it bothers me sometimes even though I try not to let it. You’re human. It’s ok to be human. But I would like you to consider some things. First, has your boyfriend given you any reason not to trust him? If not, have any past relationships had big trust issues? Experience tells me that there’s something trust-related that’s making you feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t have to be a problem with your current relationship. It could be something else. But whatever it is, I would try to identify it and work on it because we live in a seriously digital age and sites like Facebook aren’t going away. Controlling who he’s friends with or who you’re friends with won’t take way those feelings of jealousy or insecurity. So, I’m going to tell you something very true and revolutionary and if you can accept it, it might just change your life. Not everyone thinks like you. I struggle with that one. Facebook isn’t a dating site so not everyone who “friends” someone else is looking for love. It’s also true that not all “friends” are FRIENDS. Facebook introduces a complicated and crazy dimension to friendship that we often don’t have to deal with in face to face interactions. But if you can accept that other people’s intentions might be different from what you think…and, you and your boyfriend have a good relationship…then I would try to categorize Facebook as a crazy-making, awesome, fun, insane thing that doesn’t really reflect reality that closely. Breathe. Amy Dear Amy,
I have been seeing a man for 5 months. I like him a lot he said he likes me to. I want to go out on dates but he said he can't afford it right now. I have been trying to help him out financially. I have not met his kids. We don't go out. I visit him at his apartment. We have had sex several times. I want a real relationship. I'm not sure whether he really likes me or is just using me. Should I move on? Dear Helping, Hmm. So I think it would be a great idea to think carefully about your own expectations. If you’re dating a man who is, for whatever reason, not financially able to be in this relationship the way you need or want him to, then yes, it’s probably time to move on. It doesn’t really have to have anything to do with his feelings about you at all. If he’s not the right man for you, its ok to find a person who can better meets your needs (and wants…those are important too). I tackled that first because I want to deal with the financial support separately. If you are both adults, capable of supporting yourselves, then there should be no reason to be helping him out financially. Now, I understand there are extenuating circumstances for us all. And if you were feeling that this relationship was headed somewhere good, I might not be so hesitant about the money. But I do think that there’s something going on here that needs to be fixed. It may simply be a matter of establishing boundaries. For instance, instead of helping him out financially, maybe you just pay for dates. If you want to be with this guy, it wouldn’t be horrible for you to be the one paying for romantic outings. However, if you’re paying his bills and there’s not a really amazing reason to be doing so….and if you feel like your needs aren’t being met…well then there’s a problem. It may not be that he’s using you as much as he’s taking advantage of a cozy situation (yes, I realize I’m splitting hairs here but I want to give this guy the benefit of the doubt since I really don’t know his situation). So, here’s the bottom line. You deserve a happy, healthy relationship where you and your partner contribute in ways that make you both feel fulfilled and appreciated. If anything less than that is happening, then you need to address it. Have a talk. Establish boundaries. Quit helping him financially if he should be able to help himself. And be willing to move on if he’s not willing to meet you halfway. Amy Dear Amy,
My boyfriend recently broke up with me about 3 days ago and he asked me if it’s OK to date my friend yesterday. I said its OK to both my friend and my ex but honestly I feel hurt and I'm not good enough. How do I get over him and just not care? I want them both to be happy but I also want to be happy as well. Dear Okay, It’s unfortunate that both your friend and your boyfriend didn’t wait a little bit longer to make the whole situation a little easier on you (sure, sometimes friends date ex's but sheesh, its been 3 days). The truth is, we often say things are ok when they’re not. It may have seemed like it would be ok but being in the situation is a lot different than thinking about it, right? So, I think you have to start by acknowledging that you are hurt…that’s it’s really not ok for them to be dating, even if you said it was…and that it’s absolutely normal for you to be feeling this way. Now, about getting over him and not caring….hmm, its not likely to happen. Yes, you will get over him but don’t make not caring a part of that or you’re setting yourself up for disaster. You’re going to care. It’s your friend he’s dating so this isn’t going to go away. And you can give yourself permission (in fact, I’m giving you permission too) to feel kind of crummy about the whole thing and to continue feeling a little crummy about it as long as you feel like it. I would suggest just being honest about how you’re feeling (without being hateful). If you and your friend are going to remain friends then she probably needs to understand that you’re hurting and things aren’t ok right now but they will be eventually. It’s admirable for you to want them to be happy but you don’t have to sacrifice your own happiness or stifle your feelings in order to make that happen. And one final note…of course you’re good enough. This relationship wasn’t the right one for you but that doesn’t mean that you won’t find one that’s better. Take care of yourself. Amy Dear Amy,
I have this guy that I like and he said he really likes me to and he introduced me to his kids and family, and now he’s not talking to me on Facebook or texting me. He did say it was going too fast and then he just disappears and I wanna know if I did something wrong? He did say he still wanted to be friends and he’s emotionally unavailable. Dear Vanishing Act, I don’t think you did anything wrong. It sounds to me like this guy has some major baggage he’s working on and he’s just not ready to be in a relationship. He may have introduced you to his family and then panicked. He may simply not know how to keep things casual and given his disappearing act, I think you might want to consider that he’s not suitable relationship material (at least, not right now). Try not to beat yourself up too much. Things will happen when they’re meant to. Amy Dear Amy,
Ok so my boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 months and well we went to the high school football game (I'm in middle school) and the game was about 5 hours away and the school took some students and me and bf were some of the students that got to go. and we were going to sit together at the game but my friend kept telling me that he doesn't love me and stuff so then he asked me aren't we going to sit together? and I told him why don't you sit with her (referring to his ex that's like 4 years older than him) and he said no what's your problem I don't like her. and I said okay! and I was trying to make him jealous and I kept telling my friend like wow look at that guy and stuff like that. and my boyfriend whispered something to his fiends ear and his friend turns around and tells me that he's breaking up with me and I was crushed but I pretended that I didn't care and then yeah like 15 min later I find out that his dating his ex again and just went walking with my friends to buy a water and I was crying and I saw them holding hands and stuff. and yeah when I went to buy the water a really hot boy was there (he's the one that's selling the water) and he kept looking at me and stuff and I kept going to buy stuff and well at the end I ended up with his phone number and before I left the game I got to chill with him for a awhile and he's in my grade and my age and plays sports and is just perfect. and my ex found out and got a little jealous and like my ex kept talking and playing around with me and stuff like he use to do when we were dating and stuff and well yeah he told me he was only dating the other girl to make me jealous but I just didn't care anymore I was in love with the other boy. and the next day me and the other guy were chatting (since my phone broke I have to use my ipod but I’m getting a new one today) and we were flirting and stuff but that's basically all we’ve been doing.. idk if he’s going for me or not? cause like he told me I’m gorgeous and stuff and that he really likes me but the problem is that we live too far like 4 hours away..and he told me that he doesn't know what to do cause his friends told him just to ask for a nude picture and never talk to me again but he doesn't want to do that, and that he really likes me and wants to date me but we live too far and stuff but we've been talking like for 4 days now and we talk like from getting out of school to sleeping at night, and he’s been wanting my phone number so bad but idk why to be honest (I think he wants to talk to me on phone or facetime me) but I cant give it to him until I get my new phone which is today but I just wanted to ask you.. am I making a mistake with this guy..i honestly don't know if we are going to start dating or not. Dear Dating, I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up sounding like your mother here but please believe me when I say that I remember going through all this relationship stuff when I was your age and I know how complicated and overwhelming it can be. Here’s the truth. You’re going to date lots of boys and some are going to be awesome and some not so much. Your friends are going to complicate matters by telling you what they think about the boys. And you’re going to have to decide what you want to do and live with the consequences despite your friend’s best intentions. So, I suggest taking this opportunity to say to yourself “I am completely capable of making my own decisions and even if it isn’t what you think I should do, I am confident in my ability to be in charge of my own life.” Phew. Ok, so now let’s talk about nude pictures and Facetime. I would tell you this and I would give the same advice to my 40 and 50 year old friends. Don’t send nude photos. And, if you Facetime or Skype or whatever, don’t do anything naked or sexual. The minute you do and you send it out in the world on your phone or computer, you lose control of it and it will come back to haunt you. Believe me, being a teenager is hard enough without providing people with things they can use against you later. (And a note to the boys and men of the world, penis pictures are not sexy. Period.). Ok, off that soapbox and onto your other issues. You’re in middle school. The boy you want to date lives many hours away. You can have a relationship with him but its mostly going to be long distance so maybe just work on being friends. It’s much easier to be long distance friends and have it turn into something more than to date under these terms and at your age. That’s my humble opinion. And don’t send him nude photos! (Sorry, I couldn’t help but get that in there one more time). The window of opportunity for having fun with your friends and being young gets shorter every day. There will come a time when you have to work and be an adult and you never get this time back so enjoy it! Try not to get too drawn into boy drama and learn to make your own choices based on what feels right for you. That skill will serve you well your whole life. Amy Dear Amy,
I have feelings for a guy. And I'm not sure if I should have feelings for him because I have one friend who wants to get back together with him. What should I do? Dear Feelings, You can’t help who you have feelings for but you can choose whether to act on those feelings or not. Dating a friend’s ex is a tricky situation and if that friend still has feelings for him, you’re heading for trouble with your friend. So deciding whether or not to act on your feelings really has a lot to do with considering the consequences. Is it a close friend? Would you be willing to give up the friendship for the relationship? Chances are, whatever you decide you will have to make a hard decision. Putting aside your feelings for the guy won’t be comfortable for a while but it will be ok eventually. Revealing your feelings for the guy could lead to a wonderful relationship but it will likely take a toll on your friendship. Life presents us with all kinds of messy situations and navigating them is part of how we grow. Whatever you decide, make sure you’ve considered all the possible outcomes and then embrace your decision and have faith that things will work out the way they were meant to. Amy Amy...help! I have recently re-connected with an ex. He has recently split from a relationship (4 months ago). How can I jump start this "friendship"...how can I get him to email or telephone more? When he emails it will be a single sentence...we have had one really long phone call but nothing since (over a week ago).....don't know what to do. Should I give up?
Dear Relighting, I keep hearing that song “You Can’t Hurry Love” going through my head as I think about how to answer you. So, I think that’s the case. You’re going to have to be patient and see what happens. You can always ask him to hang out, have dinner, see a movie. Or you can call and email him more. But you need to pay close attention to his reactions and try to give him space as you move forward. His delays in response may be a hesitation to get involved again after his last breakup or it could simply be that he’s looking for friendship rather than romantic involvement. Only time will tell. Now, that said, I wonder a few things. Why did you break up in the first place? Is this someone you really want to reconnect with? Since I don’t really know how your relationship was before, I hate to make any assumptions, but I am curious why you would want to reconnect romantically with your ex. Are you interested in being friends? Or are you mostly looking to get back together? These are some things to consider as you move forward. Bottom line, give it time. Amy Dear Amy,
I am in a four-month relationship. I am with a woman who I adore and have a lot of fun with. She talks about the future with me. I get thrown off guard a little bit. She isn't always responsive. So I am thinking maybe I need to tone it down the compliments, the I love you's etc. I have a lot of enthusiasm about her but she is much more reserved. What am I dealing with here? We are in our fifties Dont know if that matters. Dear Enthusiastic, No matter your age, I think the best policy in any relationship is to be yourself. It sounds like you have a good relationship and that she’s open to a future with you. And I think you’re making assumptions about why she might be reserved or occasionally unresponsive that may not be correct. Maybe her personality tends to be more reserved than yours. Or maybe past relationships and experiences have made her cautious. Either way, understanding her better will go a long way toward easing your fears. Whatever her reasons for being reserved, you should be careful about making changes in your behavior without truly understanding her reactions. If the relationship is going to work out, it should be based on the both of you being comfortable behaving in ways that make you feel like you’re being true to yourselves. I certainly sympathize. My significant other and I are much the same. I’m the exuberant one and he’s the reserved, private one. Sometimes the mixed signals lead to conflict and I think its safe to say that we resolve those conflicts best when we just face them head on. We talk, even if it’s a little uncomfortable at first, and I would suggest that you do the same. So, basically, my advice to you is to talk with your girlfriend. Tell her that you’re interested in her feelings and that you want to make sure that you’re not going too overboard. If she asks you to tone it down, then you’ll have a good reason to do so. But most likely, if she’s enjoyed being with you this long, your enthusiasm is probably part of what she likes and she’ll tell you that. Work together. Talk together. And have faith that she likes you just the way you are. Amy Dear Amy,
I need to know how to handle a friend (living with me and having casual sex and tells me he loves me) that likes to text other girls he claims are his friends constantly? And when I question him about it he gets mad? How do i handle this? Dear Friend, I think perhaps you and your friend have different expectations in your relationship. Your question calls him a “friend” and mentions “casual sex.” Given these definitions, I’d say that it probably baffles your friend that you even ask him about the girls he texts. For him, there may be nothing inconsistent about his behavior. You are friends. Check. You have sex. Check, check. And he loves you. Check. I can imagine him thinking “What’s the problem here?’’ My guess is that the problem lies in your expectations. It sounds to me like you want to be more than friends. Is that true? If not, than why would it matter that he’s texting other girls? And it’s a tricky situation you’re in. If you have been friends for a long time and now you want more, your relationship is going to change one way or another. If he wants more too, maybe you’ll end up in an exclusive, intimate relationship. However, if he doesn’t want that….say, that’s not what he signed up for and he’s not interested…you run the risk of losing the friendship. So, how to handle things is really up to you. If you want to keep things the way they are, you’re going to have to work on your own expectations. You can’t have a drama-free, casual-sex having friendship if you’re not both on the same page. If you’re not “together” than you really don’t have much ground to stand on in expecting him not to text other girls. Know what I mean? Life is full of these messy, awkward, hard truths. The fact that you’re already living together and having sex is going to make it complicated if you’re at cross-purposes for where the relationship is headed. So I would suggest taking a moment to think about what you want. Whatever direction you head, you will have to deal with the consequences so make sure you’ve taken time to consider the options and what you stand to gain or lose by making the decisions you make. Relationships are ridiculously convoluted no matter what it looks like so be confident in your choices and know that life goes on. Amy Dear Amy,
Can you be in love with a guy before you’ve met face to face? And when you’ve only known him for a few weeks? Dear Considering, Of course you can! Love has far more to do with the mental connection between two people than with physical appearance (though physical attraction is certainly a plus). In this age of online dating, I’d say it’s actually not that uncommon to fall in love with someone you’ve never met in person. And as a person who falls in love very easily, I will tell you that in my experience falling in love can happen faster than you think. That said, as a person who falls in love easily, I would just make note here that falling in love and having a solid, long-lasting relationship can be very different concepts. So embrace those feelings but proceed with your eyes wide open. Amy |
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