I hope you can give me some perspective on a very complex problem I'm facing. I was recently reunited with the only person I actually fell in love with about 20 years ago. At the time he was not ready for a committed relationship. It broke my heart. I went through a hard time trying to get over him.
Now 20 years later we found each other and it feels like we were never apart. The problem is he is now married and now that I'm a Christian it’s a violation to my faith to entertain the thought of a relationship with him. But I find myself not able to get him out of my mind and he has indicated his desire to see me and not just as friends. Upon meeting him it was instant chemistry between us and I find myself struggling with my faith and the desire to give into my feelings. Clearly I never quite got over him. He's older and much more stabilized. But unfortunately is not free. I know the logical think to do is to back off.
I myself was married and my husband a disabled vet passed away a few years ago. I single handedly raised our child who is about to go off to college. I am working in a hectic environment and have not been in a relationship for a very long time. It is no surprise to me that I came alive upon meeting up with him. It was like sunshine finally piercing the darkness of loneliness and hard work. I just can't seem to get him out of my mind.
My natural self wants to be with him as I sense he wants to be with me. We don't live in the same state but he's indicated wanting to have a relationship with me. I am very tempted. But struggle with my faith and intruding in a marriage, which according to him he's only in because of his 2 sons. Apparently he is not happy with his wife - but most men say that anyways.
My inner struggle is my faith and violating my relationship with God. But my desire to be with him seems to be stronger (which makes me feel badly). I have no one to talk this through with and hope you can help me sort this out.
Love can be overwhelming sometimes. Your feelings from 20 years ago have been revived but the situation today is much different. Twenty years ago, he wasn’t the right person because he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. Now he’s not the right person because he’s tied to someone else. Of course, your brain can tell you all that and it might not make the slightest difference to your feelings, right?
Putting your faith aside, let’s talk about your emotional well-being. Regardless of your beliefs, the reality of this situation is that you are going to be hurt. You’ll feel conflicted and angry with yourself for going against your belief system. You’ll feel guilty and maybe ashamed because you’ll be interfering in his marriage. You may feel suspicious, jealous, abandoned and depressed. The chances that this will take a toll on your self-esteem are pretty high.
I am a romantic and I love the idea that after 20 years, you’ve reconnected with your true love. And if I let myself, I can imagine a happy ending…one where he and his wife have an amicable divorce, allowing you two to be together but also giving him a chance to be a father to his children. But human relationships are complicated and don’t fall neatly into Hollywood-style romance scripts. As much as it might hurt, resisting the desire to be with him until he is free to be with you is going to cause the least amount of pain in the long run.
I wish I had a more fairytale solution for you, but you deserve happiness, stability and love from a person who can show up for you and be 100% present in your relationship.
I met this woman back in the mid 90's, I was teaching country dance classes. I had two different dance classes in two different places and she would come to both. We started talking after class a few times and then started going back to my place. After a few times of coming to my home, we started having sex. At the time she was married and we were caught by her husband. He had her followed.
A few days after we were caught she called and said she wanted to work things out with her husband. Don't know how long time went on but I ended up meeting someone else and started dating this person. A few months in this relationship the married one showed up at my house saying she getting a divorce and she wanted to start back where we left off. I told her that I was dating someone else. About six months after that I was seeing her on the side for about a year. Broke up with the girlfriend not cause of her but other reason. For about 2 or three years we kept hooking up every once in a while. I did care for this her though the whole time. She ended up sleeping with one of my friends and it became an issue to me.
In 98 I met someone else. We fell in love with each other or so I thought, but she was only using me for about 2 years. She ended up cheating on me. It did something to me from 2002 to 2009 I didn't date or have anything to do with women. I just wanted to be alone so I couldn't get hurt anymore. After 2009 I dated a couple of women but nothing serous.
A year ago I saw the person that was in my dancing class. I knew right there and then I still had very strong feelings for her. She was always on my mind. So one night I was out to a bar and she was there. We started talking, a few weeks later we started dating. So we’ve been seeing each other for about 2 1/2 months. I told her a month ago that I was in love with her and she said she was in love with me too. We’ve only spent a few nights apart since then.
She goes to her house when she gets off work every day. She will text and say she’s home and she be here in a few, sometimes her few is three and four hours. She shows up at my house sometimes a little buzzed and sometimes she is drunk. She’s always wanting to bring up the past that she loved me and that I chased other women when I could have had her. She will even bring her bottle with her and a few drinks here also. I’ve been noticing something isn't right on some things. Like she will go to the bathroom several time before we go to bed and she in there for along time.
I know she is going through some hard times her daughter had her kids taken away from her last month, so she doesn’t get to see her grandkids. But this is what been going on here lately. Her ex will text her and she wont answer him until she goes home the next day. I understand that they need to talk about the grandkids and their daughter. But she is keeping it from me when he texts and I caught her lying about it.
On Valentine's Day I planned a very special evening and she knew it. She worked that day so I told her when she got off work to come here. She texted me and said she’d be here in a few. That was at 3:30, and at seven she showed up drunk. I was upset and after we ate and I gave her Valentine's gift to her we kinda got in an argument about her being drunk. She said she wasn't drinking she was just tired, so the next day I let her know that I knew she was drunk.
I am trying to hit on everything so maybe you can help me understand. So last night was the end of the straw, she text me after work and said she’d be here in a few. Three hours later she shows up. She said she had a load of clothes to do and laid down and fell asleep. But brought them here to put in my dryer. We had dinner and she said she was gong to go to church with her daughter. She had on a sweater and blue jeans, I ask her was she going to church like that she said yes. So at 6:30 she leaves and didn't come back until 10. She was acting funny. She didn't text or call and when she got here didn't even say what she was doing. I didn't ask cause I didn't want start an argument or let her know it bother me. I have talked before all this has been going on that I wont put up with cheating or lying, I told her it’s time for me to settle down and be happy. Am I making a bigger deal over this then I should?
In reading your question, there were a lot of red flags for me. Has your girlfriend had problems with alcohol in the past? Her secretive behavior and showing up visibly drunk but denying it makes me worry about her well-being. She may not be aware that she has a problem, but from what you’ve said, I suspect she does.
You have a long history with your girlfriend and you love her, so its not surprising that you’re feeling conflicted. I don’t think you’re making a bigger deal over this than you should. You should be able to rely on your girlfriend to keep her word and to tell you the truth. My concern is that her problems are more complicated than we know and I really think she’s going to need more help than you can give her.
Have you talked to her about the possibility of counseling? If not, I would suggest thinking about family counseling. Bringing someone into the equation who can stay impartial and can help identify problems may be a good idea at this point. It’ll help you understand how you can both work to make the relationship better and a counselor would be able to make specific recommendations about other local resources, as needed.
Wishing you luck and happiness.
I cosigned for my grandson to get a motorcycle. He would not leave me alone until I signed. I finally broke and signed the paper. He paid for it until recently but then he stopped because I wouldn't give him a free place to live and he's mad at me. He took the motorcycle to Arizona and left it. He will not go get it or pay for it. The finance company wants me to pay for it. My name is not on the title. Am I going to have to pay for this while he gets to keep the motorcycle?
Your grandson seems to be suffering from a serious feeling of entitlement. It’s unfortunate that you co-signed because it does make you liable for the payments.
I’m really sorry this is happening to you. Co-signing a loan for a family member is always a calculated risk and I’m sorry that your grandson isn’t living up to his end of the bargain. It’s shameful.
Okay. I really like this guy, my ex boyfriend & he likes me too. He doesn't even know why I broke up with him and he has been asking me out and telling me his feelings. He just recently asked me out and I have been avoiding the message but I know I can't avoid him cuz we will see each other all week. The problem is my "friends." I love them but the reason I kept breaking up with him is because of them. They always judge him, and our relationship. They tell me he is bad for me and that I am stupid for dating him. They talk about him all the time and they don't know they are the reason I did this. When we broke up they were so happy and started being really mean to him. They think I'm fine but I’m not. I would go out with him again, right now. But it's the pressure around the school. And coming from your friends it's a lot worse and it hurts. But I love him. And I really want to say yes. I get frustrated easily and I really don't want to cry because of this again in school where everyone can see. It's sucks. Please help.
’d like to think that, as we get older, we learn not to butt into our friends lives but I know its not true. And being in school and in close quarters with people (even friends) who can apply absurd amounts of peer pressure makes standing on your own two feet hard at times. But you can’t let your friends bully you out of having the relationship you want. If they are really your friends, they will respect your decision regardless of how they feel.
Now, having said that, I’m not going to pretend that peer pressure is no big deal. It is and I understand how hard it is to stand up to your friends. But if you don’t learn to do it now, they’re going to keep pushing you in directions you don’t want to go. They may not mean to be cruel, but in telling you how to live your life and refusing to let you make your own decisions in peace, they’re taking away your power. And right now, you’re letting them.
So here’s my advice. If you want to date this guy, do it. If your friends give you a hard time, tell them that you love them for being concerned about you but that they need to back off. They need to treat you with respect and in order to make that happen, you’re going to have to insist that you are treated with respect. Be kind but firm with your friends. Maybe they have a point. Maybe he’s not a great match for you. But guess what? This is your life and as long as you make thoughtful decisions and treat other people with respect, you’ll do just fine.
So a couple of years ago I dated this guy. He was sweet and at first I didn't really know why I was going out with him but then I realized I really like him and he was really shy when I was dating him. After a few months of dating he told me he loved me and I told him I loved him back but I was really confused and scared because no one has ever said that to me before. We broke up like a month later because I think we just grew apart? Or something. Anyway last year we started to talk and it was nice. Recently I realized that I like him and he told me that he never knew why we never talked after because we ended on good terms. The last time I talked to him we were at a party and he was really "happy" and "chill". He told me that he did some drug and that's why. I’ve got high like once or twice and I don't want to be hypocritical because my friends say I should stay clear of him because of the drug thing but I really like him ... What should I do?
Dear On the Fence,
You take a calculated risk being in a relationship with someone who’s using drugs. First, there’s the legal complication. Unless it’s a legal drug, there’s always the chance of getting in trouble, even if the drugs aren’t yours so keep that in mind. But the thing that I would think about more carefully is why he uses drugs in the first place. Is he uncomfortable in social situations and took something to help calm him down? Does he use them all the time? Is he able to deal with and express his emotions without the drugs? Do they alter his behavior and personality? (the answer is probably yes, so the next question has to do with what happens when he’s not under the influence).
I’m going to refrain from judgment about his drug use and simply say that you need to follow your instincts. A lot of people experiment with drugs. But a lot of people also abuse drugs. I don’t know where he stands, and the truth is, the decision is yours. You need to determine whether a relationship with this guy is going to be healthy for you or not. Think about it. Take your time. Don’t let anyone pressure you one way or the other. You’ll be the one who has to live with your choice so make it based on what you need and are willing to live with. (PS this advice applies to all things in life!).
I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 3 and a half years now. For about a year now, we’ll only have sex maybe once a month. What am I doing wrong? Do I need to spice things up somehow? Is she not attracted to me anymore? Does she still even love me? How can I tell and how can I bring passion back into our relationship?
The fizzle of your sex life could be related to any number of factors. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong and it doesn’t mean she’s not attracted to you anymore. But what it does mean is that you guys should talk about it. If you’re wanting more sex, talk to her. Ask her how’s she’s feeling about your sex life. Be honest. Tell her you’re worried about it and that you want to find ways to be more intimate. This is about the two of you together, so let her know how you’re feeling and ask her for her help in sorting it out.
And here’s a tip. Sometimes reigniting the passion in your life might have to do with the least likely things so be open to what she has to say. Sometimes we get into ruts. We feel unappreciated in our relationships or in our homes. Sometimes just offering to cook dinner or do the dishes is an awfully romantic gesture. This is why talking is so important. Don’t just talk about sex, talk about life. Find out how she’s feeling about home life and work. Find out what stresses her out, what she’s worried about. And tell her about you too. Reconnecting outside the bedroom is sometimes very helpful is sparking things up under the covers.
Instead of worrying that she might not love you, take this opportunity to reach out to her. In long-term relationships, passion often comes and goes in waves, partly because we get comfortable and settle into a routine. When we start losing intimacy, sometimes we get really focused on sex. But I would encourage you to focus on intimacy, even when it doesn’t involve sex.
I am looking for impartial advice. I have been with the same woman for 17 years and love her deeply but find myself no longer trusting her. We had a 12 year old child that just passed away last year. During the course of our relationship I had to move away for work and was sending my money back home to support my family. I started to notice a change in how she was treating me and later discovered she was cheating on me. She claims she only met someone for coffee. She traveled 200 miles round trip for her coffee so I found that very hard to believe! Needless to say we got past it and got married as the relationship progressed. I forgave her and put it out of my mind. However, flash forward 8 years later and I started to see a change in her attitude again that mirrored what I experienced in the past. I had just started a job that required 100% travel and being away from home again for extended periods of time. After some searching because of the change I noticed she has two Google voice numbers and a MagicJack number with lots of activity both via voice and texting late at night when I am not home; late as in 3:30AM along with texting lingo after doing research it is lingo you would use on hookup sites. She had lots of numbers on her blocked list in her phone and claimed they were all bill collectors. After review it turned out they are not. The ones that are not bill collectors are men. A quick Google search of some of those numbers pulled up hookup sites and now I find myself very hurt moving more towards angry. I have never been one for an eye for an eye but while I have always been faithful; I am finding myself wanting to do the same to her but keep stopping myself because I do not want my life ruled by blind anger. She has denied doing anything at all. Any advice is appreciated.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your child and for the situation you find yourself in now. Long-distance relationships are hard at best and if you combine that with the trauma you and your wife have endured over the past year, I imagine things are a little bit of a mess right now. I understand your suspicion based on your previous experience, and what I generally believe is that if you go searching for something, you’re going to find it. The question is, what have you found? Is your wife lonely and seeking solace in someone else? Is she flirting with disaster because she’s having a hard time dealing with the death of your child and your long absences?
Ok, so I can tell you with 100% certainty that getting even with your wife is not going to help you feel better and it’s going to complicate an already complicated situation. I can fully understand why your trust in her is shaky, but I can also guarantee that checking out her online and phone activity is going to make it worse. Finding out that she’s calling hookup sites doesn’t help your marriage and it really doesn’t address the problem. So, I urge you to quit snooping and take a more direct approach to the problem. Have an open conversation with her and find out where’s she’s at. Ask her how she’s feeling, how she’s grieving, how she’s coping. Tell her how you’re feeling. Don’t accuse. Just talk. Try to understand how she might be feeling and how her actions might be related to that. And make sure to keep your anger in check. Yes, you have every right to be angry. But this is a woman you love deeply and my guess is that she’s struggling. Be kind and show compassion, even if it’s difficult.
Now, all that said, I would strongly suggest seeking marriage counseling. I would suggest this for either the infidelity issue or the grief issue by themselves and together, I think you guys could really use someone to help sort this out. Maybe at the end of the day, you find out that this marriage isn’t going to work. But maybe, if you work together, you’ll find some common ground and a way to rebuild the trust that you’ve lost. It’s up to you (and to her) as to how much effort you’re willing to put into this to fix it.
There is this person who I really like and it just so happens he is my best friend. I really want to go out with him but he doesn’t like me like that. What should I do?
Are you sure he doesn’t like you the same way? The truth is that no matter what happens, it’s probably going to change your relationship with him (at least a little). If you tell him you like him and he doesn’t like you back, it may make things awkward and the friendship may suffer. If you don’t tell him, you’re probably going to find it uncomfortable for a while being around him, which may be ok if you’re more concerned about keeping the friendship. So, what I wonder is, do you know for sure he doesn’t like you that way? Because sometimes, the best relationships are born of being best friends first. Maybe he’s pining for you too?
My best suggestion is to think carefully about the possible consequences of initiating a relationship with him. If you’ve thought it through, then whatever decision you make, at least you’ll be better equipped to deal with the fallout (good or bad).
Wishing you luck,
I really messed up with my girlfriend. I hurt her when I didn’t want to. I cheated on her and now she’s doing stuff to hurt me. Like talking to guys and stuff like that. What can I do to make her forgive me. Please I need help and I need her. I’ve been dating her for 9 months. I’m not trying to mess up. I love her too much.
You can’t make her forgive you. You can ask her to forgive you, but whether or not she can or will is really up to her. And I can tell you right now that you taking responsibility for your actions is going to be really important. In your question, you say you didn’t want to hurt her but you did cheat on her and that was a choice, your choice. It didn’t just happen to you. When you lose someone’s trust, you generally have to earn it back and part of that is taking responsibility for your behavior and understanding the impact it had on your girlfriend. Her talking to guys is a far cry from sleeping with them and while I don’t believe in “getting even,” it’s easy to understand how she might be feeling given your infidelity.
I know this sounds harsh, but I think that might be what you need, a good dose of truth. You both deserve to be in a relationship where there is trust and respect for one another. Do your best to show her that you are sorry and respect her feelings, even if right now she’s angry and hurt. Don’t tell her you didn’t mean to hurt her. Tell her you understand that you did hurt her and that you want to make it right. Then maybe she’ll be able to forgive you.
I am a 27 year old male that married a woman 10 years older than me. She is a good woman that has had a hard life. She was abused by her step dad when little and by several of her ex boyfriends. I love her so much and can't think about my life with out her. She has three kids 1 girl 2 boys. The oldest two are close to my age 22 and 20. We have been together since I was 21. I love her kids as my own and would do anything for them. I want kids of my own and she said OK but she has to have her tubes untied to have my kid. As the years passed I couldn't save enough money to have the operation done. I still want kids and she said that she wouldn't have any if she was 38. She’s 38 now and now she has a grandson and has told me if I wanted kids still I need to leave her and find someone else. I love this woman with all my heart and can't imagine life without her but I still want kids of my own. What can I do or what should I do?
I think you’re going to have to do some serious soul searching. The bottom line is that you can’t have a child with this woman if she’s not willing and it sounds like she’s not. Whether it’s her age or simply that she’s at a very different stage in her life, she has to be onboard. So you’re going to have to make a tough decision. If you love her and want to be with her, you’re going to have to accept that having your own biological children isn’t in the cards (at least with your current wife). Luckily, she has three kids and a grandchild so your desire to be a parent (and being a grandparent can be even better) is still a go. Being there for her kids is definitely an important thing.
It sounds like you’ve known for some time that having kids was contingent on her age, on having an operation, etc. So maybe the opportunity has passed. And now you’ve got to come to terms with what that means for your life. It’s unfortunate because it’s a big life decision and it probably feels like its been taken out of your hands. So what I’d like to offer is some perspective. What if she’d never been able to have your child? What if she’d had the operation and then hadn’t been able to get pregnant? (these things do happen). Would you still want to be with her?
If the answer is yes, than I would suggest talking with her openly about how you feel and then trying to accept the new direction of your life. It’s important to be honest about how you’re feeling, but if you find that you’re having a hard time dealing with your feelings, find a counselor to talk to.
If having a child of your own is the most important thing, then you know what your decision has to be.
Don't be shy! Say what's on your mind and get a good dose of perspective in return.