Helping Him Out

Dear Amy,
I have been seeing a man for 5 months. I like him a lot he said he likes me to. I want to go out on dates but he said he can't afford it right now. I have been trying to help him out financially. I have not met his kids. We don't go out. I visit him at his apartment. We have had sex several times. I want a real relationship. I'm not sure whether he really likes me or is just using me. Should I move on?

Dear Helping,

     Hmm. So I think it would be a great idea to think carefully about your own expectations. If you’re dating a man who is, for whatever reason, not financially able to be in this relationship the way you need or want him to, then yes, it’s probably time to move on. It doesn’t really have to have anything to do with his feelings about you at all. If he’s not the right man for you, its ok to find a person who can better meets your needs (and wants…those are important too).
     I tackled that first because I want to deal with the financial support separately. If you are both adults, capable of supporting yourselves, then there should be no reason to be helping him out financially. Now, I understand there are extenuating circumstances for us all. And if you were feeling that this relationship was headed somewhere good, I might not be so hesitant about the money. But I do think that there’s something going on here that needs to be fixed.
     It may simply be a matter of establishing boundaries. For instance, instead of helping him out financially, maybe you just pay for dates. If you want to be with this guy, it wouldn’t be horrible for you to be the one paying for romantic outings. However, if you’re paying his bills and there’s not a really amazing reason to be doing so….and if you feel like your needs aren’t being met…well then there’s a problem. It may not be that he’s using you as much as he’s taking advantage of a cozy situation (yes, I realize I’m splitting hairs here but I want to give this guy the benefit of the doubt since I really don’t know his situation).
     So, here’s the bottom line. You deserve a happy, healthy relationship where you and your partner contribute in ways that make you both feel fulfilled and appreciated. If anything less than that is happening, then you need to address it. Have a talk. Establish boundaries. Quit helping him financially if he should be able to help himself. And be willing to move on if he’s not willing to meet you halfway.

Amy