I have been dating a man for over a year now and we are definitely in love! He is such a great and loving guy! He adores my daughter and she loves him as well! But our relationship is currently at a stand still! Here's the thing, we live 1,000 miles apart! We met online but we instantly hit it off! We've only visited each other a total of 6 times but we speak via text phone and FaceTime everyday! We both know that the other is who we want! We also both know that in order for this to work someone has to make the big move! He has asked me to move to where he is because he has received a great career opportunity, but I just can't bring myself to do it while my left ring finger is still bare! I have so much to leave behind, and I'm definitely worried about how my 4 year old would respond to a new environment! He's stated that he would not have me move there if he wasn't planning to marry me! Am I crazy for wanting this man to propose to me first? Should I make the move first then wait for the ring to follow, as he assures it will? I love him and I cannot imagine life without him, but I also can't see myself making that big of a move without at least being engaged! Am I being unreasonable?
I can completely relate to your situation. I went through something very similar last year. Choosing to move away from your support system is always hard and I think we find ourselves looking for a guarantee. But there isn’t one. Whether he puts the ring on your finger now or later, there’s no guarantee that things will work out. And there’s no reason to think that they won’t. Life is about making the best decisions we can with the information we’ve got. If you move, you and your daughter will both go through a period of adjustment and it may not always be easy. Sometimes we take risks and bad things happen. But if you aren’t willing to take any risks, nothing happens.
Here’s what I would suggest. If the financial situation is better where he lives, start planning a move. But make sure that your plans are not contingent on the relationship. As a mother, no matter who is in your life, your focus will always be on taking care of your daughter. There’s no reason this decision has to be any different. Take your time. Research the new town, the schools, the playgrounds. Use Meetup.com or Facebook groups to reach out and start making friends early. Move over but not necessarily in. It’s not unreasonable to move to town but keep your own apartment until you’re sure things are going to work out. Figure out how you’ll stay connected with your support system back home.
This doesn’t have to be scary and you don’t need a ring to make a decision that will be good for you, your daughter and your fellow. Just make this move about YOU and not about the relationship. That way, no matter what happens, you’ll feel secure in the decisions you’ve made.
I hope you can give me some perspective on a very complex problem I'm facing. I was recently reunited with the only person I actually fell in love with about 20 years ago. At the time he was not ready for a committed relationship. It broke my heart. I went through a hard time trying to get over him.
Now 20 years later we found each other and it feels like we were never apart. The problem is he is now married and now that I'm a Christian it’s a violation to my faith to entertain the thought of a relationship with him. But I find myself not able to get him out of my mind and he has indicated his desire to see me and not just as friends. Upon meeting him it was instant chemistry between us and I find myself struggling with my faith and the desire to give into my feelings. Clearly I never quite got over him. He's older and much more stabilized. But unfortunately is not free. I know the logical think to do is to back off.
I myself was married and my husband a disabled vet passed away a few years ago. I single handedly raised our child who is about to go off to college. I am working in a hectic environment and have not been in a relationship for a very long time. It is no surprise to me that I came alive upon meeting up with him. It was like sunshine finally piercing the darkness of loneliness and hard work. I just can't seem to get him out of my mind.
My natural self wants to be with him as I sense he wants to be with me. We don't live in the same state but he's indicated wanting to have a relationship with me. I am very tempted. But struggle with my faith and intruding in a marriage, which according to him he's only in because of his 2 sons. Apparently he is not happy with his wife - but most men say that anyways.
My inner struggle is my faith and violating my relationship with God. But my desire to be with him seems to be stronger (which makes me feel badly). I have no one to talk this through with and hope you can help me sort this out.
Love can be overwhelming sometimes. Your feelings from 20 years ago have been revived but the situation today is much different. Twenty years ago, he wasn’t the right person because he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. Now he’s not the right person because he’s tied to someone else. Of course, your brain can tell you all that and it might not make the slightest difference to your feelings, right?
Putting your faith aside, let’s talk about your emotional well-being. Regardless of your beliefs, the reality of this situation is that you are going to be hurt. You’ll feel conflicted and angry with yourself for going against your belief system. You’ll feel guilty and maybe ashamed because you’ll be interfering in his marriage. You may feel suspicious, jealous, abandoned and depressed. The chances that this will take a toll on your self-esteem are pretty high.
I am a romantic and I love the idea that after 20 years, you’ve reconnected with your true love. And if I let myself, I can imagine a happy ending…one where he and his wife have an amicable divorce, allowing you two to be together but also giving him a chance to be a father to his children. But human relationships are complicated and don’t fall neatly into Hollywood-style romance scripts. As much as it might hurt, resisting the desire to be with him until he is free to be with you is going to cause the least amount of pain in the long run.
I wish I had a more fairytale solution for you, but you deserve happiness, stability and love from a person who can show up for you and be 100% present in your relationship.
I have fallen in love with a man that can't or won't ever love me because of a soul crushing past marriage. I just figured this out and I am heart broken. I need help getting past this. I don't want to give up our friendship as we have known each other all our lives. This is painful in so many ways. Help me.
I’m so sorry. Sometimes past relationships haunt us and I really hope for his sake that he finds a way to move forward. Love can be scary and painful, but a life without it sounds desolate. In the meantime, if you want to stay friends with him, you’re going to have to let yourself grieve. It’s ok to feel heartbroken. But try to keep in mind that your life is still full of possibilities. Maybe you friend just needs time and friendship and he’ll eventually heal. But the path he’s chosen, the one where he’s closed himself off to the possibility of love, is certainly one that you shouldn’t follow him down. Just be there for him. Be aware of your own feelings and treat yourself with compassion.
Wishing you serenity and love.
Hi, I am 62, my boyfriend is 65, I have at my age a huge libido urge, I could have sex everyday, but my boyfriend cannot return the favor, this is my first relationship in over twelve years, before I did not have any sexual urge, mainly I wanted to be in LOVE, I am now, but this is not satisfying me, can my boyfriend get a boost of testosterone to help me? I am going crazy waiting till he is ready for sex!!!
If the lack of sex is causing problems in your relationship then I would suggest seeing a doctor to see if there is something they can do to help. I’m not a doctor so I have no specifics for you on what might be available, but there are a lot of physical and psychological factors that can cause issues with sexual function and a medical doctor is probably a good first step in that process.
I’m also going to suggest that your current situation is actually a good sign. If you haven’t had sexual urges in many years and are now having them with this man, its probably a sign that you’ve found what YOU need in this relationship to reignite your own sexual desires. Have you considered other means of getting sexual satisfaction while you work out some of the physical problems? Intercourse isn’t the only means of achieving sexual pleasure. Maybe you and your boyfriend (if you’re both willing) could do a little experimentation (with or without gadgets). It could be a really good opportunity to be intimate and to communicate, even if it doesn’t involve traditional sexual intercourse.
I was in a relationship for 4 1/2 year. One year of that my boyfriend was incarcerated in Montana. Every month I would take off and go there. It cost me lots of money. He came back and was on probation. We loved each other very much and got along good. And then I don't know what happened. I told him to leave because he kept telling me he was going to leave me. Now I'm very sad and he did move on with someone else then came back to me. Now he's in a relationship with somebody 18 years younger and two small children. I have not been able to move on. We still talk every once a while but now his new girlfriend has put a restraining order on me but he didn't. I'm very sad. I cry almost every day but I have a good job and I work six days a week. People tell me to move on but I can't. I love and miss him. I feel he is my soul mate. What do you suggest?
Your well-intentioned friends probably have the right idea, even if it doesn’t feel terribly helpful right now. It sounds like your ex has moved on and that you’re going to have to do so as well. But that doesn’t make it easy and it doesn’t make it hurt less. It’s ok to feel sad and to miss your relationship.
But here’s the catch…if you’re sad to the point where it’s affecting you on a daily basis then it might be time to seek some counseling. I have always had a hard time letting go, especially of relationships and people I love. I know how it feels to have to work through those emotions and figure out who you are without the relationship as context. So my heart goes out to you. What I’ve found to be true for myself, and it might be true for you also, is that you need to refocus your energy on yourself. It’s easy to idealize your relationship with your ex, but if you examine it closely in relationship to your own needs, you might be able to see the things that were missing more clearly. A good counselor can help you do this and support you through the process. At the end, you’ll come out feeling better about yourself and ready for whatever comes next.
Wishing you love.
I am 53 and the woman I am interested in is 50. I want to move forward with the relationship. I have known her a few years now and I rent an apartment from her. She is divorced and so am I. I have very strong feelings for her. I want to tell her how i feel but do not want to push her away. I feel like i have to get this off my chest with her so I know what I have to do. I am not getting any younger, and need a healthy relationship with someone.
Dear Taking a Chance,
Does she seem interested in you? So, I would suggest that you tell her how you feel. If she is on the same page, then great for both of you. If she declines, be prepared to be respectful and to let it go. Since you’re renting an apartment from her, I assume this is someone you want to maintain a good relationship with regardless so be honest but respectful whatever her answer may be.
Wishing you luck and love.
I need help to end this relationship but save our friendship. We were best friends for over three years. He was hurt this summer in a serious car accident and he spent the majority of his time with me every day. I think this caused him to want a relationship, and he pushed it to go further. I went with it. He is in love with me, but I’ve mistaken my friendship love for real love. I tried to make love to him but it is horrible because there is no physical attraction. It does nothing for me. All physical contact makes me feel this way. I let him stay over because of his accident. It caused serious injury on the way home from work to home which is deep in the country and the woods. He stays with his parent but works far away. So I let him stay but since I agreed to the relationship he has not left. I HAVE NO SPACE!! I love him as a friend how do I tell him I love him as a friend and not hurt his feelings.
I am sorry that you are in such a complicated situation. It’s not at all uncommon for feelings to get really confused, especially on the heels of a big trauma. And I’m not sure there’s a simple solution to this problem. He’s probably going to be hurt no matter how gently you tell him and it would be a good idea to prepare yourself for that eventuality. I would suggest being honest but kind with him. Tell him that you’ve been really confused but that you treasure his friendship and don’t want to hurt him. Will that make it better? Probably not. But there’s no harm in letting him know that the reason this is so complicated for you is that you have strong feelings for him….just not the ones he deserves out of a romantic partner.
It’s entirely possible that his feelings about you have also been amplified by the trauma of the accident. You took care of him and his feelings about you romantically are probably all tangled up with those traumatic feelings. So, the hard truth is that its likely going to hurt his feelings…but not half as much as you letting things continue until you are so resentful that you hate each other, right?
And last but not least, figuring out that this isn’t going to work does not make you an evil person. Be kind. Be compassionate. But don’t let yourself be talked out of what you know is the right decision because you don’t want to be the bad guy. You’re not the bad guy. This is a very difficult situation but if you remain empathetic while sticking to your guns, it’ll be ok.
I'm not sure I'm able to fall in love with my husband again. We've been married for 9 years and for years (dating and married) he cheated, lied and didn't love me. His love for me could be measured in percentages, as he often told me. I love you 10%, 25% etc. He often went to zero :( As years passed I no longer cared. Now he says he loves me and has changed his cold ways, I believe he does love me now but for years when he didn't, I gradually stopped. Is it possible to fall in love again with someone you almost started to hate? Am I doomed to a loveless marriage for my kids? I love him but not like I should. I'm not In love with anyone else, I loved him so much once that I truly wish I could love him that way again.
You can’t go backward. Life doesn’t move in that direction. Even if your husband had been good to you (and what you’re telling me says that is not the case) you would still be approaching your relationship now from a different place and a different perspective than you did 9 years ago. Before I get to your question, I want to say that you (and we all) deserve to be with someone who will not withhold love, affection and intimacy from us. Your husband’s previous behavior is shameful really and it cannot be undone. You both need to accept that those years have made an impact on your feelings.
That being said, no, you are not doomed to a loveless marriage for the sake of your kids. You’ve admitted that you love your husband still,, though not in the way you did before. And its probably never going to be the way it was before but keep in mind, that’s a good thing. You don’t really go back to being unloved, cheated on, lied to…right? So in making a choice to move forward with your husband, you will need to do some work to rebuild your relationship. Instead of thinking about how things used to be, think about how they could be and how they are. Focus on the things you enjoy doing together. Find new ways to connect. Accept that things are different but that different could actually be better.
You can’t change the past but you can choose to live the future on your own terms. You can draw boundaries for yourself. You can find new and creative ways to reignite the romance in your relationship. You can work on being the woman you want to be and having the relationship you want. This is a good time to refocus on you and then work from there at making your relationship something different and better than what it has been.
Just please don’t let yourself be loved by percentages. You are worth more than that.
I'm 23 years old and I'm currently employed and not going to school. Since I can remember I've been a hopeless romantic. My sister often tells me that I’m just a poor girl looking for love. I've been in and out of relationships since I was 18 ... I've put up with so much and I've dated all types of men, nerds, geeks, thugs, business men and they all seem to say the EXACT same thing .. "I'm different " "I'm not like every other guy" .. Blah blah blah ... Every relationship I've had I've either gotten hurt or dumped ... this last relationship I had lasted a month and that guy would tell me how much he loved me , that he had found his soul mate, and that he wanted to marry me someday and than out of the blue he sent me a text saying we’re done ! Blocking me from all social media and his cell phone ... No explanation.. No reason I'm confused and he didn't give me the closure I needed I've fallen into deep sadness... Is it me? Why can't I be loved?
I know exactly how you feel. From one hopeless romantic to another, I can tell you right now that yes, it’s you. But not in a bad way. You are a loveable woman with loveable qualities. Experience tells me that your problem lies in expectations. It’s hard being a hopeless romantic without a whole bundle of unrealistic expectations about what love should look like. And let me tell you, I struggle with this one still, even now that I am happily and contentedly coupled (see, it’s an ongoing issue but not one that’s insurmountable).
In reading your message, one thing stood out to me. You say that you’ve dated all types of men but I would suggest that maybe that’s not entirely accurate. Despite the differences in careers and dispositions, its quite possible that you’ve been dating the same guy over and over again. I did that. I had a type and even when I thought the guy I liked was completely the opposite of my last guy…nope, not so much. So let’s consider the similarities between these guys you’ve dated. What were they like? How did they treat you? How did things end? Did you communicate well? Were there commitment issues?
Ok, so if someone tells you they’re different or not like the other guys, don’t believe them. And not because they’re not unique, but because chances are, you’re choosing according to a pattern. Despite their awesome one-of-kind-qualities, you’re probably attracted to them based on qualities that you may not even be aware of. That’s why we’re taking a moment here to think about what patterns might exists in your previous relationships. Because the pattern-making is all about you, not about them. And as long as you are choosing based on that pattern, you’re probably going to find yourself disappointed.
Something I learned about myself (mostly because I had the most amazing, no-nonsense counselor on earth!) is that I have made a lot of choices in men and relationships based on a lack of self-awareness and baggage from my life. Coming to terms with the things that make you you, good or bad, is half the battle (I think) to finding love and a lasting relationship. Because once you find that dream guy, you’re still going to need to pull some reality checks on yourself….Am I expecting to much? How am I contributing to this issue? Is this about him or about me? I ask myself these questions all the time. Heck, I asked myself these questions on the way back from lunch today. So don’t despair.
The main thing I can suggest to you that I truly believe will help you is that you turn your focus inward. Work on you, on being happy with yourself and your life with or without a relationship. It doesn’t mean you’ll never have one, but sometimes when you put your energy somewhere else, you find that the thing you want actually happens without you realizing it. I am a chronic over-thinker so I try to apply my over-thinking to myself rather than to people around me. It helps.
It’s going to be ok. You can and will be loved by a lot of people in your life. But the most important person to love you is you.
Can you be in love with a guy before you’ve met face to face? And when you’ve only known him for a few weeks?
Of course you can! Love has far more to do with the mental connection between two people than with physical appearance (though physical attraction is certainly a plus). In this age of online dating, I’d say it’s actually not that uncommon to fall in love with someone you’ve never met in person. And as a person who falls in love very easily, I will tell you that in my experience falling in love can happen faster than you think.
That said, as a person who falls in love easily, I would just make note here that falling in love and having a solid, long-lasting relationship can be very different concepts. So embrace those feelings but proceed with your eyes wide open.
Don't be shy! Say what's on your mind and get a good dose of perspective in return.