Dear Amy,
Sometimes bullying doesn’t end with high school graduation. Do you have any suggestions or advice for dealing with adult bullies in the workplace?

Dear Bullied,

     We spend a lot of time looking at bullying in schools and while it is certainly a cause for concern and serious work, I think that adult bullies can be twice as bad. With kids, we can assign consequences. They may not always be effective, but in a lot of cases consequences together with education can curb potentially harmful behavior before it escalates. But what are the consequences for adults? You can’t put adults in time-out and some adults could really use it!
     With adults, especially in the workplace, we have to employ different strategies. First, its important to make yourself aware of your employer’s policies on things like sexual harassment. Many employers have begun to clarify not only what is unacceptable behavior in the workplace, but also where you should go to file a grievance. Does your office have a Human Resources department or person? If so, check into what their policies are for dealing with inappropriate behavior in the workplace.
     Unfortunately, most workplace bullying doesn’t fall into the sexual harassment category. Instead, you have a performance-based environment where people are competing for respect and position, pay and benefits. Sometimes the workplace itself breeds this type of hostile environment – i.e. male dominated fields such as police stations or maybe car dealerships or female dominated fields like nursing. Sometimes the problem resides with one person and for whatever reason – insecurity, inferiority or maybe just plain meanness – that person has found bullying to be an effective means for getting what they want.  
     If you’re lucky enough to have an open and understanding boss (and assuming your boss is not the problem), it would be a good idea to have a conversation with them. Approach the situation not as the victim but instead as a collaborator seeking a mutually agreeable resolution to an important problem. If the problem persists, document it. Write professional, dated letters documenting each incident and whatever actions were taken to remedy them. Following your company’s internal protocols for dealing with workplace issues can be really important in maintaining a healthy and stable position for yourself.
     Most importantly, don’t be afraid to draw clear boundaries for yourself and to enforce those boundaries. Repeat after me…”I do not appreciate you speaking to me like this” or maybe “It is not necessary for you to treat me disrespectfully. I’m sure we can find a way to resolve this issue.” Bullies aren’t used to being challenged and you may find that asserting your right to be treated respectfully is enough to deflect bullying behavior away from you.
     Ultimately, you are the only person who is going to advocate for yourself so don’t be afraid to do so. Workplace bullying is rampant and one of the reasons is because very few people stand up for themselves. And those who do are not always met with the support they need. This is a shameful truth, but I hope you will believe me when I say that your mental well-being is very important and if your workplace cannot support that, it may be time to start looking for opportunities elsewhere. Take care of yourself.

Amy

Note: You may find the resources at WBI – The Workplace Bullying Institute useful depending on your particular situation.  

Dear Amy, 
Last year I had several separate incidents where authority figures crossed the line with me, harassment issues and an unwanted sexual encounter. I've been somewhat vocal about these incidents. I was honest about it. This has caused me to lose some casual friends. I've lost some credibility, sank into a depression, suffered nightmares, I moved because I didn't feel safe, I've developed trust issues. I could go on and on about the consequences that I've been dealing with, they seem to be endless. I thought that speaking up against these issues was the right thing to do. I've given up on trying to get people to believe me or to simply understand, they just don't. How do I move on from this with a little bit of dignity?

Dear Moving Forward, 

     You showed immense courage in being open and honest about the things that have happened to you and it is shameful, though not entirely unpredictable, that you are being met with less than the respect that you deserve. We (the collective we) have a hard time understanding the complexities of sexual harassment and sexual assault. You only have to turn on the news to see a culture full of victim blaming and inappropriateness when it comes to matters of sex, intimacy and consent. And sometimes our friends and family don’t know what to say and lean toward avoidance. I’m sorry that this has happened to you and I understand your wish to move forward with dignity. 
     Luckily, dignity is a feeling of one’s own self-worth, and while I’m sure those feelings have been tested, take solace in the fact that dignity comes from within and can be reclaimed. Recognize the strength that you showed in coming forward and telling someone what happened to you. The vast majority of sexual assault victims will never tell their story but in telling yours, you have taken a huge step toward regaining control over your life and your body. 
     The anxiety, nightmares and lack of trust you are experiencing are normal reactions to the experiences you’ve described and I cannot stress enough the importance of seeking professional help in dealing with these ongoing issues. Find a local counselor or call your local rape crisis center and ask them for a referral. And give yourself time. Trauma does not heal overnight, especially emotional trauma.
     Turn to the friends that have supported you through this and let them continue to support you. While you may have lost some friends, the reality is that those people have shown you their true value as friends. The people who have stuck with you know that you are worthy. They will help you find your dignity in the moments when you feel it is beyond your grasp.
     You've come to me looking for perspective, and here it is. You continue to reach out and to speak out which tells me that you want to heal…and so you will. Seek help. Hold fast to your friends. And insist that your boundaries are respected. You can overcome this. 

Amy