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Dear Amy,
What should you do if you haven't talked to your boyfriend in 2 weeks??? He says he doesn't have a phone and I believe him but I don't think its good for our relationship!?? So please help me. BTW I'm 15!! Dear Incommunicado, After reading your question, I found myself wondering how you met your boyfriend. I would have assumed you’d met him at school given your age, but then I wondered why you haven’t seen him for two weeks. Clearly, I’m missing something. But either way, I think my advice would be pretty much the same so I’m going to press on. It stinks not to be able to talk to your boyfriend everyday or even just more regularly. And yes, it does make a relationship difficult BUT not impossible. I would suggest finding other ways to communicate. Here are some suggestions:
Ok, so one last thought. If your boyfriend disappears for large periods of time, this may not end up being the kind of relationship that’s going to be comfortable for you. And it’s okay to understand that about yourself. You are absolutely entitled to decide what kinds of things you like and are willing to live with in a relationship. You can’t make someone else fit that mold if they don’t (round peg, square hole) but recognizing the things that you need in a relationship will make it more likely that you find someone who meets those needs. Wishing you good luck. Amy Dear Amy,
Okay. I really like this guy, my ex boyfriend & he likes me too. He doesn't even know why I broke up with him and he has been asking me out and telling me his feelings. He just recently asked me out and I have been avoiding the message but I know I can't avoid him cuz we will see each other all week. The problem is my "friends." I love them but the reason I kept breaking up with him is because of them. They always judge him, and our relationship. They tell me he is bad for me and that I am stupid for dating him. They talk about him all the time and they don't know they are the reason I did this. When we broke up they were so happy and started being really mean to him. They think I'm fine but I’m not. I would go out with him again, right now. But it's the pressure around the school. And coming from your friends it's a lot worse and it hurts. But I love him. And I really want to say yes. I get frustrated easily and I really don't want to cry because of this again in school where everyone can see. It's sucks. Please help. Dear Pressured, ’d like to think that, as we get older, we learn not to butt into our friends lives but I know its not true. And being in school and in close quarters with people (even friends) who can apply absurd amounts of peer pressure makes standing on your own two feet hard at times. But you can’t let your friends bully you out of having the relationship you want. If they are really your friends, they will respect your decision regardless of how they feel. Now, having said that, I’m not going to pretend that peer pressure is no big deal. It is and I understand how hard it is to stand up to your friends. But if you don’t learn to do it now, they’re going to keep pushing you in directions you don’t want to go. They may not mean to be cruel, but in telling you how to live your life and refusing to let you make your own decisions in peace, they’re taking away your power. And right now, you’re letting them. So here’s my advice. If you want to date this guy, do it. If your friends give you a hard time, tell them that you love them for being concerned about you but that they need to back off. They need to treat you with respect and in order to make that happen, you’re going to have to insist that you are treated with respect. Be kind but firm with your friends. Maybe they have a point. Maybe he’s not a great match for you. But guess what? This is your life and as long as you make thoughtful decisions and treat other people with respect, you’ll do just fine. Amy Dear Amy,
So a couple of years ago I dated this guy. He was sweet and at first I didn't really know why I was going out with him but then I realized I really like him and he was really shy when I was dating him. After a few months of dating he told me he loved me and I told him I loved him back but I was really confused and scared because no one has ever said that to me before. We broke up like a month later because I think we just grew apart? Or something. Anyway last year we started to talk and it was nice. Recently I realized that I like him and he told me that he never knew why we never talked after because we ended on good terms. The last time I talked to him we were at a party and he was really "happy" and "chill". He told me that he did some drug and that's why. I’ve got high like once or twice and I don't want to be hypocritical because my friends say I should stay clear of him because of the drug thing but I really like him ... What should I do? Dear On the Fence, You take a calculated risk being in a relationship with someone who’s using drugs. First, there’s the legal complication. Unless it’s a legal drug, there’s always the chance of getting in trouble, even if the drugs aren’t yours so keep that in mind. But the thing that I would think about more carefully is why he uses drugs in the first place. Is he uncomfortable in social situations and took something to help calm him down? Does he use them all the time? Is he able to deal with and express his emotions without the drugs? Do they alter his behavior and personality? (the answer is probably yes, so the next question has to do with what happens when he’s not under the influence). I’m going to refrain from judgment about his drug use and simply say that you need to follow your instincts. A lot of people experiment with drugs. But a lot of people also abuse drugs. I don’t know where he stands, and the truth is, the decision is yours. You need to determine whether a relationship with this guy is going to be healthy for you or not. Think about it. Take your time. Don’t let anyone pressure you one way or the other. You’ll be the one who has to live with your choice so make it based on what you need and are willing to live with. (PS this advice applies to all things in life!). Amy Dear Amy,
I met this guy about 10 months ago. He happened to stop into the store I was working in. Well we talked on the phone a few times and he kept telling me he wanted to take me out for dinner, well that never happened, I finally told him it wouldn't work out because I couldn't deal with the wait I will call you back etc. Well 10 months later he texted me because he is in town for his son's graduation, he wanted to see me. He called me that night and told me he would like to see me the next day, so we go out for dinner and had a nice conversation. We talked a few more times, several times and within two weeks he told me he loved me.....fast forward a month, he has been on the road and I told him the one thing I want is for him to communicate with me since we couldn't see each other much. He told me all these things he wanted from me, he wants me to be his girl, he wants to get married, he has a goal to buy a couple of houses so he can retire and live happily, but what is bugging me is that in the beginning he would call, text and say he will try to make it my way. Day before valentines day he tells me he will try to make It here, he has a plan but he would have to fix numbers on his work sheet. I told him not to do that, I don't want him to get in trouble. The entire weekend I heard nothing from him. His calls would go to voice mail. And his mailbox was full. Well after worrying and contacting his company he told me he was having phone issues, there was no way to call me, he claims. He said his phone went black and could not use it and the Verizon store was closed on Sundays so he spent the entire weekend at a motel waiting for Monday to go to Verizon. Just me typing this is sounding ridiculous. My thing is if he really wanted to contact me, he would have, if he really said he loved me he would not be ignoring my calls and text messages as he has done so today. I texted him this morning and have yet to hear from him. What are you thoughts? Dear Waiting, I think his intentions may be good but his actions show a lack of ability to follow-through, for whatever reason. He may truly just have a complicated life and schedule that makes him unreliable at best. Or, he may be leading you on. Either way, his words and his actions are telling two completely different stories and it’s the actions that count. If we were chatting over coffee, I’d tell you to just let him go. Or, call him on it. Tell him that you expect more out of a relationship and since he can’t seem to pull it together, you’re done. You shouldn’t have to wait around for this guy to get on board. You deserve better. Amy Dear Amy,
A couple of weeks ago I reunited with a man I dated 34 years ago when we were just teenagers. We live 15 minutes apart and we both work 12 hour days. I have every weekend off and he has every other weekend off. This year, his weekend off fell on Valentine's Day. That morning he texted and wished me a Happy Valentine's Day. I responded and invited him to dinner. To my surprise, he didn't respond. Later, 2 1/2 hours later after I texted him again, he still didn't seem too interested. Needless to say I was hurt by his lack of enthusiasm and didn't get to spend any time with him. He tells me he's very interested in me, but his actions on V-Day said different. I didn't need gifts or to go out, I simply wanted to spend time with him. So the following day he asked if I was still angry and I broke up with him. I didn't think I was asking too much for a little bit of his time since we only get two days out if the week to see each other. He said he just didn't have the energy. I think he should have found some...especially on this day for lovers. Do you think I acted in haste? Not sure if I should apologize for biting his head off. Please help. Dear Hasty, Well, I think you had a really strong emotional reaction based on expectations that he didn’t realize he was going to have to live up to. So, the short answer is, yes, I think you may have been a wee bit hasty in breaking up with him. If you want to date this guy, I suggest you apologize. But first I want you to consider a few things. Namely, why was your reaction so big? If this was a standing date you’d had for years, I could see being fairly upset but having only dated for a few weeks and given that you hadn’t made the plans ahead of time, your angry reaction makes me wonder about your background and experiences. I think your reaction was much bigger than the issue at hand. I can understand being frustrated, but the sudden break up makes me wonder what you’re afraid of. Are you worried about being hurt? Disappointed? Here’s the thing. He can’t possibly meet your expectations if you not only keep them from him but also punish him without giving him a chance to work things out. Maybe he’s not a spur of the moment guy. Maybe he didn’t realize Valentine’s Day was such a big deal for you. These are all issues that some communication could solve but you cant’ communicate if you break things off before you can even begin. So, I would suggest talking to him but first I’d take a pretty honest look at you and really think about what just happened here. Are you ready for a relationship? Wishing you love and serenity. Amy Dear Amy,
There's this girl I like and I'm not sure if she's bi/lesbian too. We only have one class together and it's every other day. I don't want to ask her if she's because I don't want her to say no and not talk to me again how do I deal with this? Dear Unsure, The best relationships are based on friendship and if you become friends with this girl, you’ll get to know her well enough to know the answer to your question. Maybe you’ll end up dating or maybe you’ll just gain a new friend, but either way, you win. Amy Dear Amy,
I’m having some middle school trouble. So I like four guys but I'm dating one of them and they all like me back. Please help with this problem. Thank you. Dear Troubled, This is a problem people face throughout their lives and what it comes down to is making choices that are respectful and compassionate. What does that mean? It means being fair to the people involved. If you like one boy but decide you want to date another one, the respectful thing to do is to stop dating the first one before starting to see the second one. And so on and so forth. This isn’t always the easy choice, but I promise it will lead to less hurt feelings in the long run. So, here’s the bottom line. Be respectful of the boyfriend you already have. Any boy worth your time will be respectful of that relationship too. Amy Dear Amy,
I became best friends with this girl my sophomore year of high school. She dated one of my best guy friends, B, and that didn't end well. He really hurt her and since she and I were together a lot I decided to stop being friends with him so that she wouldn't have to see him too much. She told me all the things that happened during the relationship and he had been a total jerk. Because of that I saw the bad in him and completely cut him off. I now know that wasn't the best choice. Now I'm in my senior year of high school and she is dating my only guy best friend. She likes to flirt a lot and she was friends with benefits with B, and my best friend, R, has a history of cheating. I know that if she breaks up with him and hurts him, I'll just lose her. But if he breaks up with her and hurts her, I'll stop being friends with him and resent her for contributing to the end of R's and my friendship. What should I do? I already told them I wasn't okay with their relationship. Dear Stuck, You’re going to have to work on being Switzerland, neutral. It’s hard when friends date because it changes the dynamics of the whole social group. But you can’t keep ditching guy friends every time your friend breaks up with one…especially since she seems bent on dating within your social circle. It’s admirable of you to want to shield your friend from discomfort, but you’re sacrificing your own friendships and it doesn’t sound like they’re doing the same. See what I mean? My suggestion is to lay it out this way…”fine, if you guys are going to date, I want you to understand that if you break up, I’m staying friends with both of you. You may not talk badly about one another to me because you need to be considerate of my feelings.” Sound reasonable? In this way, you’re standing up for your right to have friends and you’re making it clear that you have boundaries. You’re entitled to your own feelings about your friends without having those feelings influenced by their feelings about each other. You can’t control their behavior, but you can certainly control your own so I suggest taking the focus off of them and putting it on you and what you need to be happy. Amy Dear Amy,
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, when I was 14 and he was 16. Now I am 17 and he is 19 he gets on my nerves, but I love him very deeply. I find myself having a very flirty relationship with a 16 year old boy at my work who I fantasize about now and then. I decided to search this because it's becoming that bad. I would never cheat or leave my boyfriend, although I can't stop thinking about this boy from work. We have such a fun and playful friendship but he also has a girlfriend. I told him once I had a little girl crush on him and he said well you have a boyfriend which makes me wonder if I didn't things would be different between me and the co worker. It's very confusing for me. I think I love them both and I don't want to do anything to ruin my relationship or the friendship I have with this boy. Dear Choices, Life is full of choices and I think you’re going to have to make one soon. Unlike the movies, things don’t generally work themselves out into neat little piles. You’re very young and you’ve been with your boyfriend for a very long time. You have a whole life ahead of you and I think that what you’re experiencing now has to do with your own personal growth. As a girl who married her high school sweetheart (yep, that’s me), I want to suggest that you take a step back and give yourself room to have a life of your own. I’m trying really hard here not to sound like a stuffy adult saying things like “you’re too young” but having been in the exact spot you’re in now, I can tell you that your life is going to take a lot of twists and turns and that the things you think are important now may seem different later. The best you can do is to be honest, especially with yourself. Maybe the truth right now is that you’re not sure you still want to be with your boyfriend but you also love him and don’t want to hurt him. Maybe the truth is that your crush on the co-worker is a fleeting thing and it won’t amount to much. Choosing what to do next is really up to you because you’re going to have to live with the consequences of your decisions. But that’ll be true throughout your life. So what I would suggest now is to take a long hard look at yourself and what you want out of life. Will you be heading off to college soon? What will your life look like next year? Or in five years? Sometimes the decisions you make, hurt. The best thing you can do is to try to be compassionate and to be honest with those you love. There you have it. Wishing you luck and courage as you move forward in life. Amy Dear Amy,
I'm having the weirdest issue. I've been with my girlfriend about 7 months, and I get along great with her family. But her family talks about her to me and I'm getting a bit scared. Her step-father does it the most, he basically warns me about her. Tells me if I decided to break it off he understands why because guys never stick around. He's also her landlord and tells me how nasty the house is when I'm not around, and how filthy she is on a regular basis. He tells me he's feels I should know what's really going on, and not to move into her place and leave my own. And it seems he genuinely is looking out for me, other family members also comment about similar things. I fell in love with her from the day I met her, and even though she lives 8 hrs away I was willing to move. But her family warning me is a tough pill to swallow and I'm literally scared at this point. What do I do? Nobody ever sticks around and this is why. If I tell her I run the risk of being hated by her family. Dear Scared, feel really sorry for this girl. Her family is sabotaging her relationship with you. It doesn’t really matter if what they say is “true”, because it’s really an issue of perspective. Whatever issues they have with her, and as much as they may like you, its really pretty rotten of them to be bringing this to you in this manner. If she was a serial killer or a drug addict, then maybe it might be good for you to know that ahead of time. But not a neat freak? I can think of many worse qualities. And maybe with you, she’ll tidy up. Maybe she’s never had much motivation to do so before. Either way, this decision is really yours and I suggest you consider it very carefully. On the one hand, you may move in with a slob and decide that’s not the life you want…there are no guarantees no matter what you do. On the other hand, if you bend to this pressure, you may lose the girl of your dreams. Is it worth it? Whatever you decide, you're the one who will have to live with the decision so make sure it's you who's deciding, not them. PS, maybe nobody ever sticks around because her family runs them off. Consider that. Amy |
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