Something has to Change
I am having some issues with my relationship. I'm 19 and my boyfriend and I moved into his parents house six months ago from another city because we had both lost our jobs there and needed a fresh start. They said that we could stay with them as long as we both got jobs. From the moment I got there I was looking for work, filling out job apps, going to interviews. But my boyfriend just wasn't trying, I would try and help him the best I could but something would go wrong and he would get frustrated with me and the online application, and simply give up... His parents would try and help as well. They even went as far as filling out some apps for him. Month in and month out we are trying to help him. The more we help and the more he gets frustrated and shuts us all out... I got a job about a month and a half ago and the pressure is really on him, I understand that, but now it's nothing but negativity, and attitude from him. Because he is so negative to everyone, his parents have had enough of it and have given him until the end of February to find a job or even just show them that he is trying, until they kick him out... His parents treat me like one of there own and have told me if he gets kicked out I am more than welcome to stay. We are fighting way more than we ever have in the two year's that we have been together. If something doesn't change it could be the end of us... Amy PLEASE give me any advice you can!
As you know, losing a job is really stressful and some people handle stress better than others. I would suggest that your boyfriend is really struggling with the loss of his job, having to move back in with his parents...that loss of independence can hit a person pretty hard. It sounds to me like he might be dealing with depression and unless he gets some help for that, its unlikely to get better. He may continue to withdraw and get angry and push you all away. If he is depressed, he may not know how to fix this or even understand that he needs that kind of help.
So here’s what I would suggest. First, in dealing with him, I would suggest to him that he might need to talk to someone about his feelings – a professional. He may balk or refuse, but I think you should make the suggestion anyway. You could say something along the lines of “I’m really concerned about you and about our relationship.” Let him know that you’re not mad, you’re just concerned. You could even offer to go with him. It may work, it may not. But here’s where we move on to step two.
Step two: keep your life on track. Start looking at your future and what it’s going to look like, with or without your boyfriend. Be honest about your plans with him. Start looking at other places to live. It might be tempting to stay with his parents even if they kick him out, but the reality is that he is their son and you need to set a clear path in case you two don’t end up staying together. It will get complicated and hurtful if you stay after they kick him out and won’t help the situation for him at all. Since they’ve given him a deadline, start making plans as if that’s your deadline too. Let his parents know how much you appreciate their support but also that it’s important for you to live as independently as possible. If they’ve been supportive thus far, they will most likely continue to support you, especially as you show them how responsible you can be.
And maybe your boyfriend will take a cue from you. Once the energy in the house is refocused on you and your plans, maybe he’ll fall in line. Maybe he’ll see what is possible. And if you’re planning on moving out of their house and he’s planning on going with you, he’ll need to contribute. Sometimes being a role model is more effective than doing it for him.
Involve him in discussions about options so that he knows he has some. And make sure you know what your options are too. Relationships are really important but you’ve got to take care of yourself first. Otherwise, as you can see, it all starts to fall apart.
Wishing you good luck,
Was I Wrong?
actually have a few questions and hope you can give me some answers. Several yrs ago I got involved with a married man, it started out as sex, occasional times out to eat, occasional stays in motels to have time together, etc. He ended up telling me that he loved me and I was honest with him and told him that I didn't love him as much as he loved me. Was I wrong in telling him that, because now to this day he seems to throw that up when we argue? Down through the years we have dated, breaking up, getting back together numerous times because of our arguments.
Second, while he was still married, going home to his wife, even though he was saying they slept in separate rooms, didn't really acknowledge each other, more or less lived like roommates, I met someone on an online dating site without telling him I was looking on the sites, and went to meet this person without telling him. During the months before I did this I kept asking was he ever going to leave his wife or what we're his intentions, but seems like he always tried to dodge the question and would give no answer, or would say he wants to be divorced and will be, no matter if we're together or not, but he would get it in his own time. Again, still to this day he constantly reminds me that I ran off to another state to meet someone else. I try to justify what I did by telling him that he was not making any decisions and was doing nothing to establish a relationship with me without being married, was like he wanted his cake and eat it too, so I did what I had to do. Was I wrong in doing this and was I not justified in doing what I did?
Third, we do work together, have for all these years, actually that's how we met. A long time ago we were just "shooting the breeze", and he ask me who at work would I possibly sleep with so unfortunately I gave him a name, even though I had no intentions of acting on it, and in return I ask him the same question, and he gave me a name.....now still to this day he throws up the fact that I talk to this person that I named. Was I wrong in doing that even though he asked?
Lastly, I have basically asked where our "so called" relationship is going, because I've decided that for spiritual reasons I want the sex to stop and us to entertain the thought of marriage if we plan on being together, but he continues to ask me "why would he marry someone who ran off to another state to meet someone else, who talks about anything and everything to the person they said they would possibly sleep with, who made him leave his wife when she had nobody, etc. Is there any way that this relationship can be saved if we decided to want it too, being at this very moment we are on a break!!! I know this is a lot, and I want to thank you in advance for answering.
The relationship you have with this guy is all wrapped in a lot of unavoidable baggage. Is it reasonable for him to have expected more from you (faithfulness, etc) than he was willing to give his own wife? No, of course not. Both his and your actions throughout this relationship have made things very complicated and it all comes down to matters of trust. Why does he worry about you talking to this other work fellow? Because he doesn’t trust you. And why doesn’t he trust you? Because trust really hasn’t been established in your relationship. He was fooling around behind his wife’s back with you, telling you what you wanted to hear so that he could keep things between you going. You were exploring other possibilities outside your relationship with him. On both sides of this relationship, there has been a lack of commitment and trust so him demanding it now or throwing that back in your face seems a little overblown.
In love, anything is possible. But you guys would be carrying an awful lot of emotional baggage and history into a relationship moving forward. My question to you is, do you really want to be with this guy? The feeling I get from your questions leads is that you’re wondering that yourself. If you decide to try and make it work, start from a place of open communication and honesty. At this point, you have to figure out how to deal with the baggage. You’ve both got to be willing to leave the past behind you. If you can “start from scratch” you might make it work. If not, it’s going to be a hard road every time you experience conflict and one or the other of you brings up old business.
Honestly, I would probably suggest taking a breather and focusing on yourself. Take some time to figure out what it is that you really want out of a relationship. If happily ever after is what you’re looking for, you’re starting from a very difficult position with this man. Impossible? No. But a lot of work I think. Take some time to consider whether you’re up to the task.
Confused And Considering Moving On
There's this guy at work that I like. I had to move to another job and we exchanged numbers before I left. I wasn't able to see him on my last day but we texted each other. I'm confused about his feelings for me. He mentioned on his text that he would like us to find a way to meet up since I didn't see him before I left. He said he will miss me and to keep his number. After few days, he doesn't text me. I'm the one who texts him first and sometimes he doesn't respond to my texts. Did he change his mind or he's not true to his word? Do I need to continue texting him or move on?
My vote….move on. It may be any number of things that are keeping him from communicating but whatever the reason is, you shouldn’t let it keep you from moving forward with your life. If you back off for a bit, he might reappear from wherever he’s disappeared to. Or, he may not. Either way, focus on you first.
I have known a man for 10 years. We have been friends, lovers, shoulder for support. The other night he told me he’s always wanted me. Well I have always wanted him. He is involved with someone that works for his business. He says for business reasons this it what it has to be for now. I have a feeling his silent partner is related to her and does not want to lose that partner. His relationship with her is unfulfilling...Any Ideas?
You may have to be patient. It sounds like you’ve been close for a long time so maybe waiting isn’t going to be as hard as it sounds. Here’s what I’d suggest. Be honest with him about how you feel and what you want. And then let him know that you understand things are complicated. Ultimately, he’s going to have to let the other person go if he wants to be with you in a way that will not cause undo drama in either of your lives.
Mixing relationships with business is really tricky. Regardless of his feelings for her or for you, it would be a good idea for him to establish some firm boundaries. Given that he’s clearly feeling some pressure not to the rock the boat, the relationship he’s in with the other woman already sounds like a bad idea. If he’s worried about leaving her now, its not going to get any easier with time…especially if her feelings for him are stronger than his feelings for her. You know what I mean? If he were asking me this question, I would tell him to suck it up and end it with the other woman simply because its an unfulfilling relationship that complicates his work situation significantly.
But for you, I would suggest patience. Be his friend as long as it’s healthy for you. Don’t let him string you along forever, but for now, if it’s comfortable, maybe just wait and see what happens. Maybe knowing how you feel about him will be the motivation he needs to figure out how to end the other relationship. And if he doesn’t, then focus on the friendship and make sure your emotional needs are being met.
Working on the Weekend
I am needing advice on the opportunity of taking a second job. I am starting a nurse residency program as a new grad nurse next week. I will be working three 12 hour shifts a week. For the first 6 weeks I will be training on day shift and then I will begin working night shift. My second job opportunity is at my favorite retail store. In the past few months I have been entertaining the idea of working a few hours a week through the holidays at this retail store. This store was my first job out of high school and I worked a total of 3 years with the company before going to nursing school. I stopped by the store to buy a few items and I mentioned casually to an associate that was training on the register that I loved working there and miss it from time to time. The woman training her said to me that they were hiring seasonal staff and that I should speak with the manager. The manager happened to be in the store that day so I went ahead and asked what she had available. She said she had one position left to fill and it is a position that would be a few hours a week, flexible hours, and needed an experienced worker. Ding ding! Exactly what I am wanting. I told her that I was possibly interested and requested an application to take home and think about. I will be meeting her in a few days for an interview. If I am offered the job do you think I should take it? It would be very fun for me and I enjoy working but do you think it will be too much on top of a new career? Do you think I will be over working myself? Nursing is going to be extremely stressful, do you think having this fun second job will burn me out or help relieve some stress?
So, you like to be busy then eh? I’d say that whether or not you should take the job depends greatly on the kind of person you are. As an experienced juggler, I can tell you that the first thing that gets compromised is sleep. But then again, its only a few hours a week right? So let’s see, some people read for fun. Some watch TV. Some scrapbook, cook, run, hike, garden, party. People find fun in a lot of different places and if you feel like this second job would be a fun way to spend your non-nursing time then I say go for it with the following stipulation…if you start feeling overwhelmed, it has to be the first thing to go. You’re fresh out of school and starting a new career so that has to be the priority.
If the retail job helps you relieve stress, that’s great – and a good chance to earn a little extra money can’t hurt. But if you’re not going to be willing to let it go (if necessary) then it might be better to get started in your nursing program and see how it goes before getting involved in something else. If, on the other hand, you can take a really honest look at your life and make modifications accordingly…then do it!
Luckily, you have experience with this company and you probably have a pretty clear idea about what you’re getting yourself into so if the promise of fun outweighs the fear of overdoing it, give yourself permission to take the job. You won’t be the first or last person to juggle jobs (and life) and honestly, your nursing schedule might just support your new retail hobby quite perfectly.
Best of luck,
Don't be shy! Say what's on your mind and get a good dose of perspective in return.