In Love with my Teacher
I have a serious problem that I don’t know how to handle. I have fallen in love with my 29 year-old orchestra teacher and I’m only turning 13. I have no clue what to do. I know you may say it’s just a crush but i know it’s not. I get butterflies in my stomach just looking at him. I know it’s highly illegal for a minor to date a teacher but I really want to be with him. I know I can’t so right now all I really want is a kiss or hug or something for him to symbolize he cares about me. I love him and I don’t want him to get in trouble for something he didn’t do. Please help me.
I’m not going to tell you this is just a crush. Your feelings are real and I don’t doubt that they’re overwhelming. But, I’m going to be honest with you. As a teacher, he cannot have any kind of inappropriate contact with you, including kissing and hugging. Teachers are held to a professional code of ethics that forbids them from having that kind of contact with their students. It’s intended to keep you (his students) safe from being taken advantage of, but it’s also intended to keep him (and other teachers) safe from making mistakes.
The bottom line: Kissing you, hugging you or having any inappropriate contact with you could not only get him fired and/or arrested, but could make it impossible for him to teach ever again. If you care about your teacher, don’t put him in a position that might ruin his career and his life. It doesn’t have anything to do with his feelings or yours. It’s about following the rules and keeping everybody involved safe.
Worried about my Boyfriend
So I am young and my boyfriend isn't talking to me in school and hasn't been texting me lately. My first thought was that he was mad at me and he said he's not. Then I asked my friend who's in his class who said he hasn’t been talking to anyone today and kind of down. I asked him what's wrong and he said he was up late doing schoolwork and he was tired. I don't think that's the whole problem but he said it is. What should I do?
The best thing you can do is to give him some space but let him know that you care about him and are there for him if he needs to talk. Maybe he’s really just tired. Or maybe he’s got some stressful stuff happening at home. It’s hard to say for sure and if he’s not feeling like talking, you can’t force it out of him.
Now, if you start to worry that he’s depressed and might harm himself, find an adult you trust to talk to right away.
We all have bad days and sometimes our bad days are more like bad weeks or years. Be his friend. Let him know he can come to you if he needs you. Then give him a breather. When he tells you he’s not mad at you, believe him. When he’s ready to talk about how he’s feeling, he will. Or maybe he’ll work through whatever’s bothering him and things will get back to normal. Give him time.
My Boyfriend is Incommunicado
What should you do if you haven't talked to your boyfriend in 2 weeks??? He says he doesn't have a phone and I believe him but I don't think its good for our relationship!?? So please help me. BTW I'm 15!!
After reading your question, I found myself wondering how you met your boyfriend. I would have assumed you’d met him at school given your age, but then I wondered why you haven’t seen him for two weeks. Clearly, I’m missing something. But either way, I think my advice would be pretty much the same so I’m going to press on. It stinks not to be able to talk to your boyfriend everyday or even just more regularly. And yes, it does make a relationship difficult BUT not impossible. I would suggest finding other ways to communicate. Here are some suggestions:
Ok, so one last thought. If your boyfriend disappears for large periods of time, this may not end up being the kind of relationship that’s going to be comfortable for you. And it’s okay to understand that about yourself. You are absolutely entitled to decide what kinds of things you like and are willing to live with in a relationship. You can’t make someone else fit that mold if they don’t (round peg, square hole) but recognizing the things that you need in a relationship will make it more likely that you find someone who meets those needs.
Wishing you good luck.
I’m having some middle school trouble. So I like four guys but I'm dating one of them and they all like me back. Please help with this problem. Thank you.
This is a problem people face throughout their lives and what it comes down to is making choices that are respectful and compassionate. What does that mean? It means being fair to the people involved. If you like one boy but decide you want to date another one, the respectful thing to do is to stop dating the first one before starting to see the second one. And so on and so forth. This isn’t always the easy choice, but I promise it will lead to less hurt feelings in the long run.
So, here’s the bottom line. Be respectful of the boyfriend you already have. Any boy worth your time will be respectful of that relationship too.
Stuck in the Middle
I became best friends with this girl my sophomore year of high school. She dated one of my best guy friends, B, and that didn't end well. He really hurt her and since she and I were together a lot I decided to stop being friends with him so that she wouldn't have to see him too much. She told me all the things that happened during the relationship and he had been a total jerk. Because of that I saw the bad in him and completely cut him off. I now know that wasn't the best choice. Now I'm in my senior year of high school and she is dating my only guy best friend. She likes to flirt a lot and she was friends with benefits with B, and my best friend, R, has a history of cheating. I know that if she breaks up with him and hurts him, I'll just lose her. But if he breaks up with her and hurts her, I'll stop being friends with him and resent her for contributing to the end of R's and my friendship. What should I do? I already told them I wasn't okay with their relationship.
You’re going to have to work on being Switzerland, neutral. It’s hard when friends date because it changes the dynamics of the whole social group. But you can’t keep ditching guy friends every time your friend breaks up with one…especially since she seems bent on dating within your social circle. It’s admirable of you to want to shield your friend from discomfort, but you’re sacrificing your own friendships and it doesn’t sound like they’re doing the same. See what I mean?
My suggestion is to lay it out this way…”fine, if you guys are going to date, I want you to understand that if you break up, I’m staying friends with both of you. You may not talk badly about one another to me because you need to be considerate of my feelings.” Sound reasonable? In this way, you’re standing up for your right to have friends and you’re making it clear that you have boundaries. You’re entitled to your own feelings about your friends without having those feelings influenced by their feelings about each other.
You can’t control their behavior, but you can certainly control your own so I suggest taking the focus off of them and putting it on you and what you need to be happy.
Hard Choices to Make
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, when I was 14 and he was 16. Now I am 17 and he is 19 he gets on my nerves, but I love him very deeply. I find myself having a very flirty relationship with a 16 year old boy at my work who I fantasize about now and then. I decided to search this because it's becoming that bad. I would never cheat or leave my boyfriend, although I can't stop thinking about this boy from work. We have such a fun and playful friendship but he also has a girlfriend. I told him once I had a little girl crush on him and he said well you have a boyfriend which makes me wonder if I didn't things would be different between me and the co worker. It's very confusing for me. I think I love them both and I don't want to do anything to ruin my relationship or the friendship I have with this boy.
Life is full of choices and I think you’re going to have to make one soon. Unlike the movies, things don’t generally work themselves out into neat little piles. You’re very young and you’ve been with your boyfriend for a very long time. You have a whole life ahead of you and I think that what you’re experiencing now has to do with your own personal growth. As a girl who married her high school sweetheart (yep, that’s me), I want to suggest that you take a step back and give yourself room to have a life of your own. I’m trying really hard here not to sound like a stuffy adult saying things like “you’re too young” but having been in the exact spot you’re in now, I can tell you that your life is going to take a lot of twists and turns and that the things you think are important now may seem different later.
The best you can do is to be honest, especially with yourself. Maybe the truth right now is that you’re not sure you still want to be with your boyfriend but you also love him and don’t want to hurt him. Maybe the truth is that your crush on the co-worker is a fleeting thing and it won’t amount to much. Choosing what to do next is really up to you because you’re going to have to live with the consequences of your decisions. But that’ll be true throughout your life. So what I would suggest now is to take a long hard look at yourself and what you want out of life. Will you be heading off to college soon? What will your life look like next year? Or in five years?
Sometimes the decisions you make, hurt. The best thing you can do is to try to be compassionate and to be honest with those you love.
There you have it. Wishing you luck and courage as you move forward in life.
Searching for Something New
I'm a figure skater. I started in 6th grade now I’m a freshman. Over the years I haven’t gotten much better as a skater, even though I put in a lot of time and money. I go for class lessons and have a private coach. Its expensive and I don't really enjoy it because I’m not really good. All the girls my age are a lot better and are in higher levels. Younger girls that are really skinny and short and small are in very high levels because they have the capability to jump high in the air. I’m very tall, I’m about 5'8 and I think this greatly affects this concept. I know there are some skaters as tall as me, but the majority are a lot shorter. Like 5'2 or shorter. Also I get really nervous at competitions because I’m not good and it’s embarrassing and I always get last place even though I’m not in a very high level. So I need advice on whether or not I should quit I’ve been thinking about quitting for a while now and some people think I should quit, others don't. I honestly don't know because my mom has put in a lot of money for this and I’ve put in a lot of time but also I don’t want to keep on putting in time and my mom to keep on putting in money if I’m not getting better at it and if I don't enjoy it.. I would want to try something else like volleyball because I’m tall so I think I would be good at it. So trust me I don't want to quit because I'm lazy because I'm not. I like being active, I just want to find something I'm good in. So do you think I should quit or not?
I think you should have a very honest talk with your mom about how you’re feeling. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to find something that you’re better at than figure skating but it would be a good idea to talk through it. Look at the pro’s and con’s. Tell your mom how it makes you feel, how you aren’t enjoying it much and then let her know that there are other things you’d like to try. If she’s agrees, then quit and try something new. If not, stick it out a while longer and give it your best shot.
In life, we sometimes have to see things through even when they turn out not to be right for us. So a lot will depend on what you and your mom decide. I imagine that if you have a very meaningful talk with her, you can come up with a plan together that will give you the chance to try new things but will also ensure that you’re not losing anything by quitting too quickly.
Bottom line: every single experience you have is going to shape the person you are. So even if you’re not the best figure skater in the world and even if you’ve put in a ton of time and money, this is always going to be something you look back on as being a big part of your life. One of the most important things you can ever learn in life is to take everything that comes as a chance to learn and grow.
Ok, so my question does have something to do with a relationship and I do love her, but it's a friend not like a love relationship question. I am 12 years old and I have a friend who is 14, she is one of my best friends and I look to her as a big sister, but I feel desperate for her attention and I don't know how to get away from that. I love her like a sister and when I'm like on the phone with her or something and people ask who I’m talking to, I say my sister. She gives me advice when I need it, but she never talks to me without me talking to her first, I don’t know what to do to not be so desperate. Please help?!?!
Believe me, friendships are every bit as complicated as any other relationship. I think there are a lot of people who’ve felt the way that you do, including me, and here’s what I’ve learned. When we have really strong emotions about another person, even if its just friendly love, it can get really confused in our minds. And it usually has more to do with us than with the relationship itself. When I feel desperate for someone else’s attention, it’s usually because I’m feeling lonely or I’m feeling down about something going on in my life. The attention from that person makes me feel good so I start to crave it. Does that sound familiar?
What I suggest is taking some time to think about yourself. How are you doing? What’s going on in your life…the good and the bad? What makes you happy? What are you good at? Here’s the thing – if you’re focusing on yourself…doing things that make you happy, developing your talents, taking care of yourself…you’ll begin to feel less needy of someone else’s attention and then you’ll feel better about having her attention to begin with. Does that make sense? What I would guess form reading your question is that you’re worried that your need to talk to your friend is going to push her away or somehow hurt your relationship with her. The best way I know to fix that is to refocus on yourself and work on making sure that you are as happy and healthy as you can be.
Hope this helps.
High School Purgatory
I currently need some advice like fast. I'm a sophomore in high school and i am at school in the library, during lunch break, because i guess i don't have any friends anymore. I honestly don't know what to do, no one is talking to me.
It all started because one of my friends (friend 1 ) was talking to me at lunch on tuesday about everything i ever did negative in our friendship like i acidently lost a few of her things, i understand my fault. But then she texts me during 6th period on tuesday about how their all tired of my " shit " so their not talking to me and i mean all of them. What do i do ? Please help.
That's what high school tends to be. Purgatory. You're not out in the "real world" yet but you get all the complications of a complex social scene. I'm sorry your friends are bailing on you and while I promise it won't last forever, I also was a high school girl once and it can be the pits! So you and friend 1 got in fight and now the whole crowd is taking sides? Here's the thing with high school girls. They all (we all...I was there once too) tend to be overly dramatic and very catty in the way we deal with one another. Part of this has to do with the way that girls relate to one another in general. Girls focus on the social pecking order. As females, we are tuned in to relationships and sometimes that's great. But it also means that we experiment. We want to see what kinds of reactions we can get out of others. Add all the pressures of being a teenager to the mix and high school is a perfect place for drama to unfold on a regular basis.
You've seen it before right? If you look around you, there's a constant stream of drama. You may even find yourself right up in the middle of it. I remember taking sides. I remember getting so wrapped up in social situations that feel like the end of the world. I promise they're not, but I know it doesn't feel that way right now.
So here's my advice to you (and this advice will serve you well in your adult life too). You CANNOT control how other people react or feel. Ever. The only thing you CAN control is how you react and feel. So make the decision right now to not be a part of the drama. Take responsibility for your actions but don't let your friends make you miserable. This week's drama will be replaced by next week's drama and if you make it perfectly clear that you are not going to get sucked into these shenanigans, they'll lose interest in the silent treatment and you'll find that things get easier. Take this time to think about you and how you want your life to be. As adults, we sometimes think we are powerless and it starts with situations like this. You are not powerless! You can decide how you are going to spend your time and who you will be spending it with. Hanging out in the library? Fine! Read about something you want to learn about. Think about a place you'd like to travel or something you'd like to do after high school. When they see that you're not bothered by their behavior, you'll see that the power has shifted back to you.
Be patient. Be kind. And above all, be brave.
Don't be shy! Say what's on your mind and get a good dose of perspective in return.