Frustrated with Facebook Friending

Dear Amy,
Me and my boyfriend are having problems with Facebook. He's from Dallas. He has a lot of old friends. I don't have a problem with that but now he has females sending friend requests. Still not a problem. But there was one today and I asked him today who was the new friend. First, he was all surprised like he didn't know. Well he doesn't know her but she had some of the same friends on her page that are his friends too so he felt like he should accept her. I have a problem with that. Our profile pictures are the same. We are together in our profile pictures, says in a relationship on both pages. Why would you friend someone you don't know that's clearly taken? Why friend someone if you’re not going to talk to them. I would never do that out of respect for their other half. He has one that was his friend. I sent her a friend request she accepted then a couple days later unfriended me. Her reason was she didn't know me well. Why did she accept at all? She would comment on his pictures like I was not even in the picture. I think a man that lives with another women should not have a bunch of single girls as friends. And its all girls on messenger. Am I an idiot?

Dear Frustrated,

     No, you’re not an idiot. You’re just allowing yourself to be torn apart by the mystery and magic of social media. Facebook is a wonderful tool for “connecting” with other people and for keeping in touch with old friends. The truth is that people often “friend” people they don’t really know. Some people are more reserved. Some people aren’t (and some people friend everyone in sight without really thinking much about it). At the end of the day, your feelings about his Facebook friends are probably rooted in different understandings of “friendship.” Is it reasonable to expect that coupled people not have single friends? Probably a little. He’s not hiding you or your relationship so there shouldn’t really be an issue with him having a whole gaggle of single girl (and guy) friends right?
     Don’t worry. I’m not dismissing your feelings. My boyfriend has female friends on Facebook too and they comment on his photos sometimes like he’s alone in the picture and yes, it bothers me sometimes even though I try not to let it. You’re human. It’s ok to be human. But I would like you to consider some things. First, has your boyfriend given you any reason not to trust him? If not, have any past relationships had big trust issues?  Experience tells me that there’s something trust-related that’s making you feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t have to be a problem with your current relationship. It could be something else. But whatever it is, I would try to identify it and work on it because we live in a seriously digital age and sites like Facebook aren’t going away. Controlling who he’s friends with or who you’re friends with won’t take way those feelings of jealousy or insecurity.
     So, I’m going to tell you something very true and revolutionary and if you can accept it, it might just change your life. Not everyone thinks like you. I struggle with that one. Facebook isn’t a dating site so not everyone who “friends” someone else is looking for love. It’s also true that not all “friends” are FRIENDS. Facebook introduces a complicated and crazy dimension to friendship that we often don’t have to deal with in face to face interactions. But if you can accept that other people’s intentions might be different from what you think…and, you and your boyfriend have a good relationship…then I would try to categorize Facebook as a crazy-making, awesome, fun, insane thing that doesn’t really reflect reality that closely.

Breathe.

Amy