I have a serious problem that I don’t know how to handle. I have fallen in love with my 29 year-old orchestra teacher and I’m only turning 13. I have no clue what to do. I know you may say it’s just a crush but i know it’s not. I get butterflies in my stomach just looking at him. I know it’s highly illegal for a minor to date a teacher but I really want to be with him. I know I can’t so right now all I really want is a kiss or hug or something for him to symbolize he cares about me. I love him and I don’t want him to get in trouble for something he didn’t do. Please help me.
I’m not going to tell you this is just a crush. Your feelings are real and I don’t doubt that they’re overwhelming. But, I’m going to be honest with you. As a teacher, he cannot have any kind of inappropriate contact with you, including kissing and hugging. Teachers are held to a professional code of ethics that forbids them from having that kind of contact with their students. It’s intended to keep you (his students) safe from being taken advantage of, but it’s also intended to keep him (and other teachers) safe from making mistakes.
The bottom line: Kissing you, hugging you or having any inappropriate contact with you could not only get him fired and/or arrested, but could make it impossible for him to teach ever again. If you care about your teacher, don’t put him in a position that might ruin his career and his life. It doesn’t have anything to do with his feelings or yours. It’s about following the rules and keeping everybody involved safe.
I have been in a relationship for 17 months and living together 6 months. These past 6-8 weeks have been very difficult. I finally had it. I took the last blow. Intimacy has deteriorated. When it seems as if I initiate sex 2-3 times a week, he refuses or has a headache. The last 2 times he actually threw me off him and when he initiated it at 1:30 AM, I allowed him because it is what bonds us and I enjoy him. His behavior has been distant, I did not understand so I asked. He told me to respect his wishes & he'll respect mine. When I continued to let him know he hurt me he told me to shut the fuck up each time. Excuse my language, for the situation I got so furious I asked him to get out, I threw his clothes on the floor the second time it occurred. This last incident I actually asked him to go to hotel which I drove him to. I felt so rejected, hurt, numb. He pleaded not to take him he can sleep on the sofa. I thought this was best so we don't escalate. Was I in the wrong for telling him it was the last blow and ask him to leave? He came to get his things he expressed it was messed up & low. I felt disrespected in so many ways. I’ve never had a man in my life reject me while initiating sex. I guess I felt entitled for being there for him in the last year. I moved him in because he had a 2nd DUI was in jail for 3 month. Then his uncle threatened to throw him out. I felt I needed to be there for him. He has been sober 10 months and saw progress in his day to day going to work etc.. He even cooked for me. Now he said it’s my fault. I made the decision to kick him out and he will not come back. He said he has no security since if I kick him out again. I understand it is probably better he gets on his own two feet, better for me as well the verbal abuse/physical I know I deserve better. It is like death of a break up. Was I in the wrong?
It sounds like your relationship was pretty unhealthy and so it’s probably a good thing to take a step back, even if it hurts. Breaking up is like a kind of death and sometimes you need to allow yourself to grieve.
I want to address a few things you said, though. First, no one is ever entitled to sex. I’m taking a hard line on this one because sex should be a completely a consensual act and if one person feels they are “owed” sex, it’s likely that there’s going to be a lot of disappointment, resentment and a shift in power that takes sex to an unhealthy place. It sounds like you guys ended up in that place. You felt rejected and angry. He felt that his wishes weren’t being respected. The feelings you were both having were very real and so its not surprising that you hit a wall.
And then there’s the matter of verbal and physical abuse. Respect is a two way street and from what you’ve said, neither one of you was showing much respect to the other. Verbal and physical abuse are not okay under any circumstances, so maybe this breakup is really the best thing for both of you. You DO deserve better and he needs to get his life together so that he’ll be healthy and confident in his relationships. While you may have felt like you had to take him in to support him at one point, that burden may have left you feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Maybe once he gets himself worked out, you two can try again. Or maybe it’s a good idea to find a guy who you’re on more even footing with.
Wishing you luck.
I'm in my early 20s and when I first got to college, as someone who didn't have many dates before that, indulged in many one-night stands and also, on several occasions, paid for sex. I bitterly regret doing the latter, because I know it's a mixed thing morality wise, many of the women are forced into it and it's also illegal. I wasn't aware of these things until I'd stopped. I couldn't believe I did something that in many ways is a horrible thing for women. I did treat the women with respect and it was consensual. I'm worried because I know that many women don't like the idea of a man hiring an escort because it can be degrading or whatever, but these things never crossed my mind. I keep telling myself I'm human, and being human, you make mistakes but I can't shake these bad decisions. My promiscuity is in the past and I really want to have relationships in the future, but did I already blow my shot? Do I even have to share this? I wouldn't judge a woman over her sexual past but I don't know if any future partners would feel the same.
You are neither the first nor the last college kid who went a little overboard with the newfound freedom of adulthood. The fact that you now recognize the downside to your past behavior is actually pretty darned self-aware…a lot of people never reach that kind of awareness. There are only two ways that your behavior could impact your future relationships: 1) if you were unsafe and ended up with a sexually transmitted infection as a result, and 2) if you can’t find a way to forgive yourself for your actions.
Starting wit the first issue: one of the risks of sexual promiscuity is the spread of sexual transmitted infections (STI). If you pick something up along the way, there could be health related issues for you and, of course, it could affect future sexual relationships. Does that mean you can’t have a relationship? Of course not! But I would suggest an STI screening with your local doctor or public health clinic so that you will know for sure whether there is anything to worry about. This is one way to take responsibility for your past behavior.
Second, let’s talk about your emotional well-being. You’re carrying around a lot of guilt and while it’s good that you’re thinking carefully about the implications of your actions, you’re going to have to find a way to forgive yourself. I knew a lot of people in college who were heavy into drugs and alcohol. There was a lot of rampant and unsafe sex going on. You’re not alone and you’re not a bad person for having had a lot of casual sex. But you may not have realized at the time how this behavior was going to affect you emotionally in the long-term. That’s the problem with sex. It feels great but it carries a lot of emotional weight for both men and women. And now that you understand that, you can make more informed decisions for yourself moving forward.
You are not obligated to share the details of your sexual experiences with anyone. It’s yours. It’s private. But please make sure you’d not hiding it. Know what I mean? If you’re keeping it a secret because you’re ashamed of it, then maybe it’s time to talk with a counselor about it.
Moving forward…Make sure that you know you have a clean bill of health so that you don’t put your partners at risk. And then move on with your life. Be respectful. Have fulfilling relationships. Have amazing, consensual sex. You’re human. Learn from your mistakes and embrace your life.
Just wanted to ask a question, how long before meeting someone new, that you should sleep with them?
Hmm, maybe now…maybe never. Deciding to sleep with someone is such an incredibly personal decision and there are a lot of considerations. My own personal feeling is that the younger you are, the longer you should wait. People (especially women) often read so much more into sexual encounters that it’s good to know where you are in your life and how sex is going to affect you…and often that kind of self-awareness comes with time and experience.
On the other hand, I’m not a prude when it comes to sex and I don’t see anything wrong with having some good safe and consensual sex at whatever point feels comfortable to you. Where my cautious side sets in is on the topic of safety. Not knowing someone well….let’s say, same day you meet someone new…exposes you to risks to both your physical health and your emotional well-being. Of course there are no guarantees ever, but spending time getting to know someone will give you a better sense of who they are and where they’ve been. Sex is stinking fantastic but not enough to wind up with some life-threatening disease or to end up alone with someone violent or abusive.
So, let me put it this way. Don’t have sex without thinking about it first. Consider the options and what you hope to get out of the situation. Don’t wait until clothes are coming off and you’re too caught up in the passionate stuff to make an informed decision for yourself. Otherwise, have fun and be safe.
I have been seeing this guy for about a month and we had not had sex until last night. I have intimacy issues due to a past relationship and I was not ready for intercourse. Last night we were at his house and things were progressing toward intercourse and I expressed that I was not ready and wanted to stop. At this point we were both mostly undressed when I changed my mind and told him to stop. He complained to me that it wasn't fair to go this far and tell him to stop. He continued to guilt me and persuade me to continue and I regretfully let him. After he was finished I began to cry and went to the bathroom. I mildly gained my composure and got dressed. He seemed irritated that I was upset and did not ask me if I was ok. I left with an awkward goodbye because I wasn't sure what to do. As of tonight he has not called or texted. I am so lost about what to do or where to go from here. Help please!
What happened to you was not ok and I'm going to be very honest with you. In the best light, it was disrespectful and lacking empathy. In the worst light, I think you could view this as an attack. Sexual assault is complex and more subtle than people usually think. It involves coercion and using manipulation and guilt to get sex counts. Everyone…wait, let me say that again….EVERYONE has the right to refuse to have sex AT ANY TIME during a sexual encounter. That means that even if you are in the middle of intercourse and you decide you are done, you are completely within your rights to stop and to expect that your partner will respect your decision.
The fact that this guy was not sympathetic to your tears tells me that he does not get it. And the fact that he hasn’t contacted you should be the final kick in the pants you need to run fast in the opposite direction.
So, let’s talk about you. I would like you to consider talking with a counselor (your local rape crisis center can refer you to someone who knows what you've been through). You may find that you are able to move forward with ease, or you may struggle. If you struggle, don’t wait to get help. What happened to you was not your fault and the fact that you are reaching out to me shows me that you might benefit from talking to someone who can help you sort through your feelings. Take care of yourself and know that your wishes deserve respect.
I recently started seeing this guy, we've been dating for about 3 months. He is sweet and charming and we have great chemistry inside and outside the bedroom. We are both very adventurous sexually and comfortable with exploring the other's likes and dislikes. One night he invited me to join him and his friend at his friend's house for a movie night. When I arrived both him and his friend were very intoxicated and actively drinking. I myself don't enjoy drinking and chose not to join them in taking shots. Only 15 minutes into the night things became very uncomfortable for me. My boyfriend was being extremely affectionate in inappropriate ways in front of his friend. Even though I told him to stop he continued in making sexual advances towards me in front of his friend. I didn't want to start a fight so I played it off as much as I could and just kept pushing his hands away. When he began undressing me forcefully I said that I was done and left the house as quickly as I could. The next day he texted me as if nothing had happened and only when I brought it up did he apologize. I am still feeling upset and shaken up by the experience and am not sure how or if I should address it with him again. Should I let this go? If I should bring it up with him what should I say? He didn't physically hurt me but I feel taken advantage of. I need an outside perspective, please.
First, let me say that it is not at all surprising that you are still feeling shaken. Your boyfriend put you in an awkward and dangerous situation. When it comes to sex, consent is key and the second you said no and he continued the advance, he crossed a line.
So, there are two things that I want to bring up here. The first has to do with talking to him. Yes, you should most definitely bring this up again and I implore you to use this opportunity to draw a very clear boundary. Regardless of whether you are open to sexual exploration, no means no. In fact, it would be better to think of this in terms of “yes means yes.” Unless you are giving a clear and enthusiastic yes to his advances then he needs to stop and check in with you.
The second thing I want to bring up has to do with your emotional well-being. Bringing up previous openness to sexual exploration makes me think that you are feeling like you may have brought this on yourself. You didn’t. Period. Each time we have a sexual encounter with someone, it is its own unique experience requiring the same enthusiastic yes that every previous encounter had. In other words, just because you did it before doesn’t make it OK this time.
Talk to your boyfriend and maybe look into seeing a counselor, either on your own or as a couple (assuming you want to stay with your boyfriend). Make sure that your boyfriend understands that this behavior is unacceptable and will not happen again. Set firm boundaries. And then talk to a counselor. It sounds like you may need to talk this through in order to feel better. And you should, because you are important and your emotional well-being is worth protecting.
Don't be shy! Say what's on your mind and get a good dose of perspective in return.