Me and my ex broke up way back in February. But ever since we've found it hard to stay away from each other. We talked about getting back together but never did because he said "oh schools ending" but yet on the last day he’s all over me saying he'll call me during summer and putting his arm around me. He never called. Now we're back…he said hi and I just smiled…we still haven’t talked more than two words to each other and its killing me...sometimes I think I’m over him but I just cant move on after all this time. I mean getting back together would be great but at the least I want to be friends. Is he over me? Does he even care? I always catch him staring and making faces when I talk to guys. But he’s with this girl a lot and walking her to class which is what he did to me before we dated...I really don’t know what to do...everyone tells me to just get over him but i really can’t.
Sometimes after a break up, we cling to the familiar. It’s not surprising that you two had a hard time staying apart. You were probably both in need of comfort. But I think if you were going to get back together, it would have happened by now. Having a hard time moving forward is normal and since you and your ex spent some time keeping your feelings alive after the break up, it’s understandable that moving on has been especially difficult for you. But the longer you hold on to the idea of getting back together, the longer it will take you to heal. And if he’s indeed moving on with someone else, holding on is going to be very painful.
My suggestion is that you take some time to think about things that make you happy that don’t have anything to do with relationships. Are you involved in school clubs or sports? Do you love hanging out with your friends? Take this time to do things that you enjoy. Things that get your excited about life and that don’t require that you’re dating someone. It’ll help you take the focus off of your loneliness and back on what’s most importance…your happiness.
I've been having an online affair with a younger married man from another state. I cannot sleep because of the guilt. I'm feeling so badly about myself. I know I must end it, but I can't seem to find the courage to do the right thing. I am also in a long-term relationship. He is very sweet & loving. It started as friendship but we had fun chats & it got hot from there. I need advice on how to do it, gently.
Dear Ending It,
The best thing I can do, I think, is to offer you some truth with a dose of perspective. The truth is that the path you’re headed down is one filled with heartache for a lot of people. You’re having an affair with a married man so both he and his family will be affected by it. You are in a long-term relationship so both you and your partner will be affected by it. That’s a lot of collateral damage. And the fact that you’re physically feeling the effects of the guilt means it’s not only emotionally unhealthy but also physically unhealthy for you to continue.
So, what is keeping you from ending it? Is it that you don’t want to hurt him? Because, in all reality he’s going to get hurt one way or another. Is it that you’re not happy with the relationship you’re in? Adding another person to the mix only makes it more complicated. I would suggest thinking carefully about the things that might have motivated you to get into this affair in the first place and address those issues. If you’re lonely or your needs aren’t being met in some way, there’s probably a more healthy way to get what you need.
I’m not sure ending it gently is possible. You might have to go cold turkey on this one. You don’t have to be cruel, but affairs have a way of dragging on and on until the world implodes for one or both people. Be brave. It will hurt but dealing with it now will be a lot less painful than the fallout that will come later.
A couple of weeks ago I reunited with a man I dated 34 years ago when we were just teenagers. We live 15 minutes apart and we both work 12 hour days. I have every weekend off and he has every other weekend off. This year, his weekend off fell on Valentine's Day. That morning he texted and wished me a Happy Valentine's Day. I responded and invited him to dinner. To my surprise, he didn't respond. Later, 2 1/2 hours later after I texted him again, he still didn't seem too interested. Needless to say I was hurt by his lack of enthusiasm and didn't get to spend any time with him. He tells me he's very interested in me, but his actions on V-Day said different. I didn't need gifts or to go out, I simply wanted to spend time with him. So the following day he asked if I was still angry and I broke up with him. I didn't think I was asking too much for a little bit of his time since we only get two days out if the week to see each other. He said he just didn't have the energy. I think he should have found some...especially on this day for lovers. Do you think I acted in haste? Not sure if I should apologize for biting his head off. Please help.
Well, I think you had a really strong emotional reaction based on expectations that he didn’t realize he was going to have to live up to. So, the short answer is, yes, I think you may have been a wee bit hasty in breaking up with him.
If you want to date this guy, I suggest you apologize. But first I want you to consider a few things. Namely, why was your reaction so big? If this was a standing date you’d had for years, I could see being fairly upset but having only dated for a few weeks and given that you hadn’t made the plans ahead of time, your angry reaction makes me wonder about your background and experiences. I think your reaction was much bigger than the issue at hand. I can understand being frustrated, but the sudden break up makes me wonder what you’re afraid of. Are you worried about being hurt? Disappointed?
Here’s the thing. He can’t possibly meet your expectations if you not only keep them from him but also punish him without giving him a chance to work things out. Maybe he’s not a spur of the moment guy. Maybe he didn’t realize Valentine’s Day was such a big deal for you. These are all issues that some communication could solve but you cant’ communicate if you break things off before you can even begin.
So, I would suggest talking to him but first I’d take a pretty honest look at you and really think about what just happened here. Are you ready for a relationship?
Wishing you love and serenity.
I have been in a relationship for 17 months and living together 6 months. These past 6-8 weeks have been very difficult. I finally had it. I took the last blow. Intimacy has deteriorated. When it seems as if I initiate sex 2-3 times a week, he refuses or has a headache. The last 2 times he actually threw me off him and when he initiated it at 1:30 AM, I allowed him because it is what bonds us and I enjoy him. His behavior has been distant, I did not understand so I asked. He told me to respect his wishes & he'll respect mine. When I continued to let him know he hurt me he told me to shut the fuck up each time. Excuse my language, for the situation I got so furious I asked him to get out, I threw his clothes on the floor the second time it occurred. This last incident I actually asked him to go to hotel which I drove him to. I felt so rejected, hurt, numb. He pleaded not to take him he can sleep on the sofa. I thought this was best so we don't escalate. Was I in the wrong for telling him it was the last blow and ask him to leave? He came to get his things he expressed it was messed up & low. I felt disrespected in so many ways. I’ve never had a man in my life reject me while initiating sex. I guess I felt entitled for being there for him in the last year. I moved him in because he had a 2nd DUI was in jail for 3 month. Then his uncle threatened to throw him out. I felt I needed to be there for him. He has been sober 10 months and saw progress in his day to day going to work etc.. He even cooked for me. Now he said it’s my fault. I made the decision to kick him out and he will not come back. He said he has no security since if I kick him out again. I understand it is probably better he gets on his own two feet, better for me as well the verbal abuse/physical I know I deserve better. It is like death of a break up. Was I in the wrong?
It sounds like your relationship was pretty unhealthy and so it’s probably a good thing to take a step back, even if it hurts. Breaking up is like a kind of death and sometimes you need to allow yourself to grieve.
I want to address a few things you said, though. First, no one is ever entitled to sex. I’m taking a hard line on this one because sex should be a completely a consensual act and if one person feels they are “owed” sex, it’s likely that there’s going to be a lot of disappointment, resentment and a shift in power that takes sex to an unhealthy place. It sounds like you guys ended up in that place. You felt rejected and angry. He felt that his wishes weren’t being respected. The feelings you were both having were very real and so its not surprising that you hit a wall.
And then there’s the matter of verbal and physical abuse. Respect is a two way street and from what you’ve said, neither one of you was showing much respect to the other. Verbal and physical abuse are not okay under any circumstances, so maybe this breakup is really the best thing for both of you. You DO deserve better and he needs to get his life together so that he’ll be healthy and confident in his relationships. While you may have felt like you had to take him in to support him at one point, that burden may have left you feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Maybe once he gets himself worked out, you two can try again. Or maybe it’s a good idea to find a guy who you’re on more even footing with.
Wishing you luck.
I became best friends with this girl my sophomore year of high school. She dated one of my best guy friends, B, and that didn't end well. He really hurt her and since she and I were together a lot I decided to stop being friends with him so that she wouldn't have to see him too much. She told me all the things that happened during the relationship and he had been a total jerk. Because of that I saw the bad in him and completely cut him off. I now know that wasn't the best choice. Now I'm in my senior year of high school and she is dating my only guy best friend. She likes to flirt a lot and she was friends with benefits with B, and my best friend, R, has a history of cheating. I know that if she breaks up with him and hurts him, I'll just lose her. But if he breaks up with her and hurts her, I'll stop being friends with him and resent her for contributing to the end of R's and my friendship. What should I do? I already told them I wasn't okay with their relationship.
You’re going to have to work on being Switzerland, neutral. It’s hard when friends date because it changes the dynamics of the whole social group. But you can’t keep ditching guy friends every time your friend breaks up with one…especially since she seems bent on dating within your social circle. It’s admirable of you to want to shield your friend from discomfort, but you’re sacrificing your own friendships and it doesn’t sound like they’re doing the same. See what I mean?
My suggestion is to lay it out this way…”fine, if you guys are going to date, I want you to understand that if you break up, I’m staying friends with both of you. You may not talk badly about one another to me because you need to be considerate of my feelings.” Sound reasonable? In this way, you’re standing up for your right to have friends and you’re making it clear that you have boundaries. You’re entitled to your own feelings about your friends without having those feelings influenced by their feelings about each other.
You can’t control their behavior, but you can certainly control your own so I suggest taking the focus off of them and putting it on you and what you need to be happy.
I broke up with my boyfriend. I realized I want him back and I found out that he still wants to be with me. He doesn’t wanna be with anyone else and we both feel the same about each other. The only problem is...since I was the dumper He feels that I should talk to him first because if he does, he'll look desperate. I don’t know why but I'm so nervous to say hi and to talk to him. I feel like I'm scared that we'll break up again if we do but I don’t know why I'm so nervous around him.
If you take a risk, sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen. But if you don’t take a risk, nothing happens. (Wisdom from the Golden Girls). If you want to get back together with this guy, then go ahead and just start talking. It sounds like you’re both worrying a lot about what might happen, and maybe a lot about what other people will think. But the bottom line is that getting back together is going to require someone to make the first move. Go for it.
I'm a woman in my mid-fifties who was in a fairly brief (4 month) relationship. My "boyfriend" was very intense and pushy, which made me feel uncomfortable, so I ended the relationship as delicately as I could.
He seemed to take it as well as could be expected when we spoke in person, but I had a feeling that I hadn't heard the last of him; that he would try to continue the conversation with me. I was right. In the week since our "breakup conversation," he has sent me three lengthy texts and I have not responded because I don't want to engage in further conversation about this, or "fuel the fire." It seems that, as intense and pushy as he was being during the relationship, he is being equally intense and pushy about the breakup.
Do you think I'm doing the right thing by not responding to his texts? Or do you think I should respond with a phone call to ask him to stop contacting me?
If intense and pushy is engrained in his personality, it’s not surprising that those behaviors are continuing. I would suggest one very short and straightforward text back that says something along the lines of “Please don’t contact me again.” Don’t apologize. Don’t justify. If you want to, you can acknowledge his feelings by saying something like “I understand that you’re struggling with this but…” Usually, I would recommend ignoring the whole sting of texts but on the small chance that his pushiness becomes harassment, at least you’ll have proof that you asked him to stop. Most likely, he’s just one of those people who has a hard time taking a hint and sometimes you just have to spell it out for those people.
I was in a relationship for 4 1/2 year. One year of that my boyfriend was incarcerated in Montana. Every month I would take off and go there. It cost me lots of money. He came back and was on probation. We loved each other very much and got along good. And then I don't know what happened. I told him to leave because he kept telling me he was going to leave me. Now I'm very sad and he did move on with someone else then came back to me. Now he's in a relationship with somebody 18 years younger and two small children. I have not been able to move on. We still talk every once a while but now his new girlfriend has put a restraining order on me but he didn't. I'm very sad. I cry almost every day but I have a good job and I work six days a week. People tell me to move on but I can't. I love and miss him. I feel he is my soul mate. What do you suggest?
Your well-intentioned friends probably have the right idea, even if it doesn’t feel terribly helpful right now. It sounds like your ex has moved on and that you’re going to have to do so as well. But that doesn’t make it easy and it doesn’t make it hurt less. It’s ok to feel sad and to miss your relationship.
But here’s the catch…if you’re sad to the point where it’s affecting you on a daily basis then it might be time to seek some counseling. I have always had a hard time letting go, especially of relationships and people I love. I know how it feels to have to work through those emotions and figure out who you are without the relationship as context. So my heart goes out to you. What I’ve found to be true for myself, and it might be true for you also, is that you need to refocus your energy on yourself. It’s easy to idealize your relationship with your ex, but if you examine it closely in relationship to your own needs, you might be able to see the things that were missing more clearly. A good counselor can help you do this and support you through the process. At the end, you’ll come out feeling better about yourself and ready for whatever comes next.
Wishing you love.
I have been dating a guy from Pakistan for about 4months. We are both head over heels crazy for each other. He always avoided having me around his family, though. I had asked about it before, but last night I finally confronted him and asked if he's ashamed of me or if it's a cultural thing. He admitted he is MARRIED! He says it was an arranged marriage, has only been about a year, and that he wants a divorce. The thing is, I am also married but separated and was open with him from the beginning. I'm hurt because he lied. I told him that I can't talk to him until/if he gets the divorce. He said that he really does want one, that he hates his culture, and that he will talk to me soon. He says he has never connected with anyone like he does with me and that he will never forgive himself for lying. I know I'm doing the right thing, but I was wondering if you have any advice on where to go from here? My gut says that he won't get a divorce but I'm worried that I will be waiting anyway. I didn't want to jump in to anything serious, but I think I did already and now I'm hurting.
The cultural aspects of this situation make it especially complicated. Despite his feelings about his culture, the fact that he went through with the arranged marriage tells me that it is important to him on some level, even if he disagrees. But culture isn’t the only issue here. The fact that you admitted you are separated and he didn’t tell you from the start that he was married is more an honesty issue than anything else. Whether he gets a divorce or not, I think you’ve done the right thing for yourself by drawing a line in the sand.
But that doesn’t make it hurt any less, I know. As good as our intentions may be to keep things casual, hearts don’t always play the game by the rules. You’re falling in love or you’ve fallen in love and that complicates the situation. So, without knowing anything about him or his background other than what you’ve shared, I would suggest giving yourself (and him) a little time before moving on or moving away. Maybe this is just another typical case of infidelity and he’s not going to divorce his wife. Of maybe, its possible that what he’s told you is true…he married her, going along with things that were arranged by others, but after meeting you realized that things could be different. He could choose love.
I’m a romantic and I believe in personal freedom so I hope, for his sake, that he chooses what will make him feel happy and content in his life. But I’ll try to ground this with a little realism. Don’t wait forever. It’s ok to feel hurt by his lying to you because that was not acceptable. And you’ve had to do something very hard by breaking things off until he makes a decision, so let yourself hurt so you can heal. But maybe wait a bit and see what happens. Culture is a very strong influencing factor and it may be that he sticks with his marriage because he isn’t really prepared to turn away from tradition. But he may also choose a different path.
In the meantime, it sounds like you’ve got your own relationship to make decisions about so I suggest using this time to think about what you really want to do…how you want to move forward. If you give yourself the time and space to think honestly about your own life and how you want it to play out, you’ll be able to make decisions about what comes next with more information and with more confidence.
Spend some time on doing things that make you feel good and healthy.
My ex boyfriend and I were together for 9 years and we have a son together. We have been broken up for 2 1/2 yrs and he has a new girlfriend that moved in with him about 9 months ago. But recently we been kinda hanging out together Iike for our sons b day we went and had dinner with his mom and for Christmas eve I invited him and his mother and they came over. Christmas day my ex came and picked me and our son up to visit his family.
Anyways. We had a talk and he told me like this... " yes you know I have a girlfriend I do but its nothing. She's just there how can I say this she's just a convenience. I care, I mean I have feelings for her and I have feelings for you but more for you. I have feelings more for you. I still love you. I think about you everyday. You made me what I am today. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have my job. You did a lot for me and she knows that. I let her know that I don't talk bad about you. I have nothing bad to say about you. And I let her know that all the time! I don't want to mislead her or you. Right now I’m going through a lot too with her cause she knows how I feel about you. I don't take her around my family my mom hasn't met her nor my family no its not like that at all I won't take her around my family! " And as he was leaving he told me “don't worry I don't take her around my family!”
I’m confused because I feel like he's avoiding me now. He called me to be ready that he was coming to pick me and my son up for the anniversary of his father's death - they were having a mass for him - and he never showed up he just left me and his son hanging! This upset me. I tried calling him once, no answer. So my question to you is what is he up too? Or was it all just lies? I don't know what to think! Please help me I don't want to get involved with him again if he's not being honest with his feelings.
Let’s put things in perspective. Ok, so your ex has feelings for you. He probably always will regardless of whether you’re together or not. You’re the mother of his child and he should definitely feel love and respect for you based on that fact. And you will always have feelings for him, regardless of whether you get involved with him. So the fact that he’s telling you how important you’ve been in his life is actually a very honest admission, regardless of your relationship with him now. In other words, it doesn’t have to be so black and white. It could be that everything he said was true AND you shouldn’t get back together.
I have two main thoughts. The first has to do with your son. You should be thinking about how getting back together and possibly breaking up again will affect your son. Proceed with caution. There’s nothing at all wrong with reconnecting but make sure that you both are always thinking about your son first because the decisions you make will undoubtedly affect him. And it is important for both you and your son’s father to stick to your word. If he says he’s going to come see you or pick you up, he needs to show up. You need to make sure he understands that this is the expectation and that its unacceptable for him to say he’ll come and then back out. That’s just good parenting.
And then there’s the matter of your ex’s current girlfriend. I expect that he’s feeling conflicted, and that’s ok, that’s human. But, what does it say about his commitment to and respect for relationships in general when he tells you she’s just a “convenience.” My suggestion for you is this. If you even consider getting involved with him, make sure its after he’s made a clean break with his current girlfriend. Don’t be the other woman. It’s not fair to her or to you for him to be stringing either of you along. Understand that you deserve a man who’s going to be 100% present in your relationship and don’t settle for less. All relationships are complicated and take work so make sure you start out on the right foot.
Don't be shy! Say what's on your mind and get a good dose of perspective in return.