Okay. I really like this guy, my ex boyfriend & he likes me too. He doesn't even know why I broke up with him and he has been asking me out and telling me his feelings. He just recently asked me out and I have been avoiding the message but I know I can't avoid him cuz we will see each other all week. The problem is my "friends." I love them but the reason I kept breaking up with him is because of them. They always judge him, and our relationship. They tell me he is bad for me and that I am stupid for dating him. They talk about him all the time and they don't know they are the reason I did this. When we broke up they were so happy and started being really mean to him. They think I'm fine but I’m not. I would go out with him again, right now. But it's the pressure around the school. And coming from your friends it's a lot worse and it hurts. But I love him. And I really want to say yes. I get frustrated easily and I really don't want to cry because of this again in school where everyone can see. It's sucks. Please help.
’d like to think that, as we get older, we learn not to butt into our friends lives but I know its not true. And being in school and in close quarters with people (even friends) who can apply absurd amounts of peer pressure makes standing on your own two feet hard at times. But you can’t let your friends bully you out of having the relationship you want. If they are really your friends, they will respect your decision regardless of how they feel.
Now, having said that, I’m not going to pretend that peer pressure is no big deal. It is and I understand how hard it is to stand up to your friends. But if you don’t learn to do it now, they’re going to keep pushing you in directions you don’t want to go. They may not mean to be cruel, but in telling you how to live your life and refusing to let you make your own decisions in peace, they’re taking away your power. And right now, you’re letting them.
So here’s my advice. If you want to date this guy, do it. If your friends give you a hard time, tell them that you love them for being concerned about you but that they need to back off. They need to treat you with respect and in order to make that happen, you’re going to have to insist that you are treated with respect. Be kind but firm with your friends. Maybe they have a point. Maybe he’s not a great match for you. But guess what? This is your life and as long as you make thoughtful decisions and treat other people with respect, you’ll do just fine.
So a couple of years ago I dated this guy. He was sweet and at first I didn't really know why I was going out with him but then I realized I really like him and he was really shy when I was dating him. After a few months of dating he told me he loved me and I told him I loved him back but I was really confused and scared because no one has ever said that to me before. We broke up like a month later because I think we just grew apart? Or something. Anyway last year we started to talk and it was nice. Recently I realized that I like him and he told me that he never knew why we never talked after because we ended on good terms. The last time I talked to him we were at a party and he was really "happy" and "chill". He told me that he did some drug and that's why. I’ve got high like once or twice and I don't want to be hypocritical because my friends say I should stay clear of him because of the drug thing but I really like him ... What should I do?
Dear On the Fence,
You take a calculated risk being in a relationship with someone who’s using drugs. First, there’s the legal complication. Unless it’s a legal drug, there’s always the chance of getting in trouble, even if the drugs aren’t yours so keep that in mind. But the thing that I would think about more carefully is why he uses drugs in the first place. Is he uncomfortable in social situations and took something to help calm him down? Does he use them all the time? Is he able to deal with and express his emotions without the drugs? Do they alter his behavior and personality? (the answer is probably yes, so the next question has to do with what happens when he’s not under the influence).
I’m going to refrain from judgment about his drug use and simply say that you need to follow your instincts. A lot of people experiment with drugs. But a lot of people also abuse drugs. I don’t know where he stands, and the truth is, the decision is yours. You need to determine whether a relationship with this guy is going to be healthy for you or not. Think about it. Take your time. Don’t let anyone pressure you one way or the other. You’ll be the one who has to live with your choice so make it based on what you need and are willing to live with. (PS this advice applies to all things in life!).
Ok so my boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 months and well we went to the high school football game (I'm in middle school) and the game was about 5 hours away and the school took some students and me and bf were some of the students that got to go. and we were going to sit together at the game but my friend kept telling me that he doesn't love me and stuff so then he asked me aren't we going to sit together? and I told him why don't you sit with her (referring to his ex that's like 4 years older than him) and he said no what's your problem I don't like her. and I said okay! and I was trying to make him jealous and I kept telling my friend like wow look at that guy and stuff like that. and my boyfriend whispered something to his fiends ear and his friend turns around and tells me that he's breaking up with me and I was crushed but I pretended that I didn't care and then yeah like 15 min later I find out that his dating his ex again and just went walking with my friends to buy a water and I was crying and I saw them holding hands and stuff. and yeah when I went to buy the water a really hot boy was there (he's the one that's selling the water) and he kept looking at me and stuff and I kept going to buy stuff and well at the end I ended up with his phone number and before I left the game I got to chill with him for a awhile and he's in my grade and my age and plays sports and is just perfect. and my ex found out and got a little jealous and like my ex kept talking and playing around with me and stuff like he use to do when we were dating and stuff and well yeah he told me he was only dating the other girl to make me jealous but I just didn't care anymore I was in love with the other boy. and the next day me and the other guy were chatting (since my phone broke I have to use my ipod but I’m getting a new one today) and we were flirting and stuff but that's basically all we’ve been doing.. idk if he’s going for me or not? cause like he told me I’m gorgeous and stuff and that he really likes me but the problem is that we live too far like 4 hours away..and he told me that he doesn't know what to do cause his friends told him just to ask for a nude picture and never talk to me again but he doesn't want to do that, and that he really likes me and wants to date me but we live too far and stuff but we've been talking like for 4 days now and we talk like from getting out of school to sleeping at night, and he’s been wanting my phone number so bad but idk why to be honest (I think he wants to talk to me on phone or facetime me) but I cant give it to him until I get my new phone which is today but I just wanted to ask you.. am I making a mistake with this guy..i honestly don't know if we are going to start dating or not.
I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up sounding like your mother here but please believe me when I say that I remember going through all this relationship stuff when I was your age and I know how complicated and overwhelming it can be. Here’s the truth. You’re going to date lots of boys and some are going to be awesome and some not so much. Your friends are going to complicate matters by telling you what they think about the boys. And you’re going to have to decide what you want to do and live with the consequences despite your friend’s best intentions. So, I suggest taking this opportunity to say to yourself “I am completely capable of making my own decisions and even if it isn’t what you think I should do, I am confident in my ability to be in charge of my own life.” Phew.
Ok, so now let’s talk about nude pictures and Facetime. I would tell you this and I would give the same advice to my 40 and 50 year old friends. Don’t send nude photos. And, if you Facetime or Skype or whatever, don’t do anything naked or sexual. The minute you do and you send it out in the world on your phone or computer, you lose control of it and it will come back to haunt you. Believe me, being a teenager is hard enough without providing people with things they can use against you later. (And a note to the boys and men of the world, penis pictures are not sexy. Period.).
Ok, off that soapbox and onto your other issues. You’re in middle school. The boy you want to date lives many hours away. You can have a relationship with him but its mostly going to be long distance so maybe just work on being friends. It’s much easier to be long distance friends and have it turn into something more than to date under these terms and at your age. That’s my humble opinion. And don’t send him nude photos! (Sorry, I couldn’t help but get that in there one more time).
The window of opportunity for having fun with your friends and being young gets shorter every day. There will come a time when you have to work and be an adult and you never get this time back so enjoy it! Try not to get too drawn into boy drama and learn to make your own choices based on what feels right for you. That skill will serve you well your whole life.
I currently need some advice like fast. I'm a sophomore in high school and i am at school in the library, during lunch break, because i guess i don't have any friends anymore. I honestly don't know what to do, no one is talking to me.
It all started because one of my friends (friend 1 ) was talking to me at lunch on tuesday about everything i ever did negative in our friendship like i acidently lost a few of her things, i understand my fault. But then she texts me during 6th period on tuesday about how their all tired of my " shit " so their not talking to me and i mean all of them. What do i do ? Please help.
That's what high school tends to be. Purgatory. You're not out in the "real world" yet but you get all the complications of a complex social scene. I'm sorry your friends are bailing on you and while I promise it won't last forever, I also was a high school girl once and it can be the pits! So you and friend 1 got in fight and now the whole crowd is taking sides? Here's the thing with high school girls. They all (we all...I was there once too) tend to be overly dramatic and very catty in the way we deal with one another. Part of this has to do with the way that girls relate to one another in general. Girls focus on the social pecking order. As females, we are tuned in to relationships and sometimes that's great. But it also means that we experiment. We want to see what kinds of reactions we can get out of others. Add all the pressures of being a teenager to the mix and high school is a perfect place for drama to unfold on a regular basis.
You've seen it before right? If you look around you, there's a constant stream of drama. You may even find yourself right up in the middle of it. I remember taking sides. I remember getting so wrapped up in social situations that feel like the end of the world. I promise they're not, but I know it doesn't feel that way right now.
So here's my advice to you (and this advice will serve you well in your adult life too). You CANNOT control how other people react or feel. Ever. The only thing you CAN control is how you react and feel. So make the decision right now to not be a part of the drama. Take responsibility for your actions but don't let your friends make you miserable. This week's drama will be replaced by next week's drama and if you make it perfectly clear that you are not going to get sucked into these shenanigans, they'll lose interest in the silent treatment and you'll find that things get easier. Take this time to think about you and how you want your life to be. As adults, we sometimes think we are powerless and it starts with situations like this. You are not powerless! You can decide how you are going to spend your time and who you will be spending it with. Hanging out in the library? Fine! Read about something you want to learn about. Think about a place you'd like to travel or something you'd like to do after high school. When they see that you're not bothered by their behavior, you'll see that the power has shifted back to you.
Be patient. Be kind. And above all, be brave.
Don't be shy! Say what's on your mind and get a good dose of perspective in return.