I have been with my husband for 26 years. I have never had a worry in the world of him cheating in all these years. This past year I had a neighbor and found out she gave him oral sex only once. They claim I really don't know. I forgave him. Then here we are 8 months later and I found an SD card by my couch. When I look at it I'm shocked to see that it's my friend and her husband. I confronted him, he lied and said he knew nothing but a picture of his mothers house is on the SD card as well. No one knows these people but me and him. I don't know what to do. I feel he's just going to keep doing this to me and doesn't want to talk about anything.
Here’s the thing. You’re probably not ever going to know for sure what’s been going on. I understand your frustration, though, and I think what you have to consider is what you need in order to live a happy healthy life. Obviously you want a husband who is faithful, but also one who communicates, right? And the truth is that you’re the only one who’s going to make sure you get those things. You need to set boundaries and then be willing to change your life in order to make sure those boundaries are being respected.
Talk to your husband about how his behavior is affecting you, including his unwillingness to talk about it. And then decide what you’re willing to live with. It’s really unfair and unfortunate that you’re in this situation, but you can start working on fixing it by focusing on what you need from your relationship.
My boyfriend and I have been dating almost 8 months. He moved in with me in September. Everything has been wonderful until Friday night. I went to get on his phone because mine was dead and there was a message from some girl. All the messages had been erased except one saying that it doesn't make any sense you saying your happy with her but you wished you would have waited so when I asked about it he told me it was nothing but I feel like it is. Should I feel like I'm breaking on the inside or did my insecurities outweigh my rational side. I love him and don't want to lose him so how would I go about letting this go without causing distance and a potential break up.
Oh, the trouble cell phones cause. I really don’t think this is as bad as it seems. Nothing you saw seems to indicate anything other than a conversation that was going on. You have no context, but you also have no reason to suspect anything. Right? Texts are the most useful and yet destructive invention of the modern world (my opinion). When we text, we assume privacy where it doesn’t exist. Unlike a conversation in person, texts stick around. Had your boyfriend had this conversation, whatever it was, in person with this girl, you’d never have known about it and it never would have caused you a problem.
So, here’s the bottom line. You love your boyfriend. Everything is going great. There it is.
Let’s re-envision this text conversation as follows:
BF: I’m loving living here with her, but it’s hard getting used to living with someone. Maybe I should have waited.
Concerned Girl: It doesn’t make any sense, you saying you’re happy with her but you wished you would have waited.
BF: You’re right. I’m just being silly. Thank you concerned friend for setting my mind at ease.
Could it have gone that way? Imagine if the conversation were like that, your boyfriend just talking to one of his friends about his concerns (after all, moving in together is a big step). That happens all the time actually. We all do that, right? And when we talk to our friends, we don’t always say things the way we’d say them to our partner. I know I wouldn’t want my boyfriend reading my texts without context. When I talk to my friends, I feel free to say what’s on my mind. And I let my friends give me perspective…just like I’m doing for you now.
If your boyfriend tells you its nothing and he’s never given you a reason to doubt him, don’t start now. We spend way too much time making something out of nothing and technology really makes it so much more complicated. Focus on your great relationship with your loving boyfriend and let this one go.
My boyfriend has not been with his wife for 19 years. I found out he wired her 100 dollars in November. Should I say anything to him about this? I also found two pictures of her on his phone. We both had seen a picture of her at a friends home. Her hair was cut very short so the conversation was about her. He said she texted him the photos so he could tell her it was not to short. They do not live in the same state. Should I care?
Dear Dreading (at least a little bit),
It sounds like you already do care a little. The real question is whether you should do anything about it and my general feeling is no. Do you and your boyfriend have a good relationship? If so, I’d say to be aware of your feelings, acknowledge them and then let it go. Do you share finances? (shared bank account for instance). If you do, then it would be ok to ask him about the wired money simply because then it also effects you. If not, then forget about it. Here’s the thing…people carry around a lot of baggage and it’s not unusual for ex’s to pop up here and there. It’s not a problem until it’s a problem.
So unless there’s some bigger issue here, I’d just focus on your relationship with your boyfriend. From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like the ex poses much of a threat and unless there’s more to the story, I would just brush it off and move forward.
My girlfriend of a year and I are at odds because her daughters father came for xmas and I told my girl that it seems that she is acting different around me. So I asked her if she still has any feelings for him. She tells me that I am insecure and that is why she was single for a long time because she didn’t want to deal with those issues. Now I want to say that months ago I questioned her about some texts she got on her phone from 3 other guys. She tells me they are just friends and that she is with me all the time so there is no way anything there. I tell her that I feel that there may be more to it because my ex wife said the same thing and was sleeping with those so called "friends". Am I off on this? We live together and I love her I just want her to be real with me. Even her mom tells her yesterday in joking hey how come you cant sit closer to Rob, me.
Trust is a big issue here. You’re carrying some major baggage from your previous marriage into this relationship and that’s bound to cause some problems. Sometimes things trigger responses from us that are tied to something else. Your girlfriend’s texts are triggering jealousy and insecurity tied to your previous relationship but recognizing those feelings is the first step toward working through them. You’re going to have to learn to trust your current girlfriend. In love, there’s always the possibility of getting hurt but you can’t have a lasting relationship without trust and communication so try to recognize your feelings as what they are…leftovers from things that happened between you and your ex. Take your girlfriend at her word unless she gives you a reason not to.
Now, let’s talk about Christmas and blended families. Holidays can be a real mess when you’re trying to include everyone. I can tell you from personal experience that having your old life and your new life all in one room can be extremely stressful and can cause you to act all kinds of weird. There’s a lot of juggling being done. Your girlfriend is including her ex presumably to allow her daughter to celebrate with both her parents. That’s very admirable but it comes with its own set of issues and her behavior is one of them. Imagine being in the most awkward possible situation where you want to show affection to your current partner but feel the need to keep things very even keel for the sake of sanity. It’s easy to imagine your girlfriend keeping things cool and professional in order to keep the peace in a somewhat precarious situation. Is it fair? Maybe not. But you have to consider that this is a new experience for you all and that it may take a few tries before you all start to feel calm and normal.
And, of course, since Christmas only comes once a year you don’t get a lot of chances for practice.
My suggestion for you is to try and stay calm. You and your girlfriend should be able to debrief about the holidays. She can tell you how the situation made her feel. And you should be able to do the same. Remember, you’re on the same team even when things are tense. Keep the conversation about how things made you feel. And remember that feelings are not fact. Give them the proper perspective. No personal attacks.
Your feelings are real and they are understandable. This is a tricky situation and if you stay together, its one you’re going to have to deal with again next year so make sure you’re communicating with one another. And I’m going to ask you right now to just come to terms with the fact that your girlfriend is always going to have weird feelings about her ex. She doesn’t ever have to want to be with him again…but he’s still the father of her child. That gives him a strange and permanent place in her life. Get over it (and I mean that with all kindness). Once you accept that he’s going to be in and out of your lives, you take away the power he has to affect your feelings.
Don’t let the stress of the holidays come between you and the girl you love.
Is there any hope for an insanely jealous wife? She thinks I sneak women in the house while she’s sleeping. I don’t work. Hardly ever leave the house. Still she is totally convinced I am having affairs. Making my life a living hell.
There’s always hope but I do think you guys need some help. I’m not sure what’s going on here. Have there been trust issues or infidelities in the past? Has your wife been especially stressed out? I would suggest seeking some marriage counseling. It sounds like there’s a lot going on here and I think having someone who can help you work on all your issues in a safe and supportive environment is a really good idea. Look for marriage counselors in your area. And good luck!
Me and my boyfriend are having problems with Facebook. He's from Dallas. He has a lot of old friends. I don't have a problem with that but now he has females sending friend requests. Still not a problem. But there was one today and I asked him today who was the new friend. First, he was all surprised like he didn't know. Well he doesn't know her but she had some of the same friends on her page that are his friends too so he felt like he should accept her. I have a problem with that. Our profile pictures are the same. We are together in our profile pictures, says in a relationship on both pages. Why would you friend someone you don't know that's clearly taken? Why friend someone if you’re not going to talk to them. I would never do that out of respect for their other half. He has one that was his friend. I sent her a friend request she accepted then a couple days later unfriended me. Her reason was she didn't know me well. Why did she accept at all? She would comment on his pictures like I was not even in the picture. I think a man that lives with another women should not have a bunch of single girls as friends. And its all girls on messenger. Am I an idiot?
No, you’re not an idiot. You’re just allowing yourself to be torn apart by the mystery and magic of social media. Facebook is a wonderful tool for “connecting” with other people and for keeping in touch with old friends. The truth is that people often “friend” people they don’t really know. Some people are more reserved. Some people aren’t (and some people friend everyone in sight without really thinking much about it). At the end of the day, your feelings about his Facebook friends are probably rooted in different understandings of “friendship.” Is it reasonable to expect that coupled people not have single friends? Probably a little. He’s not hiding you or your relationship so there shouldn’t really be an issue with him having a whole gaggle of single girl (and guy) friends right?
Don’t worry. I’m not dismissing your feelings. My boyfriend has female friends on Facebook too and they comment on his photos sometimes like he’s alone in the picture and yes, it bothers me sometimes even though I try not to let it. You’re human. It’s ok to be human. But I would like you to consider some things. First, has your boyfriend given you any reason not to trust him? If not, have any past relationships had big trust issues? Experience tells me that there’s something trust-related that’s making you feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t have to be a problem with your current relationship. It could be something else. But whatever it is, I would try to identify it and work on it because we live in a seriously digital age and sites like Facebook aren’t going away. Controlling who he’s friends with or who you’re friends with won’t take way those feelings of jealousy or insecurity.
So, I’m going to tell you something very true and revolutionary and if you can accept it, it might just change your life. Not everyone thinks like you. I struggle with that one. Facebook isn’t a dating site so not everyone who “friends” someone else is looking for love. It’s also true that not all “friends” are FRIENDS. Facebook introduces a complicated and crazy dimension to friendship that we often don’t have to deal with in face to face interactions. But if you can accept that other people’s intentions might be different from what you think…and, you and your boyfriend have a good relationship…then I would try to categorize Facebook as a crazy-making, awesome, fun, insane thing that doesn’t really reflect reality that closely.
My boyfriend is looking up his ex girlfriend on Facebook almost daily, I confronted him and he tells me all he wants is me. I am worried he is still into her if he keeps looking her up. I am divorced and am living with my boyfriend of three years. He treats me good and I am happy I just don't want to fall in a rut like before. Is this something I should be worried about?
Ok, let’s look at the hard truth here. Your boyfriend may very well still have feelings for his ex. BUT, that doesn’t mean that he isn’t committed to you. I’m going to break away from the people out there who assume that when you go into a new relationship, you completely leave behind the old one. No you don’t! If you loved someone, you are probably going to have feelings for them (at some level) for a long time. Maybe forever. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to move on and it doesn’t mean your boyfriend isn’t telling you the truth when he says that all he wants is you. So, if you can accept that what I’m saying is true, you will find it much easier to move forward.
However, I am a little concerned about why you know that he looks her up daily. I’m a firm believer in the idea that cyber snooping is the downfall of many a good relationship. In fact, social media has made privacy a near impossibility. Relationships are built on trust and so my question to you is, how do you know? Has he told you? Have you been watching him? Do you share an account? If you are keeping an eye on his online activities, I would ask you consider why that is. Has he given you any reason not to trust him? Or is it possible that your previous relationship has made you overly sensitive to issues of trust? Or maybe both?
So I would consider these things and try to figure out if the issue is with your boyfriend or with you. Or both. It’s at least a little of both because its clearly becoming an issue between the two of you. And then I would address it head-on. Talk with your boyfriend (don’t confront) about how it makes you feel. Instead of accusing, try to help him understand why it’s a problem for you. At this point, he hasn’t done anything wrong. Looking at a person’s profile on Facebook is not necessarily a sign of anything other than nosiness. So try not to make it a battle between you. Talk. Find a place of understanding. And move forward with this person who treats you well and makes you happy.
I just need to know if I am crazy but when a man takes his phone to the bathroom an takes it with him when he showers keeps it locked up an freaks out if you need to use it. His computer the same way I have to go to my sons to use his computer when mine was down and there is a computer setting in my bedroom that can't be normal he's says I'm over reacting that I'm crazy are jealous that he's completely innocent. HELP!
No, you’re not crazy. There’s the simple answer.
So, in this age of laptops, smart phones and other digital devices, we certainly have issues with privacy. I do believe that people shouldn’t have full access to everyone else’s stuff because if you start looking for something, you’re bound to find it. Or worse. So, there’s this part of me that wonders if he’s cutting off your access because you’ve snooped in the past? Have you? Believe me, I know a whole lot of snoopers and have been one myself which, I can tell you, is always a symptom of something wrong with your relationship (something that needs work or something that is just broken, it depends).
If you have not snooped in the past, then his behavior is incredibly suspect. It could be that he had a snooping ex and he’s still gun shy. It could be that he’s just an extremely private person and he’s a little obsessive about protecting his privacy. OR it could be that he’s hiding something from you. Ok, so here’s the rub. Even if you HAVE snooped in the past, his behavior is indicative of something that needs to be fixed. If he doesn’t trust you enough to let you onto the computer in the bedroom that you share then there is a problem. I’m sorry to say it but if there is nothing to find on that computer, there’s no reason not to let you use it.
When it comes to the phone, I’m a little more forgiving. I have conversations with my friends all the time that include venting and sometimes I say things that I think better of once I’ve had a chance to calm down. Would I want just anyone reading through those things, no. I want my private thoughts to be my own and when I talk to my friends, I want those words to stay just between us. Texting has created a whole chain of evidence on conversations that would otherwise have not been recorded. It’s an unfortunate side effect of living in the digital age. Our words stay around much longer than we mean them to and it makes casual conversations take on a whole different relevance in our lives.
Note on the subject of texting: once you send it, you’ve lost control of it. Will it be spread around, forwarded, used against you in the next argument? Who knows. Think before you text.
Ok, back to your boyfriend. Clearly a talk is in order here. Not knowing the details of your relationship with him, it’s hard to know whether his behavior has some grounding in past events. Nonetheless, whether it’s a trust / privacy issue or he’s actually hiding something from you, its important that you talk about the issue now. If you’re sharing a house and a life, you should be able to share a computer. If the computer contains all sorts of important work documents and that’s why he’s nervous about letting you use it, fine. Have the talk. If the computer is full of pornography that he’s afraid you’ll see, that’s a whole different issue and one that needs to be addressed. If he’s regularly chatting up the girl next door and is afraid you’ll find out, then yes, you’ve got a problem.
See what I mean? Either way, the situation calls for a good discussion. You’re reacting to his obvious desire to keep you out of his personal space and considering that you seem to be living together, that’s an issue worth talking about.
How can I overcome jealousy? Whenever I make a friend and they mention being with their other friends I always feel like I'm a substitute for when their other friends aren't around.
Here’s the thing. The jealousy is a symptom of something else. The reason you’re feeling jealous has more to do with your own feelings of self-worth than it does about your friends. Jealousy springs from insecurity. We worry that we somehow won’t measure up; we can’t compete. The problem lies in feeling like you have to compete at all. If you’re not feeling worthy of friendship than you will suspect your friends motives. And unfortunately, overcoming jealousy in this case means taking some time to work on you.
The truth is that when we make new friends, sometimes they are a substitute for our other friends. When I have a new friend that I am not familiar with and I’m building a relationship with them, it takes work and so my other friends are sort of the safety net. Does that mean that I don’t enjoy spending time with new friends? Of course not. It simply means that the friendships are different. The relationships are at different stages. And as a result, it’s going to BE different; to FEEL different. What you need to do is accept that the person who is with you wants to be with you and that’s hard to do if you’re not feeling worthy.
So here’s my advice. When you’re with your friends, old or new, be in the moment. Try not to worry about how it all fits in the cosmic world of friendship. Just enjoy being there. Be present. The rest of the time, work on yourself. We all can benefit from some time for introspection and for work on strengthening our self-esteem. Consider finding a counselor or someone that you can talk to openly about how you’re feeling. Think about the things that make you a unique and special person and realize that you are worthy of friendship and love. And most of all, understand that your feelings are just that, feelings. They are not fact. Relegate them to their proper place. Give yourself permission to feel, but also remind yourself that feelings are not fact and try to take each situation, each interaction with your friends, as it comes.
Don't be shy! Say what's on your mind and get a good dose of perspective in return.