I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 3 and a half years now. For about a year now, we’ll only have sex maybe once a month. What am I doing wrong? Do I need to spice things up somehow? Is she not attracted to me anymore? Does she still even love me? How can I tell and how can I bring passion back into our relationship?
The fizzle of your sex life could be related to any number of factors. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong and it doesn’t mean she’s not attracted to you anymore. But what it does mean is that you guys should talk about it. If you’re wanting more sex, talk to her. Ask her how’s she’s feeling about your sex life. Be honest. Tell her you’re worried about it and that you want to find ways to be more intimate. This is about the two of you together, so let her know how you’re feeling and ask her for her help in sorting it out.
And here’s a tip. Sometimes reigniting the passion in your life might have to do with the least likely things so be open to what she has to say. Sometimes we get into ruts. We feel unappreciated in our relationships or in our homes. Sometimes just offering to cook dinner or do the dishes is an awfully romantic gesture. This is why talking is so important. Don’t just talk about sex, talk about life. Find out how she’s feeling about home life and work. Find out what stresses her out, what she’s worried about. And tell her about you too. Reconnecting outside the bedroom is sometimes very helpful is sparking things up under the covers.
Instead of worrying that she might not love you, take this opportunity to reach out to her. In long-term relationships, passion often comes and goes in waves, partly because we get comfortable and settle into a routine. When we start losing intimacy, sometimes we get really focused on sex. But I would encourage you to focus on intimacy, even when it doesn’t involve sex.
I have been in a relationship for 17 months and living together 6 months. These past 6-8 weeks have been very difficult. I finally had it. I took the last blow. Intimacy has deteriorated. When it seems as if I initiate sex 2-3 times a week, he refuses or has a headache. The last 2 times he actually threw me off him and when he initiated it at 1:30 AM, I allowed him because it is what bonds us and I enjoy him. His behavior has been distant, I did not understand so I asked. He told me to respect his wishes & he'll respect mine. When I continued to let him know he hurt me he told me to shut the fuck up each time. Excuse my language, for the situation I got so furious I asked him to get out, I threw his clothes on the floor the second time it occurred. This last incident I actually asked him to go to hotel which I drove him to. I felt so rejected, hurt, numb. He pleaded not to take him he can sleep on the sofa. I thought this was best so we don't escalate. Was I in the wrong for telling him it was the last blow and ask him to leave? He came to get his things he expressed it was messed up & low. I felt disrespected in so many ways. I’ve never had a man in my life reject me while initiating sex. I guess I felt entitled for being there for him in the last year. I moved him in because he had a 2nd DUI was in jail for 3 month. Then his uncle threatened to throw him out. I felt I needed to be there for him. He has been sober 10 months and saw progress in his day to day going to work etc.. He even cooked for me. Now he said it’s my fault. I made the decision to kick him out and he will not come back. He said he has no security since if I kick him out again. I understand it is probably better he gets on his own two feet, better for me as well the verbal abuse/physical I know I deserve better. It is like death of a break up. Was I in the wrong?
It sounds like your relationship was pretty unhealthy and so it’s probably a good thing to take a step back, even if it hurts. Breaking up is like a kind of death and sometimes you need to allow yourself to grieve.
I want to address a few things you said, though. First, no one is ever entitled to sex. I’m taking a hard line on this one because sex should be a completely a consensual act and if one person feels they are “owed” sex, it’s likely that there’s going to be a lot of disappointment, resentment and a shift in power that takes sex to an unhealthy place. It sounds like you guys ended up in that place. You felt rejected and angry. He felt that his wishes weren’t being respected. The feelings you were both having were very real and so its not surprising that you hit a wall.
And then there’s the matter of verbal and physical abuse. Respect is a two way street and from what you’ve said, neither one of you was showing much respect to the other. Verbal and physical abuse are not okay under any circumstances, so maybe this breakup is really the best thing for both of you. You DO deserve better and he needs to get his life together so that he’ll be healthy and confident in his relationships. While you may have felt like you had to take him in to support him at one point, that burden may have left you feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Maybe once he gets himself worked out, you two can try again. Or maybe it’s a good idea to find a guy who you’re on more even footing with.
Wishing you luck.
Was wondering if you had advice on how to please a man sexually, as in getting him off. I have a hard time with oral.
There are lots of ways to please a man sexually that don’t involve oral. I’m going to suggest searching for “sex tips” on Google and experimenting. I’m not going to give specific advice because when it comes to sex, everyone is different. Talk to you partner and try things that you’re both comfortable with. Don’t get discouraged. But don’t feel like you have to do something you don’t like to do either…there are plenty of other options.
I'm in my early 20s and when I first got to college, as someone who didn't have many dates before that, indulged in many one-night stands and also, on several occasions, paid for sex. I bitterly regret doing the latter, because I know it's a mixed thing morality wise, many of the women are forced into it and it's also illegal. I wasn't aware of these things until I'd stopped. I couldn't believe I did something that in many ways is a horrible thing for women. I did treat the women with respect and it was consensual. I'm worried because I know that many women don't like the idea of a man hiring an escort because it can be degrading or whatever, but these things never crossed my mind. I keep telling myself I'm human, and being human, you make mistakes but I can't shake these bad decisions. My promiscuity is in the past and I really want to have relationships in the future, but did I already blow my shot? Do I even have to share this? I wouldn't judge a woman over her sexual past but I don't know if any future partners would feel the same.
You are neither the first nor the last college kid who went a little overboard with the newfound freedom of adulthood. The fact that you now recognize the downside to your past behavior is actually pretty darned self-aware…a lot of people never reach that kind of awareness. There are only two ways that your behavior could impact your future relationships: 1) if you were unsafe and ended up with a sexually transmitted infection as a result, and 2) if you can’t find a way to forgive yourself for your actions.
Starting wit the first issue: one of the risks of sexual promiscuity is the spread of sexual transmitted infections (STI). If you pick something up along the way, there could be health related issues for you and, of course, it could affect future sexual relationships. Does that mean you can’t have a relationship? Of course not! But I would suggest an STI screening with your local doctor or public health clinic so that you will know for sure whether there is anything to worry about. This is one way to take responsibility for your past behavior.
Second, let’s talk about your emotional well-being. You’re carrying around a lot of guilt and while it’s good that you’re thinking carefully about the implications of your actions, you’re going to have to find a way to forgive yourself. I knew a lot of people in college who were heavy into drugs and alcohol. There was a lot of rampant and unsafe sex going on. You’re not alone and you’re not a bad person for having had a lot of casual sex. But you may not have realized at the time how this behavior was going to affect you emotionally in the long-term. That’s the problem with sex. It feels great but it carries a lot of emotional weight for both men and women. And now that you understand that, you can make more informed decisions for yourself moving forward.
You are not obligated to share the details of your sexual experiences with anyone. It’s yours. It’s private. But please make sure you’d not hiding it. Know what I mean? If you’re keeping it a secret because you’re ashamed of it, then maybe it’s time to talk with a counselor about it.
Moving forward…Make sure that you know you have a clean bill of health so that you don’t put your partners at risk. And then move on with your life. Be respectful. Have fulfilling relationships. Have amazing, consensual sex. You’re human. Learn from your mistakes and embrace your life.
I have been married for 15 years and am no longer happy because there is no sex in my marriage. My husband takes mountains of prescription drugs and cannot sustain an erection even with Cialis. I want to have sex but know an outside relationship would end my marriage. I am 69 years old. How can I get my needs met?
I’d suggest two things. I am assuming that you’d like to stay married, you’re just frustrated at the lack of sex. If you are otherwise happy in your marriage, I’d suggest having a talk with your husband’s doctor about your continued problems. There may be options other than Cialis that will help get things functioning properly again. That’s my first suggestion.
Second suggestion. Get a vibrator. Honestly, at the end of the day, finding ways to meet your sexual needs on your own might take the edge off while you’re pursuing other options for having sex with your husband. It’s a lot less complicated than having extramarital affairs and you might find that it does the trick. Then you can focus on having a happy marriage regardless of whether sex plays a large part.
I'm a 43yr old man been married for 17 yrs. I love my wife! Have no sex drive! Every thing works fine just no drive????
I am not a medical expert but I would suggest that you go see your doctor. There are a lot of physical and psychological things that can affect sex drive so I’d start with the physical and then work your way through the possibilities.
I am a 45 year old woman who identifies as bisexual. I recently began online dating and I have connected with a woman that I'm very interested in, and I know the feeling is mutual. She initiated contact (this is an important point because I never would have considered contacting her), and we have been exchanging lengthy, heartfelt, and emotionally intimate messages for about a month. We are looking forward to meeting in person, but I have been holding off. She is incredibly intelligent, extremely mature, spiritual, compassionate, gorgeous, interesting, etc. She seems to embody every quality I am looking for in a partner and we have a tremendous amount in common. We both study psychology, and she has no concerns about pursuing this, but I do, because I am afraid people are going to judge me. The issue is that she is twenty one years old. If her age wasn't stated on her profile, I would have assumed from the depth and quality of our communication that she was near my own age. I believe age is just a number and as long as someone is an adult, it is appropriate to pursue a relationship if there is mutual interest and compatibility. She is more mature and insightful than the vast majority of the population, but I don't want to do her any disservice by pursuing this. Although I normally prefer not to let my behavior be determined by the opinions of others, I am very concerned about what people (especially our families) will think. Although I think there is potential for us to have a very satisfying and mutually beneficial relationship that will help both of us to continue to evolve, I am uncertain about how to handle the issues that may arise. I never would have conceived that it was possible for me to fall for someone so young, but I believe she is a very old soul and this is a unique situation. I am extremely close to my parents, but I just recently revealed that I am bisexual, and I am afraid that the idea of me dating a much younger woman would be too much for them to handle. I hope you have some insight and advice for me regarding how to proceed. I plan to take things very slowly, but I just want to make sure that I am taking everything into consideration. I just began reading your advice today, and you seem to be open-minded, compassionate, and wise, so I would really appreciate your input. Thank you so much!
Well, the reality of the situation is that people are going to judge you. That’s true no matter what you do really. Someone is always going to have an opinion and its hard not to let it affect us. Ok. So there’s that. I say get the hard truths on the table and then we can talk through the rest of it.
Being bisexual can be very difficult. It seems that bisexuals get judged from a million different directions and it’s really unfair. The bottom line is that who you choose to have an intimate relationship with is completely up to you and people should either support your choice or have the good sense to butt out. But how other people feel about your relationship is neither here nor there. You just need to feel confident in the choices you make. Despite anyone else’s opinions, it’s your happiness on the line here.
The age difference is just another element that people will either have an opinion on or not and this particular topic is close to my heart. There is a significant age difference between my significant other and I, and I completely understand your concerns. We’ve had to put up with other people’s opinions (he’s older so I am viewed as a child or a gold digger or his mid-life crisis…obviously unworthy in some way). And people think it’s strange that I am with someone who is so much older. But the truth is, we connect. We have a mature, loving relationship and it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. And the same applies to you. Will people form opinions? Yes. Will they state those opinions? Unfortunately, sometimes they will. But at the end of the day, my relationship is amazing and happy and stable and I wouldn’t trade it for something less gossip worthy. And I wish the same for you.
When you find someone with whom you share such a strong connection, it’s a gift. Don’t let other’s peoples insecurities and inability to mind their own business get in the way of what might just be the love of your life. You deserve happiness. And with your family, I suggest being honest and empathetic. If they support you now, they’ll get over any reservations they have over the age difference.
Wishing you luck and love.
As a transgendered woman, I wonder how long it really takes to feel all woman...my transition has been living as a woman for 6 1/2 years?
I’m not a medical professional and so I really can’t speak to the medical/biological aspect of your question. But if you and I were sitting chatting and you asked me this question, I would probably suggest that you reach out to a support group and/or resource center in your area. I imagine that feeling all woman has a lot to do not only with your physical transition and your mental state. How are you feeling? If you find yourself struggling, this might be a good time to find a counselor who can support you through rough times and can help you identify and recognize your “normal.” The bottom line is that you need to accept that normal for you may be different from what other people feel so at the end of the day all you need to do is feel comfortable and happy in your own skin.
There are some good resources at the National Center for Transgender Equality.
First of all let me say sorry for my bad spelling...We are married for 13 years but have been together for 19. We still love the other but our sex life is as much fun as pulling teeth. I am the husband. I’m straight but I love anal sex. My wife walked in on me once and was not happy. She says she is not into what I’m into. I still play solo. How can I get her to join in with me. We both are in our early 40s.
Part of being in a healthy relationship (married or not) and being a respectful sexual partner is learning to take no for an answer. So, the answer to your question is simple. You can ask your wife to join you. If she says no, that’s it. You may feel disappointed but maybe there are other things she is willing to try with you to spice things up. Either way, if she’s not into the things you’re into, you need to let it go. There’s nothing wrong with going solo as long as it’s not causing problems in your relationship. If you continue having problems, I’d suggest finding a counselor to talk to…someone who can help you guys find some common ground when it comes to sex.
And one little hint…for women, intimacy is often associated in our minds with non-sexual things. Do you spend quality alone time together? Do you help her around the house? Do you guys have date nights? It may sound crazy, but you might find that looking for non-sexual ways to connect with your wife may actually improve your sex life too.
Well here it goes. I live next to this married lady and she is very sexy and she wants me to sleep with her and I really would like to but don’t know if I should. And here’s another one. I have an aunt that I want to sleep with. Should I? And I have a cousin that is very hot and I want to make love to her. I have for a long time.
Whoa there. Ok, putting the woman next door aside for a moment, let me say that sleeping with either your aunt or your cousin would be wildly inappropriate, could be emotionally traumatic to you or them, AND would most likely cause problems for your whole family. Don’t do it.
Ok, now let’s go back for a moment. I’m going to give you a few things to think about. I don’t know how old you are. If you’re a teenager, I could almost understand (hormones and all) wanting to sleep with everyone in sight. The answer, of course, is still no, wildly inappropriate. But hormones make us feel kind of crazy that way and learning about appropriateness is part of life.
So, let’s say, hypothetically that you’re 40 or 20 or 50 or 85. As a healthy, sexually active adult, you “should” want relationships with people who are sort of similar to you age-wise, relationship-wise, etc. If you’d just been asking about the married woman, I’d ask you some questions. For instance, have you considered how your sexual relationship with the neighbor might affect her marriage, her family, her emotional well-being? I’m all for healthy, responsible sex but having sex with someone who’s married is already complicated and stressful and emotionally irresponsible so, it’s not advisable.
That coupled with the fact that you want to have sex with two of your relatives has me concerned. That you’re asking me this question tells me that you might need to work on your own understanding of what is appropriate and possibly establishing boundaries for yourself. Talking with someone about healthy relationships and strategies for seeking those types of relationships could be really helpful.
Don't be shy! Say what's on your mind and get a good dose of perspective in return.