I recently opened up a college saving's account for our 2 year old son and emailed all three sets (yes, divorce) of grandparents his college savings account info and let them know that if they ever wanted to give to his 529 account in lieu of a birthday or Christmas gift to feel free. They could even claim it on their taxes!
I put no pressure to do so, just let them know. My in-laws pulled my husband aside and let him know how rude they thought my email was.
I didn't think it was rude. My mom has since given 529 money instead of gifts and thinks it's a great idea.
Do you think it was rude?
Dear Fantastic Mother!
NO, I unequivocally DO NOT think it was rude :)
I’m sorry that happened to you. In this day and age, saving for college is the mark of responsible parenting and it’s a shame that your in-laws took offense. That being said, I’d suggest two things. 1) Either you or your husband let them know that you did not intend to offend them, but that your child’s education is important to you and you wanted to give them another option for meaningful giving. And 2) own your decision and your communication. You can’t always keep people from taking offense at the things you do and say, but in this case, I don’t believe you’ve done anything wrong. Bravo to you and your husband for being proactive about your children’s education. Give your in-laws lots of love and it’ll blow over before you know.
I cosigned for my grandson to get a motorcycle. He would not leave me alone until I signed. I finally broke and signed the paper. He paid for it until recently but then he stopped because I wouldn't give him a free place to live and he's mad at me. He took the motorcycle to Arizona and left it. He will not go get it or pay for it. The finance company wants me to pay for it. My name is not on the title. Am I going to have to pay for this while he gets to keep the motorcycle?
Your grandson seems to be suffering from a serious feeling of entitlement. It’s unfortunate that you co-signed because it does make you liable for the payments.
I’m really sorry this is happening to you. Co-signing a loan for a family member is always a calculated risk and I’m sorry that your grandson isn’t living up to his end of the bargain. It’s shameful.
My 35 year old married step-daughter is constantly calling her father and asking for money. She isn't working, has no car, abandoned her children and is living with some guy and his parents. Her father (my hubby) can't seem to refuse her and is always running to Western Union to send money. I'm fed up. How can I get him to stop sending our hard-earned money to her when she isn't even trying to help herself?
Dear Fed Up,
You probably can’t get him to stop. What you can work on though is establishing boundaries. His behavior isn’t terribly unusual. He enables her and she takes full advantage. The problem is that she won’t learn to be responsible and self-sufficient if you aren’t able to establish some boundaries. Parents sometimes find it impossible to stop giving help. They fear the worst…she will die without my help or how can I abandon my own child like this? But the truth is that all his financial support is doing is allowing her to continue making poor decisions. Children of any age learn to feel capable based on how their parents treat them. If your husband can show her that he feels she is capable of taking care of herself, maybe she will be.
What I would suggest for you is to read a book on co-dependency. It’ll help you understand how your husband is feeling and may give you ideas about how you can help him see that his “help” isn’t really that helpful. If your husband is willing, I would also suggest seeing a counselor to work on this issue. Whatever is causing him to have this co-dependent relationship with his daughter needs addressing so they can both be more healthy and have a healthier relationship.
I seem to attract men with money, but feel lonely a lot of the time because of their inability to commit. Then recently I was approached by a friend of couple of years who confessed that he loved me and wanted to marry me. I have always felt the same about him, however I seem like I'm trying to find flaws. He is not wealthy, but he really seems to care about me. What am I so afraid of?
You may also be having some problems with commitment. If we were sitting across the table, I’d ask you about your relationship with money. Is there something in your past that makes you feel financially insecure? If you’ve felt financial insecurity, even as a child, it’s possible that you’ve placed a pretty high value on financial stability in your life and its not surprising that that includes romantic involvement. It may not even be something you consciously consider. So I’d suggest taking an honest look at what you want in a relationship. You may find that the person who loves you meets all your criteria and can start focusing on his good points rather than worrying about flaws.
The truth is that if you go looking for flaws, you’re going to find them. We all have them. You’ll never find someone who is perfect no matter what your definition, but you may find someone perfect for you if you can gain a better understanding of what drives you and what your needs truly are. And then be honest and open with your partner about the things that concern you. He’ll either love you for who you are, flaws and all, or you’ll find someone else who does.
I met a man who asked me to help him correct his credit problem. He got a hold of all my personal information and spent 50,000 in my name. On paper it looks like I gave him permission but he did it behind my back. He said if I turn him in he will never pay the debt. I am trapped and I don't know what to do. He pretends he is my boyfriend but I never see him. I’m so scared all the time. And I don’t know what to do. The only thing I have is proof that he tried to get credit cards sent to his home in my name. And he stole another one of my credit cards and spent 10,000. All of this stuff he bought and it has to be paid for. And my name is linked to it.
He’s never going to pay you back so now would be a good time to turn him in. If he’s intimidating or threatening you then he has no intention of paying you back and the longer you wait, the deeper in you’ll be. Contact the police today (they have a lot of training these days with identify theft) and get the ball rolling. Gather as much paperwork as you can. I’m sorry this happened to you but please act quickly so it doesn’t get any worse.
I have been seeing a man for 5 months. I like him a lot he said he likes me to. I want to go out on dates but he said he can't afford it right now. I have been trying to help him out financially. I have not met his kids. We don't go out. I visit him at his apartment. We have had sex several times. I want a real relationship. I'm not sure whether he really likes me or is just using me. Should I move on?
Hmm. So I think it would be a great idea to think carefully about your own expectations. If you’re dating a man who is, for whatever reason, not financially able to be in this relationship the way you need or want him to, then yes, it’s probably time to move on. It doesn’t really have to have anything to do with his feelings about you at all. If he’s not the right man for you, its ok to find a person who can better meets your needs (and wants…those are important too).
I tackled that first because I want to deal with the financial support separately. If you are both adults, capable of supporting yourselves, then there should be no reason to be helping him out financially. Now, I understand there are extenuating circumstances for us all. And if you were feeling that this relationship was headed somewhere good, I might not be so hesitant about the money. But I do think that there’s something going on here that needs to be fixed.
It may simply be a matter of establishing boundaries. For instance, instead of helping him out financially, maybe you just pay for dates. If you want to be with this guy, it wouldn’t be horrible for you to be the one paying for romantic outings. However, if you’re paying his bills and there’s not a really amazing reason to be doing so….and if you feel like your needs aren’t being met…well then there’s a problem. It may not be that he’s using you as much as he’s taking advantage of a cozy situation (yes, I realize I’m splitting hairs here but I want to give this guy the benefit of the doubt since I really don’t know his situation).
So, here’s the bottom line. You deserve a happy, healthy relationship where you and your partner contribute in ways that make you both feel fulfilled and appreciated. If anything less than that is happening, then you need to address it. Have a talk. Establish boundaries. Quit helping him financially if he should be able to help himself. And be willing to move on if he’s not willing to meet you halfway.
Don't be shy! Say what's on your mind and get a good dose of perspective in return.