I met this woman back in the mid 90's, I was teaching country dance classes. I had two different dance classes in two different places and she would come to both. We started talking after class a few times and then started going back to my place. After a few times of coming to my home, we started having sex. At the time she was married and we were caught by her husband. He had her followed.
A few days after we were caught she called and said she wanted to work things out with her husband. Don't know how long time went on but I ended up meeting someone else and started dating this person. A few months in this relationship the married one showed up at my house saying she getting a divorce and she wanted to start back where we left off. I told her that I was dating someone else. About six months after that I was seeing her on the side for about a year. Broke up with the girlfriend not cause of her but other reason. For about 2 or three years we kept hooking up every once in a while. I did care for this her though the whole time. She ended up sleeping with one of my friends and it became an issue to me.
In 98 I met someone else. We fell in love with each other or so I thought, but she was only using me for about 2 years. She ended up cheating on me. It did something to me from 2002 to 2009 I didn't date or have anything to do with women. I just wanted to be alone so I couldn't get hurt anymore. After 2009 I dated a couple of women but nothing serous.
A year ago I saw the person that was in my dancing class. I knew right there and then I still had very strong feelings for her. She was always on my mind. So one night I was out to a bar and she was there. We started talking, a few weeks later we started dating. So we’ve been seeing each other for about 2 1/2 months. I told her a month ago that I was in love with her and she said she was in love with me too. We’ve only spent a few nights apart since then.
She goes to her house when she gets off work every day. She will text and say she’s home and she be here in a few, sometimes her few is three and four hours. She shows up at my house sometimes a little buzzed and sometimes she is drunk. She’s always wanting to bring up the past that she loved me and that I chased other women when I could have had her. She will even bring her bottle with her and a few drinks here also. I’ve been noticing something isn't right on some things. Like she will go to the bathroom several time before we go to bed and she in there for along time.
I know she is going through some hard times her daughter had her kids taken away from her last month, so she doesn’t get to see her grandkids. But this is what been going on here lately. Her ex will text her and she wont answer him until she goes home the next day. I understand that they need to talk about the grandkids and their daughter. But she is keeping it from me when he texts and I caught her lying about it.
On Valentine's Day I planned a very special evening and she knew it. She worked that day so I told her when she got off work to come here. She texted me and said she’d be here in a few. That was at 3:30, and at seven she showed up drunk. I was upset and after we ate and I gave her Valentine's gift to her we kinda got in an argument about her being drunk. She said she wasn't drinking she was just tired, so the next day I let her know that I knew she was drunk.
I am trying to hit on everything so maybe you can help me understand. So last night was the end of the straw, she text me after work and said she’d be here in a few. Three hours later she shows up. She said she had a load of clothes to do and laid down and fell asleep. But brought them here to put in my dryer. We had dinner and she said she was gong to go to church with her daughter. She had on a sweater and blue jeans, I ask her was she going to church like that she said yes. So at 6:30 she leaves and didn't come back until 10. She was acting funny. She didn't text or call and when she got here didn't even say what she was doing. I didn't ask cause I didn't want start an argument or let her know it bother me. I have talked before all this has been going on that I wont put up with cheating or lying, I told her it’s time for me to settle down and be happy. Am I making a bigger deal over this then I should?
In reading your question, there were a lot of red flags for me. Has your girlfriend had problems with alcohol in the past? Her secretive behavior and showing up visibly drunk but denying it makes me worry about her well-being. She may not be aware that she has a problem, but from what you’ve said, I suspect she does.
You have a long history with your girlfriend and you love her, so its not surprising that you’re feeling conflicted. I don’t think you’re making a bigger deal over this than you should. You should be able to rely on your girlfriend to keep her word and to tell you the truth. My concern is that her problems are more complicated than we know and I really think she’s going to need more help than you can give her.
Have you talked to her about the possibility of counseling? If not, I would suggest thinking about family counseling. Bringing someone into the equation who can stay impartial and can help identify problems may be a good idea at this point. It’ll help you understand how you can both work to make the relationship better and a counselor would be able to make specific recommendations about other local resources, as needed.
Wishing you luck and happiness.
I have been in a relationship for 17 months and living together 6 months. These past 6-8 weeks have been very difficult. I finally had it. I took the last blow. Intimacy has deteriorated. When it seems as if I initiate sex 2-3 times a week, he refuses or has a headache. The last 2 times he actually threw me off him and when he initiated it at 1:30 AM, I allowed him because it is what bonds us and I enjoy him. His behavior has been distant, I did not understand so I asked. He told me to respect his wishes & he'll respect mine. When I continued to let him know he hurt me he told me to shut the fuck up each time. Excuse my language, for the situation I got so furious I asked him to get out, I threw his clothes on the floor the second time it occurred. This last incident I actually asked him to go to hotel which I drove him to. I felt so rejected, hurt, numb. He pleaded not to take him he can sleep on the sofa. I thought this was best so we don't escalate. Was I in the wrong for telling him it was the last blow and ask him to leave? He came to get his things he expressed it was messed up & low. I felt disrespected in so many ways. I’ve never had a man in my life reject me while initiating sex. I guess I felt entitled for being there for him in the last year. I moved him in because he had a 2nd DUI was in jail for 3 month. Then his uncle threatened to throw him out. I felt I needed to be there for him. He has been sober 10 months and saw progress in his day to day going to work etc.. He even cooked for me. Now he said it’s my fault. I made the decision to kick him out and he will not come back. He said he has no security since if I kick him out again. I understand it is probably better he gets on his own two feet, better for me as well the verbal abuse/physical I know I deserve better. It is like death of a break up. Was I in the wrong?
It sounds like your relationship was pretty unhealthy and so it’s probably a good thing to take a step back, even if it hurts. Breaking up is like a kind of death and sometimes you need to allow yourself to grieve.
I want to address a few things you said, though. First, no one is ever entitled to sex. I’m taking a hard line on this one because sex should be a completely a consensual act and if one person feels they are “owed” sex, it’s likely that there’s going to be a lot of disappointment, resentment and a shift in power that takes sex to an unhealthy place. It sounds like you guys ended up in that place. You felt rejected and angry. He felt that his wishes weren’t being respected. The feelings you were both having were very real and so its not surprising that you hit a wall.
And then there’s the matter of verbal and physical abuse. Respect is a two way street and from what you’ve said, neither one of you was showing much respect to the other. Verbal and physical abuse are not okay under any circumstances, so maybe this breakup is really the best thing for both of you. You DO deserve better and he needs to get his life together so that he’ll be healthy and confident in his relationships. While you may have felt like you had to take him in to support him at one point, that burden may have left you feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Maybe once he gets himself worked out, you two can try again. Or maybe it’s a good idea to find a guy who you’re on more even footing with.
Wishing you luck.
I'm writing to you to find out how I can possibly stay sober. I didn't drink anything for three months but when my boyfriend drinks, I drink. I am an alcoholic and I come from a family of alcoholic's down to my mother, who is no longer here, my father and my brother. I'll be 42 years old and I've drank the majority of my life. I want to never drink again but still find ways to have fun. I do dumb things when I drink. I'm subject to anything. My boyfriend accuses me of cheating all the time, which I'm not, and he always says things to hurt my feelings. I then turn to drinking as well it only makes things worse with our relationship I just want to be happy I go out of my way for this man. Please give me a little advice. Thank you.
Dear Want to Quit,
Is your boyfriend an alcoholic? Have you been to AA? Part of staying sober is about having support. AA provides support. Or, if AA seems a little too scary at first, you might try Al-Anon instead. Coming from a long line of alcoholics definitely affects your behaviors. Having a boyfriend and friends who support your desire not to drink could be a big factor. There are TONS of ways to have fun without drinking but you have to develop new habits.
Get help. Don’t be afraid to tell people that you’re trying to stop drinking and surround yourself with people who will support you. Find an AA or Al-Anon meeting (and if you aren’t comfortable in one, try another one…the Resources page has a link to both agencies so you can find a nearby meeting). That you’re reaching out for help to me is a great first step. So now, just have to courage to take the next one.
I don’t know what to do? My boyfriend is an abusive, jealous, drug addict. He has been in and out of jail. I have been dealing with that the whole seven years we have together. He has even cheated on me. We have an open cps case. Our kids got taken away. And can’t get them back till we do our classes we need to do and stay clean. I am staying clean and doing what I need to do. And he has not done anything. And right now he is in jail facing two theft enhancement charges. I don’t know if to leave him or what so I can be happy and get my kids back. Or wait till whenever he gets out to see if he is changed. Right now while he is locked up he is still telling me stuff, and blaming me for everything.
Good for you for doing what you need to do for your kids. You and your kids deserve a happy, safe and stable life and it sounds like your boyfriend hasn’t even figured out how to do that for himself much less provide that kind of environment for you and your kids. There’s always a chance that he may change (though it doesn’t sound like it’s happened yet) but I would suggest not “waiting” to find out. Your kids need you. They need you to have a plan for how you’re going to parent them and for what’s going to happen when their dad is back in their lives. I would suggest talking with a counselor or an advocate (or both) and have them help you come up with a plan. If your boyfriend gets out and is a changed man, then you will have steps to follow on how to integrate him back into your lives. But if he doesn’t, you still have a responsibility to yourself and to your children to create a good, healthy life.
Stay strong and healthy.
How do you deal with a verbally abusive alcoholic spouse?
Dealing with an alcoholic spouse is a challenge in itself and adding verbal abuse to the mix makes this a very precarious situation. How to deal with the spouse depends on a lot of different factors. First and foremost, are you physically safe with your spouse? If not, then I would advise seeking help to distance yourself from the situation, either temporarily or permanently, while addressing the core issues.
Next, and also very important to consider, is whether you plan on staying in the marriage. Addiction and recovery can be a very long and painful process and if you want to stay in your marriage, you need to understand what that might mean. Does your spouse acknowledge that they have a drinking problem? Are they willing to seek help?
Whether or not you choose to stay in your marriage, you should focus on getting yourself as healthy as you can. Do you have children? I would suggest counseling and/or Al Anon for both you and your children. As the daughter of an alcoholic, I can tell you that, even if you don’t drink, you pick up behaviors and habits are a result of dealing with your loved ones alcoholism – some that you may not even recognize until many years down the road. Visit Al-Anon and Alateen to find groups in your areas and start getting support. If your spouse is ready for help, check out local AA meetings as well.
But beyond the alcoholism, let’s talk about verbal abuse. Verbal abuse can be as damaging or even more so than physical abuse. In many cases, we don’t even begin to understand the emotional toll until we start having nightmares or having trouble concentrating, suffer from depression or even PTSD. Is the verbal abuse related to the drinking or is it more engrained in your spouse’s pattern of behavior? The verbally abusive behavior is definitely a huge problem and it needs to stop.
If you and I were chatting about this problem over coffee, I would ask you a lot of questions about your situation to try and understand more about the dynamics of your relationship, but here I am stuck dealing in generalities so here is my advice based on what I know about addiction and interpersonal violence. This problem is not going to go away on its own and you need to reach out for help. Find a counselor in your area that specializes in addiction and ask for help. Call your local domestic violence agency and talk to them about their programs and services. Sometimes they offer programs to work with abusive partners with the goal of helping them better manage anger and keep relationships intact. Go to Al-Anon and talk. You’ll get serious doses of perspective and helpful resources from people dealing with similar situations. Whatever path you choose, make sure it involves seeking the help you need to be as healthy as you can be in this very daunting situation.
My thoughts are with you and I invite you to reach out anytime you need a sympathetic ear.
Don't be shy! Say what's on your mind and get a good dose of perspective in return.