This past New Year’s Eve I was unable to attend with my boyfriend and a few of our couples friends we have been out with on several occasions for years now. On New Years Day, I awoke to find a picture of my boyfriend with his face buried in our married friends breast with the comment “thank god we are good friends.” Am I overreacting by telling them that I feel disrespected, that I am absolutely crushed by the inappropriate act that they say was staged. I feel it showed an intimacy shared by the two of them. I feel it was a very unkind thoughtless act and that I am being made fun of. I am flat-chested and she is very well endowed Am I wrong in feeling that?
I think your boyfriend and friend made a very poor, thoughtless decision and that it probably had nothing to do with you at all. More likely, there was some drinking going on (New Year’s Eve, right?) and people sometimes do stupid things when they’re drinking. It’s all in fun, right? Yeah, not so much.
It’s understandable that you’re feeling crummy about the picture and I think you should talk to your boyfriend (and probably your friend as well) about how you’re feeling. You’re entitled to your feelings. The trick is taking this opportunity to have a meaningful talk about those feelings. If you approach it in terms of how their act made you feel, without accusing, without assuming that you know what their intentions were, the conversation will probably go a lot better. I doubt your boyfriend meant to make you feel bad. But he needs to understand how his actions made you feel so it won’t happen again.
I've been in a relationship for a very long time and am very bored and lonely. We do have three kids together. The problem is he never pays any attention to me. He’s always on the computer and I'm doing household chores. When I do say something to him like we never do anything together he thinks I'm bitching. I think he would rather jack off then have sex. I'm so bored I'm thinking of ending this. Help! My family means a lot to me but I'm unhappy and feel alone most the time anyway. What should I do?
Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon problem. Computers, with all their wonderful and useful functions, have really taken a toll on relationships. The same goes for phones, tablets…technology in general. It’s much easier to give your attention to the almighty screen than to have to deal with the realities of another person’s wants, needs, emotions…
The feelings that you’re having are real and are going to significantly impact your relationship whether he acknowledges that there is a problem or not. So what you’re going to need to do is to make him see that there are some serious issues you guys need to address. Maybe you are bitching a little bit…I know I did plenty of bitching once I was finally so fed up that I couldn’t find any other way to communicate. My suggestion to you is to take a breath and try to reframe the conversation. At the end of the day, this isn’t about him being on the computer or you doing all the housework. It’s about a lack of intimacy that’s developing as a result of those other symptoms. Just like the common cold, treating the symptoms only makes you feel better temporarily.
So what does it look like to reframe the conversation? First, you need to get him involved in solving the problem. If he’s not invested, its not going to work. Talk to him about how the situation feels to you and how it’s negatively affecting the relationship. Don’t accuse. Ask him how he feels and be open to his answers. Try to be kind to one another. Maybe you can come up with some ways to improve things…date nights, common interests. Intimacy isn’t just about sex so look at creative ways to reconnect.
And, if he’s willing, it might be a good time to seek a couple’s counselor to help with the process.
Wishing you the best of luck.
Hi, I am 62, my boyfriend is 65, I have at my age a huge libido urge, I could have sex everyday, but my boyfriend cannot return the favor, this is my first relationship in over twelve years, before I did not have any sexual urge, mainly I wanted to be in LOVE, I am now, but this is not satisfying me, can my boyfriend get a boost of testosterone to help me? I am going crazy waiting till he is ready for sex!!!
If the lack of sex is causing problems in your relationship then I would suggest seeing a doctor to see if there is something they can do to help. I’m not a doctor so I have no specifics for you on what might be available, but there are a lot of physical and psychological factors that can cause issues with sexual function and a medical doctor is probably a good first step in that process.
I’m also going to suggest that your current situation is actually a good sign. If you haven’t had sexual urges in many years and are now having them with this man, its probably a sign that you’ve found what YOU need in this relationship to reignite your own sexual desires. Have you considered other means of getting sexual satisfaction while you work out some of the physical problems? Intercourse isn’t the only means of achieving sexual pleasure. Maybe you and your boyfriend (if you’re both willing) could do a little experimentation (with or without gadgets). It could be a really good opportunity to be intimate and to communicate, even if it doesn’t involve traditional sexual intercourse.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost eight years. He is worried that we have both just gotten comfortable and settled. He wants me to take time to figure out if being with him is what I really want. My immediate reaction is to say yes, that’s what I want, but I know I really do need to take the time and also get advice on our problems. Problem number 1: We work opposite schedules so we see each other maybe 30min to an hour everyday. Problem number 2: We are both a bit emotionally damaged and so things like saying I love you and simple no sexual affection are lacking. Problem number 3: I am a non confrontational person and am scared of rejection so I don’t initiate the affection or talk about issues while he just is not affectionate, but thinks that if I were to initiate the affection it might change. I don’t know what advice I am looking for but any guidance would be greatly appreciated.
Whether or not you’ve gotten too comfortable and settled, or whether you’re simple needing to take some time to consider what direction you want to go in your life, it sounds to me like you need to resist that impulse to just stay put. The problems you list are pretty big problems….not horrible ones, but definitely issues that can make happiness in a relationship elusive. Is it impossible to have a good relationship when you barely see each other? No, but it’s difficult. That combined with the emotional distance you’re describing make me think that you and your boyfriend may be at cross-purposes.
Consider this. As much as you care for one another, and no doubt after eight years you do, there is something that is keeping you from showing one another affection. Is it emotional baggage (or damage) or is it maybe that you’re not compatible on that level? Sometimes we find ourselves with someone who makes us feel safe and comfortable and we think that’s enough. And then its not. Being aware of your fear of rejection and your issues with intimacy is a good thing. But the reality is that you initiating things is not likely to magically make your boyfriend more affectionate if that’s really not his strong point.
Try not to let your fear of rejection keep you from finding happiness. It sounds like your boyfriend may not be the right person for you. Or maybe he is. Taking some time to focus on you and what you want in life will help you to make that decision. If you two are meant to be together, you will be. But settling for the status quo just because you’re afraid of being alone or starting over is not likely to make either of you happy in the long run. If your boyfriend is asking you to take time to figure this out, he’s seeing the problems too and is asking for a time out. Maybe you’ll find that you want to be together. Or maybe you’ll find that having a relationship with someone more openly affectionate or someone you can spend more time with is really better for you.
You never know til you try.
Just wanted to ask a question, how long before meeting someone new, that you should sleep with them?
Hmm, maybe now…maybe never. Deciding to sleep with someone is such an incredibly personal decision and there are a lot of considerations. My own personal feeling is that the younger you are, the longer you should wait. People (especially women) often read so much more into sexual encounters that it’s good to know where you are in your life and how sex is going to affect you…and often that kind of self-awareness comes with time and experience.
On the other hand, I’m not a prude when it comes to sex and I don’t see anything wrong with having some good safe and consensual sex at whatever point feels comfortable to you. Where my cautious side sets in is on the topic of safety. Not knowing someone well….let’s say, same day you meet someone new…exposes you to risks to both your physical health and your emotional well-being. Of course there are no guarantees ever, but spending time getting to know someone will give you a better sense of who they are and where they’ve been. Sex is stinking fantastic but not enough to wind up with some life-threatening disease or to end up alone with someone violent or abusive.
So, let me put it this way. Don’t have sex without thinking about it first. Consider the options and what you hope to get out of the situation. Don’t wait until clothes are coming off and you’re too caught up in the passionate stuff to make an informed decision for yourself. Otherwise, have fun and be safe.
I have been seeing this guy since June. We knew each other before but never hung out. Anyway, in talking he says it takes about 6 to 9 months for him to realize whether he wants to date someone. We have never been intimate. He said he wants to wait for the right time however he has received some intimate things from me. We don't go out on dates. We have been out to dinner and movies and never once has he offered to cover the tab. In fact he asked me to once. I let him use my car, I take him where he needs to go all the time. We have been in a couple of arguments and he says that he wants me to be the one but I'm not sure if I believe that. Seeing how nothing has progressed. I'm tired of side hugs and he seems to bring up his ex fiancé almost every time I am with him. I think he is still in love. He knows nothing about my ex's. I don't discuss them. Do you think he's just using me. Or do you think he has good intentions for the future. I'm so confused. I want to believe him. I'm in my 30's and I am tired of wasting my time. I am afraid if I give up, I'll just be giving up like I did before. Please help. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Well, I can understand why you’re feeling frustrated. In my experience, many (not all, but many) men in their 30’s these days seem to suffer from a perpetual case of not knowing how to grow up. I know a lot of men in their 30’s who have their lives in order but I know an equal number who seem a little bit lost in adulthood. My suspicion is that your boyfriend falls somewhere in this category. He clearly wants companionship and his constant reference to his ex-fiancé is probably a sign that he really doesn’t know what he wants. How bad was their breakup? If he’s still actively licking his wounds, he may not really be ready to have a relationship yet.
There were a few things in your letter than stood out to me. First,his arbitrary 6-9 month period to decide whether to date. Hmmm. Ok, so I get that we sometimes make rules for ourselves. For instance, “I’m just meeting people, I’m not looking for a relationship” is not particularly uncommon. But why the timeframe? Two thoughts here. One, what has this guy been through? Why is he so gun shy? Second, why is he setting you up like that? If you ask me, this sounds like a safety barrier. He’s saying, “let’s see how things go before I have to commit.” While there’s nothing wrong with waiting to commit, but we’re not talking about marriage here, just dating. It shouldn’t be that scary.
My next little “eek” moment came in reading about his desire not to be intimate yet followed by your admission that he’s been on the receiving end of some hanky panky. That, coupled with his borrowing your car and asking you to pick up the tab at dinner is a pattern of behavior that I find troubling. And I think there’s really only one solution. You’re going to have to set some limits. I’m not saying you shouldn’t pay for dinner or take him places, but you’re not his mother. If he’s an adult then there needs to be some reciprocation here and the best way to ensure that is to talk about it, honestly, openly. You need to establish your boundaries and say, out loud, what you need out of this relationship. If he’s worth the trouble, he’ll listen to what you have to say and you’ll find a way to meet in the middle. If he becomes defensive or annoyed when you tell him how you’re feeling, then it might be time to reconsider the direction this relationship is going.
Believe me, I get the fact that men (and women) have baggage. We carry all the remains of every bad experience, every previous relationship, ever little quirk, and we impose it all on our romantic partners. He may simply be scared out of his wits to get involved in another intimate relationship. But allowing things to continue on so one-sided is not likely to leave you feeling fulfilled or loved. There may be great reasons for you to foot the bill at dinner or lend him your car, but unless you have an agreement and you both feel good about the terms its likely for resentments to build.
The truth is, you are dating, regardless of his hesitation to quantify it. If you’re hanging out, having dinner, seeing movies, having ANY intimate contact, its not unreasonable to call this what it is – a relationship. Now, whether it’s the relationship you (or he) want is a separate issue but I promise, either way, you’re going to have a much happier and healthier life if you make sure that you are clearly stating your needs, setting your boundaries and knowing that you are worth having those needs and boundaries respected.
Don't be shy! Say what's on your mind and get a good dose of perspective in return.