Hi Amy,
You gave me advice about my ex and I’m trying very hard to do what's right regarding my son and I. Well my ex invited me and our son over for dinner again at his mom's house and we had a good time. So I kinda brought up the matter about getting back together again and I notice he gets a little nervous. He tells me like this..."I’m in a situation right now that I’m trying to get out of (meaning that he has a girlfriend living with him). So I asked him do you love her? He said no so I asked him do you love me? And he got nervous and started shaking his leg and said yes. I then told him well say it then, tell me you love me. He looked at me with concern into my eyes and said yes I do love you, I do. So I told him only you know how you truly feel and what’s in your heart. Either you want a family again meaning your son and I or you want to stay were you’re at. I mean he's telling me that its not serious and that he doesn't know how to go about it. I mean I don't expect him to just drop everything and pick up were we left off. But I do need him to be honest with me. I don't see him trying to get out of the situation. Also when we were at his mom's he started flirting and telling me that I’m beautiful and he tried to grab my behind. I feel like he's not taking me seriously! I didn't appreciate the way he was acting with me. One thing I can tell you about my ex is that he's always been a procrastinating person. He always waits to get things done when it's too late! So I feel that he's procrastinating when it comes between me and his girlfriend. I mean he made it very clear that his relationship with her is not serious at all that he just has her there for his convenience not to marry or take her around his family. Instead he's taking me around his family. What’s really going on? Dear Mixed, Good for you for bringing it up and making your ex have to talk about it, regardless of how nervous it might make him. If he tends to procrastinate, he may very well be putting things off until they reach a critical point. Procrastination and being non-confrontational sometimes go hand in hand. So I would guess that what’s happening right now is that he’s in “wait and see” mode. He’s kind of having this relationship with is current girlfriend but he’s checking out what might be possible with you. Wouldn’t it be great if we could all just play around and see what happens? Yeah, probably not. What’s he’s doing to you right now is unfair and whether he’s aware of that or not doesn’t change the situation. You can’t make him change his behavior. But you can change the way you behave and react when you’re with him. You’re going to need to spell things out for him. First, him trying to touch your behind when he has a girlfriend at home is just inappropriate and you need to tell him that that behavior has to stop. You don’t have to let him have it both ways. You can say “hey, I’m open to a relationship with you but not while you’re with her.” That’s not only appropriate but it’s more fair to you and to her. If he chooses not to end things with her, then you’re getting a clear signal…time to move on. Having lived with a procrastinator, I can tell you that it doesn’t go away. The best you can do for yourself and your son are to draw your boundaries and to enforce them. If your ex wants to be with you, then he needs to step up. And if he doesn’t, than you deserve someone who will. Amy Dear Amy,
My ex boyfriend and I were together for 9 years and we have a son together. We have been broken up for 2 1/2 yrs and he has a new girlfriend that moved in with him about 9 months ago. But recently we been kinda hanging out together Iike for our sons b day we went and had dinner with his mom and for Christmas eve I invited him and his mother and they came over. Christmas day my ex came and picked me and our son up to visit his family. Anyways. We had a talk and he told me like this... " yes you know I have a girlfriend I do but its nothing. She's just there how can I say this she's just a convenience. I care, I mean I have feelings for her and I have feelings for you but more for you. I have feelings more for you. I still love you. I think about you everyday. You made me what I am today. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have my job. You did a lot for me and she knows that. I let her know that I don't talk bad about you. I have nothing bad to say about you. And I let her know that all the time! I don't want to mislead her or you. Right now I’m going through a lot too with her cause she knows how I feel about you. I don't take her around my family my mom hasn't met her nor my family no its not like that at all I won't take her around my family! " And as he was leaving he told me “don't worry I don't take her around my family!” I’m confused because I feel like he's avoiding me now. He called me to be ready that he was coming to pick me and my son up for the anniversary of his father's death - they were having a mass for him - and he never showed up he just left me and his son hanging! This upset me. I tried calling him once, no answer. So my question to you is what is he up too? Or was it all just lies? I don't know what to think! Please help me I don't want to get involved with him again if he's not being honest with his feelings. Dear Mixed, Let’s put things in perspective. Ok, so your ex has feelings for you. He probably always will regardless of whether you’re together or not. You’re the mother of his child and he should definitely feel love and respect for you based on that fact. And you will always have feelings for him, regardless of whether you get involved with him. So the fact that he’s telling you how important you’ve been in his life is actually a very honest admission, regardless of your relationship with him now. In other words, it doesn’t have to be so black and white. It could be that everything he said was true AND you shouldn’t get back together. I have two main thoughts. The first has to do with your son. You should be thinking about how getting back together and possibly breaking up again will affect your son. Proceed with caution. There’s nothing at all wrong with reconnecting but make sure that you both are always thinking about your son first because the decisions you make will undoubtedly affect him. And it is important for both you and your son’s father to stick to your word. If he says he’s going to come see you or pick you up, he needs to show up. You need to make sure he understands that this is the expectation and that its unacceptable for him to say he’ll come and then back out. That’s just good parenting. And then there’s the matter of your ex’s current girlfriend. I expect that he’s feeling conflicted, and that’s ok, that’s human. But, what does it say about his commitment to and respect for relationships in general when he tells you she’s just a “convenience.” My suggestion for you is this. If you even consider getting involved with him, make sure its after he’s made a clean break with his current girlfriend. Don’t be the other woman. It’s not fair to her or to you for him to be stringing either of you along. Understand that you deserve a man who’s going to be 100% present in your relationship and don’t settle for less. All relationships are complicated and take work so make sure you start out on the right foot. Amy Dear Amy,
In a relationship with a 76 yr. old man that I have dated 9 mos. He said he was 66 online. He has been divorced for 25 yrs. Dates a great deal. 3 daughters and 7 grandchildren. I was married for 15 yrs. I have been single for 25 yrs. and divorced that long. Both of us have not remarried a second time. His ex wife is getting divorced after 8 yrs. of marriage to a man who also ran off with her money. Being destitute, she wants her first husband back (the man I am dating). Problem is: their middle daughter is trying to put mom and dad back together and fall in love again. She is 75 yrs. old. That relieves them of many responsibilities. What the daughter does is invite the father over for dinner to be with 2 of his grandsons and then in pops the ex wife. She brings food and stays awhile. This happens every other month. She doesn't want to be alone and she knows he is dating me. I do believe I should exit this relationship. Your help is greatly appreciated. Thank you so much. Dear Looking, I’ve been thinking a great deal about your question and I find myself making some assumptions that may not be altogether correct. But here goes. You’ve been single a long time and my impression is that you’re finding this relationship to be more trouble than it’s worth? Is that close? Is the man you’re dating showing an interest in rekindling things with his ex? If so, then yes, maybe it’s a good time to step out of the relationship. On the other hand, if its just the daughter’s meddling that is frustrating, maybe a good talk with the man you’re seeing about boundaries and trust is in order. He and his ex seeing each other for a little while every few months is probably not cause for too much panic. Unless it is. How’s your relationship with him? How about your relationship with his daughter? f the bottom line is that you’re perfectly comfortable being single and this relationship is causing more drama than you’d like to have in your life, a graceful and compassionate exit might be just the thing to make things simpler. If, however, you would like to continue dating this man, then I suggest some open and honest communication about how the presence of his ex in his life and his daughter’s behavior is affecting you. Maybe he’s finding the whole thing annoying too and he needs to have a talk with his daughter about boundaries. Either way, I am a firm believer in making informed decisions that feel right for you. Your happiness is the top priority. Amy Dear Amy,
I'm in high school (last year). My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months on the 19th. School is halfway over and he wants to move to away for college from 4-6 years of schooling. Me on the other hand, I'm staying here to go to college. I have been worried about it for a while and I know it's probably typical, but what do you think of long distant relationships? I feel it will be hard but I'm willing to take the chance of it means being with him in the future. Any advice for this? Dear Long Distance, The big challenge in maintaining a healthy long distance relationship is keeping the lines of communication open. Because you won’t be physically near one another, you have to create the intimacy in your relationship in other ways….mostly via talking, texting, emailing, Skype and whatever other modes of communication are open to you. People do this all the time with varying degrees of success. Consider all the military families that keep their relationships going even with long separation. Does it always work? No. But it is possible if you are both willing to talk openly and to support one another. So, one thing that I would have you consider is this. You’re both very young and you’re going to experience some really big things now in college and you’ll be experiencing it apart from one another. If you want to stay together, then do so. But be willing to be open and honest with one another as things change in your lives. That way, no matter what happens, your relationship will always be a happy place for your both. Sometimes we get stuck on the idea of what we think should happen and we forget to allow for people to change and grow. Be flexible. Be kind. Be there for one another. Amy Dear Amy,
I am 53 and the woman I am interested in is 50. I want to move forward with the relationship. I have known her a few years now and I rent an apartment from her. She is divorced and so am I. I have very strong feelings for her. I want to tell her how i feel but do not want to push her away. I feel like i have to get this off my chest with her so I know what I have to do. I am not getting any younger, and need a healthy relationship with someone. Dear Taking a Chance, Does she seem interested in you? So, I would suggest that you tell her how you feel. If she is on the same page, then great for both of you. If she declines, be prepared to be respectful and to let it go. Since you’re renting an apartment from her, I assume this is someone you want to maintain a good relationship with regardless so be honest but respectful whatever her answer may be. Wishing you luck and love. Amy Dear Amy,
I have been dating a guy for about nine months. A while ago he broke up with me because his friends were pressuring him to hate me. But, later the same day he "took it back". I forgave him and we started dating again. I don't know why I forgave him. I guess I thought I loved him. Anyways, he broke up with me again just a few days ago saying that breaking up with me the first time took a chunk out of our relationship that can never be replaced and that he knows his best friend likes me. He told me he still wants to be friends. I know his best friend likes me and had often found myself dreaming not about my boyfriend but his best friend. Should I stay friends with my ex? Should I date his friend? Dear Perplexed, Hmm. Sticky. So, I some red flags going up here (one of moments when I wish I could ask lots of clarifying questions). It seems “strange” to me that a half a day breakup could take some irreplaceable part of your relationship away. I’m not sure why this strikes me as odd but I think there’s more to the story. And why is the friend coming up in the conversation? Ok, so if you and I were sitting across a table, I would suggest that you leave that whole situation alone for a while. You can stay friends with your ex, but I wouldn’t date his best friend anytime soon. Not sure why your ex is suggesting that you do and when faced with uncertainty, I suggest caution. Generally speaking, dating an ex’s best friend is a recipe for all sorts of drama so even if he condones it, I’d still give it some time to see how things work out. And why in the heck are his friends wanting your ex to hate you? And on the same note, why in the heck did he take them up on it (even if he took it back)? My advice: stay civil and friendly but avoid any further emotional entanglements with this crowd until you have a better understanding on what they’re all about. Amy Dear Amy,
I am a 45 year old woman who identifies as bisexual. I recently began online dating and I have connected with a woman that I'm very interested in, and I know the feeling is mutual. She initiated contact (this is an important point because I never would have considered contacting her), and we have been exchanging lengthy, heartfelt, and emotionally intimate messages for about a month. We are looking forward to meeting in person, but I have been holding off. She is incredibly intelligent, extremely mature, spiritual, compassionate, gorgeous, interesting, etc. She seems to embody every quality I am looking for in a partner and we have a tremendous amount in common. We both study psychology, and she has no concerns about pursuing this, but I do, because I am afraid people are going to judge me. The issue is that she is twenty one years old. If her age wasn't stated on her profile, I would have assumed from the depth and quality of our communication that she was near my own age. I believe age is just a number and as long as someone is an adult, it is appropriate to pursue a relationship if there is mutual interest and compatibility. She is more mature and insightful than the vast majority of the population, but I don't want to do her any disservice by pursuing this. Although I normally prefer not to let my behavior be determined by the opinions of others, I am very concerned about what people (especially our families) will think. Although I think there is potential for us to have a very satisfying and mutually beneficial relationship that will help both of us to continue to evolve, I am uncertain about how to handle the issues that may arise. I never would have conceived that it was possible for me to fall for someone so young, but I believe she is a very old soul and this is a unique situation. I am extremely close to my parents, but I just recently revealed that I am bisexual, and I am afraid that the idea of me dating a much younger woman would be too much for them to handle. I hope you have some insight and advice for me regarding how to proceed. I plan to take things very slowly, but I just want to make sure that I am taking everything into consideration. I just began reading your advice today, and you seem to be open-minded, compassionate, and wise, so I would really appreciate your input. Thank you so much! Dear Caution, Well, the reality of the situation is that people are going to judge you. That’s true no matter what you do really. Someone is always going to have an opinion and its hard not to let it affect us. Ok. So there’s that. I say get the hard truths on the table and then we can talk through the rest of it. Being bisexual can be very difficult. It seems that bisexuals get judged from a million different directions and it’s really unfair. The bottom line is that who you choose to have an intimate relationship with is completely up to you and people should either support your choice or have the good sense to butt out. But how other people feel about your relationship is neither here nor there. You just need to feel confident in the choices you make. Despite anyone else’s opinions, it’s your happiness on the line here. The age difference is just another element that people will either have an opinion on or not and this particular topic is close to my heart. There is a significant age difference between my significant other and I, and I completely understand your concerns. We’ve had to put up with other people’s opinions (he’s older so I am viewed as a child or a gold digger or his mid-life crisis…obviously unworthy in some way). And people think it’s strange that I am with someone who is so much older. But the truth is, we connect. We have a mature, loving relationship and it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. And the same applies to you. Will people form opinions? Yes. Will they state those opinions? Unfortunately, sometimes they will. But at the end of the day, my relationship is amazing and happy and stable and I wouldn’t trade it for something less gossip worthy. And I wish the same for you. When you find someone with whom you share such a strong connection, it’s a gift. Don’t let other’s peoples insecurities and inability to mind their own business get in the way of what might just be the love of your life. You deserve happiness. And with your family, I suggest being honest and empathetic. If they support you now, they’ll get over any reservations they have over the age difference. Wishing you luck and love. Amy Dear Amy,
I just met this very nice and respectful guy that makes me feel like an absolute queen. He always tells me how pretty I look even when I know I'm at my worst. He always gives me his warm hugs every time we see one another. We text each other every other day because we see each other a lot by us being neighbors. He lets me get his new car. He is great with my children taking them to school and stuff like that but there is only one thing...we have never went out together on a date. He would invite me over to his place and he would fix the mood as if we are out on a date and have candle lit dinners and movie. Its so romantic but we have not been out yet. I don't know if we are in a relationship or just good friends, I just play by the music not asking him what are he and I are doing because I don't want to mess up things since it seem as if we are into a relationship already and it's only been 2 months since we met. So I need your advice to know am I doing the right thing by keeping my mouth closed or do I need to take a chance and bring up to him and ask what are we doing even if he may get cold feet like most men do and start backing off. Dear Reluctant, Generally speaking, I would say that candle lit dinners and romantic movies at home are pretty much dates. In fact, doing this at home is probably a lot more intimate really than it would be if you went out together. My personal preference is to be up front about things. You can say to him that you are really enjoying spending time with him and looking forward to what this relationship may bring. Could it make him back off? I suppose so. But all evidence to the contrary. On the other hand, you could just ask him out on a date and see what he says. Something like “hey, would you like to have dinner out this week?” If he hesitates, at least it’ll give you a gauge on how quickly to move. The bottom line is that if you don’t take risks then nothing happens. If you’re content to just sit back and let things happen as they happen, then doing nothing isn’t a horrible choice. But if its bothering you….if you’re finding yourself confused by mixed signals or wanting to be more “official” about things then you might as well just go for it. Given that you’re seeing a lot of each other, he’s already very involved in your life and he’s fixing you romantic dinners and is physically affectionate…I think there’s a pretty good chance you two are on the same page. Be brave. Amy Dear Amy,
Okay, so I know this probably going to be the stupidest thing ever, but Christmas is in less than one week and I still haven't gotten my boyfriend anything. We've been together less than 3 months (January 4 will mark 3 months) and I have no idea what I want to get him. I know as his girlfriend I'm supposed to know all the ins and outs of what he loves and what he'd like as a gift. But the fact that the relationship is still new, and getting even more serious as the days goes by freaks me out because I don't want to screw anything up. Any ideas? Dear Gifting, Not only is this not a stupid thing but it's something we've all probably worried about at one time or another. And also a fun question for me to answer so thank you! Ok, if your relationship is amazing (and it sounds like it is) then nothing you can give him as a gift is going to mess things up. So don’t panic. Also, you can be with someone for years and not know all the ins and outs, so again, try not to worry. I have two suggestions. First, think of something you enjoy doing together. It could be as simple as a favorite restaurant or going to the movies. Give him a date night complete with tickets or a gift certificate. You can make it personal and sweet without worrying about knowing his exact tastes AND it means spending time together, which is a big plus. My second suggestion comes straight from my relationship. My fella and I exchange books. We are both big readers and so we’ve taken to getting each other books that we think the other would like. It’s actually a lot of fun to see what he picks. Sometimes they’re things he thinks I’d like and sometimes it’s related to something we’ve talked about or done together. Of course, if books aren’t your thing, you could do the same basic concept with music or movies. It’s the story that comes along with it that makes it fun. As with the best gifts, it’s the thought that counts so be ready to explain what you were thinking when you picked it out. For instance, “this CD has a song we listened to on our first date” or “I know you love lizards so I got you this amazing lizard book.” You know, whatever works for you. Happy holidays! Amy Dear Amy,
About 6 months ago I started dating this guy I've known off and on for about 4 years. He is really sweet to me and does anything and everything for me if I let him. He has custody of his 4 year old daughter. She is pretty much like most kids her age. She has a speech impairment which I'll come back to later....even though he is very nice to me and does things for me I can't help but get annoyed with him. He was living in an apartment when we got together but one day he decided to just move out leaving all of his furniture there to move in to a room he is renting off a friend. Which he is fixing to leave there to live in a hotel! He is on his second vehicle, which he is fixing to give back to his cousin because he said she is demanding more money then their agreement was. He bashes everyone he isn't happy with and his little girl I think gets the blunt of his anger. No I have never seen it totally but her actions when he asks her to repeat something because he didn't understand or her reaction when he asks or tells her to do something speaks for itself! I can ask her something and she will do it. But she won't for him. I feel as though I'm rambling here but it hard to reread what I have typed....I will have them come over to spend the night and it will turn into 3 or 4 days! I have tried breaking it off with him but all I can think about if his daughter and how she needs a mother. He cry's when I try breaking it off! He tells me he loves me with all his heart and he even mentions marriage on occasion. What do I do? I can't live his way! I have worked hard my whole life to have what I do and I feel as if he would just pull me down. I guess I already know the answer I just don't know how to handle it. I am feeling smothered. Dear Smothered, Yes, I think you already know what you’re going to have to do. But maybe I can give you some ideas to help you do it. It’s admirable that you want to be there for your boyfriend’s little girl but that isn’t enough to sustain a healthy relationship (and from what you’ve shared, I think there are a lot of issues that keep this relationship from being healthy). If you suspect that the little girl is being abused or neglected, you need to address that. But you can’t fix the situation for her by sticking around and becoming more and more unhappy. Kids are smart. She’ll pick that up. I think the behaviors you’re describing in your boyfriend are indicative of a guy who hasn’t figured out how to be fully grown up yet. He’s having issues following through on things. He’s running away instead of finishing things he’s started. And he’s leashing out and blaming others rather than taking responsibility for his own situation. I’m sure he sees you as a safe haven…a constant in a life that probably feels out of control for him. But you can’t fix that. And it sounds to me like you don’t really want to anyway. It’s better for him and for you if you just break it off and stick to your guns. Or, if you want to give it one last try, you need to set some firm and clear boundaries. For instance, tell him that when you invite him over for a night that means one night and one night only. You don’t have to be unkind. And seeing boundaries being set and enforced might even be a good thing for his daughter to see happening. I doubt she’s going to get a lot of that from him. Amy |
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