Dear Amy,
I know of someone desperately wanting to be in a relationship, but is on limited income. He is only able to afford a night out, (movie, dinner, etc.) like once a month. Is it worth it of him even trying to get involved? Dear Looking, When I read your question, I had to spend a few minutes feeling sad for the state of affairs in our society. Why in the world should it matter how much money a person has when looking for love? Of course, it’s mattered forever right? How many stories have we heard about people waiting to marry or never marrying the person they loved because they didn’t have the income. So, after much consideration, here’s what I’ve come to. It’s 2014 and dammit, the answer is yes! He should most definitely try to get involved with someone. If your friend is looking for companionship, he shouldn’t allow his limited income to keep him from finding what he needs. Ok, so now for the practical advice. Your friends’ limited income may simply require that he think outside the box. If you’re been reading my answers, you’ll notice a theme. Honestly, communication, boundaries. Your friend is going to have to be honest about his situation. The reality is that he probably can’t afford to go the Match.com route for dating. Why do we invite people out to dinner or a movie anyway? It’s usually because we don’t know the person well enough to choose something more personal and so we’re sticking to safe places where we know that the other person will most likely find something they like despite our lack of knowledge. My advice for your friend is that he start his search for companionship in a slightly different way. Namely, he should start from common interests. Wherever you live, there are usually tons of free and low-cost options of things to do. Libraries have events based on books and other interests. Meet-up.com is a great place to find people who like to do similar things, whether its hiking, cooking, making art or even just sharing a glass of wine. Your friends’ best bet, in my estimation, is to spend time in places where he enjoys doing some activity. He’ll meet people who also like those activities and will be able to form relationships based on common interest rather than generic romantic activities. Going to dinner or seeing a movie can be reserved for special occasions. Heck, who said your friend has to pay for every date anyway? It’s 2014! It’s unfair and unfortunate that men are still expected to pay for every date (my humble if not popular opinion). Tell your friend to be open and honest with the people he wants to get involved with. Most of us have struggled with income at one time or another and if he makes it clear that the relationship is more important to him than money, he may just find that his special someone will feel the same way. Amy
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Dear Amy,
I have been married over one year recently. The first week of my marriage my husband physically abused me and with me being out of work I lost everything that I owned before the marriage. He could not provide for me, we moved with his relatives and I found out that he was bipolar and schizophrenic. After the episode of him jumping on me for the third time after he said he would not touch me like that, I left and moved out the state back to my home town. I married my first love so I thought. He drinks a lot and he has done more than smoking weed. He wasn't willing to change at all. My experience has been hell. We talk and he is more hoping I will give in and come back. He is not what I want in a man. He's jealous and wants unusual attention. I'm so exhausted with the mood swings. On the other hand my ex boyfriend of 12/14years we spit up a year almost 2. To make a long story short he wants a relationship with me. Yes we have had a lot of problems as a couple... He's heart is good but I feel like he's pressuring me when I feel like I need to put more focus on me getting my life back together. It's confusing me, I need advice. My ex is telling me how much he loves me and want to support me and I believe him. But is it self motivated. Dear Overwhelmed, Please, please, please tell your ex-boyfriend you are not ready for another relationship. Listen, it sounds to me like you’re last few years have been a nightmare and its not unusual to want to cling to something that seems stable when we wake up from that nightmare, right? But you’re already telling me that your relationship with your ex-boyfriend isn’t great so that instinct that is telling you that you need to focus on getting your life back together...listen to that. Your body is telling you this isn’t the right thing. Don’t ignore your instincts! They are there to protect you. I have a question for you: something to think about and if you want to contact me again, please do. Was there something traumatic that happened to you growing up? What I’m hearing in your letter, the rapid progression from one bad relationship to another, makes me want to tell you to take this opportunity to do some self-exploration. Find a good counselor and focus on yourself. I can tell from personal experience that the moment when you have that “OMG! There’s a pattern to my life” is a liberating time and when you identify the patterns and figure out how to recognize them and make different choices, its pretty much the most amazing thing. You’re whole life will change. Bottom line, my advice is this: this is you time. Don’t take on a new relationship until you are ready and it feels right. If your ex-boyfriend really loves you, he’ll wait. Amy Dear Amy,
I have been seeing this guy since June. We knew each other before but never hung out. Anyway, in talking he says it takes about 6 to 9 months for him to realize whether he wants to date someone. We have never been intimate. He said he wants to wait for the right time however he has received some intimate things from me. We don't go out on dates. We have been out to dinner and movies and never once has he offered to cover the tab. In fact he asked me to once. I let him use my car, I take him where he needs to go all the time. We have been in a couple of arguments and he says that he wants me to be the one but I'm not sure if I believe that. Seeing how nothing has progressed. I'm tired of side hugs and he seems to bring up his ex fiancé almost every time I am with him. I think he is still in love. He knows nothing about my ex's. I don't discuss them. Do you think he's just using me. Or do you think he has good intentions for the future. I'm so confused. I want to believe him. I'm in my 30's and I am tired of wasting my time. I am afraid if I give up, I'll just be giving up like I did before. Please help. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Dear Waiting, Well, I can understand why you’re feeling frustrated. In my experience, many (not all, but many) men in their 30’s these days seem to suffer from a perpetual case of not knowing how to grow up. I know a lot of men in their 30’s who have their lives in order but I know an equal number who seem a little bit lost in adulthood. My suspicion is that your boyfriend falls somewhere in this category. He clearly wants companionship and his constant reference to his ex-fiancé is probably a sign that he really doesn’t know what he wants. How bad was their breakup? If he’s still actively licking his wounds, he may not really be ready to have a relationship yet. There were a few things in your letter than stood out to me. First,his arbitrary 6-9 month period to decide whether to date. Hmmm. Ok, so I get that we sometimes make rules for ourselves. For instance, “I’m just meeting people, I’m not looking for a relationship” is not particularly uncommon. But why the timeframe? Two thoughts here. One, what has this guy been through? Why is he so gun shy? Second, why is he setting you up like that? If you ask me, this sounds like a safety barrier. He’s saying, “let’s see how things go before I have to commit.” While there’s nothing wrong with waiting to commit, but we’re not talking about marriage here, just dating. It shouldn’t be that scary. My next little “eek” moment came in reading about his desire not to be intimate yet followed by your admission that he’s been on the receiving end of some hanky panky. That, coupled with his borrowing your car and asking you to pick up the tab at dinner is a pattern of behavior that I find troubling. And I think there’s really only one solution. You’re going to have to set some limits. I’m not saying you shouldn’t pay for dinner or take him places, but you’re not his mother. If he’s an adult then there needs to be some reciprocation here and the best way to ensure that is to talk about it, honestly, openly. You need to establish your boundaries and say, out loud, what you need out of this relationship. If he’s worth the trouble, he’ll listen to what you have to say and you’ll find a way to meet in the middle. If he becomes defensive or annoyed when you tell him how you’re feeling, then it might be time to reconsider the direction this relationship is going. Believe me, I get the fact that men (and women) have baggage. We carry all the remains of every bad experience, every previous relationship, ever little quirk, and we impose it all on our romantic partners. He may simply be scared out of his wits to get involved in another intimate relationship. But allowing things to continue on so one-sided is not likely to leave you feeling fulfilled or loved. There may be great reasons for you to foot the bill at dinner or lend him your car, but unless you have an agreement and you both feel good about the terms its likely for resentments to build. The truth is, you are dating, regardless of his hesitation to quantify it. If you’re hanging out, having dinner, seeing movies, having ANY intimate contact, its not unreasonable to call this what it is – a relationship. Now, whether it’s the relationship you (or he) want is a separate issue but I promise, either way, you’re going to have a much happier and healthier life if you make sure that you are clearly stating your needs, setting your boundaries and knowing that you are worth having those needs and boundaries respected. Amy Dear Amy,
I am needing some advice on a potential dating situation. I have been attending a mental health support group meeting for over a year now. Recently a man has joined our group and has been coming for about two months. He is quite attractive and very charismatic and I have noticed that we catch eyes often during our meetings. I was told recently by a mutual friend in the group that he is potentially interested in me. In a normal situation I would entertain the idea of pursing him because I am very attracted to him but under the circumstances of how we know each other I am questioning what the right thing to do is. The factors that I need to consider are he is 18 years older than me, we are both living with mental illness, he has recently experienced a bad break up and we both attend the same support group. The age worries me because I am so cynical and feel that he may only want to pursue me for purely sexual reasons, or as a rebound from his previous relationship. I am afraid that if we were to begin dating our emotional issues would complicate things more so then dating someone who is emotionally stable. Also, if we were to have a falling through or a miss understanding down the road then our support group would not be a safe place for both of us to attend and express our emotions. I need perspective on what you think is ok and not ok about this potential love interest. Should I consider a date if he were to ask? Or should I avoid the situation entirely? Dear Debating, This is a tough question that I think you should break down into two parts. First part, is this is a good guy to date? Whenever you meet someone new and interesting, you take a chance. You can never be sure how a relationship is going to go and so to predict success or failure based on age and baggage, especially with someone you don’t know well, is probably not a very reliable way of judging. Age can make a huge difference in common interests and relatability, but then again, some of that depends on what kind of a person you are. Are you an old soul? Do you tend to be attracted to men your own age or do you find them to be immature? In my view, age alone doesn’t make or break a relationship. It may, however, present its own unique blends of considerations. For instance, if you are at very different stages in your personal and professional lives, it may affect the activities you like to do or the goals you’ve set for yourself. Keept that in mind. Then there’s baggage. We all have some (some of us more than others) and again, I think his recent break-up may or may not have an impact on any romantic shenanigans you get into with this guy. That this guy is seeking help for his mental health issues is actually a vote in his favor. In my experience, it is very rare to find someone who is self-aware enough to recognize that they need help and to take that further step to seek that help out. As it turns out, we have very little way of telling whether someone is emotionally stable early in a relationship so your chances of knowing a little more about this guy’s state of mind is actually better than you’d have with a stranger. And, in theory, you’ll be dating someone who can empathize with your own struggles. All that said, I think the critical factor here is whether you are willing to jeopardize your current support group situation in order to date this guy. There is just no way to know how it will go. True love, maybe. Potentially awkward break-up, equally maybe. And if that’s the way it goes, you’re absolutely right, it will make the group environment unsafe for one or both of you. So the real question is, are you willing to deal with the fact that you may end up having to find another group as a result? If the answer is an emphatic no, then I’d say to keep things friendly but professional. There’s nothing at all wrong with dating this guy, but it is good that you are considering the consequences. If you decide to move forward, be honest about your concerns. Maybe you’ll find that he feels the same way and it will be easier to create a strong friendship without taking the romance route. Or maybe you’ll meet your soul mate. Trust your instincts and give yourself permission to make the decision that feels right for you. Amy |
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