I didn't get my wife of 24 years anything special for Christmas this year although now she’s mad and wont talk to me. I really don't know how to make this up to her. We did get several things early.
Ok, so I have two questions and thoughts.
First, do you usually get her something special? If so, what happened this year? If the early presents were the special presents, talk to her about it honestly. Validate her feelings. We all get bent out of shape at times. It’ll be ok.
Second, if you don’t usually get her something special, is there a reason she may have been hoping for something now? You’ve been together a long time and if she’s feeling a little blue or feels like things have been getting a little “comfortable” she may have been hoping for something to liven things up. Or it may have nothing to do with Christmas at all. Luckily, there’s only one way to find out.
So, here’s what I’d suggest. Take her out for a nice dinner and talk to her about what’s going on. Ask her why she’s been so upset and listen. I mean really listen, without getting defensive, without worrying about making it up to her. You can’t always make things up to someone in the way you think. But showing her that you really care and want to make her happy may just get you guys through this hump.
I am a 45 year old woman who identifies as bisexual. I recently began online dating and I have connected with a woman that I'm very interested in, and I know the feeling is mutual. She initiated contact (this is an important point because I never would have considered contacting her), and we have been exchanging lengthy, heartfelt, and emotionally intimate messages for about a month. We are looking forward to meeting in person, but I have been holding off. She is incredibly intelligent, extremely mature, spiritual, compassionate, gorgeous, interesting, etc. She seems to embody every quality I am looking for in a partner and we have a tremendous amount in common. We both study psychology, and she has no concerns about pursuing this, but I do, because I am afraid people are going to judge me. The issue is that she is twenty one years old. If her age wasn't stated on her profile, I would have assumed from the depth and quality of our communication that she was near my own age. I believe age is just a number and as long as someone is an adult, it is appropriate to pursue a relationship if there is mutual interest and compatibility. She is more mature and insightful than the vast majority of the population, but I don't want to do her any disservice by pursuing this. Although I normally prefer not to let my behavior be determined by the opinions of others, I am very concerned about what people (especially our families) will think. Although I think there is potential for us to have a very satisfying and mutually beneficial relationship that will help both of us to continue to evolve, I am uncertain about how to handle the issues that may arise. I never would have conceived that it was possible for me to fall for someone so young, but I believe she is a very old soul and this is a unique situation. I am extremely close to my parents, but I just recently revealed that I am bisexual, and I am afraid that the idea of me dating a much younger woman would be too much for them to handle. I hope you have some insight and advice for me regarding how to proceed. I plan to take things very slowly, but I just want to make sure that I am taking everything into consideration. I just began reading your advice today, and you seem to be open-minded, compassionate, and wise, so I would really appreciate your input. Thank you so much!
Well, the reality of the situation is that people are going to judge you. That’s true no matter what you do really. Someone is always going to have an opinion and its hard not to let it affect us. Ok. So there’s that. I say get the hard truths on the table and then we can talk through the rest of it.
Being bisexual can be very difficult. It seems that bisexuals get judged from a million different directions and it’s really unfair. The bottom line is that who you choose to have an intimate relationship with is completely up to you and people should either support your choice or have the good sense to butt out. But how other people feel about your relationship is neither here nor there. You just need to feel confident in the choices you make. Despite anyone else’s opinions, it’s your happiness on the line here.
The age difference is just another element that people will either have an opinion on or not and this particular topic is close to my heart. There is a significant age difference between my significant other and I, and I completely understand your concerns. We’ve had to put up with other people’s opinions (he’s older so I am viewed as a child or a gold digger or his mid-life crisis…obviously unworthy in some way). And people think it’s strange that I am with someone who is so much older. But the truth is, we connect. We have a mature, loving relationship and it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. And the same applies to you. Will people form opinions? Yes. Will they state those opinions? Unfortunately, sometimes they will. But at the end of the day, my relationship is amazing and happy and stable and I wouldn’t trade it for something less gossip worthy. And I wish the same for you.
When you find someone with whom you share such a strong connection, it’s a gift. Don’t let other’s peoples insecurities and inability to mind their own business get in the way of what might just be the love of your life. You deserve happiness. And with your family, I suggest being honest and empathetic. If they support you now, they’ll get over any reservations they have over the age difference.
Wishing you luck and love.
I met a man who asked me to help him correct his credit problem. He got a hold of all my personal information and spent 50,000 in my name. On paper it looks like I gave him permission but he did it behind my back. He said if I turn him in he will never pay the debt. I am trapped and I don't know what to do. He pretends he is my boyfriend but I never see him. I’m so scared all the time. And I don’t know what to do. The only thing I have is proof that he tried to get credit cards sent to his home in my name. And he stole another one of my credit cards and spent 10,000. All of this stuff he bought and it has to be paid for. And my name is linked to it.
He’s never going to pay you back so now would be a good time to turn him in. If he’s intimidating or threatening you then he has no intention of paying you back and the longer you wait, the deeper in you’ll be. Contact the police today (they have a lot of training these days with identify theft) and get the ball rolling. Gather as much paperwork as you can. I’m sorry this happened to you but please act quickly so it doesn’t get any worse.
I've been with a woman for the past 3 1/2 yrs & I've found myself so in love w her that it's gotten down right unhealthy in every way! I'm 40 & she's 32 & she's not a butch or anything like that but she is very tomboy. She's got a x-husband & a daughter that turned 13yesterday but she's always, at least since the age of 16 when she fully came out, has been WAY more into women & always told me that at times she thinks she may like a guy, especially when alcohols involved, but when they have sex it totally turns her off. Even to the point that she told me one guy, during sex, looked at her & said.. You don't even like this do you?! Therefore she's painted this picture for me of pretty much anti-guy! She's extremely jealous & for reasons beyond my comprehension, cheated on me w 5 of my (or so I thought) really good guy friends! Wth is going on here? She's obviously trying to get at me cause I've slept w a couple of these guys in the past, not cheating on her, all though I'm constantly accused of it! She's got to like penis somehow, right!?!
So, I’m going to go out on a very short limb here and say that what’s going on has little (or probably nothing) to do with sexual orientation or preference. If I were sitting across the table from you, I’d probably suggest that your girlfriend has some serious trust issues…maybe even some childhood trauma. Her cheating on you with no less than five of your friends is a sign that things are not in a healthy space (of course, you knew that already right so no surprise there). I would recommend having a heart to heart with your girlfriend. Regardless of your feelings for her, It’s not fair to you for her to treat you this way. You guys need to talk, a lot, about what kind of behavior is acceptable in your relationship. It doesn’t really matter what her sexual preferences are. The bottom line is, if she’s in a relationship with you and your expectations are that she be monogamous, you need to state that clearly and make sure she knows you won’t be ok if she doesn’t stand by her word.
I know I’m going to sound like a broken record here but consider counseling, if not together than by yourself.
Believe me, this is not about penis.
My girlfriend of a year and I are at odds because her daughters father came for xmas and I told my girl that it seems that she is acting different around me. So I asked her if she still has any feelings for him. She tells me that I am insecure and that is why she was single for a long time because she didn’t want to deal with those issues. Now I want to say that months ago I questioned her about some texts she got on her phone from 3 other guys. She tells me they are just friends and that she is with me all the time so there is no way anything there. I tell her that I feel that there may be more to it because my ex wife said the same thing and was sleeping with those so called "friends". Am I off on this? We live together and I love her I just want her to be real with me. Even her mom tells her yesterday in joking hey how come you cant sit closer to Rob, me.
Trust is a big issue here. You’re carrying some major baggage from your previous marriage into this relationship and that’s bound to cause some problems. Sometimes things trigger responses from us that are tied to something else. Your girlfriend’s texts are triggering jealousy and insecurity tied to your previous relationship but recognizing those feelings is the first step toward working through them. You’re going to have to learn to trust your current girlfriend. In love, there’s always the possibility of getting hurt but you can’t have a lasting relationship without trust and communication so try to recognize your feelings as what they are…leftovers from things that happened between you and your ex. Take your girlfriend at her word unless she gives you a reason not to.
Now, let’s talk about Christmas and blended families. Holidays can be a real mess when you’re trying to include everyone. I can tell you from personal experience that having your old life and your new life all in one room can be extremely stressful and can cause you to act all kinds of weird. There’s a lot of juggling being done. Your girlfriend is including her ex presumably to allow her daughter to celebrate with both her parents. That’s very admirable but it comes with its own set of issues and her behavior is one of them. Imagine being in the most awkward possible situation where you want to show affection to your current partner but feel the need to keep things very even keel for the sake of sanity. It’s easy to imagine your girlfriend keeping things cool and professional in order to keep the peace in a somewhat precarious situation. Is it fair? Maybe not. But you have to consider that this is a new experience for you all and that it may take a few tries before you all start to feel calm and normal.
And, of course, since Christmas only comes once a year you don’t get a lot of chances for practice.
My suggestion for you is to try and stay calm. You and your girlfriend should be able to debrief about the holidays. She can tell you how the situation made her feel. And you should be able to do the same. Remember, you’re on the same team even when things are tense. Keep the conversation about how things made you feel. And remember that feelings are not fact. Give them the proper perspective. No personal attacks.
Your feelings are real and they are understandable. This is a tricky situation and if you stay together, its one you’re going to have to deal with again next year so make sure you’re communicating with one another. And I’m going to ask you right now to just come to terms with the fact that your girlfriend is always going to have weird feelings about her ex. She doesn’t ever have to want to be with him again…but he’s still the father of her child. That gives him a strange and permanent place in her life. Get over it (and I mean that with all kindness). Once you accept that he’s going to be in and out of your lives, you take away the power he has to affect your feelings.
Don’t let the stress of the holidays come between you and the girl you love.
There's this guy at work that I like. I had to move to another job and we exchanged numbers before I left. I wasn't able to see him on my last day but we texted each other. I'm confused about his feelings for me. He mentioned on his text that he would like us to find a way to meet up since I didn't see him before I left. He said he will miss me and to keep his number. After few days, he doesn't text me. I'm the one who texts him first and sometimes he doesn't respond to my texts. Did he change his mind or he's not true to his word? Do I need to continue texting him or move on?
My vote….move on. It may be any number of things that are keeping him from communicating but whatever the reason is, you shouldn’t let it keep you from moving forward with your life. If you back off for a bit, he might reappear from wherever he’s disappeared to. Or, he may not. Either way, focus on you first.
My girlfriend has been hurt badly emotionally in the past by her ex husband. Now she is to afraid to get close to anyone. Every time she starts to get emotionally close to anyone including me she backs off and pushes them away. How can I help her fix this problem?
We carry so much baggage from one relationship to the next. The best thing (and maybe the only truly effective thing) you can do for your girlfriend is to be patient and supportive. Let her know that you understand she’s been hurt and you want to be there for her (but also give her space when she needs it). Rebuilding trust after you’ve been hurt is a slow and somewhat painful process. The more you show her that you’re not going to react in the same ways her ex did, the more she’ll begin to trust you.
You can’t fix this for her. But you can be there for her. You can listen when she says she needs time to think. You can remind her that even though she needs space, you’ll be there for her when she’s ready. If you can do those things, she’ll start to heal and to learn to trust you. And the more you communicate, the more you’ll understand her needs and she’ll understand yours.
Hang in there.
I just met this very nice and respectful guy that makes me feel like an absolute queen. He always tells me how pretty I look even when I know I'm at my worst. He always gives me his warm hugs every time we see one another. We text each other every other day because we see each other a lot by us being neighbors. He lets me get his new car. He is great with my children taking them to school and stuff like that but there is only one thing...we have never went out together on a date. He would invite me over to his place and he would fix the mood as if we are out on a date and have candle lit dinners and movie. Its so romantic but we have not been out yet. I don't know if we are in a relationship or just good friends, I just play by the music not asking him what are he and I are doing because I don't want to mess up things since it seem as if we are into a relationship already and it's only been 2 months since we met. So I need your advice to know am I doing the right thing by keeping my mouth closed or do I need to take a chance and bring up to him and ask what are we doing even if he may get cold feet like most men do and start backing off.
Generally speaking, I would say that candle lit dinners and romantic movies at home are pretty much dates. In fact, doing this at home is probably a lot more intimate really than it would be if you went out together. My personal preference is to be up front about things. You can say to him that you are really enjoying spending time with him and looking forward to what this relationship may bring. Could it make him back off? I suppose so. But all evidence to the contrary.
On the other hand, you could just ask him out on a date and see what he says. Something like “hey, would you like to have dinner out this week?” If he hesitates, at least it’ll give you a gauge on how quickly to move.
The bottom line is that if you don’t take risks then nothing happens. If you’re content to just sit back and let things happen as they happen, then doing nothing isn’t a horrible choice. But if its bothering you….if you’re finding yourself confused by mixed signals or wanting to be more “official” about things then you might as well just go for it. Given that you’re seeing a lot of each other, he’s already very involved in your life and he’s fixing you romantic dinners and is physically affectionate…I think there’s a pretty good chance you two are on the same page.
I have a 20 year old daughter that is dating a 20 year old male. They have been dating for about 8 months. His childhood was not a good one from what he has told my daughter. I am starting to notice red flags (well in my opinion red flags). It seems over time my daughter is being taken away from us. I feel she is being isolated from us. She still lives at home with us but since dating him, she is with him 24/7. I believe she is also pregnant. I understand being in love and wanting to be together and all that but she is not herself anymore. Just last night we were discussing the holidays with the both of them and he stopped me from talking and said no, my daughter is staying with him at his mom’s (he still lives at home also) Christmas Even and morning and then they will be over for 1 hour Christmas morning. All of her time is with him. If they are not together, he is calling her. If he cannot get a hold of her, he is calling me questioning where she is. He has always been nice to us and our other children. I just feel uneasy about the whole situation. My daughter and I have always been extremely close but since she started dating him, we only talk maybe once or twice a week when she is stopping by to shower and get more clothes to stay with him. (she is not allowed to shower at his house). I am scared for her and the baby if she is pregnant. How do I address this with her? Am I overreacting? What do I do?
I don’t think it’s overreacting to feel concerned at this point. But I want to suggest that you try to stay calm for two reasons. One, because children (of all ages) notoriously are drawn to the things that their parents disapprove of and making a huge scene about this relationship may just strengthen her resolve to be in it. And two, because at 20 years old, it’s entirely possible that they are in that all-consuming relationship phase and that things will mellow out over time.
Ok, so let’s talk about communication and boundaries. The best thing you can do, I think, is to establish open communication with your daughter and boundaries with both your daughter and her boyfriend. Let your daughter know that you are feeling like she’s been distant and that you are really interested in reestablishing your connection. Don’t make it about the boyfriend. Make it about spending time together and bonding. And then draw some clear boundaries. For instance, if she’s going to be living in your house, its not unreasonable to ask her to spend some time with you guys…maybe some shared family meals or something along those lines. This one is tricky because if you push too hard, it may result in her moving out completely. But you’re going to have to accept the fact that she’s an adult and that may happen anyway.
Ok, now with the boyfriend. The next time he calls you to check up on her, let him know that you are not responsible for keeping track of her and that you’d rather he not call you for this reason. Be kind but firm. It’s not appropriate for him to be checking up on her, especially with you. If he had a rough childhood, he may be dealing with all kinds of trust and control issues. These do not make him a bad person but it does make it that much more important for you to maintain firm and loving boundaries with both of them.
If you can get the lines of communication running more smoothly with your daughter, then maybe you can find a way to address some of your concerns in a way that does not make her feel like you’re trying to run her life. You can have healthy relationship discussions in a more general way. The control issues may work themselves out once the intensity of the relationship dies down or they may get worse. Helping to equip your daughter with the tools she needs to recognize unhealthy relationship elements and deal with them is the best thing you can do for her as a mother.
I'm including a diagram from the-lookout.org.uk for your consideration. As you can see, some of the behaviors that you’re noting as red flags do fall into the unhealthy category but that may simply be a signal that there are things that need to be worked out, not that the relationship is ultimately bad or doomed.
Wishing you luck and patience.
Is there any hope for an insanely jealous wife? She thinks I sneak women in the house while she’s sleeping. I don’t work. Hardly ever leave the house. Still she is totally convinced I am having affairs. Making my life a living hell.
There’s always hope but I do think you guys need some help. I’m not sure what’s going on here. Have there been trust issues or infidelities in the past? Has your wife been especially stressed out? I would suggest seeking some marriage counseling. It sounds like there’s a lot going on here and I think having someone who can help you work on all your issues in a safe and supportive environment is a really good idea. Look for marriage counselors in your area. And good luck!
Don't be shy! Say what's on your mind and get a good dose of perspective in return.