I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 3 and a half years now. For about a year now, we’ll only have sex maybe once a month. What am I doing wrong? Do I need to spice things up somehow? Is she not attracted to me anymore? Does she still even love me? How can I tell and how can I bring passion back into our relationship?
The fizzle of your sex life could be related to any number of factors. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong and it doesn’t mean she’s not attracted to you anymore. But what it does mean is that you guys should talk about it. If you’re wanting more sex, talk to her. Ask her how’s she’s feeling about your sex life. Be honest. Tell her you’re worried about it and that you want to find ways to be more intimate. This is about the two of you together, so let her know how you’re feeling and ask her for her help in sorting it out.
And here’s a tip. Sometimes reigniting the passion in your life might have to do with the least likely things so be open to what she has to say. Sometimes we get into ruts. We feel unappreciated in our relationships or in our homes. Sometimes just offering to cook dinner or do the dishes is an awfully romantic gesture. This is why talking is so important. Don’t just talk about sex, talk about life. Find out how she’s feeling about home life and work. Find out what stresses her out, what she’s worried about. And tell her about you too. Reconnecting outside the bedroom is sometimes very helpful is sparking things up under the covers.
Instead of worrying that she might not love you, take this opportunity to reach out to her. In long-term relationships, passion often comes and goes in waves, partly because we get comfortable and settle into a routine. When we start losing intimacy, sometimes we get really focused on sex. But I would encourage you to focus on intimacy, even when it doesn’t involve sex.
Was wondering if you had advice on how to please a man sexually, as in getting him off. I have a hard time with oral.
There are lots of ways to please a man sexually that don’t involve oral. I’m going to suggest searching for “sex tips” on Google and experimenting. I’m not going to give specific advice because when it comes to sex, everyone is different. Talk to you partner and try things that you’re both comfortable with. Don’t get discouraged. But don’t feel like you have to do something you don’t like to do either…there are plenty of other options.
I'm in my early 20s and when I first got to college, as someone who didn't have many dates before that, indulged in many one-night stands and also, on several occasions, paid for sex. I bitterly regret doing the latter, because I know it's a mixed thing morality wise, many of the women are forced into it and it's also illegal. I wasn't aware of these things until I'd stopped. I couldn't believe I did something that in many ways is a horrible thing for women. I did treat the women with respect and it was consensual. I'm worried because I know that many women don't like the idea of a man hiring an escort because it can be degrading or whatever, but these things never crossed my mind. I keep telling myself I'm human, and being human, you make mistakes but I can't shake these bad decisions. My promiscuity is in the past and I really want to have relationships in the future, but did I already blow my shot? Do I even have to share this? I wouldn't judge a woman over her sexual past but I don't know if any future partners would feel the same.
You are neither the first nor the last college kid who went a little overboard with the newfound freedom of adulthood. The fact that you now recognize the downside to your past behavior is actually pretty darned self-aware…a lot of people never reach that kind of awareness. There are only two ways that your behavior could impact your future relationships: 1) if you were unsafe and ended up with a sexually transmitted infection as a result, and 2) if you can’t find a way to forgive yourself for your actions.
Starting wit the first issue: one of the risks of sexual promiscuity is the spread of sexual transmitted infections (STI). If you pick something up along the way, there could be health related issues for you and, of course, it could affect future sexual relationships. Does that mean you can’t have a relationship? Of course not! But I would suggest an STI screening with your local doctor or public health clinic so that you will know for sure whether there is anything to worry about. This is one way to take responsibility for your past behavior.
Second, let’s talk about your emotional well-being. You’re carrying around a lot of guilt and while it’s good that you’re thinking carefully about the implications of your actions, you’re going to have to find a way to forgive yourself. I knew a lot of people in college who were heavy into drugs and alcohol. There was a lot of rampant and unsafe sex going on. You’re not alone and you’re not a bad person for having had a lot of casual sex. But you may not have realized at the time how this behavior was going to affect you emotionally in the long-term. That’s the problem with sex. It feels great but it carries a lot of emotional weight for both men and women. And now that you understand that, you can make more informed decisions for yourself moving forward.
You are not obligated to share the details of your sexual experiences with anyone. It’s yours. It’s private. But please make sure you’d not hiding it. Know what I mean? If you’re keeping it a secret because you’re ashamed of it, then maybe it’s time to talk with a counselor about it.
Moving forward…Make sure that you know you have a clean bill of health so that you don’t put your partners at risk. And then move on with your life. Be respectful. Have fulfilling relationships. Have amazing, consensual sex. You’re human. Learn from your mistakes and embrace your life.
Hi, I am 62, my boyfriend is 65, I have at my age a huge libido urge, I could have sex everyday, but my boyfriend cannot return the favor, this is my first relationship in over twelve years, before I did not have any sexual urge, mainly I wanted to be in LOVE, I am now, but this is not satisfying me, can my boyfriend get a boost of testosterone to help me? I am going crazy waiting till he is ready for sex!!!
If the lack of sex is causing problems in your relationship then I would suggest seeing a doctor to see if there is something they can do to help. I’m not a doctor so I have no specifics for you on what might be available, but there are a lot of physical and psychological factors that can cause issues with sexual function and a medical doctor is probably a good first step in that process.
I’m also going to suggest that your current situation is actually a good sign. If you haven’t had sexual urges in many years and are now having them with this man, its probably a sign that you’ve found what YOU need in this relationship to reignite your own sexual desires. Have you considered other means of getting sexual satisfaction while you work out some of the physical problems? Intercourse isn’t the only means of achieving sexual pleasure. Maybe you and your boyfriend (if you’re both willing) could do a little experimentation (with or without gadgets). It could be a really good opportunity to be intimate and to communicate, even if it doesn’t involve traditional sexual intercourse.
I have been married for 15 years and am no longer happy because there is no sex in my marriage. My husband takes mountains of prescription drugs and cannot sustain an erection even with Cialis. I want to have sex but know an outside relationship would end my marriage. I am 69 years old. How can I get my needs met?
I’d suggest two things. I am assuming that you’d like to stay married, you’re just frustrated at the lack of sex. If you are otherwise happy in your marriage, I’d suggest having a talk with your husband’s doctor about your continued problems. There may be options other than Cialis that will help get things functioning properly again. That’s my first suggestion.
Second suggestion. Get a vibrator. Honestly, at the end of the day, finding ways to meet your sexual needs on your own might take the edge off while you’re pursuing other options for having sex with your husband. It’s a lot less complicated than having extramarital affairs and you might find that it does the trick. Then you can focus on having a happy marriage regardless of whether sex plays a large part.
I'm a 43yr old man been married for 17 yrs. I love my wife! Have no sex drive! Every thing works fine just no drive????
I am not a medical expert but I would suggest that you go see your doctor. There are a lot of physical and psychological things that can affect sex drive so I’d start with the physical and then work your way through the possibilities.
First of all let me say sorry for my bad spelling...We are married for 13 years but have been together for 19. We still love the other but our sex life is as much fun as pulling teeth. I am the husband. I’m straight but I love anal sex. My wife walked in on me once and was not happy. She says she is not into what I’m into. I still play solo. How can I get her to join in with me. We both are in our early 40s.
Part of being in a healthy relationship (married or not) and being a respectful sexual partner is learning to take no for an answer. So, the answer to your question is simple. You can ask your wife to join you. If she says no, that’s it. You may feel disappointed but maybe there are other things she is willing to try with you to spice things up. Either way, if she’s not into the things you’re into, you need to let it go. There’s nothing wrong with going solo as long as it’s not causing problems in your relationship. If you continue having problems, I’d suggest finding a counselor to talk to…someone who can help you guys find some common ground when it comes to sex.
And one little hint…for women, intimacy is often associated in our minds with non-sexual things. Do you spend quality alone time together? Do you help her around the house? Do you guys have date nights? It may sound crazy, but you might find that looking for non-sexual ways to connect with your wife may actually improve your sex life too.
Well here it goes. I live next to this married lady and she is very sexy and she wants me to sleep with her and I really would like to but don’t know if I should. And here’s another one. I have an aunt that I want to sleep with. Should I? And I have a cousin that is very hot and I want to make love to her. I have for a long time.
Whoa there. Ok, putting the woman next door aside for a moment, let me say that sleeping with either your aunt or your cousin would be wildly inappropriate, could be emotionally traumatic to you or them, AND would most likely cause problems for your whole family. Don’t do it.
Ok, now let’s go back for a moment. I’m going to give you a few things to think about. I don’t know how old you are. If you’re a teenager, I could almost understand (hormones and all) wanting to sleep with everyone in sight. The answer, of course, is still no, wildly inappropriate. But hormones make us feel kind of crazy that way and learning about appropriateness is part of life.
So, let’s say, hypothetically that you’re 40 or 20 or 50 or 85. As a healthy, sexually active adult, you “should” want relationships with people who are sort of similar to you age-wise, relationship-wise, etc. If you’d just been asking about the married woman, I’d ask you some questions. For instance, have you considered how your sexual relationship with the neighbor might affect her marriage, her family, her emotional well-being? I’m all for healthy, responsible sex but having sex with someone who’s married is already complicated and stressful and emotionally irresponsible so, it’s not advisable.
That coupled with the fact that you want to have sex with two of your relatives has me concerned. That you’re asking me this question tells me that you might need to work on your own understanding of what is appropriate and possibly establishing boundaries for yourself. Talking with someone about healthy relationships and strategies for seeking those types of relationships could be really helpful.
I need to know how to handle a friend (living with me and having casual sex and tells me he loves me) that likes to text other girls he claims are his friends constantly? And when I question him about it he gets mad? How do i handle this?
I think perhaps you and your friend have different expectations in your relationship. Your question calls him a “friend” and mentions “casual sex.” Given these definitions, I’d say that it probably baffles your friend that you even ask him about the girls he texts. For him, there may be nothing inconsistent about his behavior. You are friends. Check. You have sex. Check, check. And he loves you. Check. I can imagine him thinking “What’s the problem here?’’
My guess is that the problem lies in your expectations. It sounds to me like you want to be more than friends. Is that true? If not, than why would it matter that he’s texting other girls? And it’s a tricky situation you’re in. If you have been friends for a long time and now you want more, your relationship is going to change one way or another. If he wants more too, maybe you’ll end up in an exclusive, intimate relationship. However, if he doesn’t want that….say, that’s not what he signed up for and he’s not interested…you run the risk of losing the friendship.
So, how to handle things is really up to you. If you want to keep things the way they are, you’re going to have to work on your own expectations. You can’t have a drama-free, casual-sex having friendship if you’re not both on the same page. If you’re not “together” than you really don’t have much ground to stand on in expecting him not to text other girls. Know what I mean?
Life is full of these messy, awkward, hard truths. The fact that you’re already living together and having sex is going to make it complicated if you’re at cross-purposes for where the relationship is headed. So I would suggest taking a moment to think about what you want. Whatever direction you head, you will have to deal with the consequences so make sure you’ve taken time to consider the options and what you stand to gain or lose by making the decisions you make.
Relationships are ridiculously convoluted no matter what it looks like so be confident in your choices and know that life goes on.
Just wanted to ask a question, how long before meeting someone new, that you should sleep with them?
Hmm, maybe now…maybe never. Deciding to sleep with someone is such an incredibly personal decision and there are a lot of considerations. My own personal feeling is that the younger you are, the longer you should wait. People (especially women) often read so much more into sexual encounters that it’s good to know where you are in your life and how sex is going to affect you…and often that kind of self-awareness comes with time and experience.
On the other hand, I’m not a prude when it comes to sex and I don’t see anything wrong with having some good safe and consensual sex at whatever point feels comfortable to you. Where my cautious side sets in is on the topic of safety. Not knowing someone well….let’s say, same day you meet someone new…exposes you to risks to both your physical health and your emotional well-being. Of course there are no guarantees ever, but spending time getting to know someone will give you a better sense of who they are and where they’ve been. Sex is stinking fantastic but not enough to wind up with some life-threatening disease or to end up alone with someone violent or abusive.
So, let me put it this way. Don’t have sex without thinking about it first. Consider the options and what you hope to get out of the situation. Don’t wait until clothes are coming off and you’re too caught up in the passionate stuff to make an informed decision for yourself. Otherwise, have fun and be safe.
Don't be shy! Say what's on your mind and get a good dose of perspective in return.