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Dear Amy,
What should you do if you haven't talked to your boyfriend in 2 weeks??? He says he doesn't have a phone and I believe him but I don't think its good for our relationship!?? So please help me. BTW I'm 15!! Dear Incommunicado, After reading your question, I found myself wondering how you met your boyfriend. I would have assumed you’d met him at school given your age, but then I wondered why you haven’t seen him for two weeks. Clearly, I’m missing something. But either way, I think my advice would be pretty much the same so I’m going to press on. It stinks not to be able to talk to your boyfriend everyday or even just more regularly. And yes, it does make a relationship difficult BUT not impossible. I would suggest finding other ways to communicate. Here are some suggestions:
Ok, so one last thought. If your boyfriend disappears for large periods of time, this may not end up being the kind of relationship that’s going to be comfortable for you. And it’s okay to understand that about yourself. You are absolutely entitled to decide what kinds of things you like and are willing to live with in a relationship. You can’t make someone else fit that mold if they don’t (round peg, square hole) but recognizing the things that you need in a relationship will make it more likely that you find someone who meets those needs. Wishing you good luck. Amy Dear Amy,
My boyfriend and I have been dating almost 8 months. He moved in with me in September. Everything has been wonderful until Friday night. I went to get on his phone because mine was dead and there was a message from some girl. All the messages had been erased except one saying that it doesn't make any sense you saying your happy with her but you wished you would have waited so when I asked about it he told me it was nothing but I feel like it is. Should I feel like I'm breaking on the inside or did my insecurities outweigh my rational side. I love him and don't want to lose him so how would I go about letting this go without causing distance and a potential break up. Dear Stumbled, Oh, the trouble cell phones cause. I really don’t think this is as bad as it seems. Nothing you saw seems to indicate anything other than a conversation that was going on. You have no context, but you also have no reason to suspect anything. Right? Texts are the most useful and yet destructive invention of the modern world (my opinion). When we text, we assume privacy where it doesn’t exist. Unlike a conversation in person, texts stick around. Had your boyfriend had this conversation, whatever it was, in person with this girl, you’d never have known about it and it never would have caused you a problem. So, here’s the bottom line. You love your boyfriend. Everything is going great. There it is. Let’s re-envision this text conversation as follows: BF: I’m loving living here with her, but it’s hard getting used to living with someone. Maybe I should have waited. Concerned Girl: It doesn’t make any sense, you saying you’re happy with her but you wished you would have waited. BF: You’re right. I’m just being silly. Thank you concerned friend for setting my mind at ease. Could it have gone that way? Imagine if the conversation were like that, your boyfriend just talking to one of his friends about his concerns (after all, moving in together is a big step). That happens all the time actually. We all do that, right? And when we talk to our friends, we don’t always say things the way we’d say them to our partner. I know I wouldn’t want my boyfriend reading my texts without context. When I talk to my friends, I feel free to say what’s on my mind. And I let my friends give me perspective…just like I’m doing for you now. If your boyfriend tells you its nothing and he’s never given you a reason to doubt him, don’t start now. We spend way too much time making something out of nothing and technology really makes it so much more complicated. Focus on your great relationship with your loving boyfriend and let this one go. Amy Dear Amy,
I've been with my boyfriend 12 yrs and have 3 kids. He s cheated sooo many times in 12 yrs but last one I found out hurt worst they were 20 mins from me and my kids. He drove and drives her van and in October I found they had been living together for last two years while I begged every night and day for him to stay with us. He wants to be together with me and for me to forget the past but we don't live together nor does he want me to know where he lives. I have the kids but living with family so he isn't allowed there due to their anger for my hurt from him. Other then a little bit of support, I’ve had to provide for me and the kids with very little help. He gave me his phone code to unlock it but gets mad if I look every once in awhile. Gave me his email passwords not Facebook password. He has female friends I don't know he's known and last 1 year or so. I tried to be friends with them but she ran and tell him everything we talked about. He talks to her everyday call or text but she has a boyfriend and her and my boyfriend work out once a week or so. Hard because I've wanted so long for us to bond and workout together but after 3 years of being a personal trainer he got me 7 day pass after 3rd day he never took me back using excuses. He takes me to school and brings me home spending more time with us. Says wants to take care of us but won't get a job that pays enough to do that. Nor wants to watch kids so I can get a job to help. Pays cheaper stuff but refuses to help with car payment and insurance. Talks about loves me and wants us together. I get jealous because he can do what he wants go where he wants hang out with whoever and I have kids every night and day. I’m not free. Love my kids and he argues he's not free he's home yet I do see his text talking about going here and there he doesn't tell me. Is this worth trying or just walk away even with kids? Please help so tired. Dear Tired, I’m going to lay down some hard truth here. Your boyfriend doesn’t understand what being in a relationship with you and what being a father to his kids really means. And I’m afraid you’re letting him get away with some pretty bad behavior. I can understand that you love him and want him to be a part of your lives, but you have three children who need more from him (and from you). They need a father who takes responsibility for them. That means paying child support and helping with the kids. These are really not options. The minute he fathered those children he became obligated to care for them. If he can’t understand that on his own, you may need to make things more formal through the courts or through counseling at the least. But they need more from you too. They need you to advocate for them, to make sure that they are being taken care of because as they grow up, they’re going to feel the emotional effects of having a father who isn’t there for them. When you say that you’re stuck at home but he’s free, that’s partly because you’re letting him be free by not holding his accountable. I promise you no Judge is going to accept the “when its convenient” form of fathering going on here. But it’s going to continue until you put a stop to it. This isn’t really just a matter of walking away. Whether the two of you are romantically involved or not is really just a secondary concern. First, get the situation with the kids worked out and that’ll give you a better idea of where you and he stand. Write down your expectations. Be reasonable and do what is in the best interest of your children. Create ways to hold their father accountable for taking care of them too. You’re going to have a relationship with this man forever, regardless of what it looks like so now’s a good time to start making it more functional and healthy for everyone. And on a personal note, there’s never a good reason to have access to your partner’s email or Facebook account. If you feel you need access, then something is very wrong. And from what you’ve described here, I’d say he’s given you more than enough reasons not to trust him so whatever you’re looking for you’re likely to find. Don’t put yourself through it. I know this is hard and I can really understand how exhausting this must be but the truth is that you’re going to have to be strong and insist that he respect you, if not as his girlfriend, at least as the mother of his children. What he’s showing you now is not respect and it is not love. You deserve better and only you can make sure that you get better. Amy Dear Amy,
I've been in a relationship for a very long time and am very bored and lonely. We do have three kids together. The problem is he never pays any attention to me. He’s always on the computer and I'm doing household chores. When I do say something to him like we never do anything together he thinks I'm bitching. I think he would rather jack off then have sex. I'm so bored I'm thinking of ending this. Help! My family means a lot to me but I'm unhappy and feel alone most the time anyway. What should I do? Dear Lonely, Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon problem. Computers, with all their wonderful and useful functions, have really taken a toll on relationships. The same goes for phones, tablets…technology in general. It’s much easier to give your attention to the almighty screen than to have to deal with the realities of another person’s wants, needs, emotions… The feelings that you’re having are real and are going to significantly impact your relationship whether he acknowledges that there is a problem or not. So what you’re going to need to do is to make him see that there are some serious issues you guys need to address. Maybe you are bitching a little bit…I know I did plenty of bitching once I was finally so fed up that I couldn’t find any other way to communicate. My suggestion to you is to take a breath and try to reframe the conversation. At the end of the day, this isn’t about him being on the computer or you doing all the housework. It’s about a lack of intimacy that’s developing as a result of those other symptoms. Just like the common cold, treating the symptoms only makes you feel better temporarily. So what does it look like to reframe the conversation? First, you need to get him involved in solving the problem. If he’s not invested, its not going to work. Talk to him about how the situation feels to you and how it’s negatively affecting the relationship. Don’t accuse. Ask him how he feels and be open to his answers. Try to be kind to one another. Maybe you can come up with some ways to improve things…date nights, common interests. Intimacy isn’t just about sex so look at creative ways to reconnect. And, if he’s willing, it might be a good time to seek a couple’s counselor to help with the process. Wishing you the best of luck. Amy Dear Amy,
I'm in high school (last year). My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months on the 19th. School is halfway over and he wants to move to away for college from 4-6 years of schooling. Me on the other hand, I'm staying here to go to college. I have been worried about it for a while and I know it's probably typical, but what do you think of long distant relationships? I feel it will be hard but I'm willing to take the chance of it means being with him in the future. Any advice for this? Dear Long Distance, The big challenge in maintaining a healthy long distance relationship is keeping the lines of communication open. Because you won’t be physically near one another, you have to create the intimacy in your relationship in other ways….mostly via talking, texting, emailing, Skype and whatever other modes of communication are open to you. People do this all the time with varying degrees of success. Consider all the military families that keep their relationships going even with long separation. Does it always work? No. But it is possible if you are both willing to talk openly and to support one another. So, one thing that I would have you consider is this. You’re both very young and you’re going to experience some really big things now in college and you’ll be experiencing it apart from one another. If you want to stay together, then do so. But be willing to be open and honest with one another as things change in your lives. That way, no matter what happens, your relationship will always be a happy place for your both. Sometimes we get stuck on the idea of what we think should happen and we forget to allow for people to change and grow. Be flexible. Be kind. Be there for one another. Amy Dear Amy,
Me and my boyfriend are having problems with Facebook. He's from Dallas. He has a lot of old friends. I don't have a problem with that but now he has females sending friend requests. Still not a problem. But there was one today and I asked him today who was the new friend. First, he was all surprised like he didn't know. Well he doesn't know her but she had some of the same friends on her page that are his friends too so he felt like he should accept her. I have a problem with that. Our profile pictures are the same. We are together in our profile pictures, says in a relationship on both pages. Why would you friend someone you don't know that's clearly taken? Why friend someone if you’re not going to talk to them. I would never do that out of respect for their other half. He has one that was his friend. I sent her a friend request she accepted then a couple days later unfriended me. Her reason was she didn't know me well. Why did she accept at all? She would comment on his pictures like I was not even in the picture. I think a man that lives with another women should not have a bunch of single girls as friends. And its all girls on messenger. Am I an idiot? Dear Frustrated, No, you’re not an idiot. You’re just allowing yourself to be torn apart by the mystery and magic of social media. Facebook is a wonderful tool for “connecting” with other people and for keeping in touch with old friends. The truth is that people often “friend” people they don’t really know. Some people are more reserved. Some people aren’t (and some people friend everyone in sight without really thinking much about it). At the end of the day, your feelings about his Facebook friends are probably rooted in different understandings of “friendship.” Is it reasonable to expect that coupled people not have single friends? Probably a little. He’s not hiding you or your relationship so there shouldn’t really be an issue with him having a whole gaggle of single girl (and guy) friends right? Don’t worry. I’m not dismissing your feelings. My boyfriend has female friends on Facebook too and they comment on his photos sometimes like he’s alone in the picture and yes, it bothers me sometimes even though I try not to let it. You’re human. It’s ok to be human. But I would like you to consider some things. First, has your boyfriend given you any reason not to trust him? If not, have any past relationships had big trust issues? Experience tells me that there’s something trust-related that’s making you feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t have to be a problem with your current relationship. It could be something else. But whatever it is, I would try to identify it and work on it because we live in a seriously digital age and sites like Facebook aren’t going away. Controlling who he’s friends with or who you’re friends with won’t take way those feelings of jealousy or insecurity. So, I’m going to tell you something very true and revolutionary and if you can accept it, it might just change your life. Not everyone thinks like you. I struggle with that one. Facebook isn’t a dating site so not everyone who “friends” someone else is looking for love. It’s also true that not all “friends” are FRIENDS. Facebook introduces a complicated and crazy dimension to friendship that we often don’t have to deal with in face to face interactions. But if you can accept that other people’s intentions might be different from what you think…and, you and your boyfriend have a good relationship…then I would try to categorize Facebook as a crazy-making, awesome, fun, insane thing that doesn’t really reflect reality that closely. Breathe. Amy Dear Amy,
Ok so my boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 months and well we went to the high school football game (I'm in middle school) and the game was about 5 hours away and the school took some students and me and bf were some of the students that got to go. and we were going to sit together at the game but my friend kept telling me that he doesn't love me and stuff so then he asked me aren't we going to sit together? and I told him why don't you sit with her (referring to his ex that's like 4 years older than him) and he said no what's your problem I don't like her. and I said okay! and I was trying to make him jealous and I kept telling my friend like wow look at that guy and stuff like that. and my boyfriend whispered something to his fiends ear and his friend turns around and tells me that he's breaking up with me and I was crushed but I pretended that I didn't care and then yeah like 15 min later I find out that his dating his ex again and just went walking with my friends to buy a water and I was crying and I saw them holding hands and stuff. and yeah when I went to buy the water a really hot boy was there (he's the one that's selling the water) and he kept looking at me and stuff and I kept going to buy stuff and well at the end I ended up with his phone number and before I left the game I got to chill with him for a awhile and he's in my grade and my age and plays sports and is just perfect. and my ex found out and got a little jealous and like my ex kept talking and playing around with me and stuff like he use to do when we were dating and stuff and well yeah he told me he was only dating the other girl to make me jealous but I just didn't care anymore I was in love with the other boy. and the next day me and the other guy were chatting (since my phone broke I have to use my ipod but I’m getting a new one today) and we were flirting and stuff but that's basically all we’ve been doing.. idk if he’s going for me or not? cause like he told me I’m gorgeous and stuff and that he really likes me but the problem is that we live too far like 4 hours away..and he told me that he doesn't know what to do cause his friends told him just to ask for a nude picture and never talk to me again but he doesn't want to do that, and that he really likes me and wants to date me but we live too far and stuff but we've been talking like for 4 days now and we talk like from getting out of school to sleeping at night, and he’s been wanting my phone number so bad but idk why to be honest (I think he wants to talk to me on phone or facetime me) but I cant give it to him until I get my new phone which is today but I just wanted to ask you.. am I making a mistake with this guy..i honestly don't know if we are going to start dating or not. Dear Dating, I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up sounding like your mother here but please believe me when I say that I remember going through all this relationship stuff when I was your age and I know how complicated and overwhelming it can be. Here’s the truth. You’re going to date lots of boys and some are going to be awesome and some not so much. Your friends are going to complicate matters by telling you what they think about the boys. And you’re going to have to decide what you want to do and live with the consequences despite your friend’s best intentions. So, I suggest taking this opportunity to say to yourself “I am completely capable of making my own decisions and even if it isn’t what you think I should do, I am confident in my ability to be in charge of my own life.” Phew. Ok, so now let’s talk about nude pictures and Facetime. I would tell you this and I would give the same advice to my 40 and 50 year old friends. Don’t send nude photos. And, if you Facetime or Skype or whatever, don’t do anything naked or sexual. The minute you do and you send it out in the world on your phone or computer, you lose control of it and it will come back to haunt you. Believe me, being a teenager is hard enough without providing people with things they can use against you later. (And a note to the boys and men of the world, penis pictures are not sexy. Period.). Ok, off that soapbox and onto your other issues. You’re in middle school. The boy you want to date lives many hours away. You can have a relationship with him but its mostly going to be long distance so maybe just work on being friends. It’s much easier to be long distance friends and have it turn into something more than to date under these terms and at your age. That’s my humble opinion. And don’t send him nude photos! (Sorry, I couldn’t help but get that in there one more time). The window of opportunity for having fun with your friends and being young gets shorter every day. There will come a time when you have to work and be an adult and you never get this time back so enjoy it! Try not to get too drawn into boy drama and learn to make your own choices based on what feels right for you. That skill will serve you well your whole life. Amy Dear Amy,
My boyfriend is looking up his ex girlfriend on Facebook almost daily, I confronted him and he tells me all he wants is me. I am worried he is still into her if he keeps looking her up. I am divorced and am living with my boyfriend of three years. He treats me good and I am happy I just don't want to fall in a rut like before. Is this something I should be worried about? Dear Worried, Ok, let’s look at the hard truth here. Your boyfriend may very well still have feelings for his ex. BUT, that doesn’t mean that he isn’t committed to you. I’m going to break away from the people out there who assume that when you go into a new relationship, you completely leave behind the old one. No you don’t! If you loved someone, you are probably going to have feelings for them (at some level) for a long time. Maybe forever. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to move on and it doesn’t mean your boyfriend isn’t telling you the truth when he says that all he wants is you. So, if you can accept that what I’m saying is true, you will find it much easier to move forward. However, I am a little concerned about why you know that he looks her up daily. I’m a firm believer in the idea that cyber snooping is the downfall of many a good relationship. In fact, social media has made privacy a near impossibility. Relationships are built on trust and so my question to you is, how do you know? Has he told you? Have you been watching him? Do you share an account? If you are keeping an eye on his online activities, I would ask you consider why that is. Has he given you any reason not to trust him? Or is it possible that your previous relationship has made you overly sensitive to issues of trust? Or maybe both? So I would consider these things and try to figure out if the issue is with your boyfriend or with you. Or both. It’s at least a little of both because its clearly becoming an issue between the two of you. And then I would address it head-on. Talk with your boyfriend (don’t confront) about how it makes you feel. Instead of accusing, try to help him understand why it’s a problem for you. At this point, he hasn’t done anything wrong. Looking at a person’s profile on Facebook is not necessarily a sign of anything other than nosiness. So try not to make it a battle between you. Talk. Find a place of understanding. And move forward with this person who treats you well and makes you happy. Amy Dear Amy,
I just need to know if I am crazy but when a man takes his phone to the bathroom an takes it with him when he showers keeps it locked up an freaks out if you need to use it. His computer the same way I have to go to my sons to use his computer when mine was down and there is a computer setting in my bedroom that can't be normal he's says I'm over reacting that I'm crazy are jealous that he's completely innocent. HELP! Dear Crazy, No, you’re not crazy. There’s the simple answer. So, in this age of laptops, smart phones and other digital devices, we certainly have issues with privacy. I do believe that people shouldn’t have full access to everyone else’s stuff because if you start looking for something, you’re bound to find it. Or worse. So, there’s this part of me that wonders if he’s cutting off your access because you’ve snooped in the past? Have you? Believe me, I know a whole lot of snoopers and have been one myself which, I can tell you, is always a symptom of something wrong with your relationship (something that needs work or something that is just broken, it depends). If you have not snooped in the past, then his behavior is incredibly suspect. It could be that he had a snooping ex and he’s still gun shy. It could be that he’s just an extremely private person and he’s a little obsessive about protecting his privacy. OR it could be that he’s hiding something from you. Ok, so here’s the rub. Even if you HAVE snooped in the past, his behavior is indicative of something that needs to be fixed. If he doesn’t trust you enough to let you onto the computer in the bedroom that you share then there is a problem. I’m sorry to say it but if there is nothing to find on that computer, there’s no reason not to let you use it. When it comes to the phone, I’m a little more forgiving. I have conversations with my friends all the time that include venting and sometimes I say things that I think better of once I’ve had a chance to calm down. Would I want just anyone reading through those things, no. I want my private thoughts to be my own and when I talk to my friends, I want those words to stay just between us. Texting has created a whole chain of evidence on conversations that would otherwise have not been recorded. It’s an unfortunate side effect of living in the digital age. Our words stay around much longer than we mean them to and it makes casual conversations take on a whole different relevance in our lives. Note on the subject of texting: once you send it, you’ve lost control of it. Will it be spread around, forwarded, used against you in the next argument? Who knows. Think before you text. Ok, back to your boyfriend. Clearly a talk is in order here. Not knowing the details of your relationship with him, it’s hard to know whether his behavior has some grounding in past events. Nonetheless, whether it’s a trust / privacy issue or he’s actually hiding something from you, its important that you talk about the issue now. If you’re sharing a house and a life, you should be able to share a computer. If the computer contains all sorts of important work documents and that’s why he’s nervous about letting you use it, fine. Have the talk. If the computer is full of pornography that he’s afraid you’ll see, that’s a whole different issue and one that needs to be addressed. If he’s regularly chatting up the girl next door and is afraid you’ll find out, then yes, you’ve got a problem. See what I mean? Either way, the situation calls for a good discussion. You’re reacting to his obvious desire to keep you out of his personal space and considering that you seem to be living together, that’s an issue worth talking about. Amy |
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