Just last week my wife told me she wanted a separation. We've been together for 11 years and married for 6. We have 2 little girls. She say's she is no longer happy with who she is in our marriage, she knows she's being selfish, she doesn't love me that way anymore, and she needs her space and this is what she has to do for her. I offered to do whatever to work on our marriage she says I'm too late, that she is done. Neither one of us has the finances to move out and I don't want that anyway. She said she's willing to coexist under the same roof until she can acquire the finances to leave. I'm questioning her fidelity and am wondering if I there is a chance to save this marriage while we both coexist.
Nothing is impossible, but the path you are headed down is a difficult one. Co-existing would be hard work if you were both on the same page, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. If you’re working to save the marriage and she’s simply trying to move out, there’s going to be a lot of conflict. But you have two little girls that need to be in a stable environment so this is what I would suggest. Instead of focusing on your marriage, focus on being the best parents you can to those girls. Seek family counseling to work on coexisting peacefully. If there’s anything to salvage of your marriage, it may come out in counseling. But even if the marriage is over, you’ll be co-parenting for the rest of your lives and doing that well takes a lot of hard work.
I know that’s probably not what you want to hear but I’m worried that the two of you being at cross-purposes is going to make the situation even harder than it already is, both for you and for your girls. And sometimes, stepping back and refocusing on something else that is important can take the pressure off, and maybe you’ll find you and your wife getting along better because you’ll share a common goal.
I Want Out
I want out of my marriage of 5-6 yrs but don't know how to tell her.
Without knowing more about the reasons why you want out of your marriage, the best advice I can offer you is to be compassionate. Are you sure this is what you want? If so, try to be direct but kind. If you’re debating how to tell her, I’m guessing this is going to be a surprise for her and probably very painful. Not all marriages work out, but even if you want to leave yours, you have the opportunity to do so with kindness, compassion and empathy.
I have been married over one year recently. The first week of my marriage my husband physically abused me and with me being out of work I lost everything that I owned before the marriage. He could not provide for me, we moved with his relatives and I found out that he was bipolar and schizophrenic. After the episode of him jumping on me for the third time after he said he would not touch me like that, I left and moved out the state back to my home town. I married my first love so I thought. He drinks a lot and he has done more than smoking weed. He wasn't willing to change at all. My experience has been hell. We talk and he is more hoping I will give in and come back. He is not what I want in a man. He's jealous and wants unusual attention. I'm so exhausted with the mood swings. On the other hand my ex boyfriend of 12/14years we spit up a year almost 2. To make a long story short he wants a relationship with me. Yes we have had a lot of problems as a couple... He's heart is good but I feel like he's pressuring me when I feel like I need to put more focus on me getting my life back together. It's confusing me, I need advice. My ex is telling me how much he loves me and want to support me and I believe him. But is it self motivated.
Please, please, please tell your ex-boyfriend you are not ready for another relationship. Listen, it sounds to me like you’re last few years have been a nightmare and its not unusual to want to cling to something that seems stable when we wake up from that nightmare, right? But you’re already telling me that your relationship with your ex-boyfriend isn’t great so that instinct that is telling you that you need to focus on getting your life back together...listen to that. Your body is telling you this isn’t the right thing. Don’t ignore your instincts! They are there to protect you.
I have a question for you: something to think about and if you want to contact me again, please do. Was there something traumatic that happened to you growing up? What I’m hearing in your letter, the rapid progression from one bad relationship to another, makes me want to tell you to take this opportunity to do some self-exploration. Find a good counselor and focus on yourself. I can tell from personal experience that the moment when you have that “OMG! There’s a pattern to my life” is a liberating time and when you identify the patterns and figure out how to recognize them and make different choices, its pretty much the most amazing thing. You’re whole life will change.
Bottom line, my advice is this: this is you time. Don’t take on a new relationship until you are ready and it feels right. If your ex-boyfriend really loves you, he’ll wait.
My ex-husband and I have a pretty ok relationship, focused primarily on our kids. We have a pretty open arrangement, with me having them during the week and he on the weekends, due to his job's inflexible schedule during the week. The only caveat to this, is he keeps them for a few hours on one weekday night and then I keep them one weekend a month, which gives us both time with and without the kids. He recently decided that he wanted to take the kids to extracurricular activities in the evenings an extra night per week. He did this largely without asking if I was ok with me, but honestly, it wasn't worth arguing over and it allows the kids to see him for about an hour. This past weekend was my weekend with the kids. It was a tiring weekend. The one nice thing about Dad taking them on the weekend is it gives me a chance to refresh from the week of homework, dinner, sibling arguments, etc. This weekend was long, with it being a 4 day weekend. It seems petty, but he just asked me to take the kids to his scheduled event with them so he could take his girlfriend shopping...after spending an entire weekend alone...with no kids! The worst part of this is telling the kids that their regular event with Dad won't be happening and I'll get to deal with the fallout of him cancelling on them. I'm not going to lie, I am a teeny bit disappointed, as I have gotten used to my one hour reprieve in the evening...
Am I being unreasonable? I know I have it pretty good. My kids have a Dad that is around and available and usually putting them first...this just seems a bit selfish on his part.
It is not unreasonable to expect your kids dad to keep his promises to them. Setting and maintaining boundaries with ex-spouses, especially when there are kids involved, is infinitely difficult. And honestly, you’re making about a million excuses for him in your letter. Cut that out! His status as overall great dad does not invalidate your feelings about this particular incident. The bottom line is, if he signs the kids up for an activity, especially if he does this without your buy-in, than it is his responsibility to take them. And if he needs to change his plans, he needs to tell them, himself. He is equally responsible for their emotional well-being and its ok for you to hold him accountable.
The trouble with adults – especially spouses and ex-spouses – is that it is hard to hold them accountable for their actions. We’re not kids right? We can’t send each other to time out. Instead, the best we can do for ourselves and for our kids is to be clear about boundaries and expectations. Did you end up taking the kids to their activity? Whether you did or not, make sure that you are clear when you let your ex know that you were not comfortable being put in that position and that it cannot happen in the future. After all, it’s really not about you. It’s about the kids. And they need stability and consistency, especially from their parents.
Oh, and take a deep breath. Dealing with an ex is stressful so give yourself a few minutes to be frustrated. Then you can work on positive steps forward.
Don't be shy! Say what's on your mind and get a good dose of perspective in return.