Okay. I really like this guy, my ex boyfriend & he likes me too. He doesn't even know why I broke up with him and he has been asking me out and telling me his feelings. He just recently asked me out and I have been avoiding the message but I know I can't avoid him cuz we will see each other all week. The problem is my "friends." I love them but the reason I kept breaking up with him is because of them. They always judge him, and our relationship. They tell me he is bad for me and that I am stupid for dating him. They talk about him all the time and they don't know they are the reason I did this. When we broke up they were so happy and started being really mean to him. They think I'm fine but I’m not. I would go out with him again, right now. But it's the pressure around the school. And coming from your friends it's a lot worse and it hurts. But I love him. And I really want to say yes. I get frustrated easily and I really don't want to cry because of this again in school where everyone can see. It's sucks. Please help.
’d like to think that, as we get older, we learn not to butt into our friends lives but I know its not true. And being in school and in close quarters with people (even friends) who can apply absurd amounts of peer pressure makes standing on your own two feet hard at times. But you can’t let your friends bully you out of having the relationship you want. If they are really your friends, they will respect your decision regardless of how they feel.
Now, having said that, I’m not going to pretend that peer pressure is no big deal. It is and I understand how hard it is to stand up to your friends. But if you don’t learn to do it now, they’re going to keep pushing you in directions you don’t want to go. They may not mean to be cruel, but in telling you how to live your life and refusing to let you make your own decisions in peace, they’re taking away your power. And right now, you’re letting them.
So here’s my advice. If you want to date this guy, do it. If your friends give you a hard time, tell them that you love them for being concerned about you but that they need to back off. They need to treat you with respect and in order to make that happen, you’re going to have to insist that you are treated with respect. Be kind but firm with your friends. Maybe they have a point. Maybe he’s not a great match for you. But guess what? This is your life and as long as you make thoughtful decisions and treat other people with respect, you’ll do just fine.
There is this person who I really like and it just so happens he is my best friend. I really want to go out with him but he doesn’t like me like that. What should I do?
Are you sure he doesn’t like you the same way? The truth is that no matter what happens, it’s probably going to change your relationship with him (at least a little). If you tell him you like him and he doesn’t like you back, it may make things awkward and the friendship may suffer. If you don’t tell him, you’re probably going to find it uncomfortable for a while being around him, which may be ok if you’re more concerned about keeping the friendship. So, what I wonder is, do you know for sure he doesn’t like you that way? Because sometimes, the best relationships are born of being best friends first. Maybe he’s pining for you too?
My best suggestion is to think carefully about the possible consequences of initiating a relationship with him. If you’ve thought it through, then whatever decision you make, at least you’ll be better equipped to deal with the fallout (good or bad).
Wishing you luck,
My wife has gone to house sit for an old friend of hers and visit her friends’ elderly mom each day. Now my wife informs me today that her friends’ husband has invited a guy to come and stay at their house while my wife is there. I don't know this guy and my wife does not know him either. I am not happy about it and told my wife to tell the guy to go get a hotel. She won’t do it.
Dear Not Happy,
I don’t blame you. If your wife’s friend was going to have someone else staying at the house at the same house, she should have cleared it with your wife first. I’m going to assume the best here and chalk this up to a miscommunication, but I think your advice about asking him to stay at a hotel is good. Or have your wife stay at one. Given that neither of you know this guy, it’s not unreasonable to feel uncomfortable with the situation. Most likely he’s a good guy and there’s nothing to worry about, but why take chances? Has your wife talked with her friend about it?
I can understand that your wife may be worried about putting the guy out or being rude, but this situation is complicated and its reasonable to ask him to stay somewhere else until things get straightened out.
I became best friends with this girl my sophomore year of high school. She dated one of my best guy friends, B, and that didn't end well. He really hurt her and since she and I were together a lot I decided to stop being friends with him so that she wouldn't have to see him too much. She told me all the things that happened during the relationship and he had been a total jerk. Because of that I saw the bad in him and completely cut him off. I now know that wasn't the best choice. Now I'm in my senior year of high school and she is dating my only guy best friend. She likes to flirt a lot and she was friends with benefits with B, and my best friend, R, has a history of cheating. I know that if she breaks up with him and hurts him, I'll just lose her. But if he breaks up with her and hurts her, I'll stop being friends with him and resent her for contributing to the end of R's and my friendship. What should I do? I already told them I wasn't okay with their relationship.
You’re going to have to work on being Switzerland, neutral. It’s hard when friends date because it changes the dynamics of the whole social group. But you can’t keep ditching guy friends every time your friend breaks up with one…especially since she seems bent on dating within your social circle. It’s admirable of you to want to shield your friend from discomfort, but you’re sacrificing your own friendships and it doesn’t sound like they’re doing the same. See what I mean?
My suggestion is to lay it out this way…”fine, if you guys are going to date, I want you to understand that if you break up, I’m staying friends with both of you. You may not talk badly about one another to me because you need to be considerate of my feelings.” Sound reasonable? In this way, you’re standing up for your right to have friends and you’re making it clear that you have boundaries. You’re entitled to your own feelings about your friends without having those feelings influenced by their feelings about each other.
You can’t control their behavior, but you can certainly control your own so I suggest taking the focus off of them and putting it on you and what you need to be happy.
Ok, so my question does have something to do with a relationship and I do love her, but it's a friend not like a love relationship question. I am 12 years old and I have a friend who is 14, she is one of my best friends and I look to her as a big sister, but I feel desperate for her attention and I don't know how to get away from that. I love her like a sister and when I'm like on the phone with her or something and people ask who I’m talking to, I say my sister. She gives me advice when I need it, but she never talks to me without me talking to her first, I don’t know what to do to not be so desperate. Please help?!?!
Believe me, friendships are every bit as complicated as any other relationship. I think there are a lot of people who’ve felt the way that you do, including me, and here’s what I’ve learned. When we have really strong emotions about another person, even if its just friendly love, it can get really confused in our minds. And it usually has more to do with us than with the relationship itself. When I feel desperate for someone else’s attention, it’s usually because I’m feeling lonely or I’m feeling down about something going on in my life. The attention from that person makes me feel good so I start to crave it. Does that sound familiar?
What I suggest is taking some time to think about yourself. How are you doing? What’s going on in your life…the good and the bad? What makes you happy? What are you good at? Here’s the thing – if you’re focusing on yourself…doing things that make you happy, developing your talents, taking care of yourself…you’ll begin to feel less needy of someone else’s attention and then you’ll feel better about having her attention to begin with. Does that make sense? What I would guess form reading your question is that you’re worried that your need to talk to your friend is going to push her away or somehow hurt your relationship with her. The best way I know to fix that is to refocus on yourself and work on making sure that you are as happy and healthy as you can be.
Hope this helps.
I am 12 years old and I am having problems right now. There is this guy at school that I've liked for 2 years and I want to talk to him but I am really shy around boys mostly the popular guys. Please help me.
Finding the confidence to talk with people we like is a skill that you’ll be developing forever. Even as adults, we sometimes find it scary and uncomfortable to talk to the people we are interested in. We get nervous because we want them to like us back. And we’re not sure what they’re going to say.
So, my best advice to you comes in two parts: 1) think about all the things that are wonderful about you…the things you like about yourself. Remember that there’s no one else in the world like you. And then, no matter what happens, no matter how someone makes you feel, think about those things. Loving yourself makes you confident, and confidence is one thing you’ll need to get past feeling shy. 2) be yourself. Once you’ve figured out all the things that make you special, don’t try to hide those things by acting differently around this boy, even if he makes you nervous. If he doesn’t like you just the way you are, he’s missing out.
Be brave. Talk to him. Start with hello. Be friends. The best relationships start by finding things that you have in common and sharing those things. And no matter what, believe in yourself. The more you like yourself, the more others will like you.
(P.S. to everyone else reading this, this goes for you too! I think sometimes we forget).
I need help to end this relationship but save our friendship. We were best friends for over three years. He was hurt this summer in a serious car accident and he spent the majority of his time with me every day. I think this caused him to want a relationship, and he pushed it to go further. I went with it. He is in love with me, but I’ve mistaken my friendship love for real love. I tried to make love to him but it is horrible because there is no physical attraction. It does nothing for me. All physical contact makes me feel this way. I let him stay over because of his accident. It caused serious injury on the way home from work to home which is deep in the country and the woods. He stays with his parent but works far away. So I let him stay but since I agreed to the relationship he has not left. I HAVE NO SPACE!! I love him as a friend how do I tell him I love him as a friend and not hurt his feelings.
I am sorry that you are in such a complicated situation. It’s not at all uncommon for feelings to get really confused, especially on the heels of a big trauma. And I’m not sure there’s a simple solution to this problem. He’s probably going to be hurt no matter how gently you tell him and it would be a good idea to prepare yourself for that eventuality. I would suggest being honest but kind with him. Tell him that you’ve been really confused but that you treasure his friendship and don’t want to hurt him. Will that make it better? Probably not. But there’s no harm in letting him know that the reason this is so complicated for you is that you have strong feelings for him….just not the ones he deserves out of a romantic partner.
It’s entirely possible that his feelings about you have also been amplified by the trauma of the accident. You took care of him and his feelings about you romantically are probably all tangled up with those traumatic feelings. So, the hard truth is that its likely going to hurt his feelings…but not half as much as you letting things continue until you are so resentful that you hate each other, right?
And last but not least, figuring out that this isn’t going to work does not make you an evil person. Be kind. Be compassionate. But don’t let yourself be talked out of what you know is the right decision because you don’t want to be the bad guy. You’re not the bad guy. This is a very difficult situation but if you remain empathetic while sticking to your guns, it’ll be ok.
We are best friends with another couple who wind up in an argument or fight almost every time we hang out with them. We have mentioned this to them that it makes us very uncomfortable. Don't want to lose the friendship but it spoils the entire evening. Feeling frustrated!
That sounds incredibly frustrating. There are a whole lot of elements of polite society that I’m glad have been thrown out the door but not fighting in front of company is a strict rule that should stay firmly in place. I’m all for talking things out. Open communication. Yay! Conflict is part of any relationship but people need to hang on to the idea of appropriate time, appropriate place. Sheesh!
Ok, so you need to establish some boundaries with your friends and you’re going to have to be gentle but direct. I had a friend once who is a yeller with her kids. And I’m not. And my kids are not used to yelling in my house so when my friend and her kids would come to visit, the yelling freaked my kids out. So I told her my house was a no-yelling zone. Was it an uncomfortable conversation? Kind of. But there were two things that were important to me in having the conversation. First, I wanted my children to feel comfortable, safe and loved. And second, I wanted to spend time with my friend! And so I told her I love you, I want to spend time with you but no yelling in my house. And it worked.
So, that’s my recommendation. Sit them down and tell them that their friendship is so important to you but the fighting makes it hard to want to hang out with them. Is there a chance that you might lose your friends? Maybe. But most likely it’ll all just blow over and you’ll get some effort on their part to tone it down. Setting boundaries and enforcing consequences with adults is hard but not impossible. And if you don’t’ do something, chances are you’re going to start finding excuses not to hang out with them and that’s worse right?
My boyfriend recently broke up with me about 3 days ago and he asked me if it’s OK to date my friend yesterday. I said its OK to both my friend and my ex but honestly I feel hurt and I'm not good enough. How do I get over him and just not care? I want them both to be happy but I also want to be happy as well.
It’s unfortunate that both your friend and your boyfriend didn’t wait a little bit longer to make the whole situation a little easier on you (sure, sometimes friends date ex's but sheesh, its been 3 days). The truth is, we often say things are ok when they’re not. It may have seemed like it would be ok but being in the situation is a lot different than thinking about it, right? So, I think you have to start by acknowledging that you are hurt…that’s it’s really not ok for them to be dating, even if you said it was…and that it’s absolutely normal for you to be feeling this way.
Now, about getting over him and not caring….hmm, its not likely to happen. Yes, you will get over him but don’t make not caring a part of that or you’re setting yourself up for disaster. You’re going to care. It’s your friend he’s dating so this isn’t going to go away. And you can give yourself permission (in fact, I’m giving you permission too) to feel kind of crummy about the whole thing and to continue feeling a little crummy about it as long as you feel like it.
I would suggest just being honest about how you’re feeling (without being hateful). If you and your friend are going to remain friends then she probably needs to understand that you’re hurting and things aren’t ok right now but they will be eventually. It’s admirable for you to want them to be happy but you don’t have to sacrifice your own happiness or stifle your feelings in order to make that happen.
And one final note…of course you’re good enough. This relationship wasn’t the right one for you but that doesn’t mean that you won’t find one that’s better. Take care of yourself.
An ex of mine and I have been talking a lot lately. The break up for me was devastating and I couldn’t talk to him for 10 years. Bad thing is that he was still in my heart.
Can I still be friends with him now but the feelings are there?
Anything is possible, but I can’t help but sense some trouble on the horizon. What it all really comes down to are your intentions. Do you want to be friends with him or are you hoping for more? If the answer is that you’re looking to get back together, then no, you probably can’t be friends with him without it getting super complicated.
I’m wondering why the breakup was devastating? Is it possible that you’ve been lacking closure on that relationship and that reconnecting with him is bringing up feelings that haven’t been resolved for you? If so, again, I think things will get pretty complicated pretty fast.
The truth is, its not uncommon or unusual even for people to reconnect many years later and it’s not impossible for you to be great friends. But the fact that your relationship ended in such emotional devastation that you couldn’t talk to him for a whole decade makes me wonder what it is you are hoping to get out of a friendship with him. Will it be healing or will it make things harder for you? What are his intentions? These are the things I would encourage you to consider as you move forward.
Don't be shy! Say what's on your mind and get a good dose of perspective in return.