Dear Amy,
My boyfriend recently broke up with me about 3 days ago and he asked me if it’s OK to date my friend yesterday. I said its OK to both my friend and my ex but honestly I feel hurt and I'm not good enough. How do I get over him and just not care? I want them both to be happy but I also want to be happy as well. Dear Okay, It’s unfortunate that both your friend and your boyfriend didn’t wait a little bit longer to make the whole situation a little easier on you (sure, sometimes friends date ex's but sheesh, its been 3 days). The truth is, we often say things are ok when they’re not. It may have seemed like it would be ok but being in the situation is a lot different than thinking about it, right? So, I think you have to start by acknowledging that you are hurt…that’s it’s really not ok for them to be dating, even if you said it was…and that it’s absolutely normal for you to be feeling this way. Now, about getting over him and not caring….hmm, its not likely to happen. Yes, you will get over him but don’t make not caring a part of that or you’re setting yourself up for disaster. You’re going to care. It’s your friend he’s dating so this isn’t going to go away. And you can give yourself permission (in fact, I’m giving you permission too) to feel kind of crummy about the whole thing and to continue feeling a little crummy about it as long as you feel like it. I would suggest just being honest about how you’re feeling (without being hateful). If you and your friend are going to remain friends then she probably needs to understand that you’re hurting and things aren’t ok right now but they will be eventually. It’s admirable for you to want them to be happy but you don’t have to sacrifice your own happiness or stifle your feelings in order to make that happen. And one final note…of course you’re good enough. This relationship wasn’t the right one for you but that doesn’t mean that you won’t find one that’s better. Take care of yourself. Amy Dear Amy,
An ex of mine and I have been talking a lot lately. The break up for me was devastating and I couldn’t talk to him for 10 years. Bad thing is that he was still in my heart. Can I still be friends with him now but the feelings are there? Dear Reconnecting, Anything is possible, but I can’t help but sense some trouble on the horizon. What it all really comes down to are your intentions. Do you want to be friends with him or are you hoping for more? If the answer is that you’re looking to get back together, then no, you probably can’t be friends with him without it getting super complicated. I’m wondering why the breakup was devastating? Is it possible that you’ve been lacking closure on that relationship and that reconnecting with him is bringing up feelings that haven’t been resolved for you? If so, again, I think things will get pretty complicated pretty fast. The truth is, its not uncommon or unusual even for people to reconnect many years later and it’s not impossible for you to be great friends. But the fact that your relationship ended in such emotional devastation that you couldn’t talk to him for a whole decade makes me wonder what it is you are hoping to get out of a friendship with him. Will it be healing or will it make things harder for you? What are his intentions? These are the things I would encourage you to consider as you move forward. Amy Dear Amy,
I have this guy that I like and he said he really likes me to and he introduced me to his kids and family, and now he’s not talking to me on Facebook or texting me. He did say it was going too fast and then he just disappears and I wanna know if I did something wrong? He did say he still wanted to be friends and he’s emotionally unavailable. Dear Vanishing Act, I don’t think you did anything wrong. It sounds to me like this guy has some major baggage he’s working on and he’s just not ready to be in a relationship. He may have introduced you to his family and then panicked. He may simply not know how to keep things casual and given his disappearing act, I think you might want to consider that he’s not suitable relationship material (at least, not right now). Try not to beat yourself up too much. Things will happen when they’re meant to. Amy Dear Amy,
Recently I've moved and find it difficult to make female friends like the ones I had back home. I know it's a new place and I need to give it some time, but it's been over a year and things are still the same. I work at home, so I don't go out much (which I am aware that doesn't help), but I did have a job for 4 months and still no luck. Everyone was very nice when I worked there but as soon as I left, no one kept in touch. I tried to call people and do things but it never worked out. I know I will never have the exact same type of friends like the ones I had before, but I like to meet new and different people, so I wasn't expecting it to be this hard. My best friend moved closer but is still too far to make a daily trip, so I don't get to see her that often. When I do, I feel great for a few weeks, then it's back to having no one around except for my kids (though I enjoy their company very much, I still want to have adult friends). When my boyfriend is around, I'm perfectly fine. I'm happy, busy, and creative. When he leaves for work on his 8 day sessions I want to hang out with people, have adult conversation, and basic interact. Back home all I had to do was go across the street or make a phone call and someone was there. Here I have my neighbors but no one ever wants to do anything. One of them I get along with the husband better than the wife so hanging out with them doesn't work. I always feel extremely uncomfortable and refuse to feel like that any more. I've met a few women and when I tried to hang out with them they were either oogling my boyfriend (which I will have none of) or wound up being absolutely insane (even by my standards). I get depressed often because I literally feel like I have no one to talk to when my boyfriend is gone. There is no social connection here unless I drink, which I don't anymore, and I'm getting frustrated with it all. I even went so far as to sign up on a girl friend hang out website online to find female friends. And though I deleted it (because it was super weird to me), it made me realize something: In high school I got along better with the boys than the girls. I loved to play sports, climb trees, get dirty, and have fun. Even though I liked to dress up sometimes, do my hair, and other basic teenage girl stuff, I still would rather build a tree house if I had a choice. Not to mention the fact that most of the girls I was around were mean as hell. It was pretty much like the movie 'Mean Girls'. (Not to say that the boys were any less mean, but there were a lot fewer who were). In other words, it was less drama being friends with boys. Several years, and a few moves, later I wound up in a place where I made a lot of girlfriends. They were all amazing women, each in their own right, and I loved it. I spent years in this one place with good friends and thought it would be like that everywhere. I found out quickly that it's not. It feels a lot like high school pettiness all over again. That's when I realized, all of my friends, including my male friends, have something in common. They are all strong, loving, loyal, and independent people. Every one of them. Even when they don't feel that they are, they are. They are the people I look up to and that I'm happy to be around because they are very much like me. And that's when I saw that the people I've been trying to be friends with are nothing like that. You see, being strong is different than being stubborn. Being loving is different than being in charge all of the time. Being independent doesn't mean solitude. And some people have no idea what loyalty means. So I believe that this is my problem. I have yet to meet a female friend who has these qualities, therefore we wind up not getting along. Or they get weirded out because I want to do so much stuff, like hang out or have an impromptu BBQ. I feel like I know as soon as I meet them. I give it my best chance and then, BAM!, the person I thought they were in the first place emerges. I'm not going to change who I am so I can make friends who aren't real. That's not me and my friends have always accepted me just the way I am, crazy and all. So my question is: How can I meet friends that are like the ones I had back home? Dear Friendless, You have the answer right in your first paragraph…you can’t. You can’t meet friends just like the ones you had back home. But that certainly doesn’t mean that you won’t make good friends. Even girls. We all think that being an adult is going to somehow magically transport us past all that high school bullshit but it doesn’t unfortunately. It sounds to me like you’re stuck between wanting what you had and embracing your new home. But consider this, you’re in a different place and you may have to take a different approach to making friends. What I’m hearing is that you want female friends who will accept you just as you are (the good and the bad). That’s an excellent goal. What I’m also hearing is that you tended to have more boy friends than girl friends because of the activities they liked to engage in. Have you considered looking for friends based on common interests rather than gender? For instance, maybe you can find a group of proverbial tree climbers and join in. If you’re outdoorsy, look for some hiking groups or learn a new sport. Let the activity come first so that you are enjoying doing something first before you have to worry about meeting people. I moved back to my hometown about 7 years ago and when I arrived I thought “this’ll be great. I have so many friends already.” Guess what, not so much. I was never as lonely as I was in that first year back home. All my old friends had moved on and they weren’t very inviting. I missed the place I moved from. I missed my friends and my life. I worked at home too so I never met anyone. It wasn’t until I joined a civic group that I started meeting people. Most of them weren’t really “friend” material but getting back into socializing made me feel less lonely so it didn’t feel as weird waiting for the good friends to happen. It still took a few years before I really made a small group of close, best friends. But it wasn’t so depressing after I go involved outside of the house. Having a job helps. But people you work with can sometimes be tricky to hang out with outside of work. I would suggest getting involved in other things. You have kids right? Have you thought about volunteering for the school or joining the PTA? Whatever you decide to do, I think you’ll find it less gruesome and trying if you focus on activities and interests before people. The people will come and in the meantime, you’ll feel a lot less isolated. Don’t give up. And just be yourself. It worked before and it’ll work again. Amy Dear Amy,
First of all let me say sorry for my bad spelling...We are married for 13 years but have been together for 19. We still love the other but our sex life is as much fun as pulling teeth. I am the husband. I’m straight but I love anal sex. My wife walked in on me once and was not happy. She says she is not into what I’m into. I still play solo. How can I get her to join in with me. We both are in our early 40s. Dear Experimental, Part of being in a healthy relationship (married or not) and being a respectful sexual partner is learning to take no for an answer. So, the answer to your question is simple. You can ask your wife to join you. If she says no, that’s it. You may feel disappointed but maybe there are other things she is willing to try with you to spice things up. Either way, if she’s not into the things you’re into, you need to let it go. There’s nothing wrong with going solo as long as it’s not causing problems in your relationship. If you continue having problems, I’d suggest finding a counselor to talk to…someone who can help you guys find some common ground when it comes to sex. And one little hint…for women, intimacy is often associated in our minds with non-sexual things. Do you spend quality alone time together? Do you help her around the house? Do you guys have date nights? It may sound crazy, but you might find that looking for non-sexual ways to connect with your wife may actually improve your sex life too. Amy Dear Amy,
I'm not sure I'm able to fall in love with my husband again. We've been married for 9 years and for years (dating and married) he cheated, lied and didn't love me. His love for me could be measured in percentages, as he often told me. I love you 10%, 25% etc. He often went to zero :( As years passed I no longer cared. Now he says he loves me and has changed his cold ways, I believe he does love me now but for years when he didn't, I gradually stopped. Is it possible to fall in love again with someone you almost started to hate? Am I doomed to a loveless marriage for my kids? I love him but not like I should. I'm not In love with anyone else, I loved him so much once that I truly wish I could love him that way again. Dear Wanting, You can’t go backward. Life doesn’t move in that direction. Even if your husband had been good to you (and what you’re telling me says that is not the case) you would still be approaching your relationship now from a different place and a different perspective than you did 9 years ago. Before I get to your question, I want to say that you (and we all) deserve to be with someone who will not withhold love, affection and intimacy from us. Your husband’s previous behavior is shameful really and it cannot be undone. You both need to accept that those years have made an impact on your feelings. That being said, no, you are not doomed to a loveless marriage for the sake of your kids. You’ve admitted that you love your husband still,, though not in the way you did before. And its probably never going to be the way it was before but keep in mind, that’s a good thing. You don’t really go back to being unloved, cheated on, lied to…right? So in making a choice to move forward with your husband, you will need to do some work to rebuild your relationship. Instead of thinking about how things used to be, think about how they could be and how they are. Focus on the things you enjoy doing together. Find new ways to connect. Accept that things are different but that different could actually be better. You can’t change the past but you can choose to live the future on your own terms. You can draw boundaries for yourself. You can find new and creative ways to reignite the romance in your relationship. You can work on being the woman you want to be and having the relationship you want. This is a good time to refocus on you and then work from there at making your relationship something different and better than what it has been. Just please don’t let yourself be loved by percentages. You are worth more than that. Amy Dear Amy,
I need some advice. I'm lesbian and very open with my family but whenever I bring my girlfriend home my dad always gives us dirty looks...what do I do? Dear Dodging, Have you had a talk with your dad about his looks? My feeling is that he’s not super comfortable about something...maybe that you’re a lesbian or maybe your partner or maybe your hairstyle…who knows. But when you’re with your family, you shouldn’t have to endure dirty looks. It’s very passive aggressive behavior and the best way to combat passive aggressiveness is with directness. You say you’re very open with your family but are they open with you about how they feel? Have you and your dad had a conversation about how he feels about your sexual orientation? What is your relationship with your dad like? So, here’s the bottom line. I would find it sort of crazy to have to have a conversation with my dad about my choice in sexual partner….however, I understand that people don’t always react well to things that are “different” (sexual orientation, ethnicity, religious differences, etc). Having an honest and loving conversation with your dad about his looks and how they make you feel is probably your best bet at getting them to go away. On the one hand, he may not even realize you’re noticing them or that he’s making them in the first place. On the other hand, he may tell you some things that you’d rather not hear. And you’ll have to listen to them and try not to get defensive. And you’ll have to set boundaries about how you expect to be treated by your family. Parents have us over a barrel sometimes…we only get the ones we’re dealt and sometimes they’re stubborn. But its worth talking and working with your father so that you and your girlfriend can feel welcome and comfortable around your family. Amy Dear Amy,
Ok so my boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 months and well we went to the high school football game (I'm in middle school) and the game was about 5 hours away and the school took some students and me and bf were some of the students that got to go. and we were going to sit together at the game but my friend kept telling me that he doesn't love me and stuff so then he asked me aren't we going to sit together? and I told him why don't you sit with her (referring to his ex that's like 4 years older than him) and he said no what's your problem I don't like her. and I said okay! and I was trying to make him jealous and I kept telling my friend like wow look at that guy and stuff like that. and my boyfriend whispered something to his fiends ear and his friend turns around and tells me that he's breaking up with me and I was crushed but I pretended that I didn't care and then yeah like 15 min later I find out that his dating his ex again and just went walking with my friends to buy a water and I was crying and I saw them holding hands and stuff. and yeah when I went to buy the water a really hot boy was there (he's the one that's selling the water) and he kept looking at me and stuff and I kept going to buy stuff and well at the end I ended up with his phone number and before I left the game I got to chill with him for a awhile and he's in my grade and my age and plays sports and is just perfect. and my ex found out and got a little jealous and like my ex kept talking and playing around with me and stuff like he use to do when we were dating and stuff and well yeah he told me he was only dating the other girl to make me jealous but I just didn't care anymore I was in love with the other boy. and the next day me and the other guy were chatting (since my phone broke I have to use my ipod but I’m getting a new one today) and we were flirting and stuff but that's basically all we’ve been doing.. idk if he’s going for me or not? cause like he told me I’m gorgeous and stuff and that he really likes me but the problem is that we live too far like 4 hours away..and he told me that he doesn't know what to do cause his friends told him just to ask for a nude picture and never talk to me again but he doesn't want to do that, and that he really likes me and wants to date me but we live too far and stuff but we've been talking like for 4 days now and we talk like from getting out of school to sleeping at night, and he’s been wanting my phone number so bad but idk why to be honest (I think he wants to talk to me on phone or facetime me) but I cant give it to him until I get my new phone which is today but I just wanted to ask you.. am I making a mistake with this guy..i honestly don't know if we are going to start dating or not. Dear Dating, I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up sounding like your mother here but please believe me when I say that I remember going through all this relationship stuff when I was your age and I know how complicated and overwhelming it can be. Here’s the truth. You’re going to date lots of boys and some are going to be awesome and some not so much. Your friends are going to complicate matters by telling you what they think about the boys. And you’re going to have to decide what you want to do and live with the consequences despite your friend’s best intentions. So, I suggest taking this opportunity to say to yourself “I am completely capable of making my own decisions and even if it isn’t what you think I should do, I am confident in my ability to be in charge of my own life.” Phew. Ok, so now let’s talk about nude pictures and Facetime. I would tell you this and I would give the same advice to my 40 and 50 year old friends. Don’t send nude photos. And, if you Facetime or Skype or whatever, don’t do anything naked or sexual. The minute you do and you send it out in the world on your phone or computer, you lose control of it and it will come back to haunt you. Believe me, being a teenager is hard enough without providing people with things they can use against you later. (And a note to the boys and men of the world, penis pictures are not sexy. Period.). Ok, off that soapbox and onto your other issues. You’re in middle school. The boy you want to date lives many hours away. You can have a relationship with him but its mostly going to be long distance so maybe just work on being friends. It’s much easier to be long distance friends and have it turn into something more than to date under these terms and at your age. That’s my humble opinion. And don’t send him nude photos! (Sorry, I couldn’t help but get that in there one more time). The window of opportunity for having fun with your friends and being young gets shorter every day. There will come a time when you have to work and be an adult and you never get this time back so enjoy it! Try not to get too drawn into boy drama and learn to make your own choices based on what feels right for you. That skill will serve you well your whole life. Amy Dear Amy,
My boyfriend is looking up his ex girlfriend on Facebook almost daily, I confronted him and he tells me all he wants is me. I am worried he is still into her if he keeps looking her up. I am divorced and am living with my boyfriend of three years. He treats me good and I am happy I just don't want to fall in a rut like before. Is this something I should be worried about? Dear Worried, Ok, let’s look at the hard truth here. Your boyfriend may very well still have feelings for his ex. BUT, that doesn’t mean that he isn’t committed to you. I’m going to break away from the people out there who assume that when you go into a new relationship, you completely leave behind the old one. No you don’t! If you loved someone, you are probably going to have feelings for them (at some level) for a long time. Maybe forever. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to move on and it doesn’t mean your boyfriend isn’t telling you the truth when he says that all he wants is you. So, if you can accept that what I’m saying is true, you will find it much easier to move forward. However, I am a little concerned about why you know that he looks her up daily. I’m a firm believer in the idea that cyber snooping is the downfall of many a good relationship. In fact, social media has made privacy a near impossibility. Relationships are built on trust and so my question to you is, how do you know? Has he told you? Have you been watching him? Do you share an account? If you are keeping an eye on his online activities, I would ask you consider why that is. Has he given you any reason not to trust him? Or is it possible that your previous relationship has made you overly sensitive to issues of trust? Or maybe both? So I would consider these things and try to figure out if the issue is with your boyfriend or with you. Or both. It’s at least a little of both because its clearly becoming an issue between the two of you. And then I would address it head-on. Talk with your boyfriend (don’t confront) about how it makes you feel. Instead of accusing, try to help him understand why it’s a problem for you. At this point, he hasn’t done anything wrong. Looking at a person’s profile on Facebook is not necessarily a sign of anything other than nosiness. So try not to make it a battle between you. Talk. Find a place of understanding. And move forward with this person who treats you well and makes you happy. Amy Dear Amy,
I have feelings for a guy. And I'm not sure if I should have feelings for him because I have one friend who wants to get back together with him. What should I do? Dear Feelings, You can’t help who you have feelings for but you can choose whether to act on those feelings or not. Dating a friend’s ex is a tricky situation and if that friend still has feelings for him, you’re heading for trouble with your friend. So deciding whether or not to act on your feelings really has a lot to do with considering the consequences. Is it a close friend? Would you be willing to give up the friendship for the relationship? Chances are, whatever you decide you will have to make a hard decision. Putting aside your feelings for the guy won’t be comfortable for a while but it will be ok eventually. Revealing your feelings for the guy could lead to a wonderful relationship but it will likely take a toll on your friendship. Life presents us with all kinds of messy situations and navigating them is part of how we grow. Whatever you decide, make sure you’ve considered all the possible outcomes and then embrace your decision and have faith that things will work out the way they were meant to. Amy |
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