Worried About Facebook Findings

Dear Amy,
My boyfriend is looking up his ex girlfriend on Facebook almost daily, I confronted him and he tells me all he wants is me. I am worried he is still into her if he keeps looking her up. I am divorced and am living with my boyfriend of three years. He treats me good and I am happy I just don't want to fall in a rut like before. Is this something I should be worried about?

Dear Worried,

      Ok, let’s look at the hard truth here. Your boyfriend may very well still have feelings for his ex. BUT, that doesn’t mean that he isn’t committed to you. I’m going to break away from the people out there who assume that when you go into a new relationship, you completely leave behind the old one. No you don’t! If you loved someone, you are probably going to have feelings for them (at some level) for a long time. Maybe forever. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to move on and it doesn’t mean your boyfriend isn’t telling you the truth when he says that all he wants is you. So, if you can accept that what I’m saying is true, you will find it much easier to move forward.
     However, I am a little concerned about why you know that he looks her up daily. I’m a firm believer in the idea that cyber snooping is the downfall of many a good relationship. In fact, social media has made privacy a near impossibility. Relationships are built on trust and so my question to you is, how do you know? Has he told you? Have you been watching him? Do you share an account? If you are keeping an eye on his online activities, I would ask you consider why that is. Has he given you any reason not to trust him? Or is it possible that your previous relationship has made you overly sensitive to issues of trust? Or maybe both?
     So I would consider these things and try to figure out if the issue is with your boyfriend or with you. Or both. It’s at least a little of both because its clearly becoming an issue between the two of you. And then I would address it head-on. Talk with your boyfriend (don’t confront) about how it makes you feel. Instead of accusing, try to help him understand why it’s a problem for you. At this point, he hasn’t done anything wrong. Looking at a person’s profile on Facebook is not necessarily a sign of anything other than nosiness. So try not to make it a battle between you. Talk. Find a place of understanding. And move forward with this person who treats you well and makes you happy.

Amy