Dear Amy,
I'm 23 years old and I'm currently employed and not going to school. Since I can remember I've been a hopeless romantic. My sister often tells me that I’m just a poor girl looking for love. I've been in and out of relationships since I was 18 ... I've put up with so much and I've dated all types of men, nerds, geeks, thugs, business men and they all seem to say the EXACT same thing .. "I'm different " "I'm not like every other guy" .. Blah blah blah ... Every relationship I've had I've either gotten hurt or dumped ... this last relationship I had lasted a month and that guy would tell me how much he loved me , that he had found his soul mate, and that he wanted to marry me someday and than out of the blue he sent me a text saying we’re done ! Blocking me from all social media and his cell phone ... No explanation.. No reason I'm confused and he didn't give me the closure I needed I've fallen into deep sadness... Is it me? Why can't I be loved? Dear Loved, I know exactly how you feel. From one hopeless romantic to another, I can tell you right now that yes, it’s you. But not in a bad way. You are a loveable woman with loveable qualities. Experience tells me that your problem lies in expectations. It’s hard being a hopeless romantic without a whole bundle of unrealistic expectations about what love should look like. And let me tell you, I struggle with this one still, even now that I am happily and contentedly coupled (see, it’s an ongoing issue but not one that’s insurmountable). In reading your message, one thing stood out to me. You say that you’ve dated all types of men but I would suggest that maybe that’s not entirely accurate. Despite the differences in careers and dispositions, its quite possible that you’ve been dating the same guy over and over again. I did that. I had a type and even when I thought the guy I liked was completely the opposite of my last guy…nope, not so much. So let’s consider the similarities between these guys you’ve dated. What were they like? How did they treat you? How did things end? Did you communicate well? Were there commitment issues? Ok, so if someone tells you they’re different or not like the other guys, don’t believe them. And not because they’re not unique, but because chances are, you’re choosing according to a pattern. Despite their awesome one-of-kind-qualities, you’re probably attracted to them based on qualities that you may not even be aware of. That’s why we’re taking a moment here to think about what patterns might exists in your previous relationships. Because the pattern-making is all about you, not about them. And as long as you are choosing based on that pattern, you’re probably going to find yourself disappointed. Something I learned about myself (mostly because I had the most amazing, no-nonsense counselor on earth!) is that I have made a lot of choices in men and relationships based on a lack of self-awareness and baggage from my life. Coming to terms with the things that make you you, good or bad, is half the battle (I think) to finding love and a lasting relationship. Because once you find that dream guy, you’re still going to need to pull some reality checks on yourself….Am I expecting to much? How am I contributing to this issue? Is this about him or about me? I ask myself these questions all the time. Heck, I asked myself these questions on the way back from lunch today. So don’t despair. The main thing I can suggest to you that I truly believe will help you is that you turn your focus inward. Work on you, on being happy with yourself and your life with or without a relationship. It doesn’t mean you’ll never have one, but sometimes when you put your energy somewhere else, you find that the thing you want actually happens without you realizing it. I am a chronic over-thinker so I try to apply my over-thinking to myself rather than to people around me. It helps. It’s going to be ok. You can and will be loved by a lot of people in your life. But the most important person to love you is you. Amy Amy...help! I have recently re-connected with an ex. He has recently split from a relationship (4 months ago). How can I jump start this "friendship"...how can I get him to email or telephone more? When he emails it will be a single sentence...we have had one really long phone call but nothing since (over a week ago).....don't know what to do. Should I give up?
Dear Relighting, I keep hearing that song “You Can’t Hurry Love” going through my head as I think about how to answer you. So, I think that’s the case. You’re going to have to be patient and see what happens. You can always ask him to hang out, have dinner, see a movie. Or you can call and email him more. But you need to pay close attention to his reactions and try to give him space as you move forward. His delays in response may be a hesitation to get involved again after his last breakup or it could simply be that he’s looking for friendship rather than romantic involvement. Only time will tell. Now, that said, I wonder a few things. Why did you break up in the first place? Is this someone you really want to reconnect with? Since I don’t really know how your relationship was before, I hate to make any assumptions, but I am curious why you would want to reconnect romantically with your ex. Are you interested in being friends? Or are you mostly looking to get back together? These are some things to consider as you move forward. Bottom line, give it time. Amy Dear Amy,
Well here it goes. I live next to this married lady and she is very sexy and she wants me to sleep with her and I really would like to but don’t know if I should. And here’s another one. I have an aunt that I want to sleep with. Should I? And I have a cousin that is very hot and I want to make love to her. I have for a long time. Dear Sleeping, Whoa there. Ok, putting the woman next door aside for a moment, let me say that sleeping with either your aunt or your cousin would be wildly inappropriate, could be emotionally traumatic to you or them, AND would most likely cause problems for your whole family. Don’t do it. Ok, now let’s go back for a moment. I’m going to give you a few things to think about. I don’t know how old you are. If you’re a teenager, I could almost understand (hormones and all) wanting to sleep with everyone in sight. The answer, of course, is still no, wildly inappropriate. But hormones make us feel kind of crazy that way and learning about appropriateness is part of life. So, let’s say, hypothetically that you’re 40 or 20 or 50 or 85. As a healthy, sexually active adult, you “should” want relationships with people who are sort of similar to you age-wise, relationship-wise, etc. If you’d just been asking about the married woman, I’d ask you some questions. For instance, have you considered how your sexual relationship with the neighbor might affect her marriage, her family, her emotional well-being? I’m all for healthy, responsible sex but having sex with someone who’s married is already complicated and stressful and emotionally irresponsible so, it’s not advisable. That coupled with the fact that you want to have sex with two of your relatives has me concerned. That you’re asking me this question tells me that you might need to work on your own understanding of what is appropriate and possibly establishing boundaries for yourself. Talking with someone about healthy relationships and strategies for seeking those types of relationships could be really helpful. Amy Dear Amy,
I was recently in a long term relationship with a girl for two years. She is new to college and her first weekend away from home she invited me up and had a panic attack that night. I couldn't seem to help and it killed me to see her so upset. She wasn't adjusting well to school and it didn't seem like her roommate (also a close friend of mine and my girlfriends best friend, didn't seem to help much). About a week or so after her panic attack, her dog was hit and killed by a car. She was very upset about the accident and wouldn't let me help. I didn't know how I could help. She didn't seem to get that we were a team and that whatever she struggled with I was there for her. I know I should have given her space when she needed it but it was too hard because I care about her so much. We continued dating, but she was very distant, always depressed and struggling with school and her best friend pushing her away. One weekend she invited me to school and after a few hours with friends she told me we had to go back to her dorm. I knew exactly what was going to happen. She cried and struggled to break up with me. We seemed to end on good terms mainly because I didn't want to upset her and I just wanted her to feel better. She had told me she broke up with me because she couldn't drag me through her problems. It upset me because I was so committed and had and still have so much to give her. I care so much about her and I kept thinking about how it wasn't about me at all. I just wanted her to feel better. She had told me she would talk to me about it all once she could, but I am not fully convinced she will. In the weeks that followed I had hopes that we could one day get back together. She came back for her thanksgiving break recently and my heart stopped when I saw her. I attempted to try and hang out with her but she claimed to be busy. It may have been too soon to try and hang out but I just wanted her back in my life. Since then she has been talking to another friend we share and that friend had informed me that it doesn't look as likely that we will get back together. She said that my ex girlfriend had said that she wanted to be single for some time since she had been in a relationship for so long. This hurt, but I'm still not ready to give up. My cousin has been faced with the same situation and so I turned to him. He said his girlfriend had said the same thing that she needed to be single a little bit and that getting back together did not seem likely. They have since gotten back together. I'm just not sure what to do. I know she needs her space, but I don't want to give up on her. I don't want her to be over me. I know I have to face the fact that we might not get back together, but I still think there is a chance. I’m not sure if my ex girlfriend will ever talk to me about it and that annoys me. I constantly battle with myself and tell myself not to talk to her. It's not right to at the moment. I tell myself I need to wait until she comes to me but it seems too hard. I care about this girl so much and all that I have done has been for her. I know that if we do get back together than things will have to be different but for now I just don't know what the possibilities of that happening are. I just don't know how to handle it all right now. She will be coming home for break in the coming days and I don know what to do. Do I just proceed as friends and hope for the best or do what everyone says and forget about someone I care and love so much. Dear Hanging On, My heart goes out to you. It’s devastating to lose someone you love, especially when you haven’t had the opportunity for closure. In answering you, I want to focus on two things. First, you and how you’re handling your breakup. And second, your ex-girlfriend and some of the things that may be fueling her behavior. Let’s start with you. I’m concerned because you are so consumed with this relationship. Your question is literally overflowing with thoughts of your ex-girlfriend, concern for her, obsessive thinking about getting back together. You even seem to have stifled your own feelings during the breakup because you were concerned with how she would feel. I think you need to try and put your relationship with her aside for a while and focus on you and your life. What are you doing? Are you in school? Are you spending time with friends and experiencing life? No matter what happens with your ex, you need to spend time on you. It’s not healthy for you to spend all of your time planning her next visit and worrying about how it will go. Trust me, I’m an obsessive thinker and I can tell you that this path does not lead to happiness. So, let’s talk about her for a little bit. Starting college, being on her own, etc. These are all really big changes for a person and from what you’ve said, she may suffer from some anxiety and depression. One thing that is often difficult for people who suffer anxiety and depression to deal with is not knowing how to “handle” the people they love. You mention in your letter that you wanted to help her and wanted her to feel like you were a team. But when you’re having panic and depression, you don’t feel like you can be a team. You don’t feel like anyone can understand how you’re feeling. And often, you get frustrated when people who don’t know how you feel act like they do or try to help in ways that aren’t helpful. Sounds frustrating right? Well, it is. Believe me. Not just for her but for you and everyone else around her. Consider this, could the break down in her relationship with her roommate be partially because her depression is hard for the roommate to handle? It’s complex and its hard to know exactly what she might be feeling but I can imagine that she may simply have gotten to a point where she needed to be alone so she could regroup. Maybe. In your letter, you say it’s not about you. And that’s exactly right. It may have nothing to do with you really. And I know that’s no consolation, but I bring it up because in another line you say you don’t want her to get over you. But here’s the thing. It’s really not up to you whether she does or not. AND because you care about her, I know you’ll understand that not getting over you is actually not healthy for her. You know that obnoxious saying “If you love someone let them go…” There’s something to it (though I truly hate hearing it and I can’t believe I’m saying it…bleh). The truth is, if you love this girl, you need to be willing to let her go so she can live her life in the way that is easiest for her. Whether she didn’t want to drag you into her problems or whether she just needed a break, it doesn’t really matter. The result is the same. And the more you push her to get back together, the more she’s going to resist (it’s a human nature thing). Take a deep breath. Think about some of the things you’ve been putting aside and do them. When she comes to visit, be her friend without pressuring her. Let what’s going to happen, happen. I am a person who does not deal well with uncertainty. I like to plan things and shape them and make them work the way I want them to. So I know how hard what I’m telling you really is to do. But sometimes you have to take the hard road to get where you want to go. Amy Dear Amy,
I am in a four-month relationship. I am with a woman who I adore and have a lot of fun with. She talks about the future with me. I get thrown off guard a little bit. She isn't always responsive. So I am thinking maybe I need to tone it down the compliments, the I love you's etc. I have a lot of enthusiasm about her but she is much more reserved. What am I dealing with here? We are in our fifties Dont know if that matters. Dear Enthusiastic, No matter your age, I think the best policy in any relationship is to be yourself. It sounds like you have a good relationship and that she’s open to a future with you. And I think you’re making assumptions about why she might be reserved or occasionally unresponsive that may not be correct. Maybe her personality tends to be more reserved than yours. Or maybe past relationships and experiences have made her cautious. Either way, understanding her better will go a long way toward easing your fears. Whatever her reasons for being reserved, you should be careful about making changes in your behavior without truly understanding her reactions. If the relationship is going to work out, it should be based on the both of you being comfortable behaving in ways that make you feel like you’re being true to yourselves. I certainly sympathize. My significant other and I are much the same. I’m the exuberant one and he’s the reserved, private one. Sometimes the mixed signals lead to conflict and I think its safe to say that we resolve those conflicts best when we just face them head on. We talk, even if it’s a little uncomfortable at first, and I would suggest that you do the same. So, basically, my advice to you is to talk with your girlfriend. Tell her that you’re interested in her feelings and that you want to make sure that you’re not going too overboard. If she asks you to tone it down, then you’ll have a good reason to do so. But most likely, if she’s enjoyed being with you this long, your enthusiasm is probably part of what she likes and she’ll tell you that. Work together. Talk together. And have faith that she likes you just the way you are. Amy Dear Amy,
I want out of my marriage of 5-6 yrs but don't know how to tell her. Dear Out, Without knowing more about the reasons why you want out of your marriage, the best advice I can offer you is to be compassionate. Are you sure this is what you want? If so, try to be direct but kind. If you’re debating how to tell her, I’m guessing this is going to be a surprise for her and probably very painful. Not all marriages work out, but even if you want to leave yours, you have the opportunity to do so with kindness, compassion and empathy. Amy Dear Amy,
I need to know how to handle a friend (living with me and having casual sex and tells me he loves me) that likes to text other girls he claims are his friends constantly? And when I question him about it he gets mad? How do i handle this? Dear Friend, I think perhaps you and your friend have different expectations in your relationship. Your question calls him a “friend” and mentions “casual sex.” Given these definitions, I’d say that it probably baffles your friend that you even ask him about the girls he texts. For him, there may be nothing inconsistent about his behavior. You are friends. Check. You have sex. Check, check. And he loves you. Check. I can imagine him thinking “What’s the problem here?’’ My guess is that the problem lies in your expectations. It sounds to me like you want to be more than friends. Is that true? If not, than why would it matter that he’s texting other girls? And it’s a tricky situation you’re in. If you have been friends for a long time and now you want more, your relationship is going to change one way or another. If he wants more too, maybe you’ll end up in an exclusive, intimate relationship. However, if he doesn’t want that….say, that’s not what he signed up for and he’s not interested…you run the risk of losing the friendship. So, how to handle things is really up to you. If you want to keep things the way they are, you’re going to have to work on your own expectations. You can’t have a drama-free, casual-sex having friendship if you’re not both on the same page. If you’re not “together” than you really don’t have much ground to stand on in expecting him not to text other girls. Know what I mean? Life is full of these messy, awkward, hard truths. The fact that you’re already living together and having sex is going to make it complicated if you’re at cross-purposes for where the relationship is headed. So I would suggest taking a moment to think about what you want. Whatever direction you head, you will have to deal with the consequences so make sure you’ve taken time to consider the options and what you stand to gain or lose by making the decisions you make. Relationships are ridiculously convoluted no matter what it looks like so be confident in your choices and know that life goes on. Amy Dear Amy,
Can you be in love with a guy before you’ve met face to face? And when you’ve only known him for a few weeks? Dear Considering, Of course you can! Love has far more to do with the mental connection between two people than with physical appearance (though physical attraction is certainly a plus). In this age of online dating, I’d say it’s actually not that uncommon to fall in love with someone you’ve never met in person. And as a person who falls in love very easily, I will tell you that in my experience falling in love can happen faster than you think. That said, as a person who falls in love easily, I would just make note here that falling in love and having a solid, long-lasting relationship can be very different concepts. So embrace those feelings but proceed with your eyes wide open. Amy Dear Amy,
Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost eight years. He is worried that we have both just gotten comfortable and settled. He wants me to take time to figure out if being with him is what I really want. My immediate reaction is to say yes, that’s what I want, but I know I really do need to take the time and also get advice on our problems. Problem number 1: We work opposite schedules so we see each other maybe 30min to an hour everyday. Problem number 2: We are both a bit emotionally damaged and so things like saying I love you and simple no sexual affection are lacking. Problem number 3: I am a non confrontational person and am scared of rejection so I don’t initiate the affection or talk about issues while he just is not affectionate, but thinks that if I were to initiate the affection it might change. I don’t know what advice I am looking for but any guidance would be greatly appreciated. Dear Puzzling, Whether or not you’ve gotten too comfortable and settled, or whether you’re simple needing to take some time to consider what direction you want to go in your life, it sounds to me like you need to resist that impulse to just stay put. The problems you list are pretty big problems….not horrible ones, but definitely issues that can make happiness in a relationship elusive. Is it impossible to have a good relationship when you barely see each other? No, but it’s difficult. That combined with the emotional distance you’re describing make me think that you and your boyfriend may be at cross-purposes. Consider this. As much as you care for one another, and no doubt after eight years you do, there is something that is keeping you from showing one another affection. Is it emotional baggage (or damage) or is it maybe that you’re not compatible on that level? Sometimes we find ourselves with someone who makes us feel safe and comfortable and we think that’s enough. And then its not. Being aware of your fear of rejection and your issues with intimacy is a good thing. But the reality is that you initiating things is not likely to magically make your boyfriend more affectionate if that’s really not his strong point. Try not to let your fear of rejection keep you from finding happiness. It sounds like your boyfriend may not be the right person for you. Or maybe he is. Taking some time to focus on you and what you want in life will help you to make that decision. If you two are meant to be together, you will be. But settling for the status quo just because you’re afraid of being alone or starting over is not likely to make either of you happy in the long run. If your boyfriend is asking you to take time to figure this out, he’s seeing the problems too and is asking for a time out. Maybe you’ll find that you want to be together. Or maybe you’ll find that having a relationship with someone more openly affectionate or someone you can spend more time with is really better for you. You never know til you try. Amy Dear Amy,
I am going to be there while my spouse dies of kidney cancer doctor said 12 months left could you tell me month by month what I am in for please try the best you can to explain what she will be feeling and what I could do to help tell me about how the drugs will work I just need some kind of an idea what to expect please. Dear Spouse, Unfortunately, I am not at all qualified to answer this question. However, I wanted to take the opportunity to share a couple of resources that might help you. First, is the American Cancer Society website which has resources for cancer patients, their families and their caregivers. The following link will lead you directly to one of their resources pages: American Cancer Society Resources Then, I wanted to direct you to the Hospice Foundation of America website which has wonderful information about end-of-life care and grief. Hospice care is truly amazing both for the person at end-of-life and their families. They have an “Ask the Experts” section and also a lot of useful articles. Hospice Foundation of America I’m very sorry to hear about your spouse and I hope these and other resources will help you and comfort you. Amy |
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