Dodging Dirty Looks

Dear Amy,
I need some advice. I'm lesbian and very open with my family but whenever I bring my girlfriend home my dad always gives us dirty looks...what do I do?

Dear Dodging,

     Have you had a talk with your dad about his looks? My feeling is that he’s not super comfortable about something...maybe that you’re a lesbian or maybe your partner or maybe your hairstyle…who knows. But when you’re with your family, you shouldn’t have to endure dirty looks. It’s very passive aggressive behavior and the best way to combat passive aggressiveness is with directness. You say you’re very open with your family but are they open with you about how they feel?  Have you and your dad had a conversation about how he feels about your sexual orientation? What is your relationship with your dad like?
     So, here’s the bottom line. I would find it sort of crazy to have to have a conversation with my dad about my choice in sexual partner….however, I understand that people don’t always react well to things that are “different”  (sexual orientation, ethnicity, religious differences, etc). Having an honest and loving conversation with your dad about his looks and how they make you feel is probably your best bet at getting them to go away. On the one hand, he may not even realize you’re noticing them or that he’s making them in the first place. On the other hand, he may tell you some things that you’d rather not hear. And you’ll have to listen to them and try not to get defensive. And you’ll have to set boundaries about how you expect to be treated by your family. Parents have us over a barrel sometimes…we only get the ones we’re dealt and sometimes they’re stubborn. But its worth talking and working with your father so that you and your girlfriend can feel welcome and comfortable around your family.

Amy