Dear Amy,
Okay, so I know this probably going to be the stupidest thing ever, but Christmas is in less than one week and I still haven't gotten my boyfriend anything. We've been together less than 3 months (January 4 will mark 3 months) and I have no idea what I want to get him. I know as his girlfriend I'm supposed to know all the ins and outs of what he loves and what he'd like as a gift. But the fact that the relationship is still new, and getting even more serious as the days goes by freaks me out because I don't want to screw anything up. Any ideas? Dear Gifting, Not only is this not a stupid thing but it's something we've all probably worried about at one time or another. And also a fun question for me to answer so thank you! Ok, if your relationship is amazing (and it sounds like it is) then nothing you can give him as a gift is going to mess things up. So don’t panic. Also, you can be with someone for years and not know all the ins and outs, so again, try not to worry. I have two suggestions. First, think of something you enjoy doing together. It could be as simple as a favorite restaurant or going to the movies. Give him a date night complete with tickets or a gift certificate. You can make it personal and sweet without worrying about knowing his exact tastes AND it means spending time together, which is a big plus. My second suggestion comes straight from my relationship. My fella and I exchange books. We are both big readers and so we’ve taken to getting each other books that we think the other would like. It’s actually a lot of fun to see what he picks. Sometimes they’re things he thinks I’d like and sometimes it’s related to something we’ve talked about or done together. Of course, if books aren’t your thing, you could do the same basic concept with music or movies. It’s the story that comes along with it that makes it fun. As with the best gifts, it’s the thought that counts so be ready to explain what you were thinking when you picked it out. For instance, “this CD has a song we listened to on our first date” or “I know you love lizards so I got you this amazing lizard book.” You know, whatever works for you. Happy holidays! Amy Dear Amy,
If you have been with a partner for 20 years and find out that he had a child and hid it from you for 9 years what should you do? Dear Deceived, You should talk. A lot. Did he tell you or did you find out on your own? Have you talked about it? Not fought about it, but actually talked about it as calmly as possible. I realize this must come as a shock and you are probably feeling a lot of things including anger and frustration. But understanding the situation better will help you put things in perspective. Why did he hide it from you? What does he expect to happen now? What do you want to happen now? It’s a complex and crummy situation but it doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t find a way to work through it (assuming that that’s what you want). You need to be able to hear his story and to have him hear how this has made you feel without it disintegrating into an argument. Is that possible? If its hard to do this on your own right now, think about seeing a counselor who can serve an a mediator as you two work things out to some resolution. I wish I could tell you there is some easy answer but relationships never provide us with easy and they often provide us with downright difficult and disastrous. If you love your partner and you want to be with him, then you’re going to have to work on acceptance and forgiveness. Work on rebuilding trust. Sometimes things happen and we can’t take them back or control them, but you have choices. You can choose to let this relationship go despite the many years you’ve been together. Or you can choose to acknowledge that what your partner did was crappy, that hiding it from you added insult to injury, but that it is possible to move forward together. It’s just going to take some work. Most of all, you need to take care of yourself and your emotional well-being. You didn’t ask for this and though you might wish it never happened, you can choose to become stronger and self-aware as a result. Amy Dear Amy,
I have known a man for 10 years. We have been friends, lovers, shoulder for support. The other night he told me he’s always wanted me. Well I have always wanted him. He is involved with someone that works for his business. He says for business reasons this it what it has to be for now. I have a feeling his silent partner is related to her and does not want to lose that partner. His relationship with her is unfulfilling...Any Ideas? Dear Complicated, You may have to be patient. It sounds like you’ve been close for a long time so maybe waiting isn’t going to be as hard as it sounds. Here’s what I’d suggest. Be honest with him about how you feel and what you want. And then let him know that you understand things are complicated. Ultimately, he’s going to have to let the other person go if he wants to be with you in a way that will not cause undo drama in either of your lives. Mixing relationships with business is really tricky. Regardless of his feelings for her or for you, it would be a good idea for him to establish some firm boundaries. Given that he’s clearly feeling some pressure not to the rock the boat, the relationship he’s in with the other woman already sounds like a bad idea. If he’s worried about leaving her now, its not going to get any easier with time…especially if her feelings for him are stronger than his feelings for her. You know what I mean? If he were asking me this question, I would tell him to suck it up and end it with the other woman simply because its an unfulfilling relationship that complicates his work situation significantly. But for you, I would suggest patience. Be his friend as long as it’s healthy for you. Don’t let him string you along forever, but for now, if it’s comfortable, maybe just wait and see what happens. Maybe knowing how you feel about him will be the motivation he needs to figure out how to end the other relationship. And if he doesn’t, then focus on the friendship and make sure your emotional needs are being met. Amy Dear Amy,
My husband of 9 years has 2 children from a previous marriage (ages 15 &17). They wanted us to go to his ex-wife's house on Christmas morning to watch them open their gifts from her last year, for the first time since we've been married. (they never asked when they were little). We reluctantly obliged, drove almost an hour, then sat there while she threw presents to them and they ungratefully tore into them and bickered amongst themselves. It was awkward and uncomfortable for everyone. Well, even though they will be celebrating with us on Christmas Eve, they have demanded him to be there Christmas morning again this year, but I feel that this crosses too many boundaries. I just don't understand it after all this time... Why now? My therapist thinks it's absolutely ridiculous and believes it to be a control tactic by the teenagers. He's a good father, although most times he tries to be more like a friend with inappropriate comments, jokes, language, and actions. As well as letting them do and say whatever they want without any consequences, sometimes even encouraging them by laughing and joining in. I have always been good to them, without trying to over-shadow their mother, who still calls my husband (her ex) to fix problems in her home. Whenever any of them say JUMP... he almost always says HOW HIGH! Do I have the right to be pissed?... because I am. Dear Giving In, You absolutely, unequivocally have the right to be pissed. But being pissed doesn’t really help much right? So let’s talk about the issues at hand. First and foremost, blended families are all kinds of complicated. It sounds like your husband has trouble with boundaries and I can completely understand why you’re feeling frustrated. You’ve got a husband who’s making things up to his kids by allowing them to get away with being disrespectful and demanding. You’ve got an ex-wife in the equation who is intruding into your relationship by asking your husband to attend to her despite being divorced. And you’ve got two teenagers who are probably dealing with a whole heap of emotions that they don’t really understand how to handle. Have you guys considered family counseling? It seems like there are a few things that need to happen. First, you and your husband need to have a talk about boundaries. He needs to understand how these things make you feel and how they affect your relationship. You need to understand how he’s feeling as well. I’m sure he’s conflicted about how to be the best father to his kids and it may simply not have occurred to him that there are any other options. The kids also need to understand the consequences of their actions and behavior. For whatever reason, they’re struggling for power over him. It could stem from any number of things including that they are both in that overwhelming, emotion-driven world of adolescence and they’re testing you. They will learn something from the results they get…whether they are able to manipulate the situation or not, so it would be a good idea for you and your husband to talk about what the implications of giving in to their demands are. Now, I would like to say that, under the right circumstances, it’s not a horrible thing to consider spending Christmas with your hubby’s ex if it means having the family together. But the situation you described at last year’s celebration sounds less than ideal. I would say that the whole family…kids especially…need a good dose of boundaries and appropriate behavior. Have you sat down with the kids and explained why the situation makes you uncomfortable? You and your husband need to be on the same page first, but maybe this is a good time to start having some really honest family discussions. The kids are old enough to understand how their actions affect the people around them and you’ve been a part of their lives for a long time. You deserve their respect and they deserve yours. This is a good time to bring them into the conversation as valuable partners in the family dynamic. Last point. Model the behavior you want them to learn…your husband and your kids. Be open and honest. Be kind but assertive. Be willing to hear what they have to say despite feeling frustrated with them and try to involve them in the solution as much as you can. You may need to be firm with the kids and just tell them that you will not be doing Christmas with their mom, but maybe there’s something else that will appease their need for closeness and your need for respect and boundaries. Wishing you luck. Amy Dear Amy,
We are best friends with another couple who wind up in an argument or fight almost every time we hang out with them. We have mentioned this to them that it makes us very uncomfortable. Don't want to lose the friendship but it spoils the entire evening. Feeling frustrated! Dear Frustrated, That sounds incredibly frustrating. There are a whole lot of elements of polite society that I’m glad have been thrown out the door but not fighting in front of company is a strict rule that should stay firmly in place. I’m all for talking things out. Open communication. Yay! Conflict is part of any relationship but people need to hang on to the idea of appropriate time, appropriate place. Sheesh! Ok, so you need to establish some boundaries with your friends and you’re going to have to be gentle but direct. I had a friend once who is a yeller with her kids. And I’m not. And my kids are not used to yelling in my house so when my friend and her kids would come to visit, the yelling freaked my kids out. So I told her my house was a no-yelling zone. Was it an uncomfortable conversation? Kind of. But there were two things that were important to me in having the conversation. First, I wanted my children to feel comfortable, safe and loved. And second, I wanted to spend time with my friend! And so I told her I love you, I want to spend time with you but no yelling in my house. And it worked. So, that’s my recommendation. Sit them down and tell them that their friendship is so important to you but the fighting makes it hard to want to hang out with them. Is there a chance that you might lose your friends? Maybe. But most likely it’ll all just blow over and you’ll get some effort on their part to tone it down. Setting boundaries and enforcing consequences with adults is hard but not impossible. And if you don’t’ do something, chances are you’re going to start finding excuses not to hang out with them and that’s worse right? Amy Dear Amy,
As a transgendered woman, I wonder how long it really takes to feel all woman...my transition has been living as a woman for 6 1/2 years? Dear Waiting, I’m not a medical professional and so I really can’t speak to the medical/biological aspect of your question. But if you and I were sitting chatting and you asked me this question, I would probably suggest that you reach out to a support group and/or resource center in your area. I imagine that feeling all woman has a lot to do not only with your physical transition and your mental state. How are you feeling? If you find yourself struggling, this might be a good time to find a counselor who can support you through rough times and can help you identify and recognize your “normal.” The bottom line is that you need to accept that normal for you may be different from what other people feel so at the end of the day all you need to do is feel comfortable and happy in your own skin. There are some good resources at the National Center for Transgender Equality. Amy Dear Amy,
About 6 months ago I started dating this guy I've known off and on for about 4 years. He is really sweet to me and does anything and everything for me if I let him. He has custody of his 4 year old daughter. She is pretty much like most kids her age. She has a speech impairment which I'll come back to later....even though he is very nice to me and does things for me I can't help but get annoyed with him. He was living in an apartment when we got together but one day he decided to just move out leaving all of his furniture there to move in to a room he is renting off a friend. Which he is fixing to leave there to live in a hotel! He is on his second vehicle, which he is fixing to give back to his cousin because he said she is demanding more money then their agreement was. He bashes everyone he isn't happy with and his little girl I think gets the blunt of his anger. No I have never seen it totally but her actions when he asks her to repeat something because he didn't understand or her reaction when he asks or tells her to do something speaks for itself! I can ask her something and she will do it. But she won't for him. I feel as though I'm rambling here but it hard to reread what I have typed....I will have them come over to spend the night and it will turn into 3 or 4 days! I have tried breaking it off with him but all I can think about if his daughter and how she needs a mother. He cry's when I try breaking it off! He tells me he loves me with all his heart and he even mentions marriage on occasion. What do I do? I can't live his way! I have worked hard my whole life to have what I do and I feel as if he would just pull me down. I guess I already know the answer I just don't know how to handle it. I am feeling smothered. Dear Smothered, Yes, I think you already know what you’re going to have to do. But maybe I can give you some ideas to help you do it. It’s admirable that you want to be there for your boyfriend’s little girl but that isn’t enough to sustain a healthy relationship (and from what you’ve shared, I think there are a lot of issues that keep this relationship from being healthy). If you suspect that the little girl is being abused or neglected, you need to address that. But you can’t fix the situation for her by sticking around and becoming more and more unhappy. Kids are smart. She’ll pick that up. I think the behaviors you’re describing in your boyfriend are indicative of a guy who hasn’t figured out how to be fully grown up yet. He’s having issues following through on things. He’s running away instead of finishing things he’s started. And he’s leashing out and blaming others rather than taking responsibility for his own situation. I’m sure he sees you as a safe haven…a constant in a life that probably feels out of control for him. But you can’t fix that. And it sounds to me like you don’t really want to anyway. It’s better for him and for you if you just break it off and stick to your guns. Or, if you want to give it one last try, you need to set some firm and clear boundaries. For instance, tell him that when you invite him over for a night that means one night and one night only. You don’t have to be unkind. And seeing boundaries being set and enforced might even be a good thing for his daughter to see happening. I doubt she’s going to get a lot of that from him. Amy Dear Amy,
Me and my boyfriend are having problems with Facebook. He's from Dallas. He has a lot of old friends. I don't have a problem with that but now he has females sending friend requests. Still not a problem. But there was one today and I asked him today who was the new friend. First, he was all surprised like he didn't know. Well he doesn't know her but she had some of the same friends on her page that are his friends too so he felt like he should accept her. I have a problem with that. Our profile pictures are the same. We are together in our profile pictures, says in a relationship on both pages. Why would you friend someone you don't know that's clearly taken? Why friend someone if you’re not going to talk to them. I would never do that out of respect for their other half. He has one that was his friend. I sent her a friend request she accepted then a couple days later unfriended me. Her reason was she didn't know me well. Why did she accept at all? She would comment on his pictures like I was not even in the picture. I think a man that lives with another women should not have a bunch of single girls as friends. And its all girls on messenger. Am I an idiot? Dear Frustrated, No, you’re not an idiot. You’re just allowing yourself to be torn apart by the mystery and magic of social media. Facebook is a wonderful tool for “connecting” with other people and for keeping in touch with old friends. The truth is that people often “friend” people they don’t really know. Some people are more reserved. Some people aren’t (and some people friend everyone in sight without really thinking much about it). At the end of the day, your feelings about his Facebook friends are probably rooted in different understandings of “friendship.” Is it reasonable to expect that coupled people not have single friends? Probably a little. He’s not hiding you or your relationship so there shouldn’t really be an issue with him having a whole gaggle of single girl (and guy) friends right? Don’t worry. I’m not dismissing your feelings. My boyfriend has female friends on Facebook too and they comment on his photos sometimes like he’s alone in the picture and yes, it bothers me sometimes even though I try not to let it. You’re human. It’s ok to be human. But I would like you to consider some things. First, has your boyfriend given you any reason not to trust him? If not, have any past relationships had big trust issues? Experience tells me that there’s something trust-related that’s making you feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t have to be a problem with your current relationship. It could be something else. But whatever it is, I would try to identify it and work on it because we live in a seriously digital age and sites like Facebook aren’t going away. Controlling who he’s friends with or who you’re friends with won’t take way those feelings of jealousy or insecurity. So, I’m going to tell you something very true and revolutionary and if you can accept it, it might just change your life. Not everyone thinks like you. I struggle with that one. Facebook isn’t a dating site so not everyone who “friends” someone else is looking for love. It’s also true that not all “friends” are FRIENDS. Facebook introduces a complicated and crazy dimension to friendship that we often don’t have to deal with in face to face interactions. But if you can accept that other people’s intentions might be different from what you think…and, you and your boyfriend have a good relationship…then I would try to categorize Facebook as a crazy-making, awesome, fun, insane thing that doesn’t really reflect reality that closely. Breathe. Amy Dear Amy,
What if you two are separated and she wants a divorce and you don’t. It is where we were arguing, her yelling and I said I would slap her if she didn't get out of my face but I didn’t. We had other problems like a step girl and dad that caused a lot of problems. We have been through a lot she has had 14 surgeries. We have five kids; two mine, two hers and one together. This is a woman I would do anything for. Can you tell me if there is a way to fix it? Dear Trying, It sounds to me like there are some very big issues here that you and your wife don’t agree on. I would strongly suggest finding a counselor. If your wife is willing to go with you, find a marriage or family counselor. If not, an individual counselor would be able to help you sort out some of the issues that need to be resolved if you want to fix your marriage. Ultimately, they’ll be able to help you find common ground and to work on dealing with conflict more effectively. You can look for counselors in your area through the APA website. The link is on my Resources page. Amy Dear Amy,
I have been seeing a man for 5 months. I like him a lot he said he likes me to. I want to go out on dates but he said he can't afford it right now. I have been trying to help him out financially. I have not met his kids. We don't go out. I visit him at his apartment. We have had sex several times. I want a real relationship. I'm not sure whether he really likes me or is just using me. Should I move on? Dear Helping, Hmm. So I think it would be a great idea to think carefully about your own expectations. If you’re dating a man who is, for whatever reason, not financially able to be in this relationship the way you need or want him to, then yes, it’s probably time to move on. It doesn’t really have to have anything to do with his feelings about you at all. If he’s not the right man for you, its ok to find a person who can better meets your needs (and wants…those are important too). I tackled that first because I want to deal with the financial support separately. If you are both adults, capable of supporting yourselves, then there should be no reason to be helping him out financially. Now, I understand there are extenuating circumstances for us all. And if you were feeling that this relationship was headed somewhere good, I might not be so hesitant about the money. But I do think that there’s something going on here that needs to be fixed. It may simply be a matter of establishing boundaries. For instance, instead of helping him out financially, maybe you just pay for dates. If you want to be with this guy, it wouldn’t be horrible for you to be the one paying for romantic outings. However, if you’re paying his bills and there’s not a really amazing reason to be doing so….and if you feel like your needs aren’t being met…well then there’s a problem. It may not be that he’s using you as much as he’s taking advantage of a cozy situation (yes, I realize I’m splitting hairs here but I want to give this guy the benefit of the doubt since I really don’t know his situation). So, here’s the bottom line. You deserve a happy, healthy relationship where you and your partner contribute in ways that make you both feel fulfilled and appreciated. If anything less than that is happening, then you need to address it. Have a talk. Establish boundaries. Quit helping him financially if he should be able to help himself. And be willing to move on if he’s not willing to meet you halfway. Amy |
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