Wanting to be Loved

Dear Amy,
I'm not sure I'm able to fall in love with my husband again. We've been married for 9 years and for years (dating and married) he cheated, lied and didn't love me. His love for me could be measured in percentages, as he often told me. I love you 10%, 25% etc. He often went to zero :( As years passed I no longer cared. Now he says he loves me and has changed his cold ways, I believe he does love me now but for years when he didn't, I gradually stopped. Is it possible to fall in love again with someone you almost started to hate? Am I doomed to a loveless marriage for my kids? I love him but not like I should. I'm not In love with anyone else, I loved him so much once that I truly wish I could love him that way again.

Dear Wanting,

     You can’t go backward. Life doesn’t move in that direction. Even if your husband had been good to you (and what you’re telling me says that is not the case) you would still be approaching your relationship now from a different place and a different perspective than you did 9 years ago. Before I get to your question, I want to say that you (and we all) deserve to be with someone who will not withhold love, affection and intimacy from us. Your husband’s previous behavior is shameful really and it cannot be undone. You both need to accept that those years have made an impact on your feelings.
     That being said, no, you are not doomed to a loveless marriage for the sake of your kids. You’ve admitted that you love your husband still,, though not in the way you did before. And its probably never going to be the way it was before but keep in mind, that’s a good thing. You don’t really go back to being unloved, cheated on, lied to…right? So in making a choice to move forward with your husband, you will need to do some work to rebuild your relationship. Instead of thinking about how things used to be, think about how they could be and how they are. Focus on the things you enjoy doing together. Find new ways to connect. Accept that things are different but that different could actually be better.
     You can’t change the past but you can choose to live the future on your own terms. You can draw boundaries for yourself. You can find new and creative ways to reignite the romance in your relationship. You can work on being the woman you want to be and having the relationship you want. This is a good time to refocus on you and then work from there at making your relationship something different and better than what it has been.
     Just please don’t let yourself be loved by percentages. You are worth more than that.

Amy