Dear Amy,
I'm a woman in my mid-fifties who was in a fairly brief (4 month) relationship. My "boyfriend" was very intense and pushy, which made me feel uncomfortable, so I ended the relationship as delicately as I could. He seemed to take it as well as could be expected when we spoke in person, but I had a feeling that I hadn't heard the last of him; that he would try to continue the conversation with me. I was right. In the week since our "breakup conversation," he has sent me three lengthy texts and I have not responded because I don't want to engage in further conversation about this, or "fuel the fire." It seems that, as intense and pushy as he was being during the relationship, he is being equally intense and pushy about the breakup. Do you think I'm doing the right thing by not responding to his texts? Or do you think I should respond with a phone call to ask him to stop contacting me? Dear Pushed, If intense and pushy is engrained in his personality, it’s not surprising that those behaviors are continuing. I would suggest one very short and straightforward text back that says something along the lines of “Please don’t contact me again.” Don’t apologize. Don’t justify. If you want to, you can acknowledge his feelings by saying something like “I understand that you’re struggling with this but…” Usually, I would recommend ignoring the whole sting of texts but on the small chance that his pushiness becomes harassment, at least you’ll have proof that you asked him to stop. Most likely, he’s just one of those people who has a hard time taking a hint and sometimes you just have to spell it out for those people. Amy Dear Amy,
This past New Year’s Eve I was unable to attend with my boyfriend and a few of our couples friends we have been out with on several occasions for years now. On New Years Day, I awoke to find a picture of my boyfriend with his face buried in our married friends breast with the comment “thank god we are good friends.” Am I overreacting by telling them that I feel disrespected, that I am absolutely crushed by the inappropriate act that they say was staged. I feel it showed an intimacy shared by the two of them. I feel it was a very unkind thoughtless act and that I am being made fun of. I am flat-chested and she is very well endowed Am I wrong in feeling that? Dear Disrespected, I think your boyfriend and friend made a very poor, thoughtless decision and that it probably had nothing to do with you at all. More likely, there was some drinking going on (New Year’s Eve, right?) and people sometimes do stupid things when they’re drinking. It’s all in fun, right? Yeah, not so much. It’s understandable that you’re feeling crummy about the picture and I think you should talk to your boyfriend (and probably your friend as well) about how you’re feeling. You’re entitled to your feelings. The trick is taking this opportunity to have a meaningful talk about those feelings. If you approach it in terms of how their act made you feel, without accusing, without assuming that you know what their intentions were, the conversation will probably go a lot better. I doubt your boyfriend meant to make you feel bad. But he needs to understand how his actions made you feel so it won’t happen again. Amy Dear Amy,
I have been in a relationship for 8 years. It has been very difficult. He has told me several times that he does not want to see me anymore and that we would never be a couple. I don't talk to him, and then 3 or 4 weeks later he is back to texting and calling me. We are both 61 years old and he does not want to face the fact that he is getting old. He wants someone who is younger. Friends tell me I need to walk away from him and move forward. Dear Difficulty, This sounds beyond difficult…whatever his motivations are (and I know that getting old is especially hard for men), he’s really treating you very badly. He’ll keep coming back because he’s not being honest with himself about what he really wants and needs. Younger isn’t necessarily better. But, putting that aside, my main concern is with you. Despite the history you to share, it’s probably time to consider whether this relationship is really healthy for you. You deserve someone who’s going to treat you well and the easiest way to find that someone is to demand that you be treated well. Make it unacceptable for this guy to ditch you and then call again later. Draw the line and let him know you’re doing so, not because you don’t care for him, but because you care about yourself. Amy Dear Amy,
I'm having the weirdest issue. I've been with my girlfriend about 7 months, and I get along great with her family. But her family talks about her to me and I'm getting a bit scared. Her step-father does it the most, he basically warns me about her. Tells me if I decided to break it off he understands why because guys never stick around. He's also her landlord and tells me how nasty the house is when I'm not around, and how filthy she is on a regular basis. He tells me he's feels I should know what's really going on, and not to move into her place and leave my own. And it seems he genuinely is looking out for me, other family members also comment about similar things. I fell in love with her from the day I met her, and even though she lives 8 hrs away I was willing to move. But her family warning me is a tough pill to swallow and I'm literally scared at this point. What do I do? Nobody ever sticks around and this is why. If I tell her I run the risk of being hated by her family. Dear Scared, feel really sorry for this girl. Her family is sabotaging her relationship with you. It doesn’t really matter if what they say is “true”, because it’s really an issue of perspective. Whatever issues they have with her, and as much as they may like you, its really pretty rotten of them to be bringing this to you in this manner. If she was a serial killer or a drug addict, then maybe it might be good for you to know that ahead of time. But not a neat freak? I can think of many worse qualities. And maybe with you, she’ll tidy up. Maybe she’s never had much motivation to do so before. Either way, this decision is really yours and I suggest you consider it very carefully. On the one hand, you may move in with a slob and decide that’s not the life you want…there are no guarantees no matter what you do. On the other hand, if you bend to this pressure, you may lose the girl of your dreams. Is it worth it? Whatever you decide, you're the one who will have to live with the decision so make sure it's you who's deciding, not them. PS, maybe nobody ever sticks around because her family runs them off. Consider that. Amy Dear Amy,
I've been in a relationship for a very long time and am very bored and lonely. We do have three kids together. The problem is he never pays any attention to me. He’s always on the computer and I'm doing household chores. When I do say something to him like we never do anything together he thinks I'm bitching. I think he would rather jack off then have sex. I'm so bored I'm thinking of ending this. Help! My family means a lot to me but I'm unhappy and feel alone most the time anyway. What should I do? Dear Lonely, Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon problem. Computers, with all their wonderful and useful functions, have really taken a toll on relationships. The same goes for phones, tablets…technology in general. It’s much easier to give your attention to the almighty screen than to have to deal with the realities of another person’s wants, needs, emotions… The feelings that you’re having are real and are going to significantly impact your relationship whether he acknowledges that there is a problem or not. So what you’re going to need to do is to make him see that there are some serious issues you guys need to address. Maybe you are bitching a little bit…I know I did plenty of bitching once I was finally so fed up that I couldn’t find any other way to communicate. My suggestion to you is to take a breath and try to reframe the conversation. At the end of the day, this isn’t about him being on the computer or you doing all the housework. It’s about a lack of intimacy that’s developing as a result of those other symptoms. Just like the common cold, treating the symptoms only makes you feel better temporarily. So what does it look like to reframe the conversation? First, you need to get him involved in solving the problem. If he’s not invested, its not going to work. Talk to him about how the situation feels to you and how it’s negatively affecting the relationship. Don’t accuse. Ask him how he feels and be open to his answers. Try to be kind to one another. Maybe you can come up with some ways to improve things…date nights, common interests. Intimacy isn’t just about sex so look at creative ways to reconnect. And, if he’s willing, it might be a good time to seek a couple’s counselor to help with the process. Wishing you the best of luck. Amy Dear Amy,
Hi, I am 62, my boyfriend is 65, I have at my age a huge libido urge, I could have sex everyday, but my boyfriend cannot return the favor, this is my first relationship in over twelve years, before I did not have any sexual urge, mainly I wanted to be in LOVE, I am now, but this is not satisfying me, can my boyfriend get a boost of testosterone to help me? I am going crazy waiting till he is ready for sex!!! Dear Waiting, If the lack of sex is causing problems in your relationship then I would suggest seeing a doctor to see if there is something they can do to help. I’m not a doctor so I have no specifics for you on what might be available, but there are a lot of physical and psychological factors that can cause issues with sexual function and a medical doctor is probably a good first step in that process. I’m also going to suggest that your current situation is actually a good sign. If you haven’t had sexual urges in many years and are now having them with this man, its probably a sign that you’ve found what YOU need in this relationship to reignite your own sexual desires. Have you considered other means of getting sexual satisfaction while you work out some of the physical problems? Intercourse isn’t the only means of achieving sexual pleasure. Maybe you and your boyfriend (if you’re both willing) could do a little experimentation (with or without gadgets). It could be a really good opportunity to be intimate and to communicate, even if it doesn’t involve traditional sexual intercourse. Amy Dear Amy,
I have been in a quiet relationship with someone since October. He comes to the house, we talk, spend a little time together. 3 days before Christmas he stops and makes a statement that he is hoping to spend some with me on Christmas Day. I know he has a dinner to go to around 5 pm. I talk myself into believing that he will not come over so I leave for a couple of hours in the afternoon. I guess he stopped by when I was not home. He has not stopped by since. I think that he is hurt because I was not there. He could have called, I know I did not want to cry any more and did not want to be myself on Christmas. I left him a note to stop by my house. How should I explain and hopefully get back to where our relationship was? Dear Ditched, Best advice: Be honest with him. What made you talk yourself into thinking that he wouldn’t come? Are you still getting over a bad relationship? Has someone let you down? Has he? I think you may have done a little self-sabotage and I’m guessing there’s a reason...maybe one that you should address with a counselor. But in order to get things back on track with this guy, you’re going to have to be honest and to accept that he may be a little hurt. Yes, he could have (and probably should have) called. But his reaction is just as human and emotional as yours so cut him some slack and talk openly about how you’re feeling. Wishing you luck. Amy Dear Amy,
I was in a relationship for 4 1/2 year. One year of that my boyfriend was incarcerated in Montana. Every month I would take off and go there. It cost me lots of money. He came back and was on probation. We loved each other very much and got along good. And then I don't know what happened. I told him to leave because he kept telling me he was going to leave me. Now I'm very sad and he did move on with someone else then came back to me. Now he's in a relationship with somebody 18 years younger and two small children. I have not been able to move on. We still talk every once a while but now his new girlfriend has put a restraining order on me but he didn't. I'm very sad. I cry almost every day but I have a good job and I work six days a week. People tell me to move on but I can't. I love and miss him. I feel he is my soul mate. What do you suggest? Dear Stuck, Your well-intentioned friends probably have the right idea, even if it doesn’t feel terribly helpful right now. It sounds like your ex has moved on and that you’re going to have to do so as well. But that doesn’t make it easy and it doesn’t make it hurt less. It’s ok to feel sad and to miss your relationship. But here’s the catch…if you’re sad to the point where it’s affecting you on a daily basis then it might be time to seek some counseling. I have always had a hard time letting go, especially of relationships and people I love. I know how it feels to have to work through those emotions and figure out who you are without the relationship as context. So my heart goes out to you. What I’ve found to be true for myself, and it might be true for you also, is that you need to refocus your energy on yourself. It’s easy to idealize your relationship with your ex, but if you examine it closely in relationship to your own needs, you might be able to see the things that were missing more clearly. A good counselor can help you do this and support you through the process. At the end, you’ll come out feeling better about yourself and ready for whatever comes next. Wishing you love. Amy Dear Amy,
I have been dating a guy from Pakistan for about 4months. We are both head over heels crazy for each other. He always avoided having me around his family, though. I had asked about it before, but last night I finally confronted him and asked if he's ashamed of me or if it's a cultural thing. He admitted he is MARRIED! He says it was an arranged marriage, has only been about a year, and that he wants a divorce. The thing is, I am also married but separated and was open with him from the beginning. I'm hurt because he lied. I told him that I can't talk to him until/if he gets the divorce. He said that he really does want one, that he hates his culture, and that he will talk to me soon. He says he has never connected with anyone like he does with me and that he will never forgive himself for lying. I know I'm doing the right thing, but I was wondering if you have any advice on where to go from here? My gut says that he won't get a divorce but I'm worried that I will be waiting anyway. I didn't want to jump in to anything serious, but I think I did already and now I'm hurting. Dear Hurting, The cultural aspects of this situation make it especially complicated. Despite his feelings about his culture, the fact that he went through with the arranged marriage tells me that it is important to him on some level, even if he disagrees. But culture isn’t the only issue here. The fact that you admitted you are separated and he didn’t tell you from the start that he was married is more an honesty issue than anything else. Whether he gets a divorce or not, I think you’ve done the right thing for yourself by drawing a line in the sand. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less, I know. As good as our intentions may be to keep things casual, hearts don’t always play the game by the rules. You’re falling in love or you’ve fallen in love and that complicates the situation. So, without knowing anything about him or his background other than what you’ve shared, I would suggest giving yourself (and him) a little time before moving on or moving away. Maybe this is just another typical case of infidelity and he’s not going to divorce his wife. Of maybe, its possible that what he’s told you is true…he married her, going along with things that were arranged by others, but after meeting you realized that things could be different. He could choose love. I’m a romantic and I believe in personal freedom so I hope, for his sake, that he chooses what will make him feel happy and content in his life. But I’ll try to ground this with a little realism. Don’t wait forever. It’s ok to feel hurt by his lying to you because that was not acceptable. And you’ve had to do something very hard by breaking things off until he makes a decision, so let yourself hurt so you can heal. But maybe wait a bit and see what happens. Culture is a very strong influencing factor and it may be that he sticks with his marriage because he isn’t really prepared to turn away from tradition. But he may also choose a different path. In the meantime, it sounds like you’ve got your own relationship to make decisions about so I suggest using this time to think about what you really want to do…how you want to move forward. If you give yourself the time and space to think honestly about your own life and how you want it to play out, you’ll be able to make decisions about what comes next with more information and with more confidence. Spend some time on doing things that make you feel good and healthy. Amy Dear Amy,
I feel like I am being taken advantage of by my husband and stepdaughter. My stepdaughter is in school full-time in the evenings and graduates in April. She is 23 years old and recently divorced with a 3 year old son which I babysit while she is in school. We pay for all of her and her child's living expenses. So we are on a very tight budget. She has started another long distance relationship with an ex-boyfriend from high school. She spends a majority of her time on the phone w/him. She drops off her child early at my house so she can spend extra time talking to him on the phone before going to class. And comes back late so she can continue talking w/him after class. She starts internship on the 26th on top of her classes. Which means I would have to babysit full time. For six months I told her to enroll him in child care, but refuses to do it. I've told my husband my concerns and says he will talk with her. No results. When he has talked to her in front of me, it's only to ask what she has been doing and that's it. I feel my only recourse is to give up on my two online businesses that I have been building and go back out in the workforce. I already have submitted my resume and applications to a couple of places. This is something I don't really want to do, but what other choices do I have? Dear Taken, You do have another choice and its all about boundaries. It’s unreasonable for a 23 year old full-time student with a three-year old son to spend all her free time courting a new boyfriend. She has responsibilities. And while she may be going through a tough time given her recent divorce and her single-parenthood, you and your husband appear to have been more than accommodating to her. So here’s what you need to do. You need to set your boundaries. Figure out what you are able to do to support her. What hours can you babysit without having to give up your own career? How much financial support does she actually need? And then you need to enforce those boundaries. She doesn’t get to drop him off early and pick him up late. She needs to be working with your schedule as much as you are working with hers. If the cost of childcare is an issue, I can assure you that there is a lot of financial assistance for single mothers out there. The bottom line is that this is your life too and she’s not learning anything about being a responsible parent by delegating her parental responsibilities to you. I know you want to support her and your husband may not be good at establishing boundaries with her either but its something you both need to learn to do and to do together. I have a ton of empathy for her (and for you and your husband). Having been divorced, a single mother and gone back to school, I know exactly how hard it is and there were certainly days when I was pushed to my limits. But life is about making choices and priorities. Her child is her priority. Her school is her priority. You can’t make her choices for her. But allowing her to take your support for granted is not only unhealthy for you and for her, but will affect your relationship with her in the long-run. Stay calm and be kind but assertive. Amy |
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