Feeling Lonely in my Relationship

Dear Amy,
I've been in a relationship for a very long time and am very bored and lonely. We do have three kids together. The problem is he never pays any attention to me. He’s always on the computer and I'm doing household chores. When I do say something to him like we never do anything together he thinks I'm bitching. I think he would rather jack off then have sex. I'm so bored I'm thinking of ending this. Help! My family means a lot to me but I'm unhappy and feel alone most the time anyway. What should I do?

Dear Lonely,

       Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon problem. Computers, with all their wonderful and useful functions, have really taken a toll on relationships. The same goes for phones, tablets…technology in general. It’s much easier to give your attention to the almighty screen than to have to deal with the realities of another person’s wants, needs, emotions…
     The feelings that you’re having are real and are going to significantly impact your relationship whether he acknowledges that there is a problem or not. So what you’re going to need to do is to make him see that there are some serious issues you guys need to address. Maybe you are bitching a little bit…I know I did plenty of bitching once I was finally so fed up that I couldn’t find any other way to communicate. My suggestion to you is to take a breath and try to reframe the conversation. At the end of the day, this isn’t about him being on the computer or you doing all the housework. It’s about a lack of intimacy that’s developing as a result of those other symptoms. Just like the common cold, treating the symptoms only makes you feel better temporarily.
     So what does it look like to reframe the conversation? First, you need to get him involved in solving the problem. If he’s not invested, its not going to work. Talk to him about how the situation feels to you and how it’s negatively affecting the relationship. Don’t accuse. Ask him how he feels and be open to his answers. Try to be kind to one another. Maybe you can come up with some ways to improve things…date nights, common interests. Intimacy isn’t just about sex so look at creative ways to reconnect.
     And, if he’s willing, it might be a good time to seek a couple’s counselor to help with the process.


Wishing you the best of luck.

Amy