Stuck in the Past

Dear Amy,
I was in a relationship for 4 1/2 year. One year of that my boyfriend was incarcerated in Montana. Every month I would take off and go there. It cost me lots of money. He came back and was on probation. We loved each other very much and got along good. And then I don't know what happened. I told him to leave because he kept telling me he was going to leave me. Now I'm very sad and he did move on with someone else then came back to me. Now he's in a relationship with somebody 18 years younger and two small children. I have not been able to move on. We still talk every once a while but now his new girlfriend has put a restraining order on me but he didn't. I'm very sad. I cry almost every day but I have a good job and I work six days a week. People tell me to move on but I can't. I love and miss him. I feel he is my soul mate. What do you suggest?

Dear Stuck,

       Your well-intentioned friends probably have the right idea, even if it doesn’t feel terribly helpful right now. It sounds like your ex has moved on and that you’re going to have to do so as well. But that doesn’t make it easy and it doesn’t make it hurt less. It’s ok to feel sad and to miss your relationship.
     But here’s the catch…if you’re sad to the point where it’s affecting you on a daily basis then it might be time to seek some counseling. I have always had a hard time letting go, especially of relationships and people I love. I know how it feels to have to work through those emotions and figure out who you are without the relationship as context. So my heart goes out to you. What I’ve found to be true for myself, and it might be true for you also, is that you need to refocus your energy on yourself. It’s easy to idealize your relationship with your ex, but if you examine it closely in relationship to your own needs, you might be able to see the things that were missing more clearly. A good counselor can help you do this and support you through the process. At the end, you’ll come out feeling better about yourself and ready for whatever comes next. 

Wishing you love.

Amy