Dear Amy,
My boyfriend has not been with his wife for 19 years. I found out he wired her 100 dollars in November. Should I say anything to him about this? I also found two pictures of her on his phone. We both had seen a picture of her at a friends home. Her hair was cut very short so the conversation was about her. He said she texted him the photos so he could tell her it was not to short. They do not live in the same state. Should I care? Dear Dreading (at least a little bit), It sounds like you already do care a little. The real question is whether you should do anything about it and my general feeling is no. Do you and your boyfriend have a good relationship? If so, I’d say to be aware of your feelings, acknowledge them and then let it go. Do you share finances? (shared bank account for instance). If you do, then it would be ok to ask him about the wired money simply because then it also effects you. If not, then forget about it. Here’s the thing…people carry around a lot of baggage and it’s not unusual for ex’s to pop up here and there. It’s not a problem until it’s a problem. So unless there’s some bigger issue here, I’d just focus on your relationship with your boyfriend. From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like the ex poses much of a threat and unless there’s more to the story, I would just brush it off and move forward. Amy Dear Amy,
I have fallen in love with a man that can't or won't ever love me because of a soul crushing past marriage. I just figured this out and I am heart broken. I need help getting past this. I don't want to give up our friendship as we have known each other all our lives. This is painful in so many ways. Help me. Dear Heartbroken, I’m so sorry. Sometimes past relationships haunt us and I really hope for his sake that he finds a way to move forward. Love can be scary and painful, but a life without it sounds desolate. In the meantime, if you want to stay friends with him, you’re going to have to let yourself grieve. It’s ok to feel heartbroken. But try to keep in mind that your life is still full of possibilities. Maybe you friend just needs time and friendship and he’ll eventually heal. But the path he’s chosen, the one where he’s closed himself off to the possibility of love, is certainly one that you shouldn’t follow him down. Just be there for him. Be aware of your own feelings and treat yourself with compassion. Wishing you serenity and love. Amy Dear Amy,
There's this girl I like and I'm not sure if she's bi/lesbian too. We only have one class together and it's every other day. I don't want to ask her if she's because I don't want her to say no and not talk to me again how do I deal with this? Dear Unsure, The best relationships are based on friendship and if you become friends with this girl, you’ll get to know her well enough to know the answer to your question. Maybe you’ll end up dating or maybe you’ll just gain a new friend, but either way, you win. Amy Dear Amy,
I've been with my boyfriend 12 yrs and have 3 kids. He s cheated sooo many times in 12 yrs but last one I found out hurt worst they were 20 mins from me and my kids. He drove and drives her van and in October I found they had been living together for last two years while I begged every night and day for him to stay with us. He wants to be together with me and for me to forget the past but we don't live together nor does he want me to know where he lives. I have the kids but living with family so he isn't allowed there due to their anger for my hurt from him. Other then a little bit of support, I’ve had to provide for me and the kids with very little help. He gave me his phone code to unlock it but gets mad if I look every once in awhile. Gave me his email passwords not Facebook password. He has female friends I don't know he's known and last 1 year or so. I tried to be friends with them but she ran and tell him everything we talked about. He talks to her everyday call or text but she has a boyfriend and her and my boyfriend work out once a week or so. Hard because I've wanted so long for us to bond and workout together but after 3 years of being a personal trainer he got me 7 day pass after 3rd day he never took me back using excuses. He takes me to school and brings me home spending more time with us. Says wants to take care of us but won't get a job that pays enough to do that. Nor wants to watch kids so I can get a job to help. Pays cheaper stuff but refuses to help with car payment and insurance. Talks about loves me and wants us together. I get jealous because he can do what he wants go where he wants hang out with whoever and I have kids every night and day. I’m not free. Love my kids and he argues he's not free he's home yet I do see his text talking about going here and there he doesn't tell me. Is this worth trying or just walk away even with kids? Please help so tired. Dear Tired, I’m going to lay down some hard truth here. Your boyfriend doesn’t understand what being in a relationship with you and what being a father to his kids really means. And I’m afraid you’re letting him get away with some pretty bad behavior. I can understand that you love him and want him to be a part of your lives, but you have three children who need more from him (and from you). They need a father who takes responsibility for them. That means paying child support and helping with the kids. These are really not options. The minute he fathered those children he became obligated to care for them. If he can’t understand that on his own, you may need to make things more formal through the courts or through counseling at the least. But they need more from you too. They need you to advocate for them, to make sure that they are being taken care of because as they grow up, they’re going to feel the emotional effects of having a father who isn’t there for them. When you say that you’re stuck at home but he’s free, that’s partly because you’re letting him be free by not holding his accountable. I promise you no Judge is going to accept the “when its convenient” form of fathering going on here. But it’s going to continue until you put a stop to it. This isn’t really just a matter of walking away. Whether the two of you are romantically involved or not is really just a secondary concern. First, get the situation with the kids worked out and that’ll give you a better idea of where you and he stand. Write down your expectations. Be reasonable and do what is in the best interest of your children. Create ways to hold their father accountable for taking care of them too. You’re going to have a relationship with this man forever, regardless of what it looks like so now’s a good time to start making it more functional and healthy for everyone. And on a personal note, there’s never a good reason to have access to your partner’s email or Facebook account. If you feel you need access, then something is very wrong. And from what you’ve described here, I’d say he’s given you more than enough reasons not to trust him so whatever you’re looking for you’re likely to find. Don’t put yourself through it. I know this is hard and I can really understand how exhausting this must be but the truth is that you’re going to have to be strong and insist that he respect you, if not as his girlfriend, at least as the mother of his children. What he’s showing you now is not respect and it is not love. You deserve better and only you can make sure that you get better. Amy Dear Amy,
I’m having some middle school trouble. So I like four guys but I'm dating one of them and they all like me back. Please help with this problem. Thank you. Dear Troubled, This is a problem people face throughout their lives and what it comes down to is making choices that are respectful and compassionate. What does that mean? It means being fair to the people involved. If you like one boy but decide you want to date another one, the respectful thing to do is to stop dating the first one before starting to see the second one. And so on and so forth. This isn’t always the easy choice, but I promise it will lead to less hurt feelings in the long run. So, here’s the bottom line. Be respectful of the boyfriend you already have. Any boy worth your time will be respectful of that relationship too. Amy Dear Amy,
If a guy cheats on you and doesn’t try to fix it or call you ever, does he care about you? Dear Cheated, He may very well care about you. But his behavior suggests that he’s more with his own comfort/feelings than with yours. And while I’m all for making sure one’s own needs are met (a little selfishness is actually a good thing), being careless with other people’s feelings is a big NO in my book. I hope you’ll take this opportunity to look out for yourself and put this guy behind you. Amy Dear Amy,
Just last week my wife told me she wanted a separation. We've been together for 11 years and married for 6. We have 2 little girls. She say's she is no longer happy with who she is in our marriage, she knows she's being selfish, she doesn't love me that way anymore, and she needs her space and this is what she has to do for her. I offered to do whatever to work on our marriage she says I'm too late, that she is done. Neither one of us has the finances to move out and I don't want that anyway. She said she's willing to coexist under the same roof until she can acquire the finances to leave. I'm questioning her fidelity and am wondering if I there is a chance to save this marriage while we both coexist. Dear Blindsided, Nothing is impossible, but the path you are headed down is a difficult one. Co-existing would be hard work if you were both on the same page, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. If you’re working to save the marriage and she’s simply trying to move out, there’s going to be a lot of conflict. But you have two little girls that need to be in a stable environment so this is what I would suggest. Instead of focusing on your marriage, focus on being the best parents you can to those girls. Seek family counseling to work on coexisting peacefully. If there’s anything to salvage of your marriage, it may come out in counseling. But even if the marriage is over, you’ll be co-parenting for the rest of your lives and doing that well takes a lot of hard work. I know that’s probably not what you want to hear but I’m worried that the two of you being at cross-purposes is going to make the situation even harder than it already is, both for you and for your girls. And sometimes, stepping back and refocusing on something else that is important can take the pressure off, and maybe you’ll find you and your wife getting along better because you’ll share a common goal. Amy Dear Amy,
I became best friends with this girl my sophomore year of high school. She dated one of my best guy friends, B, and that didn't end well. He really hurt her and since she and I were together a lot I decided to stop being friends with him so that she wouldn't have to see him too much. She told me all the things that happened during the relationship and he had been a total jerk. Because of that I saw the bad in him and completely cut him off. I now know that wasn't the best choice. Now I'm in my senior year of high school and she is dating my only guy best friend. She likes to flirt a lot and she was friends with benefits with B, and my best friend, R, has a history of cheating. I know that if she breaks up with him and hurts him, I'll just lose her. But if he breaks up with her and hurts her, I'll stop being friends with him and resent her for contributing to the end of R's and my friendship. What should I do? I already told them I wasn't okay with their relationship. Dear Stuck, You’re going to have to work on being Switzerland, neutral. It’s hard when friends date because it changes the dynamics of the whole social group. But you can’t keep ditching guy friends every time your friend breaks up with one…especially since she seems bent on dating within your social circle. It’s admirable of you to want to shield your friend from discomfort, but you’re sacrificing your own friendships and it doesn’t sound like they’re doing the same. See what I mean? My suggestion is to lay it out this way…”fine, if you guys are going to date, I want you to understand that if you break up, I’m staying friends with both of you. You may not talk badly about one another to me because you need to be considerate of my feelings.” Sound reasonable? In this way, you’re standing up for your right to have friends and you’re making it clear that you have boundaries. You’re entitled to your own feelings about your friends without having those feelings influenced by their feelings about each other. You can’t control their behavior, but you can certainly control your own so I suggest taking the focus off of them and putting it on you and what you need to be happy. Amy Dear Amy,
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, when I was 14 and he was 16. Now I am 17 and he is 19 he gets on my nerves, but I love him very deeply. I find myself having a very flirty relationship with a 16 year old boy at my work who I fantasize about now and then. I decided to search this because it's becoming that bad. I would never cheat or leave my boyfriend, although I can't stop thinking about this boy from work. We have such a fun and playful friendship but he also has a girlfriend. I told him once I had a little girl crush on him and he said well you have a boyfriend which makes me wonder if I didn't things would be different between me and the co worker. It's very confusing for me. I think I love them both and I don't want to do anything to ruin my relationship or the friendship I have with this boy. Dear Choices, Life is full of choices and I think you’re going to have to make one soon. Unlike the movies, things don’t generally work themselves out into neat little piles. You’re very young and you’ve been with your boyfriend for a very long time. You have a whole life ahead of you and I think that what you’re experiencing now has to do with your own personal growth. As a girl who married her high school sweetheart (yep, that’s me), I want to suggest that you take a step back and give yourself room to have a life of your own. I’m trying really hard here not to sound like a stuffy adult saying things like “you’re too young” but having been in the exact spot you’re in now, I can tell you that your life is going to take a lot of twists and turns and that the things you think are important now may seem different later. The best you can do is to be honest, especially with yourself. Maybe the truth right now is that you’re not sure you still want to be with your boyfriend but you also love him and don’t want to hurt him. Maybe the truth is that your crush on the co-worker is a fleeting thing and it won’t amount to much. Choosing what to do next is really up to you because you’re going to have to live with the consequences of your decisions. But that’ll be true throughout your life. So what I would suggest now is to take a long hard look at yourself and what you want out of life. Will you be heading off to college soon? What will your life look like next year? Or in five years? Sometimes the decisions you make, hurt. The best thing you can do is to try to be compassionate and to be honest with those you love. There you have it. Wishing you luck and courage as you move forward in life. Amy Dear Amy,
I broke up with my boyfriend. I realized I want him back and I found out that he still wants to be with me. He doesn’t wanna be with anyone else and we both feel the same about each other. The only problem is...since I was the dumper He feels that I should talk to him first because if he does, he'll look desperate. I don’t know why but I'm so nervous to say hi and to talk to him. I feel like I'm scared that we'll break up again if we do but I don’t know why I'm so nervous around him. Dear Nervous, If you take a risk, sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen. But if you don’t take a risk, nothing happens. (Wisdom from the Golden Girls). If you want to get back together with this guy, then go ahead and just start talking. It sounds like you’re both worrying a lot about what might happen, and maybe a lot about what other people will think. But the bottom line is that getting back together is going to require someone to make the first move. Go for it. Amy |
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