When Will I Be Loved?

Dear Amy,
I'm 23 years old and I'm currently employed and not going to school. Since I can remember I've been a hopeless romantic. My sister often tells me that I’m just a poor girl looking for love. I've been in and out of relationships since I was 18 ... I've put up with so much and I've dated all types of men, nerds, geeks, thugs, business men and they all seem to say the EXACT same thing .. "I'm different " "I'm not like every other guy" .. Blah blah blah ... Every relationship I've had I've either gotten hurt or dumped ... this last relationship I had lasted a month and that guy would tell me how much he loved me , that he had found his soul mate, and that he wanted to marry me someday and than out of the blue he sent me a text saying we’re done ! Blocking me from all social media and his cell phone ... No explanation.. No reason I'm confused and he didn't give me the closure I needed I've fallen into deep sadness... Is it me? Why can't I be loved?

Dear Loved,

      I know exactly how you feel. From one hopeless romantic to another, I can tell you right now that yes, it’s you. But not in a bad way. You are a loveable woman with loveable qualities. Experience tells me that your problem lies in expectations. It’s hard being a hopeless romantic without a whole bundle of unrealistic expectations about what love should look like. And let me tell you, I struggle with this one still, even now that I am happily and contentedly coupled (see, it’s an ongoing issue but not one that’s insurmountable).
     In reading your message, one thing stood out to me. You say that you’ve dated all types of men but I would suggest that maybe that’s not entirely accurate. Despite the differences in careers and dispositions, its quite possible that you’ve been dating the same guy over and over again. I did that. I had a type and even when I thought the guy I liked was completely the opposite of my last guy…nope, not so much. So let’s consider the similarities between these guys you’ve dated. What were they like? How did they treat you? How did things end? Did you communicate well? Were there commitment issues?
     Ok, so if someone tells you they’re different or not like the other guys, don’t believe them. And not because they’re not unique, but because chances are, you’re choosing according to a pattern. Despite their awesome one-of-kind-qualities, you’re probably attracted to them based on qualities that you may not even be aware of. That’s why we’re taking a moment here to think about what patterns might exists in your previous relationships. Because the pattern-making is all about you, not about them. And as long as you are choosing based on that pattern, you’re probably going to find yourself disappointed.
     Something I learned about myself (mostly because I had the most amazing, no-nonsense counselor on earth!) is that I have made a lot of choices in men and relationships based on a lack of self-awareness and baggage from my life. Coming to terms with the things that make you you, good or bad, is half the battle (I think) to finding love and a lasting relationship. Because once you find that dream guy, you’re still going to need to pull some reality checks on yourself….Am I expecting to much? How am I contributing to this issue? Is this about him or about me? I ask myself these questions all the time. Heck, I asked myself these questions on the way back from lunch today. So don’t despair.
     The main thing I can suggest to you that I truly believe will help you is that you turn your focus inward. Work on you, on being happy with yourself and your life with or without a relationship. It doesn’t mean you’ll never have one, but sometimes when you put your energy somewhere else, you find that the thing you want actually happens without you realizing it. I am a chronic over-thinker so I try to apply my over-thinking to myself rather than to people around me. It helps.
     It’s going to be ok. You can and will be loved by a lot of people in your life. But the most important person to love you is you.

Amy