Dear Amy,
My ex boyfriend and I were together for 9 years and we have a son together. We have been broken up for 2 1/2 yrs and he has a new girlfriend that moved in with him about 9 months ago. But recently we been kinda hanging out together Iike for our sons b day we went and had dinner with his mom and for Christmas eve I invited him and his mother and they came over. Christmas day my ex came and picked me and our son up to visit his family. Anyways. We had a talk and he told me like this... " yes you know I have a girlfriend I do but its nothing. She's just there how can I say this she's just a convenience. I care, I mean I have feelings for her and I have feelings for you but more for you. I have feelings more for you. I still love you. I think about you everyday. You made me what I am today. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have my job. You did a lot for me and she knows that. I let her know that I don't talk bad about you. I have nothing bad to say about you. And I let her know that all the time! I don't want to mislead her or you. Right now I’m going through a lot too with her cause she knows how I feel about you. I don't take her around my family my mom hasn't met her nor my family no its not like that at all I won't take her around my family! " And as he was leaving he told me “don't worry I don't take her around my family!” I’m confused because I feel like he's avoiding me now. He called me to be ready that he was coming to pick me and my son up for the anniversary of his father's death - they were having a mass for him - and he never showed up he just left me and his son hanging! This upset me. I tried calling him once, no answer. So my question to you is what is he up too? Or was it all just lies? I don't know what to think! Please help me I don't want to get involved with him again if he's not being honest with his feelings. Dear Mixed, Let’s put things in perspective. Ok, so your ex has feelings for you. He probably always will regardless of whether you’re together or not. You’re the mother of his child and he should definitely feel love and respect for you based on that fact. And you will always have feelings for him, regardless of whether you get involved with him. So the fact that he’s telling you how important you’ve been in his life is actually a very honest admission, regardless of your relationship with him now. In other words, it doesn’t have to be so black and white. It could be that everything he said was true AND you shouldn’t get back together. I have two main thoughts. The first has to do with your son. You should be thinking about how getting back together and possibly breaking up again will affect your son. Proceed with caution. There’s nothing at all wrong with reconnecting but make sure that you both are always thinking about your son first because the decisions you make will undoubtedly affect him. And it is important for both you and your son’s father to stick to your word. If he says he’s going to come see you or pick you up, he needs to show up. You need to make sure he understands that this is the expectation and that its unacceptable for him to say he’ll come and then back out. That’s just good parenting. And then there’s the matter of your ex’s current girlfriend. I expect that he’s feeling conflicted, and that’s ok, that’s human. But, what does it say about his commitment to and respect for relationships in general when he tells you she’s just a “convenience.” My suggestion for you is this. If you even consider getting involved with him, make sure its after he’s made a clean break with his current girlfriend. Don’t be the other woman. It’s not fair to her or to you for him to be stringing either of you along. Understand that you deserve a man who’s going to be 100% present in your relationship and don’t settle for less. All relationships are complicated and take work so make sure you start out on the right foot. Amy Dear Amy,
I am very fat, and have a tiny penis, which does not even protrude from my body when standing. It has been a source of embarrassment my whole life, even though I have fathered a child and am happily married. My consuming obsession is a fantasy that I am naked in front of a woman, or group of women who laugh at me. I am not sure if this is healthy...what do you think? Dear Consumed, Two things. First, focus on the present. You have a healthy child and a loving marriage right? Make sure you take time everyday to appreciate the “today” parts of your life. Second, I am not a medical expert so I’m not going to offer medical advice but I am going to suggest talking to a doctor about weight loss. If your body image issues are causing you emotional stress, then it’s probably a good idea to start dealing with those issues. Talking to a doctor about losing weight and possibly to a counselor to work on the obsessive thoughts you’ve having about the size of your penis will help you live a much healthier life. I don’t think obsessing about anything is very healthy and it probably takes time away from the life you could be living. Amy Dear Amy,
In a relationship with a 76 yr. old man that I have dated 9 mos. He said he was 66 online. He has been divorced for 25 yrs. Dates a great deal. 3 daughters and 7 grandchildren. I was married for 15 yrs. I have been single for 25 yrs. and divorced that long. Both of us have not remarried a second time. His ex wife is getting divorced after 8 yrs. of marriage to a man who also ran off with her money. Being destitute, she wants her first husband back (the man I am dating). Problem is: their middle daughter is trying to put mom and dad back together and fall in love again. She is 75 yrs. old. That relieves them of many responsibilities. What the daughter does is invite the father over for dinner to be with 2 of his grandsons and then in pops the ex wife. She brings food and stays awhile. This happens every other month. She doesn't want to be alone and she knows he is dating me. I do believe I should exit this relationship. Your help is greatly appreciated. Thank you so much. Dear Looking, I’ve been thinking a great deal about your question and I find myself making some assumptions that may not be altogether correct. But here goes. You’ve been single a long time and my impression is that you’re finding this relationship to be more trouble than it’s worth? Is that close? Is the man you’re dating showing an interest in rekindling things with his ex? If so, then yes, maybe it’s a good time to step out of the relationship. On the other hand, if its just the daughter’s meddling that is frustrating, maybe a good talk with the man you’re seeing about boundaries and trust is in order. He and his ex seeing each other for a little while every few months is probably not cause for too much panic. Unless it is. How’s your relationship with him? How about your relationship with his daughter? f the bottom line is that you’re perfectly comfortable being single and this relationship is causing more drama than you’d like to have in your life, a graceful and compassionate exit might be just the thing to make things simpler. If, however, you would like to continue dating this man, then I suggest some open and honest communication about how the presence of his ex in his life and his daughter’s behavior is affecting you. Maybe he’s finding the whole thing annoying too and he needs to have a talk with his daughter about boundaries. Either way, I am a firm believer in making informed decisions that feel right for you. Your happiness is the top priority. Amy Dear Amy,
Not sure where to start. Been in relationship for 6yrs. Since 2yrs.things are boring, no kind of joy. On real note been like that for day one. I thought it was going to change. I’m fed up. Please help me? Stay or move on? Dear Bored, Six years is a long time and its’ not unusual for things to get a bit comfortable and routine. On the other hand, if its been this way all along, then maybe it’s worth considering why it’s bothering you now but didn’t then. Has something happened? Have you done anything to try to spice things up? If you want to stay in the relationship, then try to think of new and interesting things to do together. Find a new hobby or take a class together. The decision to stay or move is one that only you can make (after all, you get to live with the consequences of your decision). I suggest that you make it after having an honest talk with yourself about what it is you want and what you’re willing to do to get it. Amy Dear Amy,
I'm in high school (last year). My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months on the 19th. School is halfway over and he wants to move to away for college from 4-6 years of schooling. Me on the other hand, I'm staying here to go to college. I have been worried about it for a while and I know it's probably typical, but what do you think of long distant relationships? I feel it will be hard but I'm willing to take the chance of it means being with him in the future. Any advice for this? Dear Long Distance, The big challenge in maintaining a healthy long distance relationship is keeping the lines of communication open. Because you won’t be physically near one another, you have to create the intimacy in your relationship in other ways….mostly via talking, texting, emailing, Skype and whatever other modes of communication are open to you. People do this all the time with varying degrees of success. Consider all the military families that keep their relationships going even with long separation. Does it always work? No. But it is possible if you are both willing to talk openly and to support one another. So, one thing that I would have you consider is this. You’re both very young and you’re going to experience some really big things now in college and you’ll be experiencing it apart from one another. If you want to stay together, then do so. But be willing to be open and honest with one another as things change in your lives. That way, no matter what happens, your relationship will always be a happy place for your both. Sometimes we get stuck on the idea of what we think should happen and we forget to allow for people to change and grow. Be flexible. Be kind. Be there for one another. Amy Dear Amy,
actually have a few questions and hope you can give me some answers. Several yrs ago I got involved with a married man, it started out as sex, occasional times out to eat, occasional stays in motels to have time together, etc. He ended up telling me that he loved me and I was honest with him and told him that I didn't love him as much as he loved me. Was I wrong in telling him that, because now to this day he seems to throw that up when we argue? Down through the years we have dated, breaking up, getting back together numerous times because of our arguments. Second, while he was still married, going home to his wife, even though he was saying they slept in separate rooms, didn't really acknowledge each other, more or less lived like roommates, I met someone on an online dating site without telling him I was looking on the sites, and went to meet this person without telling him. During the months before I did this I kept asking was he ever going to leave his wife or what we're his intentions, but seems like he always tried to dodge the question and would give no answer, or would say he wants to be divorced and will be, no matter if we're together or not, but he would get it in his own time. Again, still to this day he constantly reminds me that I ran off to another state to meet someone else. I try to justify what I did by telling him that he was not making any decisions and was doing nothing to establish a relationship with me without being married, was like he wanted his cake and eat it too, so I did what I had to do. Was I wrong in doing this and was I not justified in doing what I did? Third, we do work together, have for all these years, actually that's how we met. A long time ago we were just "shooting the breeze", and he ask me who at work would I possibly sleep with so unfortunately I gave him a name, even though I had no intentions of acting on it, and in return I ask him the same question, and he gave me a name.....now still to this day he throws up the fact that I talk to this person that I named. Was I wrong in doing that even though he asked? Lastly, I have basically asked where our "so called" relationship is going, because I've decided that for spiritual reasons I want the sex to stop and us to entertain the thought of marriage if we plan on being together, but he continues to ask me "why would he marry someone who ran off to another state to meet someone else, who talks about anything and everything to the person they said they would possibly sleep with, who made him leave his wife when she had nobody, etc. Is there any way that this relationship can be saved if we decided to want it too, being at this very moment we are on a break!!! I know this is a lot, and I want to thank you in advance for answering. Dear Matters, The relationship you have with this guy is all wrapped in a lot of unavoidable baggage. Is it reasonable for him to have expected more from you (faithfulness, etc) than he was willing to give his own wife? No, of course not. Both his and your actions throughout this relationship have made things very complicated and it all comes down to matters of trust. Why does he worry about you talking to this other work fellow? Because he doesn’t trust you. And why doesn’t he trust you? Because trust really hasn’t been established in your relationship. He was fooling around behind his wife’s back with you, telling you what you wanted to hear so that he could keep things between you going. You were exploring other possibilities outside your relationship with him. On both sides of this relationship, there has been a lack of commitment and trust so him demanding it now or throwing that back in your face seems a little overblown. In love, anything is possible. But you guys would be carrying an awful lot of emotional baggage and history into a relationship moving forward. My question to you is, do you really want to be with this guy? The feeling I get from your questions leads is that you’re wondering that yourself. If you decide to try and make it work, start from a place of open communication and honesty. At this point, you have to figure out how to deal with the baggage. You’ve both got to be willing to leave the past behind you. If you can “start from scratch” you might make it work. If not, it’s going to be a hard road every time you experience conflict and one or the other of you brings up old business. Honestly, I would probably suggest taking a breather and focusing on yourself. Take some time to figure out what it is that you really want out of a relationship. If happily ever after is what you’re looking for, you’re starting from a very difficult position with this man. Impossible? No. But a lot of work I think. Take some time to consider whether you’re up to the task. Amy Dear Amy,
I am 12 years old and I am having problems right now. There is this guy at school that I've liked for 2 years and I want to talk to him but I am really shy around boys mostly the popular guys. Please help me. Dear Confidence, Finding the confidence to talk with people we like is a skill that you’ll be developing forever. Even as adults, we sometimes find it scary and uncomfortable to talk to the people we are interested in. We get nervous because we want them to like us back. And we’re not sure what they’re going to say. So, my best advice to you comes in two parts: 1) think about all the things that are wonderful about you…the things you like about yourself. Remember that there’s no one else in the world like you. And then, no matter what happens, no matter how someone makes you feel, think about those things. Loving yourself makes you confident, and confidence is one thing you’ll need to get past feeling shy. 2) be yourself. Once you’ve figured out all the things that make you special, don’t try to hide those things by acting differently around this boy, even if he makes you nervous. If he doesn’t like you just the way you are, he’s missing out. Be brave. Talk to him. Start with hello. Be friends. The best relationships start by finding things that you have in common and sharing those things. And no matter what, believe in yourself. The more you like yourself, the more others will like you. (P.S. to everyone else reading this, this goes for you too! I think sometimes we forget). Amy Dear Amy,
I seem to attract men with money, but feel lonely a lot of the time because of their inability to commit. Then recently I was approached by a friend of couple of years who confessed that he loved me and wanted to marry me. I have always felt the same about him, however I seem like I'm trying to find flaws. He is not wealthy, but he really seems to care about me. What am I so afraid of? Dear Fearful, You may also be having some problems with commitment. If we were sitting across the table, I’d ask you about your relationship with money. Is there something in your past that makes you feel financially insecure? If you’ve felt financial insecurity, even as a child, it’s possible that you’ve placed a pretty high value on financial stability in your life and its not surprising that that includes romantic involvement. It may not even be something you consciously consider. So I’d suggest taking an honest look at what you want in a relationship. You may find that the person who loves you meets all your criteria and can start focusing on his good points rather than worrying about flaws. The truth is that if you go looking for flaws, you’re going to find them. We all have them. You’ll never find someone who is perfect no matter what your definition, but you may find someone perfect for you if you can gain a better understanding of what drives you and what your needs truly are. And then be honest and open with your partner about the things that concern you. He’ll either love you for who you are, flaws and all, or you’ll find someone else who does. Amy Dear Amy,
I am 53 and the woman I am interested in is 50. I want to move forward with the relationship. I have known her a few years now and I rent an apartment from her. She is divorced and so am I. I have very strong feelings for her. I want to tell her how i feel but do not want to push her away. I feel like i have to get this off my chest with her so I know what I have to do. I am not getting any younger, and need a healthy relationship with someone. Dear Taking a Chance, Does she seem interested in you? So, I would suggest that you tell her how you feel. If she is on the same page, then great for both of you. If she declines, be prepared to be respectful and to let it go. Since you’re renting an apartment from her, I assume this is someone you want to maintain a good relationship with regardless so be honest but respectful whatever her answer may be. Wishing you luck and love. Amy Dear Amy,
I have been dating a guy for about nine months. A while ago he broke up with me because his friends were pressuring him to hate me. But, later the same day he "took it back". I forgave him and we started dating again. I don't know why I forgave him. I guess I thought I loved him. Anyways, he broke up with me again just a few days ago saying that breaking up with me the first time took a chunk out of our relationship that can never be replaced and that he knows his best friend likes me. He told me he still wants to be friends. I know his best friend likes me and had often found myself dreaming not about my boyfriend but his best friend. Should I stay friends with my ex? Should I date his friend? Dear Perplexed, Hmm. Sticky. So, I some red flags going up here (one of moments when I wish I could ask lots of clarifying questions). It seems “strange” to me that a half a day breakup could take some irreplaceable part of your relationship away. I’m not sure why this strikes me as odd but I think there’s more to the story. And why is the friend coming up in the conversation? Ok, so if you and I were sitting across a table, I would suggest that you leave that whole situation alone for a while. You can stay friends with your ex, but I wouldn’t date his best friend anytime soon. Not sure why your ex is suggesting that you do and when faced with uncertainty, I suggest caution. Generally speaking, dating an ex’s best friend is a recipe for all sorts of drama so even if he condones it, I’d still give it some time to see how things work out. And why in the heck are his friends wanting your ex to hate you? And on the same note, why in the heck did he take them up on it (even if he took it back)? My advice: stay civil and friendly but avoid any further emotional entanglements with this crowd until you have a better understanding on what they’re all about. Amy |
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