Dear Amy,
Me and my ex want to get back together. But we don't know when or if we even will. Our relationship ended horribly, but he still had feelings for me and I still had feelings for him. But the reason we broke up was because he wasn't independent and didn't show any affection in public and I compared our relationship too often and I didn't appreciate what he did. Dear Focus, Are you sure you want to get back together? Have things changed? Have you talked about how things will different this time? If you want to get back together, you’re going to need to address the things that broke you up head-on and find ways to work past those issues should they arise again. For instance, is he more independent now? Because if he’s not, that’s probably going to be an instant source of resentment for you. Same goes with the public displays of affection. If you’re thinking has changed then maybe it will work out, but past transgressions have a way of rearing their ugly heads. You are both carrying a lot of baggage from your previous relationship and you can’t just ignore it if you want to move on together. So two things, it sounds like you had some pretty specific feelings about his past behaviors and you’ll need to figure out to deal with those things now. Have you asked him about the public affection ban? Understanding why he feels that way might make it easier for you to cope. And establishing boundaries might help with the problem of independence. Then, when it comes to you, it sounds like he was feeling unappreciated. Recognizing when he’s making an effort and letting him you know you appreciate it is going to be essential in starting anew. And we all get stuck now and again in comparison mode, but you have to try hard to get out of that habit. Comparing never ends well. Every relationship is unique with its own set of people, dynamics and circumstances. It’s important to realize that someone else’s way of doing things won’t necessarily work for you, especially if it doesn’t come naturally. Consider whether you’re comparing because you’re unhappy with the situation or if you’re unhappy with your partner. If your discontent lies in something that is fundamental to you partner’s personality, chances are, its not going to change. Bottom line: talk. Be open and honest. Your chances are vastly improved if you start out from a place of solid communication and mutual acceptance. Amy Dear Amy,
I need help to end this relationship but save our friendship. We were best friends for over three years. He was hurt this summer in a serious car accident and he spent the majority of his time with me every day. I think this caused him to want a relationship, and he pushed it to go further. I went with it. He is in love with me, but I’ve mistaken my friendship love for real love. I tried to make love to him but it is horrible because there is no physical attraction. It does nothing for me. All physical contact makes me feel this way. I let him stay over because of his accident. It caused serious injury on the way home from work to home which is deep in the country and the woods. He stays with his parent but works far away. So I let him stay but since I agreed to the relationship he has not left. I HAVE NO SPACE!! I love him as a friend how do I tell him I love him as a friend and not hurt his feelings. Dear Friend, I am sorry that you are in such a complicated situation. It’s not at all uncommon for feelings to get really confused, especially on the heels of a big trauma. And I’m not sure there’s a simple solution to this problem. He’s probably going to be hurt no matter how gently you tell him and it would be a good idea to prepare yourself for that eventuality. I would suggest being honest but kind with him. Tell him that you’ve been really confused but that you treasure his friendship and don’t want to hurt him. Will that make it better? Probably not. But there’s no harm in letting him know that the reason this is so complicated for you is that you have strong feelings for him….just not the ones he deserves out of a romantic partner. It’s entirely possible that his feelings about you have also been amplified by the trauma of the accident. You took care of him and his feelings about you romantically are probably all tangled up with those traumatic feelings. So, the hard truth is that its likely going to hurt his feelings…but not half as much as you letting things continue until you are so resentful that you hate each other, right? And last but not least, figuring out that this isn’t going to work does not make you an evil person. Be kind. Be compassionate. But don’t let yourself be talked out of what you know is the right decision because you don’t want to be the bad guy. You’re not the bad guy. This is a very difficult situation but if you remain empathetic while sticking to your guns, it’ll be ok. Amy Dear Amy,
I don’t know what to do? My boyfriend is an abusive, jealous, drug addict. He has been in and out of jail. I have been dealing with that the whole seven years we have together. He has even cheated on me. We have an open cps case. Our kids got taken away. And can’t get them back till we do our classes we need to do and stay clean. I am staying clean and doing what I need to do. And he has not done anything. And right now he is in jail facing two theft enhancement charges. I don’t know if to leave him or what so I can be happy and get my kids back. Or wait till whenever he gets out to see if he is changed. Right now while he is locked up he is still telling me stuff, and blaming me for everything. Dear Waiting, Good for you for doing what you need to do for your kids. You and your kids deserve a happy, safe and stable life and it sounds like your boyfriend hasn’t even figured out how to do that for himself much less provide that kind of environment for you and your kids. There’s always a chance that he may change (though it doesn’t sound like it’s happened yet) but I would suggest not “waiting” to find out. Your kids need you. They need you to have a plan for how you’re going to parent them and for what’s going to happen when their dad is back in their lives. I would suggest talking with a counselor or an advocate (or both) and have them help you come up with a plan. If your boyfriend gets out and is a changed man, then you will have steps to follow on how to integrate him back into your lives. But if he doesn’t, you still have a responsibility to yourself and to your children to create a good, healthy life. Stay strong and healthy. Amy |
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