Getting Mixed Messages

Dear Amy,
     My ex boyfriend and I were together for 9 years and we have a son together. We have been broken up for 2 1/2 yrs and he has a new girlfriend that moved in with him about 9 months ago. But recently we been kinda hanging out together Iike for our sons b day we went and had dinner with his mom and for Christmas eve I invited him and his mother and they came over. Christmas day my ex came and picked me and our son up to visit his family.
     Anyways. We had a talk and he told me like this... " yes you know I have a girlfriend I do but its nothing. She's just there how can I say this she's just a convenience. I care, I mean I have feelings for her and I have feelings for you but more for you. I have feelings more for you. I still love you. I think about you everyday. You made me what I am today. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have my job. You did a lot for me and she knows that. I let her know that I don't talk bad about you. I have nothing bad to say about you. And I let her know that all the time! I don't want to mislead her or you. Right now I’m going through a lot too with her cause she knows how I feel about you. I don't take her around my family my mom hasn't met her nor my family no its not like that at all I won't take her around my family! " And as he was leaving he told me “don't worry I don't take her around my family!”
     I’m confused because I feel like he's avoiding me now. He called me to be ready that he was coming to pick me and my son up for the anniversary of his father's death - they were having a mass for him - and he never showed up he just left me and his son hanging! This upset me. I tried calling him once, no answer. So my question to you is what is he up too? Or was it all just lies? I don't know what to think! Please help me I don't want to get involved with him again if he's not being honest with his feelings.

Dear Mixed,

      Let’s put things in perspective. Ok, so your ex has feelings for you. He probably always will regardless of whether you’re together or not. You’re the mother of his child and he should definitely feel love and respect for you based on that fact. And you will always have feelings for him, regardless of whether you get involved with him. So the fact that he’s telling you how important you’ve been in his life is actually a very honest admission, regardless of your relationship with him now.  In other words, it doesn’t have to be so black and white. It could be that everything he said was true AND you shouldn’t get back together.
     I have two main thoughts. The first has to do with your son. You should be thinking about how getting back together and possibly breaking up again will affect your son. Proceed with caution. There’s nothing at all wrong with reconnecting but make sure that you both are always thinking about your son first because the decisions you make will undoubtedly affect him. And it is important for both you and your son’s father to stick to your word. If he says he’s going to come see you or pick you up, he needs to show up. You need to make sure he understands that this is the expectation and that its unacceptable for him to say he’ll come and then back out. That’s just good parenting.
     And then there’s the matter of your ex’s current girlfriend. I expect that he’s feeling conflicted, and that’s ok, that’s human. But, what does it say about his commitment to and respect for relationships in general when he tells you she’s just a “convenience.” My suggestion for you is this. If you even consider getting involved with him, make sure its after he’s made a clean break with his current girlfriend. Don’t be the other woman. It’s not fair to her or to you for him to be stringing either of you along. Understand that you deserve a man who’s going to be 100% present in your relationship and don’t settle for less. All relationships are complicated and take work so make sure you start out on the right foot.

Amy