Dear Amy,
My 35 year old married step-daughter is constantly calling her father and asking for money. She isn't working, has no car, abandoned her children and is living with some guy and his parents. Her father (my hubby) can't seem to refuse her and is always running to Western Union to send money. I'm fed up. How can I get him to stop sending our hard-earned money to her when she isn't even trying to help herself? Dear Fed Up, You probably can’t get him to stop. What you can work on though is establishing boundaries. His behavior isn’t terribly unusual. He enables her and she takes full advantage. The problem is that she won’t learn to be responsible and self-sufficient if you aren’t able to establish some boundaries. Parents sometimes find it impossible to stop giving help. They fear the worst…she will die without my help or how can I abandon my own child like this? But the truth is that all his financial support is doing is allowing her to continue making poor decisions. Children of any age learn to feel capable based on how their parents treat them. If your husband can show her that he feels she is capable of taking care of herself, maybe she will be. What I would suggest for you is to read a book on co-dependency. It’ll help you understand how your husband is feeling and may give you ideas about how you can help him see that his “help” isn’t really that helpful. If your husband is willing, I would also suggest seeing a counselor to work on this issue. Whatever is causing him to have this co-dependent relationship with his daughter needs addressing so they can both be more healthy and have a healthier relationship. Amy Dear Amy,
I feel like my wants are being put to a halt so my husband can be happy. I mean is it so wrong to want to expand our family? I want at least one more child...my husband doesn't. People have even went as far as to tell him to get a vasectomy and not tell me. He says we have beautiful perfect kids... a girl & a boy and that's all he wants. But, correct me if I'm wrong.... but when we're on our death bed no one says, "I wish we didn't have more kids." But, people do say that they wish they would've been able to have more children or a bigger family. I don't know how to not want what I want or, to not end up resenting him for being what I feel is selfish. He doesn't even consider how I feel he just says, "hell no I don't want anymore so no!". I don't know what to do. All I've ever wanted was a big family & to stay home & raise them up right. Am I wrong to want to bring more love & joy & also a little chaos into our lives!? Dear Impasse, This is a complicated problem and one that is going to require some serious communication and patience. Being at cross purposes when it comes to something big like having children can be extremely hard on a relationship. So first, I would suggest taking a big deep breath and breathing anytime you feel overwhelmed by the emotional parts of this argument. Ok, so let me ask something first. Did your husband know you wanted more than 2 kids before you go married or before you started having children? Was this something you talked about at the beginning? People change as time passes so pulling out the “but you knew I wanted a big family” card may not get you very far. I just wondered if this was something you guys had talked about previously. So, I’m going to ask you to do something that may feel really difficult in your current state of mind. I’m going to ask you to try to see things from his perspective….not because I think you’re wrong or your feelings don’t matter, but because coming to a resolution is going to take communication, understanding and empathy and it has to start somewhere. So let’s walk through this…you have two beautiful children who you both love and who (like mine and everyone else’s) probably take up tons of time and energy. Is your husband just feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of another child? Are there any financial concerns? Once my youngest was out of diapers, I was excited to move on to the next phase. Sometimes I look at other people’s babies and think “wouldn’t another one be so nice” but then I think about having to go back to diapers and bottles and everything that goes along with having a baby and it feels overwhelming to me. Is your husband maybe feeling that too? Marriages are partnerships, the good and the bad. You get a companion. Someone to share your life with. Someone to love. But as with business partnerships, you also find yourself in a situation where one person can veto the others vote and that’s what is happening here. Your husband knows he’s an essential part of the equation so he’s relying on the fact that his no vote means the debate is over. But who wants their marriage to be like a business? So you two are going to have to find a way to talk through this, even if its painful, and try to find some common ground. You’re a team and you need to be working together. After all, you have two beautiful children who need a stable and loving home life. And whoever suggested he get a vasectomy without discussing it with you…send them my way, they deserve a lecture on trust and respect. There should never be a need to take such drastic measures because you two should be working so closely together and communicating so well that it would never even occur to someone to make that remark. Make that your goal. My feeling is that you are both digging your heels in on this issue and under those circumstances there’s no happy way out. So take a breath. Take a step back. And try to consider this issue from his perspective. Ask him to do the same for you. Tell him that you love him and want to work through this without building resentments. Be honest without accusing or attacking. Tell him how it makes you feel when he dismisses your wants but also let him know that you’ve been considering his point of view so he knows that he’s not being disregarded either. Remember all the wonderful reasons why you chose to have children with this man in the first place and begin the conversation again from a place of mutual respect and love. Amy Dear Amy,
I have been dating a guy from Pakistan for about 4months. We are both head over heels crazy for each other. He always avoided having me around his family, though. I had asked about it before, but last night I finally confronted him and asked if he's ashamed of me or if it's a cultural thing. He admitted he is MARRIED! He says it was an arranged marriage, has only been about a year, and that he wants a divorce. The thing is, I am also married but separated and was open with him from the beginning. I'm hurt because he lied. I told him that I can't talk to him until/if he gets the divorce. He said that he really does want one, that he hates his culture, and that he will talk to me soon. He says he has never connected with anyone like he does with me and that he will never forgive himself for lying. I know I'm doing the right thing, but I was wondering if you have any advice on where to go from here? My gut says that he won't get a divorce but I'm worried that I will be waiting anyway. I didn't want to jump in to anything serious, but I think I did already and now I'm hurting. Dear Hurting, The cultural aspects of this situation make it especially complicated. Despite his feelings about his culture, the fact that he went through with the arranged marriage tells me that it is important to him on some level, even if he disagrees. But culture isn’t the only issue here. The fact that you admitted you are separated and he didn’t tell you from the start that he was married is more an honesty issue than anything else. Whether he gets a divorce or not, I think you’ve done the right thing for yourself by drawing a line in the sand. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less, I know. As good as our intentions may be to keep things casual, hearts don’t always play the game by the rules. You’re falling in love or you’ve fallen in love and that complicates the situation. So, without knowing anything about him or his background other than what you’ve shared, I would suggest giving yourself (and him) a little time before moving on or moving away. Maybe this is just another typical case of infidelity and he’s not going to divorce his wife. Of maybe, its possible that what he’s told you is true…he married her, going along with things that were arranged by others, but after meeting you realized that things could be different. He could choose love. I’m a romantic and I believe in personal freedom so I hope, for his sake, that he chooses what will make him feel happy and content in his life. But I’ll try to ground this with a little realism. Don’t wait forever. It’s ok to feel hurt by his lying to you because that was not acceptable. And you’ve had to do something very hard by breaking things off until he makes a decision, so let yourself hurt so you can heal. But maybe wait a bit and see what happens. Culture is a very strong influencing factor and it may be that he sticks with his marriage because he isn’t really prepared to turn away from tradition. But he may also choose a different path. In the meantime, it sounds like you’ve got your own relationship to make decisions about so I suggest using this time to think about what you really want to do…how you want to move forward. If you give yourself the time and space to think honestly about your own life and how you want it to play out, you’ll be able to make decisions about what comes next with more information and with more confidence. Spend some time on doing things that make you feel good and healthy. Amy Dear Amy,
I feel like I am being taken advantage of by my husband and stepdaughter. My stepdaughter is in school full-time in the evenings and graduates in April. She is 23 years old and recently divorced with a 3 year old son which I babysit while she is in school. We pay for all of her and her child's living expenses. So we are on a very tight budget. She has started another long distance relationship with an ex-boyfriend from high school. She spends a majority of her time on the phone w/him. She drops off her child early at my house so she can spend extra time talking to him on the phone before going to class. And comes back late so she can continue talking w/him after class. She starts internship on the 26th on top of her classes. Which means I would have to babysit full time. For six months I told her to enroll him in child care, but refuses to do it. I've told my husband my concerns and says he will talk with her. No results. When he has talked to her in front of me, it's only to ask what she has been doing and that's it. I feel my only recourse is to give up on my two online businesses that I have been building and go back out in the workforce. I already have submitted my resume and applications to a couple of places. This is something I don't really want to do, but what other choices do I have? Dear Taken, You do have another choice and its all about boundaries. It’s unreasonable for a 23 year old full-time student with a three-year old son to spend all her free time courting a new boyfriend. She has responsibilities. And while she may be going through a tough time given her recent divorce and her single-parenthood, you and your husband appear to have been more than accommodating to her. So here’s what you need to do. You need to set your boundaries. Figure out what you are able to do to support her. What hours can you babysit without having to give up your own career? How much financial support does she actually need? And then you need to enforce those boundaries. She doesn’t get to drop him off early and pick him up late. She needs to be working with your schedule as much as you are working with hers. If the cost of childcare is an issue, I can assure you that there is a lot of financial assistance for single mothers out there. The bottom line is that this is your life too and she’s not learning anything about being a responsible parent by delegating her parental responsibilities to you. I know you want to support her and your husband may not be good at establishing boundaries with her either but its something you both need to learn to do and to do together. I have a ton of empathy for her (and for you and your husband). Having been divorced, a single mother and gone back to school, I know exactly how hard it is and there were certainly days when I was pushed to my limits. But life is about making choices and priorities. Her child is her priority. Her school is her priority. You can’t make her choices for her. But allowing her to take your support for granted is not only unhealthy for you and for her, but will affect your relationship with her in the long-run. Stay calm and be kind but assertive. Amy Dear Amy,
I am so confused I do not no what to do or believe anymore. Six years ago I started sleeping with someone that was already in a relationship with another. This went on for a couple of years, which over this time I had grown quite fond of this person and found myself in love with them. I knew that the one they where with was wrong for them in many ways, but I never tried to force them apart. Now throughout this time they also have professed their love for me. Have managed to say they never want to lose me. And we both agree the sex is great. Well after about three years of making love everyday it stopped, now it was once a week hit or miss. Well I discovered they were seeing another so now there is three of us and even though they proclaim they love me and I have ruined it (sex) for everyone else, for I am the best and the other two don't even compare. Well they spend and get all of their time. As now they live back and forth between both of them. But they manage to see me everyday and do nothing but complain about both of them. They also claim they do not make love to them as its a waste of time. So that's what I get to make love and leave. While they both play house with them. So I guess I get the sex and they get to split the relationship part, So what is wrong with me? I am the best of both and then some, I satisfy there every need, They say they love me all the time, but not enough to be with me. What am I doing so wrong? I only want to be special and loved in return. Dear Relationship, I think that this is one of those cases where love just isn’t enough. You are really being treated very badly. I’m always a little wary of starting of a relationship with someone who’s already involved elsewhere. It’s tricky and it brings up issues of trust and respect for me. But the fact that your significant other has started another relationship in addition to the two already going is a big red flag for me. Is this intended to be an open relationship? Here’s the rub…you’re probably not going to get what you want out of this relationship. It’s not you. From what I gather, the person you’re with seems to be looking for something and they haven’t found it. Or they’re just being very unfair to you and everyone involved. It’s hard to know the exact motivations but it doesn’t sound like things are heading in a good direction for you. So here’s my suggestion. State very clearly what you want out of the relationship and then if your partner can’t deliver, say goodbye. You deserve to have someone who wants to focus on the relationship with you and only you. Unless you’re signing up for an open relationship, it’s really not acceptable to have to live with one by default. Amy Dear Amy,
I am having some issues with my relationship. I'm 19 and my boyfriend and I moved into his parents house six months ago from another city because we had both lost our jobs there and needed a fresh start. They said that we could stay with them as long as we both got jobs. From the moment I got there I was looking for work, filling out job apps, going to interviews. But my boyfriend just wasn't trying, I would try and help him the best I could but something would go wrong and he would get frustrated with me and the online application, and simply give up... His parents would try and help as well. They even went as far as filling out some apps for him. Month in and month out we are trying to help him. The more we help and the more he gets frustrated and shuts us all out... I got a job about a month and a half ago and the pressure is really on him, I understand that, but now it's nothing but negativity, and attitude from him. Because he is so negative to everyone, his parents have had enough of it and have given him until the end of February to find a job or even just show them that he is trying, until they kick him out... His parents treat me like one of there own and have told me if he gets kicked out I am more than welcome to stay. We are fighting way more than we ever have in the two year's that we have been together. If something doesn't change it could be the end of us... Amy PLEASE give me any advice you can! Dear Change, As you know, losing a job is really stressful and some people handle stress better than others. I would suggest that your boyfriend is really struggling with the loss of his job, having to move back in with his parents...that loss of independence can hit a person pretty hard. It sounds to me like he might be dealing with depression and unless he gets some help for that, its unlikely to get better. He may continue to withdraw and get angry and push you all away. If he is depressed, he may not know how to fix this or even understand that he needs that kind of help. So here’s what I would suggest. First, in dealing with him, I would suggest to him that he might need to talk to someone about his feelings – a professional. He may balk or refuse, but I think you should make the suggestion anyway. You could say something along the lines of “I’m really concerned about you and about our relationship.” Let him know that you’re not mad, you’re just concerned. You could even offer to go with him. It may work, it may not. But here’s where we move on to step two. Step two: keep your life on track. Start looking at your future and what it’s going to look like, with or without your boyfriend. Be honest about your plans with him. Start looking at other places to live. It might be tempting to stay with his parents even if they kick him out, but the reality is that he is their son and you need to set a clear path in case you two don’t end up staying together. It will get complicated and hurtful if you stay after they kick him out and won’t help the situation for him at all. Since they’ve given him a deadline, start making plans as if that’s your deadline too. Let his parents know how much you appreciate their support but also that it’s important for you to live as independently as possible. If they’ve been supportive thus far, they will most likely continue to support you, especially as you show them how responsible you can be. And maybe your boyfriend will take a cue from you. Once the energy in the house is refocused on you and your plans, maybe he’ll fall in line. Maybe he’ll see what is possible. And if you’re planning on moving out of their house and he’s planning on going with you, he’ll need to contribute. Sometimes being a role model is more effective than doing it for him. Involve him in discussions about options so that he knows he has some. And make sure you know what your options are too. Relationships are really important but you’ve got to take care of yourself first. Otherwise, as you can see, it all starts to fall apart. Wishing you good luck, Amy Dear Amy,
I have been married for 15 years and am no longer happy because there is no sex in my marriage. My husband takes mountains of prescription drugs and cannot sustain an erection even with Cialis. I want to have sex but know an outside relationship would end my marriage. I am 69 years old. How can I get my needs met? Dear Needs, I’d suggest two things. I am assuming that you’d like to stay married, you’re just frustrated at the lack of sex. If you are otherwise happy in your marriage, I’d suggest having a talk with your husband’s doctor about your continued problems. There may be options other than Cialis that will help get things functioning properly again. That’s my first suggestion. Second suggestion. Get a vibrator. Honestly, at the end of the day, finding ways to meet your sexual needs on your own might take the edge off while you’re pursuing other options for having sex with your husband. It’s a lot less complicated than having extramarital affairs and you might find that it does the trick. Then you can focus on having a happy marriage regardless of whether sex plays a large part. Amy Dear Amy,
Ok, so my question does have something to do with a relationship and I do love her, but it's a friend not like a love relationship question. I am 12 years old and I have a friend who is 14, she is one of my best friends and I look to her as a big sister, but I feel desperate for her attention and I don't know how to get away from that. I love her like a sister and when I'm like on the phone with her or something and people ask who I’m talking to, I say my sister. She gives me advice when I need it, but she never talks to me without me talking to her first, I don’t know what to do to not be so desperate. Please help?!?! Dear Desperate, Believe me, friendships are every bit as complicated as any other relationship. I think there are a lot of people who’ve felt the way that you do, including me, and here’s what I’ve learned. When we have really strong emotions about another person, even if its just friendly love, it can get really confused in our minds. And it usually has more to do with us than with the relationship itself. When I feel desperate for someone else’s attention, it’s usually because I’m feeling lonely or I’m feeling down about something going on in my life. The attention from that person makes me feel good so I start to crave it. Does that sound familiar? What I suggest is taking some time to think about yourself. How are you doing? What’s going on in your life…the good and the bad? What makes you happy? What are you good at? Here’s the thing – if you’re focusing on yourself…doing things that make you happy, developing your talents, taking care of yourself…you’ll begin to feel less needy of someone else’s attention and then you’ll feel better about having her attention to begin with. Does that make sense? What I would guess form reading your question is that you’re worried that your need to talk to your friend is going to push her away or somehow hurt your relationship with her. The best way I know to fix that is to refocus on yourself and work on making sure that you are as happy and healthy as you can be. Hope this helps. Amy Hi Amy,
You gave me advice about my ex and I’m trying very hard to do what's right regarding my son and I. Well my ex invited me and our son over for dinner again at his mom's house and we had a good time. So I kinda brought up the matter about getting back together again and I notice he gets a little nervous. He tells me like this..."I’m in a situation right now that I’m trying to get out of (meaning that he has a girlfriend living with him). So I asked him do you love her? He said no so I asked him do you love me? And he got nervous and started shaking his leg and said yes. I then told him well say it then, tell me you love me. He looked at me with concern into my eyes and said yes I do love you, I do. So I told him only you know how you truly feel and what’s in your heart. Either you want a family again meaning your son and I or you want to stay were you’re at. I mean he's telling me that its not serious and that he doesn't know how to go about it. I mean I don't expect him to just drop everything and pick up were we left off. But I do need him to be honest with me. I don't see him trying to get out of the situation. Also when we were at his mom's he started flirting and telling me that I’m beautiful and he tried to grab my behind. I feel like he's not taking me seriously! I didn't appreciate the way he was acting with me. One thing I can tell you about my ex is that he's always been a procrastinating person. He always waits to get things done when it's too late! So I feel that he's procrastinating when it comes between me and his girlfriend. I mean he made it very clear that his relationship with her is not serious at all that he just has her there for his convenience not to marry or take her around his family. Instead he's taking me around his family. What’s really going on? Dear Mixed, Good for you for bringing it up and making your ex have to talk about it, regardless of how nervous it might make him. If he tends to procrastinate, he may very well be putting things off until they reach a critical point. Procrastination and being non-confrontational sometimes go hand in hand. So I would guess that what’s happening right now is that he’s in “wait and see” mode. He’s kind of having this relationship with is current girlfriend but he’s checking out what might be possible with you. Wouldn’t it be great if we could all just play around and see what happens? Yeah, probably not. What’s he’s doing to you right now is unfair and whether he’s aware of that or not doesn’t change the situation. You can’t make him change his behavior. But you can change the way you behave and react when you’re with him. You’re going to need to spell things out for him. First, him trying to touch your behind when he has a girlfriend at home is just inappropriate and you need to tell him that that behavior has to stop. You don’t have to let him have it both ways. You can say “hey, I’m open to a relationship with you but not while you’re with her.” That’s not only appropriate but it’s more fair to you and to her. If he chooses not to end things with her, then you’re getting a clear signal…time to move on. Having lived with a procrastinator, I can tell you that it doesn’t go away. The best you can do for yourself and your son are to draw your boundaries and to enforce them. If your ex wants to be with you, then he needs to step up. And if he doesn’t, than you deserve someone who will. Amy Dear Amy,
I'm a 43yr old man been married for 17 yrs. I love my wife! Have no sex drive! Every thing works fine just no drive???? Dear Running, I am not a medical expert but I would suggest that you go see your doctor. There are a lot of physical and psychological things that can affect sex drive so I’d start with the physical and then work your way through the possibilities. Good luck! Amy |
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