Was I Wrong?

Dear Amy, 
      actually have a few questions and hope you can give me some answers. Several yrs ago I got involved with a married man, it started out as sex, occasional times out to eat, occasional stays in motels to have time together, etc. He ended up telling me that he loved me and I was honest with him and told him that I didn't love him as much as he loved me. Was I wrong in telling him that, because now to this day he seems to throw that up when we argue? Down through the years we have dated, breaking up, getting back together numerous times because of our arguments.
     Second, while he was still married, going home to his wife, even though he was saying they slept in separate rooms, didn't really acknowledge each other, more or less lived like roommates, I met someone on an online dating site without telling him I was looking on the sites, and went to meet this person without telling him. During the months before I did this I kept asking was he ever going to leave his wife or what we're his intentions, but seems like he always tried to dodge the question and would give no answer, or would say he wants to be divorced and will be, no matter if we're together or not, but he would get it in his own time. Again, still to this day he constantly reminds me that I ran off to another state to meet someone else. I try to justify what I did by telling him that he was not making any decisions and was doing nothing to establish a relationship with me without being married, was like he wanted his cake and eat it too, so I did what I had to do. Was I wrong in doing this and was I not justified in doing what I did?
     Third, we do work together, have for all these years, actually that's how we met. A long time ago we were just "shooting the breeze", and he ask me who at work would I possibly sleep with so unfortunately I gave him a name, even though I had no intentions of acting on it, and in return I ask him the same question, and he gave me a name.....now still to this day he throws up the fact that I talk to this person that I named. Was I wrong in doing that even though he asked?
     Lastly, I have basically asked where our "so called" relationship is going, because I've decided that for spiritual reasons I want the sex to stop and us to entertain the thought of marriage if we plan on being together, but he continues to ask me "why would he marry someone who ran off to another state to meet someone else, who talks about anything and everything to the person they said they would possibly sleep with, who made him leave his wife when she had nobody, etc. Is there any way that this relationship can be saved if we decided to want it too, being at this very moment we are on a break!!! I know this is a lot, and I want to thank you in advance for answering.

Dear Matters,

      The relationship you have with this guy is all wrapped in a lot of unavoidable baggage. Is it reasonable for him to have expected more from you (faithfulness, etc) than he was willing to give his own wife? No, of course not.  Both his and your actions throughout this relationship have made things very complicated and it all comes down to matters of trust. Why does he worry about you talking to this other work fellow? Because he doesn’t trust you. And why doesn’t he trust you? Because trust really hasn’t been established in your relationship. He was fooling around behind his wife’s back with you, telling you what you wanted to hear so that he could keep things between you going. You were exploring other possibilities outside your relationship with him. On both sides of this relationship, there has been a lack of commitment and trust so him demanding it now or throwing that back in your face seems a little overblown.
     In love, anything is possible. But you guys would be carrying an awful lot of emotional baggage and history into a relationship moving forward. My question to you is, do you really want to be with this guy? The feeling I get from your questions leads is that you’re wondering that yourself. If you decide to try and make it work, start from a place of open communication and honesty. At this point, you have to figure out how to deal with the baggage. You’ve both got to be willing to leave the past behind you. If you can “start from scratch” you might make it work. If not, it’s going to be a hard road every time you experience conflict and one or the other of you brings up old business.
      Honestly, I would probably suggest taking a breather and focusing on yourself. Take some time to figure out what it is that you really want out of a relationship. If happily ever after is what you’re looking for, you’re starting from a very difficult position with this man. Impossible? No. But a lot of work I think. Take some time to consider whether you’re up to the task.

Amy