Dear Amy,
Just last week my wife told me she wanted a separation. We've been together for 11 years and married for 6. We have 2 little girls. She say's she is no longer happy with who she is in our marriage, she knows she's being selfish, she doesn't love me that way anymore, and she needs her space and this is what she has to do for her. I offered to do whatever to work on our marriage she says I'm too late, that she is done. Neither one of us has the finances to move out and I don't want that anyway. She said she's willing to coexist under the same roof until she can acquire the finances to leave. I'm questioning her fidelity and am wondering if I there is a chance to save this marriage while we both coexist. Dear Blindsided, Nothing is impossible, but the path you are headed down is a difficult one. Co-existing would be hard work if you were both on the same page, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. If you’re working to save the marriage and she’s simply trying to move out, there’s going to be a lot of conflict. But you have two little girls that need to be in a stable environment so this is what I would suggest. Instead of focusing on your marriage, focus on being the best parents you can to those girls. Seek family counseling to work on coexisting peacefully. If there’s anything to salvage of your marriage, it may come out in counseling. But even if the marriage is over, you’ll be co-parenting for the rest of your lives and doing that well takes a lot of hard work. I know that’s probably not what you want to hear but I’m worried that the two of you being at cross-purposes is going to make the situation even harder than it already is, both for you and for your girls. And sometimes, stepping back and refocusing on something else that is important can take the pressure off, and maybe you’ll find you and your wife getting along better because you’ll share a common goal. Amy Dear Amy,
I became best friends with this girl my sophomore year of high school. She dated one of my best guy friends, B, and that didn't end well. He really hurt her and since she and I were together a lot I decided to stop being friends with him so that she wouldn't have to see him too much. She told me all the things that happened during the relationship and he had been a total jerk. Because of that I saw the bad in him and completely cut him off. I now know that wasn't the best choice. Now I'm in my senior year of high school and she is dating my only guy best friend. She likes to flirt a lot and she was friends with benefits with B, and my best friend, R, has a history of cheating. I know that if she breaks up with him and hurts him, I'll just lose her. But if he breaks up with her and hurts her, I'll stop being friends with him and resent her for contributing to the end of R's and my friendship. What should I do? I already told them I wasn't okay with their relationship. Dear Stuck, You’re going to have to work on being Switzerland, neutral. It’s hard when friends date because it changes the dynamics of the whole social group. But you can’t keep ditching guy friends every time your friend breaks up with one…especially since she seems bent on dating within your social circle. It’s admirable of you to want to shield your friend from discomfort, but you’re sacrificing your own friendships and it doesn’t sound like they’re doing the same. See what I mean? My suggestion is to lay it out this way…”fine, if you guys are going to date, I want you to understand that if you break up, I’m staying friends with both of you. You may not talk badly about one another to me because you need to be considerate of my feelings.” Sound reasonable? In this way, you’re standing up for your right to have friends and you’re making it clear that you have boundaries. You’re entitled to your own feelings about your friends without having those feelings influenced by their feelings about each other. You can’t control their behavior, but you can certainly control your own so I suggest taking the focus off of them and putting it on you and what you need to be happy. Amy Dear Amy,
I'm writing to you to find out how I can possibly stay sober. I didn't drink anything for three months but when my boyfriend drinks, I drink. I am an alcoholic and I come from a family of alcoholic's down to my mother, who is no longer here, my father and my brother. I'll be 42 years old and I've drank the majority of my life. I want to never drink again but still find ways to have fun. I do dumb things when I drink. I'm subject to anything. My boyfriend accuses me of cheating all the time, which I'm not, and he always says things to hurt my feelings. I then turn to drinking as well it only makes things worse with our relationship I just want to be happy I go out of my way for this man. Please give me a little advice. Thank you. Dear Want to Quit, Is your boyfriend an alcoholic? Have you been to AA? Part of staying sober is about having support. AA provides support. Or, if AA seems a little too scary at first, you might try Al-Anon instead. Coming from a long line of alcoholics definitely affects your behaviors. Having a boyfriend and friends who support your desire not to drink could be a big factor. There are TONS of ways to have fun without drinking but you have to develop new habits. Get help. Don’t be afraid to tell people that you’re trying to stop drinking and surround yourself with people who will support you. Find an AA or Al-Anon meeting (and if you aren’t comfortable in one, try another one…the Resources page has a link to both agencies so you can find a nearby meeting). That you’re reaching out for help to me is a great first step. So now, just have to courage to take the next one. Amy Dear Amy,
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, when I was 14 and he was 16. Now I am 17 and he is 19 he gets on my nerves, but I love him very deeply. I find myself having a very flirty relationship with a 16 year old boy at my work who I fantasize about now and then. I decided to search this because it's becoming that bad. I would never cheat or leave my boyfriend, although I can't stop thinking about this boy from work. We have such a fun and playful friendship but he also has a girlfriend. I told him once I had a little girl crush on him and he said well you have a boyfriend which makes me wonder if I didn't things would be different between me and the co worker. It's very confusing for me. I think I love them both and I don't want to do anything to ruin my relationship or the friendship I have with this boy. Dear Choices, Life is full of choices and I think you’re going to have to make one soon. Unlike the movies, things don’t generally work themselves out into neat little piles. You’re very young and you’ve been with your boyfriend for a very long time. You have a whole life ahead of you and I think that what you’re experiencing now has to do with your own personal growth. As a girl who married her high school sweetheart (yep, that’s me), I want to suggest that you take a step back and give yourself room to have a life of your own. I’m trying really hard here not to sound like a stuffy adult saying things like “you’re too young” but having been in the exact spot you’re in now, I can tell you that your life is going to take a lot of twists and turns and that the things you think are important now may seem different later. The best you can do is to be honest, especially with yourself. Maybe the truth right now is that you’re not sure you still want to be with your boyfriend but you also love him and don’t want to hurt him. Maybe the truth is that your crush on the co-worker is a fleeting thing and it won’t amount to much. Choosing what to do next is really up to you because you’re going to have to live with the consequences of your decisions. But that’ll be true throughout your life. So what I would suggest now is to take a long hard look at yourself and what you want out of life. Will you be heading off to college soon? What will your life look like next year? Or in five years? Sometimes the decisions you make, hurt. The best thing you can do is to try to be compassionate and to be honest with those you love. There you have it. Wishing you luck and courage as you move forward in life. Amy Dear Amy,
I broke up with my boyfriend. I realized I want him back and I found out that he still wants to be with me. He doesn’t wanna be with anyone else and we both feel the same about each other. The only problem is...since I was the dumper He feels that I should talk to him first because if he does, he'll look desperate. I don’t know why but I'm so nervous to say hi and to talk to him. I feel like I'm scared that we'll break up again if we do but I don’t know why I'm so nervous around him. Dear Nervous, If you take a risk, sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen. But if you don’t take a risk, nothing happens. (Wisdom from the Golden Girls). If you want to get back together with this guy, then go ahead and just start talking. It sounds like you’re both worrying a lot about what might happen, and maybe a lot about what other people will think. But the bottom line is that getting back together is going to require someone to make the first move. Go for it. Amy Dear Amy,
I'm in my early 20s and when I first got to college, as someone who didn't have many dates before that, indulged in many one-night stands and also, on several occasions, paid for sex. I bitterly regret doing the latter, because I know it's a mixed thing morality wise, many of the women are forced into it and it's also illegal. I wasn't aware of these things until I'd stopped. I couldn't believe I did something that in many ways is a horrible thing for women. I did treat the women with respect and it was consensual. I'm worried because I know that many women don't like the idea of a man hiring an escort because it can be degrading or whatever, but these things never crossed my mind. I keep telling myself I'm human, and being human, you make mistakes but I can't shake these bad decisions. My promiscuity is in the past and I really want to have relationships in the future, but did I already blow my shot? Do I even have to share this? I wouldn't judge a woman over her sexual past but I don't know if any future partners would feel the same. Dear Remorseful, You are neither the first nor the last college kid who went a little overboard with the newfound freedom of adulthood. The fact that you now recognize the downside to your past behavior is actually pretty darned self-aware…a lot of people never reach that kind of awareness. There are only two ways that your behavior could impact your future relationships: 1) if you were unsafe and ended up with a sexually transmitted infection as a result, and 2) if you can’t find a way to forgive yourself for your actions. Starting wit the first issue: one of the risks of sexual promiscuity is the spread of sexual transmitted infections (STI). If you pick something up along the way, there could be health related issues for you and, of course, it could affect future sexual relationships. Does that mean you can’t have a relationship? Of course not! But I would suggest an STI screening with your local doctor or public health clinic so that you will know for sure whether there is anything to worry about. This is one way to take responsibility for your past behavior. Second, let’s talk about your emotional well-being. You’re carrying around a lot of guilt and while it’s good that you’re thinking carefully about the implications of your actions, you’re going to have to find a way to forgive yourself. I knew a lot of people in college who were heavy into drugs and alcohol. There was a lot of rampant and unsafe sex going on. You’re not alone and you’re not a bad person for having had a lot of casual sex. But you may not have realized at the time how this behavior was going to affect you emotionally in the long-term. That’s the problem with sex. It feels great but it carries a lot of emotional weight for both men and women. And now that you understand that, you can make more informed decisions for yourself moving forward. You are not obligated to share the details of your sexual experiences with anyone. It’s yours. It’s private. But please make sure you’d not hiding it. Know what I mean? If you’re keeping it a secret because you’re ashamed of it, then maybe it’s time to talk with a counselor about it. Moving forward…Make sure that you know you have a clean bill of health so that you don’t put your partners at risk. And then move on with your life. Be respectful. Have fulfilling relationships. Have amazing, consensual sex. You’re human. Learn from your mistakes and embrace your life. Amy Dear Amy,
I'm a woman in my mid-fifties who was in a fairly brief (4 month) relationship. My "boyfriend" was very intense and pushy, which made me feel uncomfortable, so I ended the relationship as delicately as I could. He seemed to take it as well as could be expected when we spoke in person, but I had a feeling that I hadn't heard the last of him; that he would try to continue the conversation with me. I was right. In the week since our "breakup conversation," he has sent me three lengthy texts and I have not responded because I don't want to engage in further conversation about this, or "fuel the fire." It seems that, as intense and pushy as he was being during the relationship, he is being equally intense and pushy about the breakup. Do you think I'm doing the right thing by not responding to his texts? Or do you think I should respond with a phone call to ask him to stop contacting me? Dear Pushed, If intense and pushy is engrained in his personality, it’s not surprising that those behaviors are continuing. I would suggest one very short and straightforward text back that says something along the lines of “Please don’t contact me again.” Don’t apologize. Don’t justify. If you want to, you can acknowledge his feelings by saying something like “I understand that you’re struggling with this but…” Usually, I would recommend ignoring the whole sting of texts but on the small chance that his pushiness becomes harassment, at least you’ll have proof that you asked him to stop. Most likely, he’s just one of those people who has a hard time taking a hint and sometimes you just have to spell it out for those people. Amy Dear Amy,
This past New Year’s Eve I was unable to attend with my boyfriend and a few of our couples friends we have been out with on several occasions for years now. On New Years Day, I awoke to find a picture of my boyfriend with his face buried in our married friends breast with the comment “thank god we are good friends.” Am I overreacting by telling them that I feel disrespected, that I am absolutely crushed by the inappropriate act that they say was staged. I feel it showed an intimacy shared by the two of them. I feel it was a very unkind thoughtless act and that I am being made fun of. I am flat-chested and she is very well endowed Am I wrong in feeling that? Dear Disrespected, I think your boyfriend and friend made a very poor, thoughtless decision and that it probably had nothing to do with you at all. More likely, there was some drinking going on (New Year’s Eve, right?) and people sometimes do stupid things when they’re drinking. It’s all in fun, right? Yeah, not so much. It’s understandable that you’re feeling crummy about the picture and I think you should talk to your boyfriend (and probably your friend as well) about how you’re feeling. You’re entitled to your feelings. The trick is taking this opportunity to have a meaningful talk about those feelings. If you approach it in terms of how their act made you feel, without accusing, without assuming that you know what their intentions were, the conversation will probably go a lot better. I doubt your boyfriend meant to make you feel bad. But he needs to understand how his actions made you feel so it won’t happen again. Amy Dear Amy,
I have been in a relationship for 8 years. It has been very difficult. He has told me several times that he does not want to see me anymore and that we would never be a couple. I don't talk to him, and then 3 or 4 weeks later he is back to texting and calling me. We are both 61 years old and he does not want to face the fact that he is getting old. He wants someone who is younger. Friends tell me I need to walk away from him and move forward. Dear Difficulty, This sounds beyond difficult…whatever his motivations are (and I know that getting old is especially hard for men), he’s really treating you very badly. He’ll keep coming back because he’s not being honest with himself about what he really wants and needs. Younger isn’t necessarily better. But, putting that aside, my main concern is with you. Despite the history you to share, it’s probably time to consider whether this relationship is really healthy for you. You deserve someone who’s going to treat you well and the easiest way to find that someone is to demand that you be treated well. Make it unacceptable for this guy to ditch you and then call again later. Draw the line and let him know you’re doing so, not because you don’t care for him, but because you care about yourself. Amy Dear Amy,
I'm having the weirdest issue. I've been with my girlfriend about 7 months, and I get along great with her family. But her family talks about her to me and I'm getting a bit scared. Her step-father does it the most, he basically warns me about her. Tells me if I decided to break it off he understands why because guys never stick around. He's also her landlord and tells me how nasty the house is when I'm not around, and how filthy she is on a regular basis. He tells me he's feels I should know what's really going on, and not to move into her place and leave my own. And it seems he genuinely is looking out for me, other family members also comment about similar things. I fell in love with her from the day I met her, and even though she lives 8 hrs away I was willing to move. But her family warning me is a tough pill to swallow and I'm literally scared at this point. What do I do? Nobody ever sticks around and this is why. If I tell her I run the risk of being hated by her family. Dear Scared, feel really sorry for this girl. Her family is sabotaging her relationship with you. It doesn’t really matter if what they say is “true”, because it’s really an issue of perspective. Whatever issues they have with her, and as much as they may like you, its really pretty rotten of them to be bringing this to you in this manner. If she was a serial killer or a drug addict, then maybe it might be good for you to know that ahead of time. But not a neat freak? I can think of many worse qualities. And maybe with you, she’ll tidy up. Maybe she’s never had much motivation to do so before. Either way, this decision is really yours and I suggest you consider it very carefully. On the one hand, you may move in with a slob and decide that’s not the life you want…there are no guarantees no matter what you do. On the other hand, if you bend to this pressure, you may lose the girl of your dreams. Is it worth it? Whatever you decide, you're the one who will have to live with the decision so make sure it's you who's deciding, not them. PS, maybe nobody ever sticks around because her family runs them off. Consider that. Amy |
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