Dear Amy,
Recently I've moved and find it difficult to make female friends like the ones I had back home. I know it's a new place and I need to give it some time, but it's been over a year and things are still the same. I work at home, so I don't go out much (which I am aware that doesn't help), but I did have a job for 4 months and still no luck. Everyone was very nice when I worked there but as soon as I left, no one kept in touch. I tried to call people and do things but it never worked out. I know I will never have the exact same type of friends like the ones I had before, but I like to meet new and different people, so I wasn't expecting it to be this hard. My best friend moved closer but is still too far to make a daily trip, so I don't get to see her that often. When I do, I feel great for a few weeks, then it's back to having no one around except for my kids (though I enjoy their company very much, I still want to have adult friends). When my boyfriend is around, I'm perfectly fine. I'm happy, busy, and creative. When he leaves for work on his 8 day sessions I want to hang out with people, have adult conversation, and basic interact. Back home all I had to do was go across the street or make a phone call and someone was there. Here I have my neighbors but no one ever wants to do anything. One of them I get along with the husband better than the wife so hanging out with them doesn't work. I always feel extremely uncomfortable and refuse to feel like that any more. I've met a few women and when I tried to hang out with them they were either oogling my boyfriend (which I will have none of) or wound up being absolutely insane (even by my standards). I get depressed often because I literally feel like I have no one to talk to when my boyfriend is gone. There is no social connection here unless I drink, which I don't anymore, and I'm getting frustrated with it all. I even went so far as to sign up on a girl friend hang out website online to find female friends. And though I deleted it (because it was super weird to me), it made me realize something: In high school I got along better with the boys than the girls. I loved to play sports, climb trees, get dirty, and have fun. Even though I liked to dress up sometimes, do my hair, and other basic teenage girl stuff, I still would rather build a tree house if I had a choice. Not to mention the fact that most of the girls I was around were mean as hell. It was pretty much like the movie 'Mean Girls'. (Not to say that the boys were any less mean, but there were a lot fewer who were). In other words, it was less drama being friends with boys. Several years, and a few moves, later I wound up in a place where I made a lot of girlfriends. They were all amazing women, each in their own right, and I loved it. I spent years in this one place with good friends and thought it would be like that everywhere. I found out quickly that it's not. It feels a lot like high school pettiness all over again. That's when I realized, all of my friends, including my male friends, have something in common. They are all strong, loving, loyal, and independent people. Every one of them. Even when they don't feel that they are, they are. They are the people I look up to and that I'm happy to be around because they are very much like me. And that's when I saw that the people I've been trying to be friends with are nothing like that. You see, being strong is different than being stubborn. Being loving is different than being in charge all of the time. Being independent doesn't mean solitude. And some people have no idea what loyalty means. So I believe that this is my problem. I have yet to meet a female friend who has these qualities, therefore we wind up not getting along. Or they get weirded out because I want to do so much stuff, like hang out or have an impromptu BBQ. I feel like I know as soon as I meet them. I give it my best chance and then, BAM!, the person I thought they were in the first place emerges. I'm not going to change who I am so I can make friends who aren't real. That's not me and my friends have always accepted me just the way I am, crazy and all. So my question is: How can I meet friends that are like the ones I had back home? Dear Friendless, You have the answer right in your first paragraph…you can’t. You can’t meet friends just like the ones you had back home. But that certainly doesn’t mean that you won’t make good friends. Even girls. We all think that being an adult is going to somehow magically transport us past all that high school bullshit but it doesn’t unfortunately. It sounds to me like you’re stuck between wanting what you had and embracing your new home. But consider this, you’re in a different place and you may have to take a different approach to making friends. What I’m hearing is that you want female friends who will accept you just as you are (the good and the bad). That’s an excellent goal. What I’m also hearing is that you tended to have more boy friends than girl friends because of the activities they liked to engage in. Have you considered looking for friends based on common interests rather than gender? For instance, maybe you can find a group of proverbial tree climbers and join in. If you’re outdoorsy, look for some hiking groups or learn a new sport. Let the activity come first so that you are enjoying doing something first before you have to worry about meeting people. I moved back to my hometown about 7 years ago and when I arrived I thought “this’ll be great. I have so many friends already.” Guess what, not so much. I was never as lonely as I was in that first year back home. All my old friends had moved on and they weren’t very inviting. I missed the place I moved from. I missed my friends and my life. I worked at home too so I never met anyone. It wasn’t until I joined a civic group that I started meeting people. Most of them weren’t really “friend” material but getting back into socializing made me feel less lonely so it didn’t feel as weird waiting for the good friends to happen. It still took a few years before I really made a small group of close, best friends. But it wasn’t so depressing after I go involved outside of the house. Having a job helps. But people you work with can sometimes be tricky to hang out with outside of work. I would suggest getting involved in other things. You have kids right? Have you thought about volunteering for the school or joining the PTA? Whatever you decide to do, I think you’ll find it less gruesome and trying if you focus on activities and interests before people. The people will come and in the meantime, you’ll feel a lot less isolated. Don’t give up. And just be yourself. It worked before and it’ll work again. Amy Dear Amy,
I have feelings for a guy. And I'm not sure if I should have feelings for him because I have one friend who wants to get back together with him. What should I do? Dear Feelings, You can’t help who you have feelings for but you can choose whether to act on those feelings or not. Dating a friend’s ex is a tricky situation and if that friend still has feelings for him, you’re heading for trouble with your friend. So deciding whether or not to act on your feelings really has a lot to do with considering the consequences. Is it a close friend? Would you be willing to give up the friendship for the relationship? Chances are, whatever you decide you will have to make a hard decision. Putting aside your feelings for the guy won’t be comfortable for a while but it will be ok eventually. Revealing your feelings for the guy could lead to a wonderful relationship but it will likely take a toll on your friendship. Life presents us with all kinds of messy situations and navigating them is part of how we grow. Whatever you decide, make sure you’ve considered all the possible outcomes and then embrace your decision and have faith that things will work out the way they were meant to. Amy Amy...help! I have recently re-connected with an ex. He has recently split from a relationship (4 months ago). How can I jump start this "friendship"...how can I get him to email or telephone more? When he emails it will be a single sentence...we have had one really long phone call but nothing since (over a week ago).....don't know what to do. Should I give up?
Dear Relighting, I keep hearing that song “You Can’t Hurry Love” going through my head as I think about how to answer you. So, I think that’s the case. You’re going to have to be patient and see what happens. You can always ask him to hang out, have dinner, see a movie. Or you can call and email him more. But you need to pay close attention to his reactions and try to give him space as you move forward. His delays in response may be a hesitation to get involved again after his last breakup or it could simply be that he’s looking for friendship rather than romantic involvement. Only time will tell. Now, that said, I wonder a few things. Why did you break up in the first place? Is this someone you really want to reconnect with? Since I don’t really know how your relationship was before, I hate to make any assumptions, but I am curious why you would want to reconnect romantically with your ex. Are you interested in being friends? Or are you mostly looking to get back together? These are some things to consider as you move forward. Bottom line, give it time. Amy Dear Amy,
I need to know how to handle a friend (living with me and having casual sex and tells me he loves me) that likes to text other girls he claims are his friends constantly? And when I question him about it he gets mad? How do i handle this? Dear Friend, I think perhaps you and your friend have different expectations in your relationship. Your question calls him a “friend” and mentions “casual sex.” Given these definitions, I’d say that it probably baffles your friend that you even ask him about the girls he texts. For him, there may be nothing inconsistent about his behavior. You are friends. Check. You have sex. Check, check. And he loves you. Check. I can imagine him thinking “What’s the problem here?’’ My guess is that the problem lies in your expectations. It sounds to me like you want to be more than friends. Is that true? If not, than why would it matter that he’s texting other girls? And it’s a tricky situation you’re in. If you have been friends for a long time and now you want more, your relationship is going to change one way or another. If he wants more too, maybe you’ll end up in an exclusive, intimate relationship. However, if he doesn’t want that….say, that’s not what he signed up for and he’s not interested…you run the risk of losing the friendship. So, how to handle things is really up to you. If you want to keep things the way they are, you’re going to have to work on your own expectations. You can’t have a drama-free, casual-sex having friendship if you’re not both on the same page. If you’re not “together” than you really don’t have much ground to stand on in expecting him not to text other girls. Know what I mean? Life is full of these messy, awkward, hard truths. The fact that you’re already living together and having sex is going to make it complicated if you’re at cross-purposes for where the relationship is headed. So I would suggest taking a moment to think about what you want. Whatever direction you head, you will have to deal with the consequences so make sure you’ve taken time to consider the options and what you stand to gain or lose by making the decisions you make. Relationships are ridiculously convoluted no matter what it looks like so be confident in your choices and know that life goes on. Amy Dear Amy,
How can I overcome jealousy? Whenever I make a friend and they mention being with their other friends I always feel like I'm a substitute for when their other friends aren't around. Dear Jealousy, Here’s the thing. The jealousy is a symptom of something else. The reason you’re feeling jealous has more to do with your own feelings of self-worth than it does about your friends. Jealousy springs from insecurity. We worry that we somehow won’t measure up; we can’t compete. The problem lies in feeling like you have to compete at all. If you’re not feeling worthy of friendship than you will suspect your friends motives. And unfortunately, overcoming jealousy in this case means taking some time to work on you. The truth is that when we make new friends, sometimes they are a substitute for our other friends. When I have a new friend that I am not familiar with and I’m building a relationship with them, it takes work and so my other friends are sort of the safety net. Does that mean that I don’t enjoy spending time with new friends? Of course not. It simply means that the friendships are different. The relationships are at different stages. And as a result, it’s going to BE different; to FEEL different. What you need to do is accept that the person who is with you wants to be with you and that’s hard to do if you’re not feeling worthy. So here’s my advice. When you’re with your friends, old or new, be in the moment. Try not to worry about how it all fits in the cosmic world of friendship. Just enjoy being there. Be present. The rest of the time, work on yourself. We all can benefit from some time for introspection and for work on strengthening our self-esteem. Consider finding a counselor or someone that you can talk to openly about how you’re feeling. Think about the things that make you a unique and special person and realize that you are worthy of friendship and love. And most of all, understand that your feelings are just that, feelings. They are not fact. Relegate them to their proper place. Give yourself permission to feel, but also remind yourself that feelings are not fact and try to take each situation, each interaction with your friends, as it comes. Amy |
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