Dear Amy,
My wife has gone to house sit for an old friend of hers and visit her friends’ elderly mom each day. Now my wife informs me today that her friends’ husband has invited a guy to come and stay at their house while my wife is there. I don't know this guy and my wife does not know him either. I am not happy about it and told my wife to tell the guy to go get a hotel. She won’t do it. Dear Not Happy, I don’t blame you. If your wife’s friend was going to have someone else staying at the house at the same house, she should have cleared it with your wife first. I’m going to assume the best here and chalk this up to a miscommunication, but I think your advice about asking him to stay at a hotel is good. Or have your wife stay at one. Given that neither of you know this guy, it’s not unreasonable to feel uncomfortable with the situation. Most likely he’s a good guy and there’s nothing to worry about, but why take chances? Has your wife talked with her friend about it? I can understand that your wife may be worried about putting the guy out or being rude, but this situation is complicated and its reasonable to ask him to stay somewhere else until things get straightened out. Amy Dear Amy,
My boyfriend and I have been dating almost 8 months. He moved in with me in September. Everything has been wonderful until Friday night. I went to get on his phone because mine was dead and there was a message from some girl. All the messages had been erased except one saying that it doesn't make any sense you saying your happy with her but you wished you would have waited so when I asked about it he told me it was nothing but I feel like it is. Should I feel like I'm breaking on the inside or did my insecurities outweigh my rational side. I love him and don't want to lose him so how would I go about letting this go without causing distance and a potential break up. Dear Stumbled, Oh, the trouble cell phones cause. I really don’t think this is as bad as it seems. Nothing you saw seems to indicate anything other than a conversation that was going on. You have no context, but you also have no reason to suspect anything. Right? Texts are the most useful and yet destructive invention of the modern world (my opinion). When we text, we assume privacy where it doesn’t exist. Unlike a conversation in person, texts stick around. Had your boyfriend had this conversation, whatever it was, in person with this girl, you’d never have known about it and it never would have caused you a problem. So, here’s the bottom line. You love your boyfriend. Everything is going great. There it is. Let’s re-envision this text conversation as follows: BF: I’m loving living here with her, but it’s hard getting used to living with someone. Maybe I should have waited. Concerned Girl: It doesn’t make any sense, you saying you’re happy with her but you wished you would have waited. BF: You’re right. I’m just being silly. Thank you concerned friend for setting my mind at ease. Could it have gone that way? Imagine if the conversation were like that, your boyfriend just talking to one of his friends about his concerns (after all, moving in together is a big step). That happens all the time actually. We all do that, right? And when we talk to our friends, we don’t always say things the way we’d say them to our partner. I know I wouldn’t want my boyfriend reading my texts without context. When I talk to my friends, I feel free to say what’s on my mind. And I let my friends give me perspective…just like I’m doing for you now. If your boyfriend tells you its nothing and he’s never given you a reason to doubt him, don’t start now. We spend way too much time making something out of nothing and technology really makes it so much more complicated. Focus on your great relationship with your loving boyfriend and let this one go. Amy Dear Amy,
I'm 42, and was born with a disability, which makes it difficult for me to use the bathroom on my own. I have been with my boyfriend for 11 years now, and we have a child together. My problem is, whenever I ask my boyfriend for help with anything he complains. Tells me how much he hates helping me, making me feel like a burden. I could leave, but who's going to want to be with someone they have to help with simple things like getting on the toilet? He also has an elderly aunt (that he thinks of as a mother) She calls him constantly to run errands for her, and he never complains about it to me or anyone. I'm really tired of feeling so shitty about myself, but I'm not sure what to do. Dear Deserving Ok, let’s start with the basic and simple truth: you are not a burden. Period. I can relate. I know how it feels to be treated like a burden over something you can’t control. I think it’s difficult for people who’ve never had to deal with a disability to understand and to empathize, but that’s no excuse for treating you badly. I also understand that, being the partner and/or caregiver of a person with a disability isn’t easy. That’s why there are support groups for caregivers. And it’s also why we have to be very careful to watch for abuse of those who cannot take care of themselves (elderly, disabled, children, etc.). So, back to your boyfriend…his behavior is unacceptable and it needs to stop. This disability isn’t new and he was aware of it when he starting dating you, right? I understand that it may feel overwhelming for him and maybe he needs to seek some support or counseling to work on how he’s feeling. But he needs to treat you with respect and compassion. And if he can’t do that, then you are better off without him. The bottom line: there are lots of people who will love you and see beyond your disability. You are not your disability. You are a human being deserving of love and respect in all things and if your boyfriend can’t see that, then he doesn’t deserve you. Amy Dear Amy,
My boyfriend has not been with his wife for 19 years. I found out he wired her 100 dollars in November. Should I say anything to him about this? I also found two pictures of her on his phone. We both had seen a picture of her at a friends home. Her hair was cut very short so the conversation was about her. He said she texted him the photos so he could tell her it was not to short. They do not live in the same state. Should I care? Dear Dreading (at least a little bit), It sounds like you already do care a little. The real question is whether you should do anything about it and my general feeling is no. Do you and your boyfriend have a good relationship? If so, I’d say to be aware of your feelings, acknowledge them and then let it go. Do you share finances? (shared bank account for instance). If you do, then it would be ok to ask him about the wired money simply because then it also effects you. If not, then forget about it. Here’s the thing…people carry around a lot of baggage and it’s not unusual for ex’s to pop up here and there. It’s not a problem until it’s a problem. So unless there’s some bigger issue here, I’d just focus on your relationship with your boyfriend. From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like the ex poses much of a threat and unless there’s more to the story, I would just brush it off and move forward. Amy Dear Amy,
I have fallen in love with a man that can't or won't ever love me because of a soul crushing past marriage. I just figured this out and I am heart broken. I need help getting past this. I don't want to give up our friendship as we have known each other all our lives. This is painful in so many ways. Help me. Dear Heartbroken, I’m so sorry. Sometimes past relationships haunt us and I really hope for his sake that he finds a way to move forward. Love can be scary and painful, but a life without it sounds desolate. In the meantime, if you want to stay friends with him, you’re going to have to let yourself grieve. It’s ok to feel heartbroken. But try to keep in mind that your life is still full of possibilities. Maybe you friend just needs time and friendship and he’ll eventually heal. But the path he’s chosen, the one where he’s closed himself off to the possibility of love, is certainly one that you shouldn’t follow him down. Just be there for him. Be aware of your own feelings and treat yourself with compassion. Wishing you serenity and love. Amy Dear Amy,
There's this girl I like and I'm not sure if she's bi/lesbian too. We only have one class together and it's every other day. I don't want to ask her if she's because I don't want her to say no and not talk to me again how do I deal with this? Dear Unsure, The best relationships are based on friendship and if you become friends with this girl, you’ll get to know her well enough to know the answer to your question. Maybe you’ll end up dating or maybe you’ll just gain a new friend, but either way, you win. Amy Dear Amy,
I've been with my boyfriend 12 yrs and have 3 kids. He s cheated sooo many times in 12 yrs but last one I found out hurt worst they were 20 mins from me and my kids. He drove and drives her van and in October I found they had been living together for last two years while I begged every night and day for him to stay with us. He wants to be together with me and for me to forget the past but we don't live together nor does he want me to know where he lives. I have the kids but living with family so he isn't allowed there due to their anger for my hurt from him. Other then a little bit of support, I’ve had to provide for me and the kids with very little help. He gave me his phone code to unlock it but gets mad if I look every once in awhile. Gave me his email passwords not Facebook password. He has female friends I don't know he's known and last 1 year or so. I tried to be friends with them but she ran and tell him everything we talked about. He talks to her everyday call or text but she has a boyfriend and her and my boyfriend work out once a week or so. Hard because I've wanted so long for us to bond and workout together but after 3 years of being a personal trainer he got me 7 day pass after 3rd day he never took me back using excuses. He takes me to school and brings me home spending more time with us. Says wants to take care of us but won't get a job that pays enough to do that. Nor wants to watch kids so I can get a job to help. Pays cheaper stuff but refuses to help with car payment and insurance. Talks about loves me and wants us together. I get jealous because he can do what he wants go where he wants hang out with whoever and I have kids every night and day. I’m not free. Love my kids and he argues he's not free he's home yet I do see his text talking about going here and there he doesn't tell me. Is this worth trying or just walk away even with kids? Please help so tired. Dear Tired, I’m going to lay down some hard truth here. Your boyfriend doesn’t understand what being in a relationship with you and what being a father to his kids really means. And I’m afraid you’re letting him get away with some pretty bad behavior. I can understand that you love him and want him to be a part of your lives, but you have three children who need more from him (and from you). They need a father who takes responsibility for them. That means paying child support and helping with the kids. These are really not options. The minute he fathered those children he became obligated to care for them. If he can’t understand that on his own, you may need to make things more formal through the courts or through counseling at the least. But they need more from you too. They need you to advocate for them, to make sure that they are being taken care of because as they grow up, they’re going to feel the emotional effects of having a father who isn’t there for them. When you say that you’re stuck at home but he’s free, that’s partly because you’re letting him be free by not holding his accountable. I promise you no Judge is going to accept the “when its convenient” form of fathering going on here. But it’s going to continue until you put a stop to it. This isn’t really just a matter of walking away. Whether the two of you are romantically involved or not is really just a secondary concern. First, get the situation with the kids worked out and that’ll give you a better idea of where you and he stand. Write down your expectations. Be reasonable and do what is in the best interest of your children. Create ways to hold their father accountable for taking care of them too. You’re going to have a relationship with this man forever, regardless of what it looks like so now’s a good time to start making it more functional and healthy for everyone. And on a personal note, there’s never a good reason to have access to your partner’s email or Facebook account. If you feel you need access, then something is very wrong. And from what you’ve described here, I’d say he’s given you more than enough reasons not to trust him so whatever you’re looking for you’re likely to find. Don’t put yourself through it. I know this is hard and I can really understand how exhausting this must be but the truth is that you’re going to have to be strong and insist that he respect you, if not as his girlfriend, at least as the mother of his children. What he’s showing you now is not respect and it is not love. You deserve better and only you can make sure that you get better. Amy Dear Amy,
I’m having some middle school trouble. So I like four guys but I'm dating one of them and they all like me back. Please help with this problem. Thank you. Dear Troubled, This is a problem people face throughout their lives and what it comes down to is making choices that are respectful and compassionate. What does that mean? It means being fair to the people involved. If you like one boy but decide you want to date another one, the respectful thing to do is to stop dating the first one before starting to see the second one. And so on and so forth. This isn’t always the easy choice, but I promise it will lead to less hurt feelings in the long run. So, here’s the bottom line. Be respectful of the boyfriend you already have. Any boy worth your time will be respectful of that relationship too. Amy Dear Amy,
If a guy cheats on you and doesn’t try to fix it or call you ever, does he care about you? Dear Cheated, He may very well care about you. But his behavior suggests that he’s more with his own comfort/feelings than with yours. And while I’m all for making sure one’s own needs are met (a little selfishness is actually a good thing), being careless with other people’s feelings is a big NO in my book. I hope you’ll take this opportunity to look out for yourself and put this guy behind you. Amy Dear Amy,
Just last week my wife told me she wanted a separation. We've been together for 11 years and married for 6. We have 2 little girls. She say's she is no longer happy with who she is in our marriage, she knows she's being selfish, she doesn't love me that way anymore, and she needs her space and this is what she has to do for her. I offered to do whatever to work on our marriage she says I'm too late, that she is done. Neither one of us has the finances to move out and I don't want that anyway. She said she's willing to coexist under the same roof until she can acquire the finances to leave. I'm questioning her fidelity and am wondering if I there is a chance to save this marriage while we both coexist. Dear Blindsided, Nothing is impossible, but the path you are headed down is a difficult one. Co-existing would be hard work if you were both on the same page, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. If you’re working to save the marriage and she’s simply trying to move out, there’s going to be a lot of conflict. But you have two little girls that need to be in a stable environment so this is what I would suggest. Instead of focusing on your marriage, focus on being the best parents you can to those girls. Seek family counseling to work on coexisting peacefully. If there’s anything to salvage of your marriage, it may come out in counseling. But even if the marriage is over, you’ll be co-parenting for the rest of your lives and doing that well takes a lot of hard work. I know that’s probably not what you want to hear but I’m worried that the two of you being at cross-purposes is going to make the situation even harder than it already is, both for you and for your girls. And sometimes, stepping back and refocusing on something else that is important can take the pressure off, and maybe you’ll find you and your wife getting along better because you’ll share a common goal. Amy |
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