Deserving Love and Respect

Dear Amy,
I'm 42, and was born with a disability, which makes it difficult for me to use the bathroom on my own. I have been with my boyfriend for 11 years now, and we have a child together. My problem is, whenever I ask my boyfriend for help with anything he complains. Tells me how much he hates helping me, making me feel like a burden. I could leave, but who's going to want to be with someone they have to help with simple things like getting on the toilet? He also has an elderly aunt (that he thinks of as a mother) She calls him constantly to run errands for her, and he never complains about it to me or anyone. I'm really tired of feeling so shitty about myself, but I'm not sure what to do.

Dear Deserving 

     Ok, let’s start with the basic and simple truth: you are not a burden. Period. 

     I can relate. I know how it feels to be treated like a burden over something you can’t control. I think it’s difficult for people who’ve never had to deal with a disability to understand and to empathize, but that’s no excuse for treating you badly. I also understand that, being the partner and/or caregiver of a person with a disability isn’t easy. That’s why there are support groups for caregivers. And it’s also why we have to be very careful to watch for abuse of those who cannot take care of themselves (elderly, disabled, children, etc.).
     So, back to your boyfriend…his behavior is unacceptable and it needs to stop. This disability isn’t new and he was aware of it when he starting dating you, right? I understand that it may feel overwhelming for him and maybe he needs to seek some support or counseling to work on how he’s feeling. But he needs to treat you with respect and compassion. And if he can’t do that, then you are better off without him.
     The bottom line: there are lots of people who will love you and see beyond your disability. You are not your disability. You are a human being deserving of love and respect in all things and if your boyfriend can’t see that, then he doesn’t deserve you.

Amy