Dear Amy,
I have been with my husband for 26 years. I have never had a worry in the world of him cheating in all these years. This past year I had a neighbor and found out she gave him oral sex only once. They claim I really don't know. I forgave him. Then here we are 8 months later and I found an SD card by my couch. When I look at it I'm shocked to see that it's my friend and her husband. I confronted him, he lied and said he knew nothing but a picture of his mothers house is on the SD card as well. No one knows these people but me and him. I don't know what to do. I feel he's just going to keep doing this to me and doesn't want to talk about anything. Dear Disappointed, Here’s the thing. You’re probably not ever going to know for sure what’s been going on. I understand your frustration, though, and I think what you have to consider is what you need in order to live a happy healthy life. Obviously you want a husband who is faithful, but also one who communicates, right? And the truth is that you’re the only one who’s going to make sure you get those things. You need to set boundaries and then be willing to change your life in order to make sure those boundaries are being respected. Talk to your husband about how his behavior is affecting you, including his unwillingness to talk about it. And then decide what you’re willing to live with. It’s really unfair and unfortunate that you’re in this situation, but you can start working on fixing it by focusing on what you need from your relationship. Amy Dear Amy,
I married a man 11 years younger than myself. We were friends since he was 18. I went to his wedding to his 1st wife and through his divorce 4 years/ 2 kids after. We became friends with perks after that but nothing serious. He went on to have a 3rd child with a different woman with no intention of having a life with but ended up in a battle for the baby girl. During that time the lawyer told us we needed to get married if he wanted a sure win in the custody. So not even thinking we did. Now married 6 years. Myself never been married nor could have children myself thought this at the time was a great arrangement. I figure I loved him as a friend how hard would it be to move to the next level. We did for a while too but his started his old habits and started to be unfaithful and not even lying about it rather saying well you know how I am. I have grown very attached to the 3 kids. I'm not sure to either just accept this and be happy with how things are or to cut my ties. This would be easy if my love for the kids wasn't as they were my own. We look like we're the picture perfect family to everyone and everyone is happy but I feel at a loss. With my parent passed on these last couple of years I think too much on that til death do us part. I fear once the kids are out of the house so will my husband. Dear Torn, I’m not entirely sure where to start. Getting married for the sake of winning a custody battle is a rocky foundation for a loving marriage. Not that you didn’t have history and a relationship, but it sounds like you weren’t in total agreement about how this marriage would work. You assumed that if he married you, that he’d be a good husband…that he’d actually try. And that’s a fair assumption. But he’s clearly not on the same page. And that’s really unfair and unfortunate, both for you and for the family you share. Let me say, quite plainly, that no, you should not accept being treated badly. I know you love those kids, but consider what they’ll be learning over the years about relationships by seeing the way he treats you. Kids are not oblivious. They’re little sponges and they know far more about what’s going on the lives of their parents that we’d like them to. And the fact that your husband is younger is no excuse for his disrespectful behavior. He’s lucky to have you in his life and he’s repaying your kindness to him and his children with a lack of respect and compassion. Maybe he really doesn’t know how to be faithful, but writing off your concerns because “it’s the way he is” is a weak and cowardly way of shirking his responsibilities, some of which include you. You don’t have to accept it and quite frankly, given that you’ve been a parent to his children, you might just have rights to visitation even if you leave. I know this sounds pretty harsh, and I’m sorry for that. I really do wish you well and I hope you’ll believe me when I say that you deserve a marriage where your husband shows up and gives you 100% (just like you give him). I know that the kids make this really complicated, so you might think about consulting a lawyer to see what your options are, just in case. It’s okay for you to expect that your husband be faithful. You don’t have to let him get away with the “way that I am” excuse. And if that means having to break up, know that his behavior is really unhealthy for your whole family and there may just be more good in being apart than in being together. Amy Dear Amy,
I met this guy about 10 months ago. He happened to stop into the store I was working in. Well we talked on the phone a few times and he kept telling me he wanted to take me out for dinner, well that never happened, I finally told him it wouldn't work out because I couldn't deal with the wait I will call you back etc. Well 10 months later he texted me because he is in town for his son's graduation, he wanted to see me. He called me that night and told me he would like to see me the next day, so we go out for dinner and had a nice conversation. We talked a few more times, several times and within two weeks he told me he loved me.....fast forward a month, he has been on the road and I told him the one thing I want is for him to communicate with me since we couldn't see each other much. He told me all these things he wanted from me, he wants me to be his girl, he wants to get married, he has a goal to buy a couple of houses so he can retire and live happily, but what is bugging me is that in the beginning he would call, text and say he will try to make it my way. Day before valentines day he tells me he will try to make It here, he has a plan but he would have to fix numbers on his work sheet. I told him not to do that, I don't want him to get in trouble. The entire weekend I heard nothing from him. His calls would go to voice mail. And his mailbox was full. Well after worrying and contacting his company he told me he was having phone issues, there was no way to call me, he claims. He said his phone went black and could not use it and the Verizon store was closed on Sundays so he spent the entire weekend at a motel waiting for Monday to go to Verizon. Just me typing this is sounding ridiculous. My thing is if he really wanted to contact me, he would have, if he really said he loved me he would not be ignoring my calls and text messages as he has done so today. I texted him this morning and have yet to hear from him. What are you thoughts? Dear Waiting, I think his intentions may be good but his actions show a lack of ability to follow-through, for whatever reason. He may truly just have a complicated life and schedule that makes him unreliable at best. Or, he may be leading you on. Either way, his words and his actions are telling two completely different stories and it’s the actions that count. If we were chatting over coffee, I’d tell you to just let him go. Or, call him on it. Tell him that you expect more out of a relationship and since he can’t seem to pull it together, you’re done. You shouldn’t have to wait around for this guy to get on board. You deserve better. Amy Dear Amy,
I've been with wife for 12 years 3 of which we have been married, I feel like our marriage is in jeopardy because I have lost total trust in my wife, we've separated many times throughout the years and she's slept with other men, and when things got hard for her she come crying back to me, and I would fall right back not really giving myself a chance to move on because of how easy it was not going through all the trouble meeting someone else, our children being so young and we have history together. I said to myself that I would let it go, that I wouldn't let it bother me, but as of late its haunting me, I don't want to feel like this anymore it's tormenting, I want to trust her and give our marriage the chance it deserves but that little voice in my head tells me different, the thought of her being with another man kills me inside and messes things up in bed for me. What’s wrong with me? Dear Haunted, What you’re feeling seems pretty reasonable to me. It sounds like your wife has taken for granted that you will always be there and has treated you pretty badly. You’ve let her come back so you’re angry at her, and probably at yourself, right? But wanting to make the marriage work puts you in a tricky position. You’re trying to just push those feelings away instead of dealing with them and as a result, you’re having trouble in bed. There’s nothing “wrong” with you. Your reactions, both emotional and physical, are pretty normal for your situation. Given your history with your wife, I would suggest finding a marriage counselor. You can’t just ignore those feelings of betrayal. As you see, they tend to take on a life of their own. Marriage counseling can be really helpful if both people are fully onboard with the process. If you find that your wife is not, I’d still look into some individual counseling so you can work on how you’re feeling. If you want your marriage to last, you’re going to have to do the work so that you can really move forward without resentment. The bottom line though is that you deserve to be in a relationship where you are treated with love and respect, so make sure that, at the end of all your work, that’s what you end up with. Amy Dear Amy,
I've been having an online affair with a younger married man from another state. I cannot sleep because of the guilt. I'm feeling so badly about myself. I know I must end it, but I can't seem to find the courage to do the right thing. I am also in a long-term relationship. He is very sweet & loving. It started as friendship but we had fun chats & it got hot from there. I need advice on how to do it, gently. Dear Ending It, The best thing I can do, I think, is to offer you some truth with a dose of perspective. The truth is that the path you’re headed down is one filled with heartache for a lot of people. You’re having an affair with a married man so both he and his family will be affected by it. You are in a long-term relationship so both you and your partner will be affected by it. That’s a lot of collateral damage. And the fact that you’re physically feeling the effects of the guilt means it’s not only emotionally unhealthy but also physically unhealthy for you to continue. So, what is keeping you from ending it? Is it that you don’t want to hurt him? Because, in all reality he’s going to get hurt one way or another. Is it that you’re not happy with the relationship you’re in? Adding another person to the mix only makes it more complicated. I would suggest thinking carefully about the things that might have motivated you to get into this affair in the first place and address those issues. If you’re lonely or your needs aren’t being met in some way, there’s probably a more healthy way to get what you need. I’m not sure ending it gently is possible. You might have to go cold turkey on this one. You don’t have to be cruel, but affairs have a way of dragging on and on until the world implodes for one or both people. Be brave. It will hurt but dealing with it now will be a lot less painful than the fallout that will come later. Amy Dear Amy,
A couple of weeks ago I reunited with a man I dated 34 years ago when we were just teenagers. We live 15 minutes apart and we both work 12 hour days. I have every weekend off and he has every other weekend off. This year, his weekend off fell on Valentine's Day. That morning he texted and wished me a Happy Valentine's Day. I responded and invited him to dinner. To my surprise, he didn't respond. Later, 2 1/2 hours later after I texted him again, he still didn't seem too interested. Needless to say I was hurt by his lack of enthusiasm and didn't get to spend any time with him. He tells me he's very interested in me, but his actions on V-Day said different. I didn't need gifts or to go out, I simply wanted to spend time with him. So the following day he asked if I was still angry and I broke up with him. I didn't think I was asking too much for a little bit of his time since we only get two days out if the week to see each other. He said he just didn't have the energy. I think he should have found some...especially on this day for lovers. Do you think I acted in haste? Not sure if I should apologize for biting his head off. Please help. Dear Hasty, Well, I think you had a really strong emotional reaction based on expectations that he didn’t realize he was going to have to live up to. So, the short answer is, yes, I think you may have been a wee bit hasty in breaking up with him. If you want to date this guy, I suggest you apologize. But first I want you to consider a few things. Namely, why was your reaction so big? If this was a standing date you’d had for years, I could see being fairly upset but having only dated for a few weeks and given that you hadn’t made the plans ahead of time, your angry reaction makes me wonder about your background and experiences. I think your reaction was much bigger than the issue at hand. I can understand being frustrated, but the sudden break up makes me wonder what you’re afraid of. Are you worried about being hurt? Disappointed? Here’s the thing. He can’t possibly meet your expectations if you not only keep them from him but also punish him without giving him a chance to work things out. Maybe he’s not a spur of the moment guy. Maybe he didn’t realize Valentine’s Day was such a big deal for you. These are all issues that some communication could solve but you cant’ communicate if you break things off before you can even begin. So, I would suggest talking to him but first I’d take a pretty honest look at you and really think about what just happened here. Are you ready for a relationship? Wishing you love and serenity. Amy Dear Amy,
I drove up to the place I live with my boyfriend and he walked into his shop with one of his friends that’s a girl. I know of her but do not actually know her. He doesn’t even acknowledge that I am there. He said I should of just walked in there but I felt he should of made the effort to acknowledge me and introduced us. He said its’ my problem but since its his friend I felt he should taken the more of the effort to make me feel included. Am I wrong for feeling that way? Dear Outside, Feelings are neither right or wrong, they’re just feelings and you’re fully entitled to them. My personal opinion: he should have introduced you. But some people have a different idea about what is proper in social situations than I do and it may simply be that he figured “she lives here” so he didn’t feel like he needed to make special introductions. Was he kind of a jerk? Yes. But is it an unforgivable offense. No, not really. Here’s the thing. What’s he’s saying is sort of true. It is your problem. You felt left out (rightly so, in my opinion) but he’s not in charge of your feelings; you are. However, I believe that not being in charge of another person’s feelings doesn’t relieve you of responsibility for your actions. It was sort of rude of him to just leave you hanging there. And its perfectly okay for you to let him know how it made you feel. So here’s what I suggest. Tell him that you understand that your feelings are your own and then tell him that when he leaves you out like that, it makes you feel uncomfortable. It’s not unreasonable to ask him to introduce you to new people and if he’s not willing to consider your feelings about that then he’s really not being very kind to you. My guess is he probably just got defensive and if you talk about it with him without accusing him and if you take responsibility for your own emotional reactions, he might just come around. Work on trying to understand his point of view and maybe he’ll see yours a little more clearly. Amy Dear Amy,
I have been in a relationship for 17 months and living together 6 months. These past 6-8 weeks have been very difficult. I finally had it. I took the last blow. Intimacy has deteriorated. When it seems as if I initiate sex 2-3 times a week, he refuses or has a headache. The last 2 times he actually threw me off him and when he initiated it at 1:30 AM, I allowed him because it is what bonds us and I enjoy him. His behavior has been distant, I did not understand so I asked. He told me to respect his wishes & he'll respect mine. When I continued to let him know he hurt me he told me to shut the fuck up each time. Excuse my language, for the situation I got so furious I asked him to get out, I threw his clothes on the floor the second time it occurred. This last incident I actually asked him to go to hotel which I drove him to. I felt so rejected, hurt, numb. He pleaded not to take him he can sleep on the sofa. I thought this was best so we don't escalate. Was I in the wrong for telling him it was the last blow and ask him to leave? He came to get his things he expressed it was messed up & low. I felt disrespected in so many ways. I’ve never had a man in my life reject me while initiating sex. I guess I felt entitled for being there for him in the last year. I moved him in because he had a 2nd DUI was in jail for 3 month. Then his uncle threatened to throw him out. I felt I needed to be there for him. He has been sober 10 months and saw progress in his day to day going to work etc.. He even cooked for me. Now he said it’s my fault. I made the decision to kick him out and he will not come back. He said he has no security since if I kick him out again. I understand it is probably better he gets on his own two feet, better for me as well the verbal abuse/physical I know I deserve better. It is like death of a break up. Was I in the wrong? Dear Entitled, It sounds like your relationship was pretty unhealthy and so it’s probably a good thing to take a step back, even if it hurts. Breaking up is like a kind of death and sometimes you need to allow yourself to grieve. I want to address a few things you said, though. First, no one is ever entitled to sex. I’m taking a hard line on this one because sex should be a completely a consensual act and if one person feels they are “owed” sex, it’s likely that there’s going to be a lot of disappointment, resentment and a shift in power that takes sex to an unhealthy place. It sounds like you guys ended up in that place. You felt rejected and angry. He felt that his wishes weren’t being respected. The feelings you were both having were very real and so its not surprising that you hit a wall. And then there’s the matter of verbal and physical abuse. Respect is a two way street and from what you’ve said, neither one of you was showing much respect to the other. Verbal and physical abuse are not okay under any circumstances, so maybe this breakup is really the best thing for both of you. You DO deserve better and he needs to get his life together so that he’ll be healthy and confident in his relationships. While you may have felt like you had to take him in to support him at one point, that burden may have left you feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Maybe once he gets himself worked out, you two can try again. Or maybe it’s a good idea to find a guy who you’re on more even footing with. Wishing you luck. Amy Dear Amy,
Was wondering if you had advice on how to please a man sexually, as in getting him off. I have a hard time with oral. Dear Pleasing, There are lots of ways to please a man sexually that don’t involve oral. I’m going to suggest searching for “sex tips” on Google and experimenting. I’m not going to give specific advice because when it comes to sex, everyone is different. Talk to you partner and try things that you’re both comfortable with. Don’t get discouraged. But don’t feel like you have to do something you don’t like to do either…there are plenty of other options. Good luck! Amy Dear Amy,
I was sexually and physically abused by my stepfather starting at the age of 8. My mother was aware of most of it especially the physical abuse. I'm 47. My mother tells me to get over the past and that it has no bearing on today. Why does she not understand? Feeling small all over again. Dear Survived, I’m sorry that this happened to you and I’m even more sorry that your mother has not only been aware of it but continues to ignore the impact it’s had on your life. Sexual and physical abuse have long lasting effects on the victim including sleep disturbances and nightmares, PTSD, depression and a laundry list of other complications. It’s 100% normal for you to still be dealing with the abuse and its impact on your life so please believe me when I say that yes, it absolutely does bear on today. I can’t begin to imagine what’s going on in your mother’s life that makes her look at the abuse as irrelevant, but I’m really more concerned with you. Have you been in counseling? There are a lot of support groups for abuse survivors and there are great counselors out there who can help you work on overcoming the abuse you’ve suffered. Many states offer several free counseling sessions for sexual abuse survivors regardless of how long ago it happened or whether it was ever reported. RAINN has an excellent hotline (both phone and online) with advocates who can help you find resources in your area. Your mother is wrong. You are entitled to your feelings about the abuse. It should never have happened. It was not your fault. And you are not alone. There are a lot of people out there who want to help you and be there for you, even if your mother isn’t. Look to them for strength when you need it and give yourself credit for every step you’ve taken in your life to move forward. You are a survivor and you are amazing. Amy |
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