Dear Amy,
I became best friends with this girl my sophomore year of high school. She dated one of my best guy friends, B, and that didn't end well. He really hurt her and since she and I were together a lot I decided to stop being friends with him so that she wouldn't have to see him too much. She told me all the things that happened during the relationship and he had been a total jerk. Because of that I saw the bad in him and completely cut him off. I now know that wasn't the best choice. Now I'm in my senior year of high school and she is dating my only guy best friend. She likes to flirt a lot and she was friends with benefits with B, and my best friend, R, has a history of cheating. I know that if she breaks up with him and hurts him, I'll just lose her. But if he breaks up with her and hurts her, I'll stop being friends with him and resent her for contributing to the end of R's and my friendship. What should I do? I already told them I wasn't okay with their relationship. Dear Stuck, You’re going to have to work on being Switzerland, neutral. It’s hard when friends date because it changes the dynamics of the whole social group. But you can’t keep ditching guy friends every time your friend breaks up with one…especially since she seems bent on dating within your social circle. It’s admirable of you to want to shield your friend from discomfort, but you’re sacrificing your own friendships and it doesn’t sound like they’re doing the same. See what I mean? My suggestion is to lay it out this way…”fine, if you guys are going to date, I want you to understand that if you break up, I’m staying friends with both of you. You may not talk badly about one another to me because you need to be considerate of my feelings.” Sound reasonable? In this way, you’re standing up for your right to have friends and you’re making it clear that you have boundaries. You’re entitled to your own feelings about your friends without having those feelings influenced by their feelings about each other. You can’t control their behavior, but you can certainly control your own so I suggest taking the focus off of them and putting it on you and what you need to be happy. Amy Dear Amy,
I'm writing to you to find out how I can possibly stay sober. I didn't drink anything for three months but when my boyfriend drinks, I drink. I am an alcoholic and I come from a family of alcoholic's down to my mother, who is no longer here, my father and my brother. I'll be 42 years old and I've drank the majority of my life. I want to never drink again but still find ways to have fun. I do dumb things when I drink. I'm subject to anything. My boyfriend accuses me of cheating all the time, which I'm not, and he always says things to hurt my feelings. I then turn to drinking as well it only makes things worse with our relationship I just want to be happy I go out of my way for this man. Please give me a little advice. Thank you. Dear Want to Quit, Is your boyfriend an alcoholic? Have you been to AA? Part of staying sober is about having support. AA provides support. Or, if AA seems a little too scary at first, you might try Al-Anon instead. Coming from a long line of alcoholics definitely affects your behaviors. Having a boyfriend and friends who support your desire not to drink could be a big factor. There are TONS of ways to have fun without drinking but you have to develop new habits. Get help. Don’t be afraid to tell people that you’re trying to stop drinking and surround yourself with people who will support you. Find an AA or Al-Anon meeting (and if you aren’t comfortable in one, try another one…the Resources page has a link to both agencies so you can find a nearby meeting). That you’re reaching out for help to me is a great first step. So now, just have to courage to take the next one. Amy Dear Amy,
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, when I was 14 and he was 16. Now I am 17 and he is 19 he gets on my nerves, but I love him very deeply. I find myself having a very flirty relationship with a 16 year old boy at my work who I fantasize about now and then. I decided to search this because it's becoming that bad. I would never cheat or leave my boyfriend, although I can't stop thinking about this boy from work. We have such a fun and playful friendship but he also has a girlfriend. I told him once I had a little girl crush on him and he said well you have a boyfriend which makes me wonder if I didn't things would be different between me and the co worker. It's very confusing for me. I think I love them both and I don't want to do anything to ruin my relationship or the friendship I have with this boy. Dear Choices, Life is full of choices and I think you’re going to have to make one soon. Unlike the movies, things don’t generally work themselves out into neat little piles. You’re very young and you’ve been with your boyfriend for a very long time. You have a whole life ahead of you and I think that what you’re experiencing now has to do with your own personal growth. As a girl who married her high school sweetheart (yep, that’s me), I want to suggest that you take a step back and give yourself room to have a life of your own. I’m trying really hard here not to sound like a stuffy adult saying things like “you’re too young” but having been in the exact spot you’re in now, I can tell you that your life is going to take a lot of twists and turns and that the things you think are important now may seem different later. The best you can do is to be honest, especially with yourself. Maybe the truth right now is that you’re not sure you still want to be with your boyfriend but you also love him and don’t want to hurt him. Maybe the truth is that your crush on the co-worker is a fleeting thing and it won’t amount to much. Choosing what to do next is really up to you because you’re going to have to live with the consequences of your decisions. But that’ll be true throughout your life. So what I would suggest now is to take a long hard look at yourself and what you want out of life. Will you be heading off to college soon? What will your life look like next year? Or in five years? Sometimes the decisions you make, hurt. The best thing you can do is to try to be compassionate and to be honest with those you love. There you have it. Wishing you luck and courage as you move forward in life. Amy Dear Amy,
I broke up with my boyfriend. I realized I want him back and I found out that he still wants to be with me. He doesn’t wanna be with anyone else and we both feel the same about each other. The only problem is...since I was the dumper He feels that I should talk to him first because if he does, he'll look desperate. I don’t know why but I'm so nervous to say hi and to talk to him. I feel like I'm scared that we'll break up again if we do but I don’t know why I'm so nervous around him. Dear Nervous, If you take a risk, sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen. But if you don’t take a risk, nothing happens. (Wisdom from the Golden Girls). If you want to get back together with this guy, then go ahead and just start talking. It sounds like you’re both worrying a lot about what might happen, and maybe a lot about what other people will think. But the bottom line is that getting back together is going to require someone to make the first move. Go for it. Amy |
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