In Love and Confused
I met this woman back in the mid 90's, I was teaching country dance classes. I had two different dance classes in two different places and she would come to both. We started talking after class a few times and then started going back to my place. After a few times of coming to my home, we started having sex. At the time she was married and we were caught by her husband. He had her followed.
A few days after we were caught she called and said she wanted to work things out with her husband. Don't know how long time went on but I ended up meeting someone else and started dating this person. A few months in this relationship the married one showed up at my house saying she getting a divorce and she wanted to start back where we left off. I told her that I was dating someone else. About six months after that I was seeing her on the side for about a year. Broke up with the girlfriend not cause of her but other reason. For about 2 or three years we kept hooking up every once in a while. I did care for this her though the whole time. She ended up sleeping with one of my friends and it became an issue to me.
In 98 I met someone else. We fell in love with each other or so I thought, but she was only using me for about 2 years. She ended up cheating on me. It did something to me from 2002 to 2009 I didn't date or have anything to do with women. I just wanted to be alone so I couldn't get hurt anymore. After 2009 I dated a couple of women but nothing serous.
A year ago I saw the person that was in my dancing class. I knew right there and then I still had very strong feelings for her. She was always on my mind. So one night I was out to a bar and she was there. We started talking, a few weeks later we started dating. So we’ve been seeing each other for about 2 1/2 months. I told her a month ago that I was in love with her and she said she was in love with me too. We’ve only spent a few nights apart since then.
She goes to her house when she gets off work every day. She will text and say she’s home and she be here in a few, sometimes her few is three and four hours. She shows up at my house sometimes a little buzzed and sometimes she is drunk. She’s always wanting to bring up the past that she loved me and that I chased other women when I could have had her. She will even bring her bottle with her and a few drinks here also. I’ve been noticing something isn't right on some things. Like she will go to the bathroom several time before we go to bed and she in there for along time.
I know she is going through some hard times her daughter had her kids taken away from her last month, so she doesn’t get to see her grandkids. But this is what been going on here lately. Her ex will text her and she wont answer him until she goes home the next day. I understand that they need to talk about the grandkids and their daughter. But she is keeping it from me when he texts and I caught her lying about it.
On Valentine's Day I planned a very special evening and she knew it. She worked that day so I told her when she got off work to come here. She texted me and said she’d be here in a few. That was at 3:30, and at seven she showed up drunk. I was upset and after we ate and I gave her Valentine's gift to her we kinda got in an argument about her being drunk. She said she wasn't drinking she was just tired, so the next day I let her know that I knew she was drunk.
I am trying to hit on everything so maybe you can help me understand. So last night was the end of the straw, she text me after work and said she’d be here in a few. Three hours later she shows up. She said she had a load of clothes to do and laid down and fell asleep. But brought them here to put in my dryer. We had dinner and she said she was gong to go to church with her daughter. She had on a sweater and blue jeans, I ask her was she going to church like that she said yes. So at 6:30 she leaves and didn't come back until 10. She was acting funny. She didn't text or call and when she got here didn't even say what she was doing. I didn't ask cause I didn't want start an argument or let her know it bother me. I have talked before all this has been going on that I wont put up with cheating or lying, I told her it’s time for me to settle down and be happy. Am I making a bigger deal over this then I should?
In reading your question, there were a lot of red flags for me. Has your girlfriend had problems with alcohol in the past? Her secretive behavior and showing up visibly drunk but denying it makes me worry about her well-being. She may not be aware that she has a problem, but from what you’ve said, I suspect she does.
You have a long history with your girlfriend and you love her, so its not surprising that you’re feeling conflicted. I don’t think you’re making a bigger deal over this than you should. You should be able to rely on your girlfriend to keep her word and to tell you the truth. My concern is that her problems are more complicated than we know and I really think she’s going to need more help than you can give her.
Have you talked to her about the possibility of counseling? If not, I would suggest thinking about family counseling. Bringing someone into the equation who can stay impartial and can help identify problems may be a good idea at this point. It’ll help you understand how you can both work to make the relationship better and a counselor would be able to make specific recommendations about other local resources, as needed.
Wishing you luck and happiness.
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