Changing Direction

Dear Amy,
I am a 27 year old male that married a woman 10 years older than me. She is a good woman that has had a hard life. She was abused by her step dad when little and by several of her ex boyfriends. I love her so much and can't think about my life with out her. She has three kids 1 girl 2 boys. The oldest two are close to my age 22 and 20. We have been together since I was 21. I love her kids as my own and would do anything for them. I want kids of my own and she said OK but she has to have her tubes untied to have my kid. As the years passed I couldn't save enough money to have the operation done. I still want kids and she said that she wouldn't have any if she was 38. She’s 38 now and now she has a grandson and has told me if I wanted kids still I need to leave her and find someone else. I love this woman with all my heart and can't imagine life without her but I still want kids of my own. What can I do or what should I do?

Dear Changing,

      I think you’re going to have to do some serious soul searching. The bottom line is that you can’t have a child with this woman if she’s not willing and it sounds like she’s not. Whether it’s her age or simply that she’s at a very different stage in her life, she has to be onboard. So you’re going to have to make a tough decision. If you love her and want to be with her, you’re going to have to accept that having your own biological children isn’t in the cards (at least with your current wife). Luckily, she has three kids and a grandchild so your desire to be a parent (and being a grandparent can be even better) is still a go. Being there for her kids is definitely an important thing.
     It sounds like you’ve known for some time that having kids was contingent on her age, on having an operation, etc. So maybe the opportunity has passed. And now you’ve got to come to terms with what that means for your life. It’s unfortunate because it’s a big life decision and it probably feels like its been taken out of your hands. So what I’d like to offer is some perspective. What if she’d never been able to have your child? What if she’d had the operation and then hadn’t been able to get pregnant? (these things do happen). Would you still want to be with her?
     If the answer is yes, than I would suggest talking with her openly about how you feel and then trying to accept the new direction of your life. It’s important to be honest about how you’re feeling, but if you find that you’re having a hard time dealing with your feelings, find a counselor to talk to.
     If having a child of your own is the most important thing, then you know what your decision has to be.

Amy