Worried About Infrequent Sex

Dear Amy,
I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 3 and a half years now. For about a year now, we’ll only have sex maybe once a month. What am I doing wrong? Do I need to spice things up somehow? Is she not attracted to me anymore? Does she still even love me? How can I tell and how can I bring passion back into our relationship?

Dear Worried, 

     The fizzle of your sex life could be related to any number of factors. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong and it doesn’t mean she’s not attracted to you anymore. But what it does mean is that you guys should talk about it. If you’re wanting more sex, talk to her. Ask her how’s she’s feeling about your sex life. Be honest. Tell her you’re worried about it and that you want to find ways to be more intimate. This is about the two of you together, so let her know how you’re feeling and ask her for her help in sorting it out.
     And here’s a tip. Sometimes reigniting the passion in your life might have to do with the least likely things so be open to what she has to say. Sometimes we get into ruts. We feel unappreciated in our relationships or in our homes. Sometimes just offering to cook dinner or do the dishes is an awfully romantic gesture. This is why talking is so important. Don’t just talk about sex, talk about life. Find out how she’s feeling about home life and work. Find out what stresses her out, what she’s worried about. And tell her about you too. Reconnecting outside the bedroom is sometimes very helpful is sparking things up under the covers.
     Instead of worrying that she might not love you, take this opportunity to reach out to her. In long-term relationships, passion often comes and goes in waves, partly because we get comfortable and settle into a routine. When we start losing intimacy, sometimes we get really focused on sex. But I would encourage you to focus on intimacy, even when it doesn’t involve sex.

Good luck!

Amy