Angry

Dear Amy,
I am looking for impartial advice. I have been with the same woman for 17 years and love her deeply but find myself no longer trusting her. We had a 12 year old child that just passed away last year. During the course of our relationship I had to move away for work and was sending my money back home to support my family. I started to notice a change in how she was treating me and later discovered she was cheating on me. She claims she only met someone for coffee. She traveled 200 miles round trip for her coffee so I found that very hard to believe! Needless to say we got past it and got married as the relationship progressed. I forgave her and put it out of my mind. However, flash forward 8 years later and I started to see a change in her attitude again that mirrored what I experienced in the past. I had just started a job that required 100% travel and being away from home again for extended periods of time. After some searching because of the change I noticed she has two Google voice numbers and a MagicJack number with lots of activity both via voice and texting late at night when I am not home; late as in 3:30AM along with texting lingo after doing research it is lingo you would use on hookup sites. She had lots of numbers on her blocked list in her phone and claimed they were all bill collectors. After review it turned out they are not. The ones that are not bill collectors are men. A quick Google search of some of those numbers pulled up hookup sites and now I find myself very hurt moving more towards angry. I have never been one for an eye for an eye but while I have always been faithful; I am finding myself wanting to do the same to her but keep stopping myself because I do not want my life ruled by blind anger. She has denied doing anything at all. Any advice is appreciated.

Dear Angry,

      I’m so sorry for the loss of your child and for the situation you find yourself in now. Long-distance relationships are hard at best and if you combine that with the trauma you and your wife have endured over the past year, I imagine things are a little bit of a mess right now. I understand your suspicion based on your previous experience, and what I generally believe is that if you go searching for something, you’re going to find it. The question is, what have you found? Is your wife lonely and seeking solace in someone else? Is she flirting with disaster because she’s having a hard time dealing with the death of your child and your long absences?
     Ok, so I can tell you with 100% certainty that getting even with your wife is not going to help you feel better and it’s going to complicate an already complicated situation. I can fully understand why your trust in her is shaky, but I can also guarantee that checking out her online and phone activity is going to make it worse. Finding out that she’s calling hookup sites doesn’t help your marriage and it really doesn’t address the problem. So, I urge you to quit snooping and take a more direct approach to the problem. Have an open conversation with her and find out where’s she’s at. Ask her how she’s feeling, how she’s grieving, how she’s coping. Tell her how you’re feeling. Don’t accuse. Just talk. Try to understand how she might be feeling and how her actions might be related to that. And make sure to keep your anger in check. Yes, you have every right to be angry. But this is a woman you love deeply and my guess is that she’s struggling. Be kind and show compassion, even if it’s difficult.
     Now, all that said, I would strongly suggest seeking marriage counseling. I would suggest this for either the infidelity issue or the grief issue by themselves and together, I think you guys could really use someone to help sort this out. Maybe at the end of the day, you find out that this marriage isn’t going to work. But maybe, if you work together, you’ll find some common ground and a way to rebuild the trust that you’ve lost. It’s up to you (and to her) as to how much effort you’re willing to put into this to fix it.

Amy